And I will go ahead and agree on the obvious....he cheated on you. That being the #1 problem. However, I am of the opinion that if a guy is communicating with other guys about being a *f-buddy*, then he is seriously liking the idea of sex with another male. He has to be bi or gay in my book.

I'm so sorry that happened to you, Cparsee. I can't even tolerate porn (for my own reasons) and he's out doing that... The bottom line is he cheated. Male, female, animal, mineral, vegetable, who cares. He's scum. I'm sorry honey, but that's intolerable. The fact that it just so happened to be with a man can only make this 10 million times harder for you. Stay strong, and keep us updated.

And not to derail, but I don't understand how so many people think we're all "inherently a little bisexual". Um, no. That is completely untrue. Sure, there are social norms that some people feel they must conform to, but that doesn't mean that everyone who isn't out there fooling around with both genders is denying their true selves. Some people just aren't attracted to the same sex. Bottom line. Period. If you are, so what? Be yourself and have fun. But that in no way, shape, or form means that everyone feels the same way. I can find a woman sexy (and of course, I do!) but that doesn't mean I want to have sex with her, fantasize about doing it, etc.

Hi ChelseaRenee,
I agree with you. I am not the slightest bit bisexual. NOT EVEN a tiny bit.
Cheers.

[quote=ChelseaRenee;50586]I'm so sorry that happened to you, Cparsee. I can't even tolerate porn (for my own reasons) and he's out doing that... The bottom line is he cheated. Male, female, animal, mineral, vegetable, who cares. He's scum. I'm sorry honey, but that's intolerable. The fact that it just so happened to be with a man can only make this 10 million times harder for you. Stay strong, and keep us updated.

Yes. It does make it so much harder for me. I am really confused. Because cheating in itself is hard to deal with. then i have to deal with the fact that he cheated with a man. It just hurts so much. To be honest I really do not even know why I am considering taking him back. I really wish I could just be done with him. But ladies that is really easier said than done. I know if i was hearing this situation I would be saying the same thing. You know to leave him and all. And I probably would have thought that's what I would do in this situation. But to actually be in this situation I just have so many different feelings. The top one being confusion!

I think the answer to this can be seen by observing humanity at points where conservative religion had not spread its grip over the whole world. For example, look at the ancient greeks and romans, or even further back to packs of monkeys. We are basically the same identical creatures, the only thing that has changed is our culture and upbringing. To this extent, I do not really believe it to be case of whether people are straight or not, but more a question of how liberated they are... How willing they are to be shaped and defined by an obsolete code of 'morals'. Homo/bi-sexuality has apparently always been enough of a 'threat' for religions to persecute, and for law to actually punish (until recently).

And by this I don't mean that people are more likely to 'love' or want to be in 'relationships' with the same sex, as I believe that there is where the actual straight/gay line comes in.

CParsee, I'm so sorry this happened to you.

I'm actually a bisexual man with a strong preference for women. I hope you don't mind me logging in here and commenting / trying to help.

Of course you're confused. This guy you'd known since forever, suddenly is someone different than you thought. I'd expect you're questioning your senses and maybe judgement as well as questioning who he really really is. And he's probably no help answering those questions now either as he himself is confused, or you're unsure he can be trusted. Even those two sentences I just wrote are confusing!

Something I found very useful when I was cheated on was to a) focus single-mindedly on what you know, and b) make a list of pros and cons about the core question.

Focusing single-mindedly on what you know:
- he cheated on you
- he did so with a man
- he lied to you and hid it from you
- he didn't come to you with the truth, but you had to find it out through myspace
- he was advertising for more
- you love him
- this is incredibly confusing for you
- he's acting in a way that's new (?) and that you didn't know he was capable of
- he denies that he enjoyed it or that he's still curious.

Did I leave anything out? Just looking at that list, if I were in your situation I would feel tremendously hurt as well as confused.

Pros and cons about the core question: I think the core question is "Should I stay with him?" (Is that it? Am I close?)

I think that whatever your core question is, a good next step is to literally list on a piece of paper what's good and bad about taking the decision. Using my guess at your question this would be asking 'What's good about staying in this relationship' and 'What's bad about staying in this relationship.'

It's also pretty impossible for you to figure this out alone, as you know already (you're posting this here after all!). I'd pick a close friend who knows about your relationship history with him and is firmly on your side, or a shrink if you see one now, and review the list with them. Talk about actual, factual evidence for each point on your good and bad list. Not about what your friend wants to believe (he's scum! All bisexuals are immoral and can't be trusted ever!) or other knee-jerk reactions which may be true or might not be. Stick to the events and your feelings about them.

Please also recognise that he's done these things and is this person - not the person you wish he was. It's your decision about whether you can live with these facts and possibilities. (It's not your friends' decision!) Can you live with a boyfriend who likes men too? If it makes you uncomfortable, is the whole package worth it? Or is this a deal breaker? Can you / do you trust him to not cheat again?

Assume that he will continue to at least be curious about sex with men. I say that because speaking from experience, I don't think he can answer you honestly about what he wants or who he is at this point. He may badly want you to stay with him as his girlfriend and give him safety; he may want not to be gay or bi; he may want to be gay and not disappoint you; he may be tortured about his dad and the betrayal he feels in that relationship; he may be all kinds of things. You can control only your own decisions and actions.

Remember you can be supportive and his friend - IF you decide you want to be - without being his lover and girlfriend right now. You don't ever have to see him again either. Every option is on your table.

I say 'from experience' not to assert that I'm exclusively right, but just to share: it took me years to figure out that I wanted a woman for my life and relationships and that I was sexually attracted to men too. I didn't cheat on girlfriends, I had safe sex with every man I was with, and I almost always told women I was dating upfront (i.e. before we had sex) "Listen, there's something you should know..." until I realised I was using it more as a test than anything. Now, as I don't sleep with men anymore - I keep it to fantasies and I'm fine with that whether single or dating - it's more a detail about me and a sexual secret for later in any relationship. And I've figured out what I really want.

Figuring out what I wanted happened for me in a neutral environment with a therapist (confidential, non-judgemental, unbiased professional, had heard much worse stories than my little angst, supportive, etc. etc.) I could not have (honestly) figured my sexuality out together with a woman I liked, adored, wanted to be with, etc, as I would never have honestly answered my own curiosity about why I'd slept with men - I'd be trying to keep her rather than pursue honesty at all costs. I think that's why you can't expect him to know or be truly honest here - you yourself are a childhood tie for him and a part of him that will approve / disapprove of his desires.

One of the big insights I got from therapy is that people cheat because they're not getting something they want from a relationship. If or when you can step back from the betrayal and your hurt, that might be a question to think about or ask him.

Anyway, apologies for going on and on. I'm sorry that this has happened cparsee, and I'm especially sorry that he cheated and lied to you. You didn't deserve any of it. I hope this post was helpful.