my fiance is addicted to porn and i'm so lost

[luckytobealady]

this is my first post, and i actually joined this site specifically because i was looking for someone to talk to.

i love my fiance and i know that i want to marry him. he admitted to me about 3 years ago that he had a pornography addiction.

i have done everything that i can think of to help. he says it has nothing to do with me and i believe that the problem doesn't exist because of me, but it does have to do with me now.

he doesn't like to talk about it but every once and a while i can get him to talk.

i have learned how to talk about it without becoming angry or upset, and i try to control my need to have him understand what it puts me through.

i don't ignore it, but i focus on him. if he can't take steps to fix the problem, what good does it do to bring my damage into it?

he agreed to have a porn blocker installed on our computer, and things were good for about a year. the blocker expired, and the first night available, i found more than 10 sites and movies on the computer. i am crushed again.

i just don't know what to do. i am confident that we will be able to keep taking small steps, but i just needed to cry to someone.

i can't tell our friends or family because i do not want to hurt him in other people's eyes. it makes me feel horrible.

like i am his leftovers. i don't want him to touch me. i feel like i'm not good enough for him, like i don't please him, like i can't trust him.

i feel like he has cheated on me and i'm only one of hundreds that he's gone through and when he can choose me or them sometimes he still chooses them.

it makes me think things that i don't want to think. like, why should i stay with him. i don't deserve this, i need better. and while i am aware of my needs to feel desired and to have trust and sexual integrity, i am also aware that this is an addiction that i do not know what it is like to have.

would leaving him be like leaving someone who has a disease? can he help it? i go through periods where i can't get over my anger or my feelings of hurt, then i feel better, but only until next time.

i feel so helpless and alone. if anyone can relate, i'd love to just talk about it, get some feelings out. or if anyone has advice, i'm in need of anything.

i've tried books and website articles, but in the end i still feel alone. if anyone can talk to me it would be appreciated. thank you

[WildChild]

Hi Lucky, Just to get a better feel for the situation, could you please define for us, what you consider an addiction? Did he actually call it an addiction or is that your term? Does it keep him from holding a job? Socialising? Has he depleated his bank account for porn? How extensive is the problem?

[luckytobealady]

he first used the word. he has not spent all his money on it, and we are still college students so his job is only part time, and he misses it here and there because he is tired or whatever...but without the blocker, almost everytime i leave the house he will do it. he tries to clear the history, but i am pretty good with computers and can find it. i guess in comparison to some men's problems, it may be small because it is not physically ruining his life, but the biggest problem is that he knows how much it hurts me and he has told me how much it hurts him, and neither of these things are a large enough motivation to stop. when something you do hurts you and the person you love the most, but you CAN'T stop, i would say that sums up the extent of the problem. he has told me that when he has done it, it is an immediate regret. he feels guilty (for me) and disappointed (for his lack of self-control) so not only am i upset for myself, it hurts me even more that he has to go through these feelings of hate for himself.

[rcoreyus]

OK, he agrees that he is addicted - that is a good sign. He is probably somewhat compulsive - and that compulsion has latched onto porn. Maybe he can become compulsive about something less destructive.

Adiction is a problem - and porn adiction is as real as any of the more common ones. One good thing is that it is not illegal or expensive (if he is going to free sites), so he can safely seek help.

It might make sense for him to seek counseling.

Does he have a lot of free time? If so, maybe finding other ways to keep busy would work.

Maybe get a linux computer. By the time either of you manage to get Flash working he may have completely forgotten about porn. <g>

Another thought - (maybe this is REALLY STUPID). Could you and he make your own porn movies - for him to watch. That way the porn he watches is you? (If you trust him not to put it on the internet of course).

[CHANDLERS WISH]

rcoreyus

Another thought - (maybe this is REALLY STUPID). Could you and he make your own porn movies - for him to watch. That way the porn he watches is you? (If you trust him not to put it on the Internet of course).

That's not a silly thought, one thing the threader has not stated is how their intimacy is, not that, that is something you won't to post but hey, we don't know you?

So, is he substituting what he wants? He has a side of him that is adventurous obviously how therefore, is your sex life adventurous? or not... sometimes what you add in helps... I guess is what I am saying, people can be mix matched sometimes...

