I just found out my boyfriend is bi-sexual.

**cparsee** · 08-22-2008 03:42 PM

I have been with my boyfriend for officially 8 months. But he is a childhood friend that I have known since we were kids. We had a really good relationship. We talked about everything. We had a REALLY good sex life. Well one day about two weeks ago, I went to use my computer and he had left his My Space page open. So i started looking around, I really did not expect to find anything, really. But i went to his trash bin and there was a message from him to a guy asking what he was looking for and what type of things he liked. The guy responded by telling him he was looking for a friend but if it leads to more he was open for that. My bf responded that he was just looking for a "********k buddy". and that was where their conversation ended. My bf was at the store during this time, but when he came back I immediately confronted him. He denied it for a while then he said that he did it only out of curiosity. I actually kicked him out of the house and he went to another state to be with his family. We have been talking over the phone and he keeps claiming that he loves me and doesn't want to be with anyone else. But at the same time he also admitted that he is bi-sexual. At first telling me that he has only had thoughts of being with another man. then, finally confessing that he has let a guy go down on him ( while we were in a relationship). I never would have thought he was gay in any way. But now that he finally told me. I am the one who is confused. Because I love him and i thought we had a good relationship. He never showed any signs of being gay. I am just so confused I do not know if I handle this. But at the same time I love him and want to be with him. Please help me? i need any advice you could get. thank you in advance!

**Little** · 08-22-2008 03:44 PM

Well, he cheated on you. That's your bottom line.
I know what it feels like to find out an ex was gay all along, but it's something quite different, I imagine, to find out your boyfriend has been out and about with someone of the same sex. It was very unsettling for me just to know that I missed all the signs (in my case, there were BIG, neon, light-up signs that I ignored.)
It seems to me that your boyfriend has a lot of growing up to do. He has to find himself before he can be happy with someone else, but is scared to lose you.
Can you trust him not to cheat again? I think that's the question you have to ask yourself, regardless of which gender he's cheating with.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 08-22-2008 03:50 PM

Originally Posted by cparsee

I am having a similar problem. I have been with my boyfriend for officially 8 months. But he is a childhood friend that I have known since we were kids. We had a really good relationship. We talked about everything. We had a REALLY good sex life. Well one day about two weeks ago, I went to use my computer and he had left his My Space page open. So i started looking around, I really did not expect to find anything, really. But i went to his trash bin and there was a message from him to a guy asking what he was looking for and what type of things he liked. The guy responded by telling him he was looking for a friend but if it leads to more he was open for that. My bf responded that he was just looking for a "********k buddy". and that was where their conversation ended. My bf was at the store during this time, but when he came back I immediately confronted him. He denied it for a while then he said that he did it only out of curiosity. I actually kicked him out of the house and he went to another state to be with his family. We have been talking over the phone and he keeps claiming that he loves me and doesn't want to be with anyone else. But at the same time he also admitted that he is bi-sexual. At first telling me that he has only had thoughts of being with another man. then, finally confessing that he has let a guy go down on him ( while we were in a relationship). I never would have thought he was gay in any way. But now that he finally told me. I am the one who is confused. Because I love him and i thought we had a good relationship. He never showed any signs of being gay. I am just so confused I do not know if I handle this. But at the same time I love him and want to be with him. Please help me? i need any advice you could get. thank you in advance!

I think there are a few things there.

1. He cheated on you whilst in a relationship... It doesn't matter that the person he cheated on was a male, nor that it was only a bj, if that part is all that happened, he cheated.

2. He admitted it... which is a good thing.

3. He is bi-sexual and you need to ascertain how you feel about that because if this is a "forever" in your eyes relationship, you need to establish whether or not he will "cheat again"... later.

I think you need to establish whether he is more bi-curious seeing as he stated what he did on MySpace and experimental but that's it, or whether he is bi, full stop which would mean both sexes are needed, wanted somewhere along the line, it will happen again.

This is also your future, your life. Nothing wrong at all with him being bi, but if you are after a committed relationship with him and hope to marry one day then you need him to continue being honest and open with you and then ascertain how you feel from then.

Obviously, it hasn't put you off totally as your still thinking which means your open minded..

So communicate further with him on it ask him more questions, what it is he likes about guys etc and once you have all the information, perhaps you can make a more management decision regarding your life, then.

CW

**Phoebee** · 08-22-2008 09:01 PM

If he has strong gay feelings I think he had to iron those out. The cheating part? That is one of my personal deal breakers but your not married so its more difficult if your really are in love with him. Men having Gay sex = terror for me I would be so worried about STDs and AIDs. I think the odds go up with guys having random unsafe sex with each other and THATs another thing I could do without.

**cparsee** · 08-22-2008 11:46 PM

Originally Posted by CHANDLERS WISH

I think there are a few things there.

1. He cheated on you whilst in a relationship... It doesn't matter that the person he cheated on was a male, nor that it was only a bj, if that part is all that happened, he cheated.

2. He admitted it... which is a good thing.

3. He is bi-sexual and you need to ascertain how you feel about that because if this is a "forever" in your eyes relationship, you need to establish whether or not he will "cheat again"... later.

