My boyfriend fooled me TWICE. Am I Foolish and Naive for sticking around??

[myteddy14me]

I Have been Dating this Guy for a year and a half and we are finally now living together as a married couple. I have no kids with him but he has a daughter with someone else. When we first met He was still living with her (the mother of his child) and I new this. He explained that he was living with her but he was not "with" her. How much sense does that make? Well of course gullable me I fell into believing what he would tell me. He would be on the phone with me Constantly and I felt he really didnt have anything with her because I'd say come and he'd be here in 5 minutes. I'd call him at anytime any given day and he'd pick up on the first ring no questions asked and we'd even talk while she was around and She had to have heard the things we spoke about so It didnt bother me. Im a very trusting person so i fell. Well a year past and I finally found out he was indeed with her and I was the "sidechick". I had fallin for him and He was "the one" already. I ended up staying with him. He told her he wanted to stay with me and so he moved out and we are together. I just got an email from a woman online saying she and him have a long distance relationship for a long time and he had been talking to her emotionally and was making plans with her to meet up in NY to see her. When I found out he broke it off and has ignored her ever sense and I still kept in touch with her to make sure. He said It has something to do with his self esteem and he likes to much attention and looks in the wrong places and begged for me not to leave him to give him another chance to prove he can be a better man and he wants me and the kids as his family and is willing to change a lot. He also wants a baby now. I don't trust him But I love him with all my heart. I want to move on but he is so distant and I can't believe what he says anymore. Help me as I don't know what to feel anymore......

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Well, some would say he wants his cake and eat it to but I would say that he was staying with her because she has his child, he also can't live alone I don't think and needs "someone" to be with, live with...

She obviously is an "open" person, because he is living with you now, yet you are saying they are planning to hook up? Or were...

I take it she has never abused you verbally for "taking him away from her" so maybe that is the case, they were FWB, Mother of the child, sex sometimes but just living...

So okay, he moved out and moved in with you.. I don't think you were the side-kick or else he wouldn't have moved out to be with you.

Some guys have a bond with the Mother of their child perhaps he was still connected someway but wanted to move on with his life and find who he wants to be with.

I would also say, that she is "Playing" that being that she is not in love with him at all but yeah, let's not let you have him either, let's flirt and meet, I mean she has already had sex with him, she's the Mother of his child, she doesn't seem to care about what you feel at all...

He was used to having both from the beginning but what I am saying it appears that it was not "emotional" rather sexual, but as I said, he then moved in with you.

The problem that I see is "can he break that connection with her and be faithful to only you?"

That i don't know...

His excuse of wanting "attention" and discussing things with her shows that "emotional" bond I was talking about, he can talk with her about things...

So, if you decide to give it a go you have to learn to communicate with him better so he opens up to you and doesn't need emotions and attention from her at all, he has all that he wants in one person...

Seems he views her as a "Friend" but with benefits, a connection but not love.

That would be the only way you two could bond and work it together, or else you are in a risky relationship, as she will always be around, being the Mother of his child and it will happen again later.

Is he worth it?

Only you know how he treats you etc, but you also say he is "distant"...

A relationship i think needs the two to be "best friends" can talk about everything and anything, intimate and full of laughter.

CW

[myteddy14me]

