my daughter will not speak to her father

[happy ending]

i am a sole parent with an eleven year old daughter. my marriage broke up because of my husbands drinking and the behaviour that went with it. lying, irresponsibility, breaking promises etc. he was never a good father, we for example never went on a picnic, fishing etc. his friends always came first. he would make promises to our daughter and then not turn up.

two years ago things went too far and we left (my daughter and I), but the lying and broken promises went on. for example last christmas he rang up and told my girl he was coming over and bringing a big bag of presents. he then didnt turn up. She cried herself to sleep. I have met someone now and we do all the family things together. Anyway two months ago, my ex did the same thing he always does - made plans and then didnt turn up. Now my daughter will not speak to him, she wont even answer the phone in case its him ringing. Do you think i need to send her to a therapist? she wrote him a letter and told him although she loves him, she cant see him right now.

I understand her anger and hurt, she told me her dad had broken her heart. what can i do to make it better for her. I love her so much, and cant bear to see her pain.

[Joy]

HI so sorry your lil girl has to deal with this. There are support groups called alanon for family memebers that live with have been affected by alcoholics. You could go together. I"m sure you can contact a local chapter thur AA.

You were so smart to remove yourself and your lil girl from the situation to begin with. Its great you have met a good man that is trying to show her what a family can do together.

I hope her lil heart mends xx

[happy ending]

thanks for your reply Joy, at first i tried to encourage her to repair things, now i am just staying out of it. maybe the people from alanon can help. i live in the country so it can be difficult to acess these things. its hard to help her, when he has hurt me too. my dad was an alcoholic, but despite that i really loved him. its so hard to know what to do especially as he seems to think i have poisoned her mind against him!

[Joy]

That is why i suggested you guys go together... he has affected your life as well. It would give you both tools to help deal with him in the future and a lil healing from the past.

In time your daughter will reach out and repair this but she is the child he is the adult. Until he starts accepting some of the responsibility of their relationship their isn't much reason too.

He can blame you all he wants its what alcoholics do best... blame others accepting no responsibility. Denial they even have a problem with booze. One day he might sober up or get his drinking to a healthy level and he will have to face himself and repair some the relationships he has helped destroy along the way.

Taking her to a program that is lined up to support the family memebers of an alcoholic is a good thing. It will teach her alcoholism is a disease / addiction that this is not her fault. I think you will both benefit greatly from it.

[happy ending]

he seems to blame me for everything, including that his life hasnt turned out the way he hoped, mainly because of his own poor choices. she is so angry at him, and he seems almost jealous of her. as his behaviour towards us worsened, we sort of clung together and shut him out - but we were quite frightened of his unpredicability. its such a mess, i dont really want to take her to a counsellor, but looking at your post, maybe its because i feel a bit guilty. he always pushed the blame onto me, its only now, i'm with someone that treats me with love and respect, i realise how abnormal it all was. my ex is completely self centred, and sees himself as a victim.

[Joy]

well you can't argue with the victim right.... I don't know if he has a family history of alcoholism, if he was treated like this as a child and witnessed his parents behavior in the manner..... but its not acceptable behavior.

You are not to blame for his alcoholism unless during your relationship you were holding him down and pouring it down his throat. Even if you stressed him out everyday in your relationship ... drinking is no way to solve problems and there are never many answers at the bottem of any bottle.

so no you are not to blame for his alcoholism....

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Your ex's problems are deep.. It's not just alcohol, that's an addiction. Sure he is self - centered but he was emotionally abusive, still is, and therefore sees himself as the victim, he thrives on hurting, he did that for ages with the two of you, to the extent that you comforted each other, and found the strength from those hugs and love, to walk.

He sees his world as un-happy, and so he drinks.. that leads to depression and no desire to do anything with life, and everyone in it stinks.

He blames you because, you can carry his guilt.. he likes to hurt. Emotional abuse, I will bring a bag of presents ( not)... and then it's your fault, because you made him this way, depressed, alcoholic, victim.

Your daughter needs to know that he is ill, not an alcoholic.

He needs to know that he is ill and needs to get his shirt together and get into councelling and straighten out his life.

You need to understand it is NOT your fault and at this point your daughter needs you, and your new man, and the concentration of your lives...

Tell your ex, that until he works out he is depressed with life and therefore puts the blame on everyone else, hurting them in the process, using emotional abuse, YOU don't think that he is doing your daughter any good by being in the picture, it will effect her long term... And, so stay away...

As harsh as that all sounds, the fact is, he is doing damage.

He is doing damage to: -

Your daughter
You
Your new man
Himself

Damage.

Abuse "emotionally" is hard to detect, because he doesn't/hasn't hit you, you see it as he is just self centered, a batchelor, selfish, an alcoholic...

It is not until you stand outside that square and really look at all the things he used to say to you, that bought you to your lowest point and made you feel guilty that you will realise that in fact, he is/was an emotionally abusing husband and as such, it's time to heal and move on.

Without help, he won't change.

I would explain to your daughter, that the times you clung together, the times you both got the blame, all the things he failed at including being a Father, is an illness, he is ill and needs help but won't get it and so, not to beat herself up either and think that it's her fault.

I am betting that she is actually feeling that as well, as she has watched your reactions, felt your feelings and shifted some of that blame to herself.

It's not either of your fault, he went down the ladder and can't climb back up.. Not either of you.

CW

[happy ending]

thank you both so much, i was tearing up reading your posts. i know its not my fault, but sometimes i feel a bit --- guilty i suppose. he was always a drinker, but when we had a few setbacks, which happen in every life, he got more dependent on the bottle and his behaviour began to change at home. one of the problems is no-one else really saw that side of him. people can see that my daughter is afraid of him, but they think its me.

when we first left, my daughter and i cried everynight, i asked him to get help for his drinking, but he wouldnt and my daughter finally said to me "mum we dont need him - we're better off without him" and we began to heal.

you're right he is an emotional abuser, nothing was ever right, we were never good enough.

he has a girlfriend now, i actually feel sorry for her.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Just focus your energy on this new relationship, this new found freedom and beauty that you are " happy ending" remember, you wrote it, you felt it, and it will be...

You both deserve it and you both don't need him in your lives in the capacity that he has been...

Yes, he is an emotional abuser so stay clear now, as much as you both can.

Take care.

CW

[happy ending]

well it is easier to avoid him now, he used to ring up supposedly to talk to his daughter but really to whinge and whine about life on his own. now he has no excuse, its actually very liberating, the only thing i am concerned about - i guess is that as he drinks and drives and drinks heavily despite having heart problems that he might die and leave my girl feeling guilty. i am feeling very positive about the future, i guess the name happy ending is a giveaway.