I think you need to establish whether he is more bi-curious seeing as he stated what he did on MySpace and experimental but that's it, or whether he is bi, full stop which would mean both sexes are needed, wanted somewhere along the line, it will happen again.

This is also your future, your life. Nothing wrong at all with him being bi, but if you are after a committed relationship with him and hope to marry one day then you need him to continue being honest and open with you and then ascertain how you feel from then.

Obviously, it hasn't put you off totally as your still thinking which means your open minded..

So communicate further with him on it ask him more questions, what it is he likes about guys etc and once you have all the information, perhaps you can make a more management decision regarding your life, then.

CW

well, i have been asking questions. it seems like i have asked a million since i found out. he says that he was just curious about a man giving him a bj. and he also claimed that he didnt even like it. he says that he found out a few years ago that his father was gay and that he was afraid of being like him. he said he did it to make sure he wasnt gay. but to me that just seems like bs. honestly, the fact that he cheated on me hurts the most. now its just so hard because i feel like i will never be enough for him. he is currently in another state so all our conversations are via phone. i just really love him but honestly do not know if i could actually handle this situation!

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 08-23-2008 01:28 AM

cparsee
well, i have been asking questions. it seems like i have asked a million since i found out. he says that he was just curious about a man giving him a bj. and he also claimed that he didnt even like it. he says that he found out a few years ago that his father was gay and that he was afraid of being like him. he said he did it to make sure he wasnt gay. but to me that just seems like bs. honestly, the fact that he cheated on me hurts the most. now its just so hard because i feel like i will never be enough for him. he is currently in another state so all our conversations are via phone. i just really love him but honestly do not know if i could actually handle this situation!

Okay... Ask yourself this then.

You say he was a "childhood friend" for years. So, you two got on like a house on fire? Therefore dated later... If this is correct, what was the "friendship" like in all those years, equal, girly, discussions were boy/girl or girl/girl type behaviour?

Sexually... Does/did he love being on top? Or perfer spooning and having sex?

You grew up with him, so to speak... Was there (now that you think about it) any indications that his Father was in-deed Gay? Or is there a way you can confirm this to be factual... Can you ask your boyfriend's Mother? Your Mother? Otherwise leave that alone, or you may cause unwanted damage.

Facts speak larger than words:-

He didn't admit anything, rather hid it until he had to find a way to explain himself to you, over a phone. And, he said because his Father was, he wanted to make sure that he wasn't.

I am also now assuming your both probably young?

Youth sometimes when caught out can tell the truth, hense wondering if there is a way you can pose the question without embarrasing him so family only, in-case it's true about his Dad.

I think personally, if i wanted to ensure i wasn't like my Mother and she had been Gay, (only i think women and women are sexy) but I'm not Gay but you probably know what I mean.. I'm not sure if i would "try" to see, I would "know"..

But if he is efected physologically, maybe even abused and "hasn't told you" by his Father at a younger age? Then he just may be telling you the truth.

As we all said, no selected one person:- He cheated.. So he may cheat again, male or female.

And, secondly, words are now words you may never trust what he is saying.

If he was abused as a kid, then he may very well have actually experiemented further, it's a hard thing....

I'd ask him what his Father was like, did he love him, and see if he opens up more in this direction.

I'd feel confident almost as it's only "opinions" here, that if he did love him then he wasn't abused.

Hope this helps a bit more.

CW

**anonymouswhitefemale** · 08-23-2008 04:33 AM

It is a fact that he has cheated on you.

I think there are several important points that perhaps are being overlooked. For example (in the boyish fantasy world that I live), if you had a girly sleepover during which one of your friends gave you oral sex, would you consider yourself to be as wrong as you consider him to be? I say this because lots of women understand that all (most) women are to a degree bisexual, and do no think along the lines of "since I am 10% attracted to my own gender, it is impossible for me to form a trustworthy relationship since I will always need attention from both genders, therefore I am certain to cheat".

I believe it is also the case that all men are to some extent bisexual, the extent of which being the degree to which homophobia has been drummed into them since childhood by society. It is something that most guys are curious about, but would never admit. In a time of growing up, people will try the things they think about, explore their sexuality, if even to reaffirm it.

Of course, in terms of infection, there are two camps. Some people meet up in swimming pools in a sea of flesh and indulge in rampant unprotected sex (wouldnt want to go swimming after that, yuck), and other people are perfectly capable of safe sex. The notion that same gender sexual contact between males equals disease is a narrow minded and stereotypical generalisation.

My thoughts on this situation? I don't think he's gay, I think he's curious, and feels he needs to define himself, and to experience what is out there. I think the chances are, he might fantasize about the idea of it (taboo, different, blah blah), but if he followed it through the whole way he probably wouldn't really like it. Many, many men take that path. Something to get out of the system, in a way to convince yourself and to reaffirm your taste for women.

And even if the small taste for men remains, the chances are they are not truly bisexual, as they can gain no emotional benefit from a relationship with a male, it is a purely sexual masturbation, rather than 'making love' or whatever.

