Sex is GROSS!

[no_desire33]

Hello I am a 20-something yo female and I have been married for 5 years and we have 3 beautiful daughters!! I love my husband more than anything but we haven't had a routine sex life for years!! maybe once a month, usually less I feel horrible I just have no desire and it's nasty to me.. sex should be something enjoyable for both, not feel gross! the sight of his penis makes me wanna vomit... I know that sounds awful but I can't help what I feel...

I have tried to just not think about it being nasty and just do it.. but that doesn't work.. the times we do have sex, it's just bc I feel bad for not giving him any, so I give in.. but it does NOT A THING for me..

It may be hormonal bc I tend to be in the mood more when I'm on my period.. but I still won't do it bc it's friggin gross!! ha

I was just wondering if there are any other women who share my feelings.... I don't want to feel totally alone in this....

Thank you

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Sometimes a Woman feels that way, because it's just "sex" he does his thing, moans and groans, rolls over and goes to sleep, or gets up and walks out of the room... It mean't nothing just in and out and thanks..

That can make a Woman feel that sex is "gross", because it is... There is no emotions involved, passion and love.

So does this sound familiar?

Also three children and you are running around all the time more than likely for them, tired and don't really feel beautiful in yourself.

Do you spend time on you? Get your hair done, wear a top you feel sexy in ? Or do you run around always in trackies, no make-up and just feel, you...

It can also have a lot to do with how you view yourself.

You probably need to go back to the dating stage with your husband and look into each other's eyes with lust and no kids around once a week, you probably need to look in that mirror and say yeah even if I am around the house, i will wear lipstick and put something on that makes me feel good, go shopping and buy things that make me feel good. And, you probably need to "make love" not have sex, have him touch your face and tell you you are beautiful and that he loves you, starting with holding each other at night times without sex, emotions..

CW

[no_desire33]

No, it's not gross to me in that way.... the act of it is gross to me!! I feel awful about it..

I have just recently started doing things for myself.. like getting my hair done (which I hadn't done in about 3 years) and putting forth an effort in my appearance... but, it's not really helping.. I have always felt not so great about myself... but I'm trying..

I am also going back to school.. which I am excited and terrified about.. so we'll see how that goes... I don't really know what we have to do... errr, what I have to do..

My husband compliments me all the time and I tell him to shut up.. and I know I shouldn't do that.. but I guess I don't get why he would find me attractive... I know that is a reason we aren't intimate also..

I'm so frustrated!!! he doesn't get it... I feel just as frustrated as him! I don't get why I don't want it..

[WildChild]

What was your sex life like when you first go together? Right after you were married? After the birth of your first child? Have you always just put up with it or was there a time when you really got into sex? It sounds like he is trying, he compliments you and notices when you do things for yourself. Think back, it sounds like you are deeply angry with him, maybe unable to admit it?
Start here: the appropriate response when anyone compliments you is, Thank You. Period. Don't belittle the compliment by saying, "it's nothing" or you "got it cheap", just , "Thank You" WITH a smile. You need to give your husband this. For both of you.

Get into the doctor and have a full physical including blood work. Tell them you have no sexual desire - my guess is that this is emotional - but rule out any physical problems first. Start an exersize routine, even if it's only 30 mins a day. Do one thing each day for you, no matter how small. Get in to see a counselor, see if they can help you get to the bottom of this. And talk to your husband. Tell him what is going on with you. Ask him to help you.

A lot of people, women and men, get kind of weird after children are born. The realisation that the woman's body is about more than pleasure can be a shocker. Quite a few women fall into the 'mommy' syndrome. Mommies aren't sexy. A counselor can help you sort this out.

[2morrow]

When I had 3 small children at home, the last thing I wanted was sex. I absolutely dreaded the fact that hubby was going to want it later that night. I would go to bed hours after he did, just to avoid him. Or I would put on the ugliest pj's money could buy. I always walked around in sweats, rarely wore makeup. I had no sex drive, I do think that having small children, is the best birth control ever.

Now that my children are older, and I have more time to focus on myself, I absolutely love sex. I wear sexy clothes, I have a drawer full of sexy underthings, I take care of myself, I will never wear sweatpants again ! I look at pix of myself from years ago, and I cringe.

I love myself now, and I can fully relate to all women who have little ones underfoot and struggle with being the sexy diva for hubby. One day, it will get better. In the meantime, try really hard to please hubby, even if its one night a week. its so important for both of you. Buy a sexy nightie, even if you don't want to, do it anyway. Act the sex goddess, who knows you may eventually come to love sex again. Go girl go !!

[Greydog72]

Hi, ND33

I may not be the best one to give advice because I'm a man. But I'm like your husband. I also have 3 kids. I have been married over 15 years and have problems with my wife not wanting to sex. I love her very much and have and will do anything for her.(I have never cheated) I wish I could help you with your problem but I haven't been able to help my wife. We did have a month of "come to Jesus" talks about 6 months ago when I told my kids I was sorry that we had problems and one of them told my wife. It has gotten alittle better, but it hasn't. I get mad now at everything and she thinks that I'm over analyzing things. I have suggested many things and all she does is turn them down. The only thing that she tell me is that I need some depression meds. I have even ask the dr. and they said that I don't need them that WE need counseling, but she just ignores me. I wish I could tell you why sex or intamacy is important to me. To me...it is the only thing in my life that I want to do with her. I laugh with friends, I have a good time with friends...I don't make love with friends. I would do anything she asked me to do, if she would ask. But I feel like she wouldn't do anything for me if I asked. Except to leave her alone. To touch her is magic, to feel her is heaven, to make love to her is the place of comfort and satisfaction. To Me. It hurts me to know that she doesn't feel the same way about me. I'm at the stage now that I need change. Either from her or me....I can't stop feeling this way and I'm at a crossroads. It's hard if I have to leave someone I love.

