my fiance is addicted to porn and i'm so lost

[iggyB]

As a guy, I have to tell you that we all watch porn. And you wonder why.

And I want to be very honest with all of you ladies. I love my wife and I have never and will never cheat on her. (Unless you count porn). But I am a horny dog. And as much as I enjoy making love to my wife, sometimes I just have a need to release my tension in a different way.

For those individuals who say "That's no different then cheating", well then you are either going to decide to be single or you are going to just have to find someone who's good at hiding it from you. And those of few of you who think your husband doesn't have porn and he doesn't. You are either blessed and/or cursed. Those are not normal men.(If you get my hint).

-"Am I not good enough?". Of course you are good enough. Why do you thin that guy is dating or married to you?
-"Does he want that women more then me?". Yes, as much as someone who just got a Porsche 911 4s (I know, you don't know what it means but it's a really really nice expensive sports car) is ooking at a dirty old truck saying "That's nice...". Sometimes, we want something different. That doesn't mean we don't want you.
- "So why do I feel so cheap". Because you are you. And there's nothing wrong with him or you.
- "Should I ignore it?". Not always. If it's starting to impact his work, then you need to talk to him. Actually, the more he has to hide, the more it impacts. If he can openly let himself go, then it's probably better. It's sort of like a kid sneaking into a theater when he can afford it. Don't make it exciting!
- "I hate the stuff he watches.". There are tons of porn out there. Try soft porn instead. Sometime he will want to watch something else. Just leave him alone and let him do his thing. (Sounds like taking a dog out. Well we are dogs. WOOF!).
- "If that was my daughter...". Look, there are tons of things in the world we don't want. And screaming at people isn't going to help. If you want to solve this problem, then educate. A big part of our society's problem is that we created an environment where people are hiding about their sexuality. I wish we were more open.

I hope this gives you a better idea of how a 'guy' thinks. I'm sure he loves you. More then you can imagine. But you don't love him for who he is because he doesn't love you and do everything you want him to do. We all have our own quirks. And his isn't as bad as you think. I bet if you say "I hate porn, but I love you so I'm just going to ignore it.". I bet you'll have the most passionate sex ever. Not because you allowed him. Because you chose to love a man for who he is.

And trust me, we all feel shame for doing it, but we can't help it. But we love those who love us for what we are.

WOOF!

-Iggy

[CHANDLERS WISH]

I bet if you say "I hate porn, but I love you so I'm just going to ignore it.". I bet you'll have the most passionate sex ever.

-"Does he want that women more then me?". Yes, as much as someone who just got a Porsche 911 4s (

Your very one sided there, me,me,me,me... It's all about me don't you think?

And I find the first quote quite degrading. This may be your take on how you expect your woman to except porn, but not women's in general.

For instance, you omit that he has stated he doesn't watch it, doesn't need to and then she finds it in his closet.

And, you state, if it effect his "work" what about if it effects her?

Very one sided but thanks for "your opinion" on the subject I am sure there are loads of women who will give it to you so that they can get a passionate romp in the bedroom.

LMAO.

dear me.

CW

[WildChild]

-"Does he want that women more then me?". Yes, as much as someone who just got a Porsche 911 4s (I know, you don't know what it means but it's a really really nice expensive sports car) is ooking at a dirty old truck saying "That's nice...". Sometimes, we want something different. That doesn't mean we don't want you.

-Iggy

I don't have a problem with your take on porn but why on earth would you think women wouldn't know what a Porsche 911 is!!!??? Some of us know what a Bugatti Veyron is too. Personally my favorite vehicle ever was my old Chevy half ton straight 8. Some of us own tools, do our own tune ups, change our own water pumps, can frame a wall, and hang dry wall (tape and mud it too). Can you make bread without a bread making machine? Make your own pattern and then tailor a tuxedo? I can not only wear a baseball cap, I can make one - can you? While baking cookies from scratch and nursing a baby at the same time? Can you walk gracefully in high heels? I look pretty fetching in steel toed boots too. I also give a great massage and have a tongue that...well we won't take this any further. Duuude.

[ericas]

Here it goes:

Everyone is going to have a different opinion about what is right and what is wrong. Depend on our values, religion, and morals some of us can understand why there is concern regarding this issue. I will tell you my personal story...

A year and a half ago, before my fiance and I got engaged, I caught my fiance talking inappropriately to a woman of Myspace. At first I didn't bring up the issue because I understood that we had just met, but the other fact was we had also just moved in together. This being a huge step I was having a hard time letting it go.

I let it go for about three weeks and my feelings started to overwhelm me. I eventually had to come clean about what I had found. I told my fiance that I was sorry for invading his privacy and that I would forgive him if he could forgive me. We moved past the issue and he deleted his Myspace account.

Several months past and we got engaged. About three months after that I started feeling that something was wrong (some people will tell you that women just have a sixth sense to these sort of things) and couldn't put my finger on it. I started snooping again, but this time I installed a keylogger one day and went out with one of my friends that night just to see what he would do.... some would probably smack me for this, but like I said we all have different opinions...

