advice needed

[shoneejay]

Okay so friday morning my husbands phone goes of or so I think it goes off at 315 am. he grabs a BIG test at 8am. So I got to school and come home and we made a deal that we were just gonna chill out and enjoy each others company. Well while hes sleeping on the floor I decide to check my me and BS online. while checking my email. I hear his phone go off again. so i open it to silence it and thats some txt asking "are you mad at me". I replied with out even thinking. "No but whats up. call me." so then I get back on my laptop and the phone sounds again the whole time hes laying next to me. she types "are you smoking something" and me being me the PI in me starts to come out so I type "No just want to hear from you". So then she calls and like always as soon as she hears my voice she hangs up. I woke his A** up like you wont believe. We get in the BIGGEST arguement ever.( we have been married for 2 yrs and 8 months have known each other like 3yrs). So once I calm down he tells me Im sorry blah blah blah, its just this lady at work she likes me I told her Im married and thats it. I asked him why he lied BS answer did want me to get upset. Then he said I dont like her shes not my type. We just txt. How sorry he was. I love my husband he means a lot to me. side note( I grow up in a military home where my parents fought like cats and dogs. My father had so fidility issues so I have problems trusting) we decided to work thru this but I made him call her and i asked her if she knew he was married and she said yes. I told him he shouldnt txt her or call her if it aint work related leave her the F%%% alone. But now here it is the next day I wake up feeling like and I think I dont want to even wake up cuz know my mind and heart are gonna play tricks on me all day. I told him that I wanted to work on it and that he would have to work to earn my trust again. and that if we both agree to move forward together then i wont bring it back up again. therefor leaving it in the past . But this morning when I got up i cried, I cried on the way to my soccer game. It just hurt soooo bad. For some reason I thought that he was different from my father. I might be crazy when I say I believe him when he said i didnt do anything with her. as i am sitting here typing I am crying. My BIGGEST thing i cant believe how he lied to me. I dont him dont lie to me. if you decide you dont want to be with me then just tell me. But he says he want to be here and hes sorry and he didnt think it was cheating. I asked him then why lie. he had no answer. Somebody pls help tell me it gets easier. or maybe I should call it over before somebody gets hurt again. B4 marriage I was the type that wanted you to hurt like me and I was thinking about it today. but thats not me anymore.

[Joy]

So sorry you have to deal with this. I don't know if it ever gets easier there are always so many temptations. This woman knew he was married but she was still willing to pursue his attention. Women do this every day to one another and there are enough men out there I don't know why we stabb each other in the back. I have one chasing my man right now and being ever so bold about it. She has nothing on me as a woman but its still irratating. Women do this for various reasons: Ego boosts and they don't care who they step on, They don't want a committment and a married man is perfect, and so many other reasons. If she actually loved someone deeply she would be the type to show up on your door and kick your A$$. No worries one day she will give her heart to a man and she will have to deal with this exact thing one day she will realize what a F'ing heal she is.

As for your husband did he say why he risked lossing you for something so foolish that he claims he wasn't interested in? He could be telling you the truth that he wasn't interested and she keeps pushing herself at him in desperation.

If they just text and she is there boosting and stoking his ego well i'm sure as a woman you can do that for him too. You are his wife and maybe the flirting should start with you not some dummy from work. I would want to know honestly what he thinks is missing from the relaitonship. If he wants ego boosting and flirting well he has to be what he wants which means he should have started with you and you could have recipricated.

There is a great thread on here that just started about the Dynamics of relationships with technology and the world at our finger tips. Read it if you haven't

Don't let this knock you down you are an amazing woman for all that you are and all that you are yet to be.

[N01]

Maybe I didnt read closely enough, but I am confused. Where's the bit about him lying in the post? Did he say something specific that's not in the post?

Regardless, any chance that they are just friends/friendly? been there done that myself.

There are women who just "want to be friends" from work and will send emails and texts and call and whatever, but will say there's nothing more to it.

If that's the truth, who knows. But Joy is right, a lot of women do it and then get upset with their own men when they are the recipient.

Sometimes you can't just turn off work related friendships, even if it male & female types, and maybe it's not realistic to expect it to just be turned off. maybe the best you can do is to talk with him calmly about how it makes you feel and ask him what their friendship means to him. Maybe it's nothing more than enjoying a little attention.

