my 3yo daughter and my wife

[rtlsurg]

Hi all, I understand this is a women support forum, but I figure I could find some ideas or advices from the mothers out there. My wife and I have a lovely 3 years old daughter. My wife and I love her and try to do our best for her, just like all other parents.

First, some background: My work requires me not being at home most of the day (long hours) and even some nights or weekends. My wife is a stay home mom (but she is a well trained and qualified accountant). We moved to a city (because of my work) where we are all by ourselves without family or close friends. We are by no mean wealthy, but will try to provide the best to our daughter.

Here is the problem: I don't know if it is because my long work hour that makes me un-available at home most of the time, my daughter like to stick with me a lot when ever I am home, I have no complaint about that. However, she does not want mom to be part of it, even if it is not all the time, at least most of the time. For example, she would say something like, "mom, you go to the kitchen and cook, let me play with dad." or "mom, I don't want you here" or when we are going out, she would said "mom, I don't want you to go, I just want to go with dad" or the other way "I don't want to go, mom, you can go by yourself and I'll stay home with dad", something along these lines. I can imagine how it would be for my wife. My daughter would shows little things that she loves me, e.g., make me a dish from her kitchen or give me a piece of what she is eating, etc. But she would not do that to her mom. In fact, she would say she does not want to share with her mom. Many time, I have to ask her to share something with her mom and she still would not. There are times that when I play with her, we build something together, like Lego, and I ask her to show to her mom, and she would refuse. Sometimes she would but most of the time, she would not. Sometimes, when she hear mom is coming, she would knock down the Lego, so mom does not get to see it. She know I don't like it. I talked to her on many occasions, after those incidences and casually, firmly, softly or even angrily. I am sure she understands that would make mom upset and that I don't like it, at least she said she understand when I ask her. I told her repeatedly that I love both her and her mom, and also, mom loves her too.

My wife loves her a lot and yes, at time, she disciplines my daughter and occasionally has her tamper. Me too, I sometimes get angry also. My adughters just keep doing and saying small things to me and her mom, as if she's trying to upset her mom, but I can't imagine she is doing it on purpose. My wife is at a point where she sometimes (more often lately) regrets of having a kid. My daughter would say to my wife "I love you mom" almost everyday in the morning before getting up (our daughter still sleeps in between us). But she said that's about all she feels "love" return from our daughter everyday. I can tell she is getting upset and disappointed.

What can I do? What should I do? I am trapped in the middle. I am scare of going to work, just to come home to see my daughter crying or my wife crying. I am spending too little time at home as it is, so I want to make it a family time as much as possible, at least when my daughter is not asleep.

Any idea or advice is welcome.

Thank you
rtlsurg

[CHANDLERS WISH]

I find this really strange. 1 ) Because of her age i mean very switched on to act the way she is acting for attention....

This is harsh but a question that is needed, does your wife suffer from post natal depression?

If you are away as much as you state, you would not know, but this desease and it is a desease, makes women say things that otherwise, they would not say, do things they would not usually do and the child feels, no love.

It also creates the woman to tear because she wonders why she is like this as she usually is full of love.

YOu are describing not a jealous child not at that age, rather one that is not loved in the capacity of love and waits for the one to come home that gives her that love.

My Mother was like that... But I had a brother, and he received all the attention and i did not...

I recall even at that age, doesn't bother me so don't be concerned in that regard.

But I can't work out why, this child whom is way young. I can see you are wondering if it's your work, lets let some parents answer this at your age, your child's age.

Or, rememberance.

The only part that concerns me? Is, the "diss of her Mother", instead of "Daddy TOOO"....

CW

[Little]

It might be a harmless phase. Granted, I never had a good relationship with my mother but I recall at a young age (4 or 5, maybe) doing this sort of thing. "Daddy, I'm ready to get tucked in!" and telling my mother to go away.
Though Freud's been largely disproven, he must have had some kind of behavioral basis for his Oedipus and Elektra complexes. A child focuses his/her attention on the opposite-gender parent and is jealous of the same-gender parent. The "Mommy will you marry me" phase.
I hope it blows over and does turn out to just be a phase. Temporary or not, I see how it could really hurt your wife's feelings and her relationship with her child.

[sourpuss]

I think one thing that you and your wife need to do is get your daughter sleeping in her own bed! She's 3! She needs to see you and your wife as a parental team. She is between the two of you, literally. As long as she is in a situation where she gets to decide who she spends time with and who is welcome and who is not, she's in control.

I'm sure it stems from being with her mom all day and he mom being the disciplinarian and you being gone. But if you discipline her as well and also show a lot of love for your wife in front of her, I think that would help.

[KatieAnne]

Don't be too worried...i think your biggest problem is her in your bed, not her attachment to her daddy lol.

At 2-4 most little girls have a "Daddy Phase" (called and Oedipal stage in psychology lol).. she wants to be daddy's princess and she doesn't want to share you with mommy. its a weird jealousy that will eventually go away...this must of course be difficult on your wife, but soon your little girl will be glued to mommy's side. Don't worry too much about it

As far as how to handle it or how to get her sleepingin her own bed... im in no position to offer advise as i have no children of my own and don't want to over step boundaries lol

good luck =)

[vintage_butterfly]

I will first off start by saying that I am not a parent, but I do help my friends with their children. (At one point I also was primary caregiver to my now ex-foster sister's son.) So I do have some small experiences I can work off of.

I believe part of the problem is stemming from the fact that your daughter is 3 years old and still sleeps between the two of you. At some point she has to begin to sleep in her own bedroom. It's probably time to start that process and it maybe difficult as well.

Another problem might be that dad is gone at work all day and she wants to spend as much time with you as possible. I understand this hurts your wife's feelings, but I don't think your daughter is purposely trying to hurt mommy's feelings.

I'd try sitting down with your daughter and maybe asking her why she doesn't want to let mommy play too? Or why she doesn't want to have mommy come too? In the end if the root cause can't be found and it's creating turmoil, you may even try a child therapist. Sometimes they can help get to the root of the problem. Good luck.