Sorry about the sad story, but your situation feels like mine but in reverse.
I hope you and your husband find each other and you rid yourself of these feelings of sex being bad.

[no_desire33]

Thank you everyone!!

Our sex life when we first got together was amazing!!! we would stay up all night almost everynight!! but it only lasted a month bc I got pregnant and our sex life went downhill from there and I think it was like that bc it was new.. before I was with him, I slept around.. I enjoyed sex bc it would be different everytime bc I was with a different person everytime... that's so gross to think of now..

After we got married, it never returned to the way it was the first month.. I would get in the mood here and there every so often.. definitely not as much as my husband wanted..

I have a child with another man but my husband IS her father.. she doesn't know her real father and it's best that way... and after the birth of our twins, my drive still never came back fully!

I got into sex in the beginning bc it was new... now it's just.... blah.. we both have forgotten what each of us like.. and it's all bc of me.. my husband wants sex mulitple times a day and that is impossible for me.. (it's painful) the few times we do do it, I feel that he doesn't appreciate it...

We recently went through a time where I wanted to leave him.. I was being lied to.. he hurt me and I still don't trust him... but, before all this, and when the sex started to dwindle, I trusted him... so why weren't we having sex when I DID trust him???!

I have an appointment with my doctor on monday! so hopefully good things will come out of that

[WildChild]

Ah, now we are getting more of the story. You do like sex and are able to enjoy it. YOu've shut down for some reason. THe Doc is a good starting point. John Grey is a fav of mine and he says that for women essentially intimancy and feeling cared for feeds sexual desire, while for men sex create the closeness needed to create intimacy and caring. Kind of two sides of one card.

You came into the relationship with a child and didn't have much time to be a couple before you were pregnant. You've got some trust issues and I'd guess some anger or resentment going on at some level. He may have some too. Who is supporting your household financially? Get some counseling, if nothing else it provides a 'safe' environment to communicate with each other. A counselor can help both of you with your communication and relationship skills. Life flies by more quickly than you realize, you don't really want to spend it as a single parent or living in a marriage that is unhappy. Get some help and see what you can do not just to save it but to make it good.

Get on line and check out, Mama Gena's Marriage Manual she has a whole chapter on the "Good Wife" syndrome, that idea that mommy isn't sexy, mommy doesn't have energy for sex.... You have to get past this, you are depriving yourself as well as your husband of one of life's greatest pleasures. Now why would you do that?

[Fire(m)]

I feel for you "no desire 33". Tough situation. I can understand your side of it. Thanks for posting.

I've typed a message to you about this 6 times, and every time I ditch the entire message and start over. See, I'm in your husband's situation, and I've been there for a long time.

I love my wife and I'm in love with her and we've been married for 23 years. There's just no sex - say once every 4 months or so, and when we do have sex, it is so "just get it over with", that I have just given up 100% on it...I'd rather have fun by myself and masturbate than have pitifully lousy sex with her. This is one MISERABLE situation for the husband (in this case, ME).

I don't know what I can offer you in terms of advice, but I would suggest that if it is possible for you to consider getting some help (doctor, therapist, sex therapist...etc), pleaseeeeeee...pleaseeeeeee...for the love of God and your husband, get some help.

The lack of sex, affection, etc. kills my heart. It hurts...bad. I do love her so much and I love being around her and other than the sex we have a near perfect life together.

Divorce isn't an option for me (I don't want that). Messing around on my wife isn't an option either (although she has given me carte-blanche permission to do so...and has even requested it specifically MANY TIMES). I'm just not that kind of person. So, I suffer. I have to keep my mind off it as much as I can. When I start to think about it much it just kills me.

No need for anyone to try to help me through this problem, although I know many on this site would gladly offer. I have been through this for so long now I have purposefully given up. For me to change course on this would be for me to regain hope in this situation and I'm just unwilling to continue the hurt over this. I have hurt enough.

I hate it for the wives who experience things like this. I hate it for the husbands too. I wish I could give someone a message of hope about this, but if the woman doesn't want it enough to seek help out, then everyone just loses...bigtime.

Someday I'll get over it. I'm already well on my way.

Cheers.

[WildChild]

Fire I don't know how you manage. I've been on both sides of it and can't stand it either way. As a woman, I've shut down when I felt repeatedly rejected or misused but I've managed some pretty poor relationship choices. I've also had some men in my life who, either because of affairs or for emotional/health reasons have lost interest. It miserable. I know women who simply don't care for sex. I had a gf tell me a couple years ago that she was so happy to be 50 because that meant no more sex. I have no idea why 50 was her number but fortunately she's single. Personally no sex drives me nuts, I can shut it off for a while and then it creeps back up on me and I start climbing the walls just about.

I hope you have some outlets for your energy; exersize, a sport, hobbies something that engages you and profides some release. I must say that your attitude and continued caring are admirable and baffling to me - I can't maintain a feeling of loving for too many years without intimacy - I just got out of an 8 yr marraige with 6 yrs of little or no sex, or for that matter seldom even a hug. I didn't have the ability to handle it. I do understand your feeling that none is better than lousy, it just makes you want it without hope of getting it.

You've said you don't want any help, I'm sure that will be respected. You must do what is best for you. I took to heart something I heard or read and got out. It was: You don't get any extra points for suffering. I hope that what you do have within your relationship is worth it for you.