BUT, demanding 100% dis-association might lead him to hiding it for real and the "friendship" taking on a life of it's own, all without you knowing about it.

whatever, give yourself a few days to calm down and think things over before winding both of you up over something that may not be too much.

[shoneejay]

So sorry you have to deal with this. I don't know if it ever gets easier there are always so many temptations. This woman knew he was married but she was still willing to pursue his attention. Women do this every day to one another and there are enough men out there I don't know why we stabb each other in the back. I have one chasing my man right now and being ever so bold about it. She has nothing on me as a woman but its still irratating. Women do this for various reasons: Ego boosts and they don't care who they step on, They don't want a committment and a married man is perfect, and so many other reasons. If she actually loved someone deeply she would be the type to show up on your door and kick your A$$. No worries one day she will give her heart to a man and she will have to deal with this exact thing one day she will realize what a F'ing heal she is.

As for your husband did he say why he risked lossing you for something so foolish that he claims he wasn't interested in? He could be telling you the truth that he wasn't interested and she keeps pushing herself at him in desperation.

If they just text and she is there boosting and stoking his ego well i'm sure as a woman you can do that for him too. You are his wife and maybe the flirting should start with you not some dummy from work. I would want to know honestly what he thinks is missing from the relaitonship. If he wants ego boosting and flirting well he has to be what he wants which means he should have started with you and you could have recipricated.

There is a great thread on here that just started about the Dynamics of relationships with technology and the world at our finger tips. Read it if you haven't

Don't let this knock you down you are an amazing woman for all that you are and all that you are yet to be.

He said that he didnt want to upset me so thats why he lied and said it was another guy using his phone (HONESTLY do men listen to themself when they speak becuz sometimes the stuff makes no sense). Im not sure which hurt me more him lying or the lady he said the that knew he was married.

[WildChild]

This is a toughie, I've been there, long before internet and cell phones - it was letters and calls. My first husband was always in love - just never with me. He'd write love poems, write them songs, paint them, adore them and expect me to work and pay the bills. When I confronted him he'd swear it all meant nothing and that he'd kill himself if I left. It was all very high drama but then he'd go right back to ignoring me. I finally gave him an ultimatum, 6 months to get regularly employed, no more girlfriends and stop the dope. He moved into the spare bedroom and 6 months later I moved out. It wasn't like I was unattractive - one male freind at the time described me as the ultimate wet dream of every male under 25 in the county, a bit of hyperbole on his part but I wasn't the old shoe in the closet. The man just couldn't keep his pants zipped.

Funny thing... nearly 30 years later he still has the same job he got in that time period, has never remarried and I'm now the great love that tragically left him - go figure. Not to say your hubby is headed that way but there is nothing new under the sun. The questions are can you re-establish trust? If you can't you'll both be miserable. Is your life better with or without him? What drew him into this interaction? Whatever it was? What can you both do to keep things juicy between you?

This may well have been just a flirtation, an purely mental thing. I've had them, you just connect with a co-worker, it's a bit of flirtation, keeps things interesting at work and it's ok as long as you both know your bounderies. Your response to this reflects your feelings and concerns about your parent's relationship as much or more than your own. Get in and talk with a relationship counselor - a non religious one - you don't need anyone passing judgements on this - you just need to grieve for your parent's relationship and what it did to your family so you can heal. If you don't, you are likely to to unconsciously do things to push your relationship into the same pattern. We all carry around a load of expectations and conditioned responses that can lock us into misery. By over reacting to this you could put your husband into a situation where he can't do anything right or anything to make it right and will come to feel that having been tried and condemmed (and it may have been fairly innocent) he might as well go for it, he's already paying for it.

Here's one more thing to do, get online on your search engine, type in, Mama Gena, read, listen, order one of her books ($5 used on Amazon probably) she teaches the womanly art of having fun in your relationship and life. We all need more if that. In the meantime, take a long walk. lots of deep breaths and smile. It's not the end of the world, it just feels like it right now.