CW, Thank you for your reply. I meant to explain better it's just I did'nt want to go on and on about it. What I actually was saying was that he started speaking to another woman as well as me and the mother of his child. He had been having a long distance relationship over the phone with a woman in NY and as well as with me and living with his Ex/Baby's mother. It just happens that I only had found out about him actually sleeping with his baby's mother. He then tried to explain to me that he wanted to see if he could possibly try to make it work one more time with her because She supposedly always made him feel guilty for wanting to leave her. He also didnt want to lose me so kept me around and I never knew until one day I decided to get in contact with the mother of his child to get my facts. She let him go and actually didnt kick him out believe it or not She had told him to Do what he has to do and if he was inlove with me and they could not stand eachother one bit that She only wishes us the best of luck. Of course now it s all just insults towards me and him. She calls me a homewrecker when I believe I had no fault. I was lied to as well and I fell for Him because Honestly I feel He is A good man. But then Soon after we moved in together I was contacted by another woman who had nothing to do with this situation and had a differenyt story to tell. She had said that he was making plans to go meet her in person after 5 months of speaking over the phone as a long distance relationship. He said he had to go outt of state to go to his Sisters wedding and I was going as well but he somehow was going to find a way to go see this other woman. I until this day Do not now for what. You would think he is completely happy with me. I give him everything a man would want. And I mean Everything. I have never judged him or in any way showed him he could not come to me. I love him and Sexually please him in Any way he desires, I apologize If I am too Graffic But I want you to be on the same page As I. Well After I found This out I confronted him again and cried and only asked WHY? Why does he hurt me so? I asked him if he doesnt know what he wants or if maybe I am just his shoulder to lean on or a free Lay when he needs it? Why can't he just Be a Singl Bachelor because he can not be a family man. He begged me to understand. His explanation was that He needs to much attention. He isn't content with himself and once he doesnt feel like a relationship is fresh and new he falls into other womens arms and compliments. He said this long distance had just gone too far and he is sorry and asked for one more chance that he doesnt want to lose me for his ity's. And so I did. I told him fool me once Shame on you...Fool me twice..Shame on me. What happens if I let it happen Again? I love this man. Its been a couple of months sense this incident happened and so far so good. We are married and he has asked me for us to have a baby. I want to. But I'm scared He will hurt me. I have been through so much. I have two children from a no-good- Dad. And if I have a child with him and his little insecurities lead to him cheating I now for sure I will then Be with three children and Stuck With a sucky relationship and no confidence at all. I mean just imagine what this all is doing to my self confidence. Help me Please. I've already given him a new beginning and I want to learn to trust all over again But how can I do it If all I continue to do Is question myself and him??

[CHANDLERS WISH]

myteddy14me

So.

The ex let him go, wished you both well but now calls you a home wrecker.

He had told you that they were only living together when you met, not together.

You are now married to this guy but a few months ago you found out he was internet chatting and arranged a date with another woman he had been talking to for 5 months.

You have 2 children from a previous marriage.

You are frightened to bring in a third child, your child together in-case you catch him out yet again and leave.

You accepted the below statement as his logic and reasoning..

His explanation was that He needs to much attention. He isn't content with himself and once he doesnt feel like a relationship is fresh and new he falls into other womens arms and compliments.

And he cried whilst telling you this.

Is that the gist of it?

Well, firstly i would be saying correct, do not bring a child into the situation.. You have two he has one, and he knows, feels, thinks that with you having one, you will stay, like the ex did and he can do what he wants if he stuffs up.

Secondly, he needs to seek Marriage Councelling as he is a batchelor he is having a hard time committing. He wants to but he can't, he starts of that way and then get's bored.

You perhaps need to not be so much of a wife but a "girlfriend", if that makes sense to help him to the stage where he doesn't want to cheat, all that laughter fun, instead of chores, you do this i do that.

But, I don't know, unless he gets Councelling, he is a cheater, he can't help it.

CW

[myteddy14me]

Hey CW, You are so Right on the Pin of the needle. I completely agree. I Love this Sight and hope to stay in touch. I needed advice and sooner than I had expected I received the advice I was looking for. Maybe Inside I know the answers to my questions but I refuse to acknowledge them. It feels so much better coming from someone else. I guess for now the best thing to do is just give it time and effort. I won't focus on us having a baby as much as he might engrave the thought into my head. I know it wouldn't be the best right now. I do need to be more of a friend and less of a wife. I guess it is just routine that he is afraid of. He has gotten used to the same scents same voice same answers from me. I am what he has gotten bored of and can't help but to mess around and seek for a change once and a while. He is a cheater. I don't want to give up on him. I want to do what you said which is try to give him the illusion that it isn't a routine and just try to keep it fresh, change things up here and there. My look and our surroundings maybe. I would love to feel completely confident with "us" before we bring another child into the family. Than you CW. I'm forever grateful for your time and advice. Kisses♥

[dolley]

I had similar situation. It hurts so much to let go of the dream they made us believe. It was all a dream. Believe it or not, I think that it takes a while to get out from the denial phase. Just remember, things will only get worst with him. You either love him or hate him. He will always be the same man. In a way, these relationships are very emotionally abusive. I'm sure that you are also experiencing low self-steem. Leave him! This relationship is not allowing you to be the best mother you could be for your children. Think about your children.

[LanaBear]

Old thread.

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