I got more than I bargained for that night. When I came home and checked his laptop not only was he looking at countless websites of porn, but also talking to several women on the internet, had several email address I didn't even know he had with emails from several women sending naked pictures of themselves, and not to mention a new Myspace account where he was talking to other women, including the women he had conversed with the prior year and said he would never talk to again.

Pornography has been a major concern because it has led to all these other issues in our relationship, whereas, it may be just a harmless thing for someone else. I have always been open about pornography. I use to enjoy watching it with my past boyfriends and never saw a huge problem with it. Even when I first found out that my fiance was just looking at porn sites I just asked him to stop hiding it from me. I even signed up for an account to order DVDs for us to watch. Now, I can't even stand to see a racy sex seen on public TV in front of my fiance without feeling uncomfortable.

My fiance started seeking counseling, but it really hasn't improved his porn surfing much and since I just recently lost my job from the current economy he is no longer going to therapy. So now he looks at porn every morning before work and when I go out with my girlfriends occasionally.

Pornography has a constant hold on our relationship because it is very hard for me to trust him now, even when he says he'll never talk to another women inappropriately on the internet again. It is still hard to accept that he never will.

In conclusion, his pornography addition has left me feeling degraded, unwanted, and unattractive (much like the person who posted this message). I don't feel I am good enough or he wouldn't be trying to find women to talk to. Now that he seems to not be talking to other women I feel that I'm not physically good enough. I don't even want to be intimate with him anymore.

I've sat down and talked to him countless times about how it makes me feel, about not wanting to be intimate with him, and the fears I have. Regardless, he still continues to do it. He once told me it is like cocaine to him; he just as to have it even though he doesn't want to do it... he just can't help it.

Regardless of all of this, I love my fiance with all my heart. He is my soul mate and the one person I couldn't live without, so this is the battle I am facing and hope that one day trust can be restored.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

I think there's a fine line with love.

Without Trust.
Without Intimacy.
Without feeling Sexy.

This will be a lonely journey and one that will pull you down further and further over time......

It's a journey for one, not two....

I hate to say this but yes, his addiction is like cocaine, it's not just a habit but one that he can't break.

All I can suggest for you is to help him break the habit, slowly, ie) every second morning for a month, not every morning and be there to ensure he can't, take it one step at a time, wheening him off and then re-gain your intimacy with him so that he has a healthy, happy, interesting sex life with you as you see the changes..

If not, then you two won't be able to have a happy, healthy relationship and I suggest that you hold on the marriage for at least 12 months to see if this can be achieved first...

Life long commitment of being un-happy is a waste of us being here on this planet and it always balls down to "choice"... your choice.

CW

[caterpillar79]

All I see here is that he takes and takes and you'll deplete your supplies, ericas. You are co-dependent, not healthy. It will take a toll on you. I know how that feels - I also dealt with a similar issue, hoping not to deal with it again.

How can men be more considerate of our needs? I really see this as a breach of your trust, his loyalty. This is a tough journey, yet, it is always your choice, like CW said.

[ericas]

unfortunately it is a battle I am faced with. My fiance is a good person overall. This is his one weakness. He is perfect in so many ways. In the past I have always been quick to anger, but with him I try to be more rational about my feelings. I have opened up to several people: my friends, my family, and some co-workers that I trust dearly.

I know this is something that has to be sought through on my own and I need to give him boundaries. I have a psychology minor degree and try to see things from another persons point of view. Our wedding is not until next October so we have time to work through our issues.

I view his addiction just the same as for me because I smoke cigarettes. I try to put it into perspective about how he feels about me smoking and us working through it together, however, I feel that my smoking is physically hurting me, not him... not ruining our relationship as his actions are doing... if that makes any sense, but I smoke more when I look at what he views every morning or when I'm gone in the evening. I would smoke less if I didn't have the stress of seeing what he looks at everyday or wondering if he's back to talking to other women.

It's a journey I'm willing to take because I do believe in him and he is my best friend.

Trust me, I've had my trials and I've only grown from them. So, if we can get through this together it will make us stronger in the end. However, I'm not giving excuses and know there is a line that has to be drawn.

I appreciate the feedback and that is one of the reasons I signed up to reply to this post so I could get other opinions.

Thank you.

[ericas]

Good news is that after posting my problem yesterday my fiance and I sat down and talked about both of our issues. He has not been surfing websites the last couple of days and his reason for quitting was because he wanted me to quit smoking (I started smoking at home, which I hadn't done before). He has now committed to quit his addiction to be able to help me with my own addiction.

Thanks so much!

[WildChild]

That's great! Sounds like a win/win deal. Sex is supposed to help you curb the tobacco addiction.

[caterpillar79]

Way to go! That is positive interdependence - being accountable to each other's well-being and goals.