[shoneejay]

This is a toughie, I've been there, long before internet and cell phones - it was letters and calls. My first husband was always in love - just never with me. He'd write love poems, write them songs, paint them, adore them and expect me to work and pay the bills. When I confronted him he'd swear it all meant nothing and that he'd kill himself if I left. It was all very high drama but then he'd go right back to ignoring me. I finally gave him an ultimatum, 6 months to get regularly employed, no more girlfriends and stop the dope. He moved into the spare bedroom and 6 months later I moved out. It wasn't like I was unattractive - one male freind at the time described me as the ultimate wet dream of every male under 25 in the county, a bit of hyperbole on his part but I wasn't the old shoe in the closet. The man just couldn't keep his pants zipped.

Funny thing... nearly 30 years later he still has the same job he got in that time period, has never remarried and I'm now the great love that tragically left him - go figure. Not to say your hubby is headed that way but there is nothing new under the sun. The questions are can you re-establish trust? If you can't you'll both be miserable. Is your life better with or without him? What drew him into this interaction? Whatever it was? What can you both do to keep things juicy between you?

This may well have been just a flirtation, an purely mental thing. I've had them, you just connect with a co-worker, it's a bit of flirtation, keeps things interesting at work and it's ok as long as you both know your bounderies. Your response to this reflects your feelings and concerns about your parent's relationship as much or more than your own. Get in and talk with a relationship counselor - a non religious one - you don't need anyone passing judgements on this - you just need to grieve for your parent's relationship and what it did to your family so you can heal. If you don't, you are likely to to unconsciously do things to push your relationship into the same pattern. We all carry around a load of expectations and conditioned responses that can lock us into misery. By over reacting to this you could put your husband into a situation where he can't do anything right or anything to make it right and will come to feel that having been tried and condemmed (and it may have been fairly innocent) he might as well go for it, he's already paying for it.

Here's one more thing to do, get online on your search engine, type in, Mama Gena, read, listen, order one of her books ($5 used on Amazon probably) she teaches the womanly art of having fun in your relationship and life. We all need more if that. In the meantime, take a long walk. lots of deep breaths and smile. It's not the end of the world, it just feels like it right now.

Thanks wildchild it has been a tough past few days. Whenever hes not by my side im wondering and worrying. thats my biggest fear making him pay for what my dad did. I love him to much to put him there. I honestly cant see myself without him. We spend good QT. in the summer in the evening after work we would turn off the TV and just sit on the bed and talk about everything past relationships parents everything. Even Friends that were going thru tough times. But I feel like Enrico (my husband) is my best friend. I can truly talk to him. But I dont want to keep bring up this issue you know beating a dead horse. I try to just leave it I will like up that book.

[justkimmie]

I have a hard time with this one. This with my spouse started with a "friend" at work. Now, he thinks he is in love with her and wants to be with her. I even talked to her on the phone when all this started, and she even told me that she did not think it was right that she and I meet!!! That he and her are friends, not, me, him and her...WELL...you can only imagine what I told him. IF she did only want to be friends, she would have no problem meeting me. Am I wrong about that?? Well, a year has come and gone, we are, for now, still married, she has lost her job, a dang good job, for nearly killing a patient, a 40ish y/o man that is now in a nursing home, in the process of being sued by the family, the county that she worked for, and now has met a new man and is pregnant!!! But, you know, my spouse says she is the way she is because of how men in her life have treated her, because her parents got divorced when she was a child...etc...etc...etc. He feels sorry for her, pays her bills and sends her money to help her make ends meet. I AM OR WHAT??? WHY DO I NOT SEE THE WRITING ON THE WALL IN FRONT OF ME??? HE DOES NOT WANT TO BE WITH ME, HE SEES HER AS SOMEONE HE CAN SAVE...ITS NOT LOVE...ITS PITY.
I pity both of them.

I AM OR WHAT??? WHY DO I NOT SEE THE WRITING ON THE WALL IN FRONT OF ME??? HE DOES NOT WANT TO BE WITH ME, HE SEES HER AS SOMEONE HE CAN SAVE...ITS NOT LOVE...ITS PITY.
I pity both of them.

How Can I Be So ......

[WildChild]

Kimmie, I do feel for you. My first husband and I finally split because of his behavior and it hurts. You feel used, , angry, hurt, sad, it's such a range of emotion. None of us is perfect, you have to know that this is more about something in him than it is about you. You are the only one who can decide if it's worth trying to save. You might want to get some counseling, a good counselor will not only help you work through your feelings but also to decide what you want and how to get it.

