need help with my teenage daughter!

[trixie]

ok so here's the deal. I'm a stepmom in my late 20's dealing with teenage hormones! I'm not sure what to do anymore. I have caught my daughter in so many lies. she is going out with someone that she planned to do sexual things with last year. in the 8th grade! well we found out about her plans and she was grounded for a long time. she tells me and her father that she's not going out with him but i was reading her emails and now know the truth. this guy isn't serious about her and was trying to date one of her friends. so i just need some advice as to how to get her on the right track.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Hi Trixie,

What were you like when you were her age, remember?

I think grounding kids to try to stop them from doing something wrong, doesn't work. That's my personal opinion..

They will sneak out of a window or find another way, skip class, and there is a tad of resentment.

You can't stop it. It's that simple... She will make her mistakes like everyone else in life and learn from them.

You both I believe, should sit her down and let her know that, she is becoming an Adult and as such, she is going to fall in love, get hurt and be angry, but then the guy she really loves one day, will walk in and feel her hurt and anger and she will be angrier that she didn't wait for him.

Discuss what you recall when you were her age.

Tell her what ever she decides you will both be suportive, you don't like it but you will be suportive and off course discuss protection against STD as well as pregnancy.

I think if you start being her rock that she can confide in about things, instead of punishing her for growing up, and wrapping her in cotton wool, then she can openly discuss situations with you both and hopefully you can steer her onto the right track, instead of her hiding things from you both and doing it anyway.

CW

[Briana]

I agree that grounding isn't going to do any good besides make her more mad. You really just need to sit her down and talk to her.

[WildChild]

Communication is key. Explaining why you are concerned and sharing things that happened to you or a freind will get you farther than grounding. Your goal is to raise a responsible adult, to do that you need partnership with her father and with her. Give her some responsibility, let her show you what she can handle. You have to find a balance, enough responsibity, not too much. Showing suspicion and distrust will get you more of it. People - especially kids tend to give you what you expect. This isn't Your child, this is your step-child, she has a mother and a father, your position is a bit iffy, going through her emails and such. I've done the step parent thing, it's a mine field.

[trixie]

I remember what I was like as a teenager and that's whats scaring me. Alot of the bad decisons I made were because of the drama that was going on in my life with my parents at the time. Looking back I now wish I could of made better choices. WE all know young love makes us do crazy things. I think that's the problem with my stepdaughter. She's dating and looking for acceptance. WE've had plenty of talks about sex and the consequences and hopefully she understands how serious it all is. I'm just going to sit back and take it one day at a time and hope she can be responsible. I do understand that she IS my stepdaughter and that she does have a mother and a father, but her mother chooses not to be in the picture. We're going on 5 years this year. Thanks for all the advice ladies!

[Lakerat]

First let me say .....Welcome to HE..LL......I agree grounding by its self doesnt work.If they are really really head strong talking wont do much good either..(they are not above telling you what you want to hear).atleast not at first.My oldest could sit in her room for years(it seemed) no phone no computer and no TV....I would let her watch tv with me after a few days.It would be a week before she would do that...but when she came out after a while we could talk a little bit ....Part of being a teenager is finding your self (some of us still are)....what lil bit Ive learned is about all ya can do is stick to your guns...and try to keep them on the road and out of the ditches.
I think we as adults sometimes forget what its like to be young again...alot more peer pressure these days...

Also one thimg that used to help with getting them to talk is eaitng supper at the table togather...we dont do it much anymore but you can find out some of what there doing and sometimes alot about what their friends are doing .....and piece some of it togather.

And sometimes no matter what you say or due they still get off track and have to learn the hard way..

GOOD LUCK

[Skybluupink]

Family counseling. All of you should attend counseling so that if you have her speaking to a therapist, she doesn't feel it's just her. You sound young to be dealing with a teen so I'm sure if you and your husband see the therapist first, that would really help to setting up some rules and consequences for her lying and any sneaking around/hiding. Then, do not ask her, but tell her she will attend the next session with the two of you and then from there she can see the therapist separate from her parents, but I would suggest you and your husband continue to see the therapist on other appointments outside of hers. Counseling can help establish some structure and discipline in healthy ways. Best of luck!

[jaybeth88]

Remember that no matter how hard you try, you are going to run into issues with your kids breaking the rules, and more often than not, if you try to keep them away from the bad stuff you're going to spend more time snooping through their emails reading about them than you are telling them what could come of their actions. I would not encourage the sexual acts by any means, but... What if she gets pregnant? Catches an STD? While you may not approve of what she is doing, you can help her know what her consequences are, and what could become of it, and help educate her and provide her with everything she needs.

While YOU may not want her to get sexually involved with a guy at her age, and while deep down inside she may not want it either, the decision is ultimately up to her. She is at an age where she can clearly [unless under the influence of drugs or alcohol] make the decision herself, whether you support her or not. The best thing you can do for her is sit down with her, talk about what kind of sexual things she is thinking about getting into, and provide her with all the protection she needs. If she has to hide it from you, she could end up doing things in an in safe and unsanitary place where she gets sick or infected, especially if they have sex where she has the open wound of her broken hymen, or if they have unprotected sex. Remember that even oral sex can give you STD's, and she can catch something she is stuck with for the rest of her life if she isn't careful.

Have you thought about birth control? If she has a baby at that young of an age, you are not only going to be grandma but also baby sitter and new mom, because she can't take a child to school, and I doubt she is old enough for a job to buy her baby everything it would need. Providing her with condoms, even if you get her on a female form of contraceptive, would prevent her catching an STD 99 percent of the time. Having her go in for a PAP smear can ease your mind when it comes to making sure she is healthy, doing okay, and has not contracted an STD. And the best thing you can provide for her would also help you know that she is being safe and using protection in all her sexual activities. [get prepared to gasp and scream "no way," this is a tough one to swallow.]

Providing her with a safe place to go when she is sexually active.

[GASP] I know, it's a tough one to swallow. But because my father was understanding with our want to have sex, he was able to provide us with a safe environment, birth control, and someplace to clean up afterwards. If he had not done this for us, I would have easily become a pregnant teen, and could have gotten STD's up the wall without that birth control. That one is hard to take for almost all parents. If my mother had warned me of the consequences of having sex at an early age, I would have never gone through with it, but because she didn't, and I decided to become active, I was able to find a safe place to go so I could be protected, and stay healthy.

But, you may have different rules in your household, and you may do things different ways. But remember that the more you try to keep her away from it, the more likely she is to find a way around you to do it, and the more likely it is to be unprotected, which can and most likely will lead to STD's and a baby in the house.

[cassie66]

i have 3 teen daughters and the amount of tantrums and trouble i have had! they ignore me, stay out late always on the pc eat at odd times always on the phone eetc. always after money. i foud grounding doesnt work.

[Married15]

Oh my..I have a teenage son...he seems soooo simple compared to this....BUT I have an 8 yr old little girl going on 40.....My dad keeps saying "just you wait, wait till shes 14".....

God help us moms!!!!!