**Fire(m)** · 08-23-2008 09:00 AM

Cparsee,
I don't care anything about your boyfriend. I do care about you however.
There are so many guys in the world who are not gay or bisexual and won't cheat on you, I just think you should go after a different guy than this one.

I think that his cheating on you and his later admission of engaging in gay behavior is just a way of him clearing the way to come to you 10 years down the road when you have 3 kids and an opressive mortgage, and tell you, "Well you knew from the beginning I was gay" while he runs off with a lover and leaves you with all the weight of the world on your shoulders.

You deserve someone who loves you as much as you love them. You deserve someone who can devote themselves to you completely, 100% from the very start. Having been married for 22 years, I can assure you that if you don't have this formula (someone completely in love with you and devoted ONLY to you) from the beginning, your relationship is not going to make it. It's hard enough having a successful relationship over the years when both people are completely devoted to eachother.

In this case devotion does not mean taking one in the shorts with a same-sex partner. You know in your heart he did it, he just can't admit it to you YET. To me, the only questions are: how many times did he do it, with how many partners, and what have you been exposed to as a result of him engaging in this behavior.

You're an innocent party to all of this. Get away as fast as you can, and get yourself to a doctor to get tested for std's.

Good luck. I'm sorry to see you in this situation. Your b/f is a very dangerous man for you to be around. If you were my sister, I'd beg you to get away from him.

**silvertae** · 08-23-2008 09:36 AM

Originally Posted by Fire(m)

Cparsee,
I don't care anything about your boyfriend. I do care about you however.
There are so many guys in the world who are not gay or bisexual and won't cheat on you, I just think you should go after a different guy than this one.

I think that his cheating on you and his later admission of engaging in gay behavior is just a way of him clearing the way to come to you 10 years down the road when you have 3 kids and an opressive mortgage, and tell you, "Well you knew from the beginning I was gay" while he runs off with a lover and leaves you with all the weight of the world on your shoulders.

You deserve someone who loves you as much as you love them. You deserve someone who can devote themselves to you completely, 100% from the very start. Having been married for 22 years, I can assure you that if you don't have this formula (someone completely in love with you and devoted ONLY to you) from the beginning, your relationship is not going to make it. It's hard enough having a successful relationship over the years when both people are completely devoted to eachother.

In this case devotion does not mean taking one in the shorts with a same-sex partner. You know in your heart he did it, he just can't admit it to you YET. To me, the only questions are: how many times did he do it, with how many partners, and what have you been exposed to as a result of him engaging in this behavior.

You're an innocent party to all of this. Get away as fast as you can, and get yourself to a doctor to get tested for std's.

Good luck. I'm sorry to see you in this situation. Your b/f is a very dangerous man for you to be around. If you were my sister, I'd beg you to get away from him.

Really good advice from Fire(m) here. I don't have nearly that amount of life experience but I, too, see this relationship becoming a disaster eventually (I mean, it kinda already is, isn't it? He's being dishonest and cheating...you don't need this.)

**Uneeklyme** · 08-23-2008 03:55 PM

Originally Posted by cparsee

well, i have been asking questions. it seems like i have asked a million since i found out. he says that he was just curious about a man giving him a bj. and he also claimed that he didnt even like it. he says that he found out a few years ago that his father was gay and that he was afraid of being like him. he said he did it to make sure he wasnt gay. but to me that just seems like bs. honestly, the fact that he cheated on me hurts the most. now its just so hard because i feel like i will never be enough for him. he is currently in another state so all our conversations are via phone. i just really love him but honestly do not know if i could actually handle this situation!

I have to agree with the others... regardless of man or woman, he cheated on you. I understand working through a cheating partner but I also feel that if the cheater gets away with it so to speak they are more likely to cheat again. You have to decide if your willing to take that chance as far as him being unfaithful. Now, compound this with not only did he cheat but he did it with the same sex. If he is attracted to men, he is...period. Even if he is never with a man again, he will always have some kind of attraction to them. Many bisexuals are not attracted to a person for a relationship per se, they are attracted to the sex. Same sex sex is not something you do to prove you arent gay. Its often done out of curiosity then abandoned as an experience. If one continues to search for it, they are not straight and are not trying to prove they are. You can usually tell one way or the other the first time you try it. This wasn't just a testing the waters type of thing to affirm he was straight.

He may always desire men and never act on it again but he I would say in this situation he has already shown you he will act on it again, ie: searching the net for it. It can be worked out but both of you will have to accept the fact that he is attracted to men. Even if that attraction is not a driving force in his choice for relationships, he will always be attracted to men... it seems its purely sexual for him but still... Don't get me wrong, I in no way think that just because someone is bisexual they are likely to cheat. Think thats a bunch bull as a matter of fact BUT, in this case, he has already cheated.

Step outside the fact that his cheating was with a man. He cheated plain and simple...how do you deal with that and go from there. As far as him not even enjoying the bj from a man??? hmmm, why is he looking for more encounters with men then? If a person doesnt like something they dont actively seek it out again or willingly do it again. If we are afraid of something, we tend to avoid it.

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