[justkimmie]

I agree. I also know that there is no saving it. I have tried for just over a year now. He has told me, several several times, that he does not want to save it. That really hurts. But, I have come to the decision that it is not me...it is fact him. He has this 'thing' for saving women. He did it with his first wife, that marriage only lasted 1 year. We have been together for 7 years and married for 3, and I guess in some ways he did it with me. Once the saving is done, or we can't live up to what he thinks we should be, he is pissed at us, and wants out. I told him he really really needed to get help for that or once he and his 'friend' are together, he is going to be in the same boat.
I can not afford to live on my own, I have a 17 y/o daughter from my first marriage, 16 years, I am in the process of trying to find a part time job. He says I should stay here until she gets out of school, she is a senior and will be out of school in about 7 months. But, that is a very long time from now, and frankly, I don't know if I want to. This house is paid for, and there are no credit card bills, and the thought of all it scares me. If I lived on my own, with what I make, I would have $155 left over each month after rent, utlilites, insurance, etc. That does not include gas and groceries. If any of you have any thoughts or ideas, let me know. There is a part of me that is looking forward to being on my own, for the first time in my life(I'm 39 y/o). But, that same part of me is also scared...I am torn.

[WildChild]

You are Yonug! I'm starting over at 50+ with virtually nothing, two kids from an earlier marriage; one a senior and the other a freshman. I cashed out my retirement when my recent ex was unemployed long term and have been out of the 'real' career working world for years. It's not easy, but the stress reduction alone is so huge! You will be free! I got almost nothing out of my divorce. I joke that with the judge signing on the dotted line I'm the 'Biggest Loser' - over 300 lbs in 10 seconds!

Is is tough? You bet - I'm also in an expensive court battle with my kids dad - after years he wants custody - they are the wrong religion and he wants to fix it. Some how keep getting by and I know the day will come and soon when it will be more than just squeezing through!

Create an exit plan for yourself, you don't have to get out right now, so use this time! Talk to an attorney or two, most will give you a free consult to see what you need, have your list of questions prepared. Learn from them what you will be entitled to in property, maintence, what paperwork you will need copies of, all that. Just because hubby is being nice now, don't assume it will stay that way, when he figures out you are probably legally entitled to half the equity in the house (whether your name is on it or not) he may blow - mine sure did (of couse he devalued as much as possible - you should see the state it's in). Keep that quiet as long as you can, it amazing how people will assume that what they want is the law.

Get your ducks lined up, find a job with a view to future employment and advancement. Look into some education to update your skills, get him pay for it as you get started. If he can afford to pay the bills for a woman who is carrying someone else's child, he can darn well pay for his wife to go back to school so she can support herself when she leaves him free to be with his new love or project. You should start putting aside some cash for your self so if you have to get out you aren't destitute. Sit down with your future ex and outline a basic exit plan - stay until you daughter finishes school, you have your own bedroom? At this point you should. You get your own checking account, start separating your credit - you need some of your own. What about insurance? (you are probably entiltled to part of his retirement after this may years- the attorney can tell you that) Things may not be so bleak and you think right now. Start talking to freinds, make some new ones. Is there a single girlfriend you might be able to share a place with for a while? (groundrules will be critical) Do you want your own place? One bedroom or two (for your daughter) you may have to downgrade your lifestyle. Statistically with divorce a woman's lifestyle may decline by as much as 50% while men's tend to improve - those guys suddenly decide that new furniture they've been telling you no to for years is indespensible to impress the ladies. But remember you are getting the whole of your life back!

This kind of situation is hard on your ego. Get out and start exersizing, go to a top salon and tell their best stylist (I went to one of the top in the US! after years of not spending a dime on myself- worth all $300) and tell them you are getting back into the professional world as a single woman and to give you the best cut and color for You. Let them tell you what will work for your face and coloring - that why they are one of the best! It will put a new swing in your step! (later you can keep it up at a less expensive place) Start planning and take the first steps in your new life before you move out. You can do this and you are going to have a ball! He can stay with his needy, wounded birds, you don't need that. Keep gratitude in your heart for what he did for you when you where down and know that's where he is stuck - you aren't!