CW

[luckytobealady]

thanks to all for the advice and the responses. we actually had a really great talk last night. i think that finally addressing my feelings motivated me to be honest about how i felt about the whole situation. i shouldn't have been surprised to find out that he was very willing to listen and work with me. i am confident that we will work through this. there will be good days and bad days, but we can do it.

also, about our intimacy, it is actually great. i know that men like different and exciting, and i do a good job keeping it fresh, and he does his fair share as well :-)

i do have one more quesiton tho, any women who might have an answer, but especially if there are any men out there reading...he says that the appeal of porn is that it is always different, and that there is absolutely no appeal to the women other than as sex objects. (and he is not the type to use women, he said it's just the best description of the motivation) i guess it's good that there's not like one woman he keeps looking up, but is that a natural thing for a man to enjoy? he says he loves me and that we have passion which is different than lust, which is what men experience with porn. is this natural?

[rcoreyus]

Well for me (male) fantasy and reality are completely different. I can fantasize about being a fighter pilot, or ninja assassin, or emperor of the galaxy. That doesn't mean that in reality I would want to to any of those things (well maybe emperor....<g>). In the same way I can fantasize about a women that in reality I would have no interest in sleeping with.

I think porn is that sort of fantasy. I (and probably a lot of men) wouldn't really want to sleep with a porn star - in fact the concept is sort of gross. But as a fantasy it is appealing.

As far as natural: porn has been around for thousands of year. (maybe longer - who knows what the "Venus of Willendorf" style figures were for).

[WildChild]

It's funny he says porn is always different and that you think men like, "different and exciting". I find porn to be tediously boring in general because it's all the same, they go at it and go at it and look essentally bored, the bj are all pretty much the same and it gets darned repetitious. Men seem to like a bit of "different and exciting" for about two months and then start falling into a rut - you have to keep surprising them or dragging them outside or into another room or off to the car.... It can get tiring becasue half the time they don't want to.

[Married15]

It doesn't sound like he is addcited to porn, it sounds like he is trying to make you happy by not looking at it...How did it all start that "he was gonna stop looking at it"...Was it something you told him to do, meaing something you basically said "I don't want you looking at this being with me"..If so, of course he is going to hide it..It's nothing but natural for a man or a woman to be attracted to the other sex and to like eye candy..You do it, I do it, everyone does it.. and just because a person is in a commited realtionship does not mean they no longer have that natural desire...


And I agree with him...Porn is eye candy(lust) thats it..Unless he is replacing your intimacy with his porn, I don't see an issue...

My husband looks at porn, he has a thing for boobs...DO I care, nah because he constantly pays attention to mine! and I mean constantly...lol

[Uneeklyme]

It doesn't sound like he is addcited to porn, it sounds like he is trying to make you happy by not looking at it...How did it all start that "he was gonna stop looking at it"...Was it something you told him to do, meaing something you basically said "I don't want you looking at this being with me"..If so, of course he is going to hide it..It's nothing but natural for a man or a woman to be attracted to the other sex and to like eye candy..You do it, I do it, everyone does it.. and just because a person is in a commited realtionship does not mean they no longer have that natural desire...


And I agree with him...Porn is eye candy(lust) thats it..Unless he is replacing your intimacy with his porn, I don't see an issue...

My husband looks at porn, he has a thing for boobs...DO I care, nah because he constantly pays attention to mine! and I mean constantly...lol

My thoughts exactly. Reading through this whole thread I kept thinking hmmm, it sounds more like she doesn't want him watching porn so she harps and he rebels. Not that he should be disrespecting her feelings on the issue but is she taking his feelings into consideration? It sounds like OP and her boy have a fine physical relationship so the porn isnt affecting that. He attends school and has a job and hasn't bombed either so it doesnt affect that. Where the problem starts is when he watches and she reacts. I get that there are people out there that don't want porn watching as part of their relationship but people out there also need to understand that porn is only as harmful as you make it. In this case, he watches, he feels guilty but not because of what he saw, because he knows it hurts her. He doesnt want to hurt her but he doesnt want to be her possesion either to be told what to do, how to think, or what to feel. That tends to make one react.