my fiance is addicted to porn and i'm so lost

[Hopeless Dork]

My husband looks at porn, he has a thing for boobs...DO I care, nah because he constantly pays attention to mine! and I mean constantly...lol

That one sentence, has made me feel better than I have felt all week. I've been obsessing over feeling inadequate since I realized my boyfriend looks at photos of naked women, feeling like maybe he didn't think I was good enough. I've gotten a lot of advise and nothing put me into a reality check that made sense more than what you just said.

My bf loves boobs, he loves them, he loves mine lol, maybe that is all it is? Eh maybe I need to relax

But even though I am feeling better about this, gosh I wish men could understand how much porn can hurt their signficant others feelings, make them worry and feel insecure. Almost every women I hear voicing their concerns about porn go down to the root of feeling like less desirable than the porn. Men who must have this in their life should go out of their way to make their lover understand that they are still their number one choice.. and then we'd all relax.

[DippityDoo]

Men who must have this in their life should go out of their way to make their lover understand that they are still their number one choice.. and then we'd all relax.

Ooohhh my goodness, mine does this. He constantly tells me how much he loves me, how sexy thinks I am and I don't know how often he looks at porn, but I don't think it's all that much.......and yet I know one of my issues with him looking at it is my insecurity. He's told me it's just a release, he's told me that he can't even tell me what the women in porn look like, yet still....

Well, my main issue is that he has trouble climaxing with me, yet uses porn for the release.

[WildChild]

Don't know if this will help but I get texts that say things like "Hooters is on channel 28 ,lots of boobs" I'll text back something like "that's nice" or "glad to hear it" and get one back that says 'they are all fake" so I text "mine are all real" and get a reply something like, " you don't hear me complaining about yours".

They know it isn't real, that the people aren't really into it. It's fantasy. When you watch Star Trek you don't expect to meet people with pointy ears. No matter how much you love Dr Who (So glad they brought it back even if they changed it) you don't worry about Daleks invading, so you? Same kind of thing.

[Married15]

Don't know if this will help but I get texts that say things like "Hooters is on channel 28 ,lots of boobs" I'll text back something like "that's nice" or "glad to hear it" and get one back that says 'they are all fake" so I text "mine are all real" and get a reply something like, " you don't hear me complaining about yours".

We have the same kind of convo's, sometimes I will be the one pointing them out..."hey look at those" he will react usually with "yuppin yiminies"(LOL) but then almost simultaneously will grab mine an squeeze or what ever...So yep, looking is okay..

[ShannonG]

Hi there Lucky, I signed up here because I saw your question and I am going through exactly the same as you. I am also am engaged to a guy addicted to Porn and I am getting married in 7 months time.

I feel like I am on a rollercoaster right now as I always knew he liked porn however its only in the last month I have realised that he has a serious addiction and its getting worse and it now affecting our relationship.

My Fiance is constantly looking at Porn and it hurts me too and makes me feel ugly and unwanted, however our sex life has actually got better lately and I guess I am trying to be more experimental to take him away from Porn. It helps, but I can't stop feeling that this is temporary and that as soon as I am out the house etc that he back on the internet. I love him to pieces and I am so scared he's going to leave me. He sometimes says to me that I would be better off without him as he is making me unhappy.. if you need to talk to anyone by PM I am here for you. If anyone else culd help me too I would be so grateful

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Hopeless Dork
gosh I wish men could understand how much porn can hurt their signficant others feelings, make them worry and feel insecure.

Married 15
sometimes I will be the one pointing them out..."hey look at those" he will react usually with "yuppin yiminies"(LOL) but then almost simultaneously will grab mine an squeeze

In-security starts with "self"...

As Married 15 has stated above, it seems that she has no such in-security, it seems that she "knows" that he aint going no-where, it's she that he loves and so it doesn't bother her.

I personally think that apart from the "Porn Addicts" that are totally addictive and pay no attention to their other half, therefore, making them feel in-secure, degraded, nothing wortheless and yes, they exist... If it is just a thing that they like to do but are great in their relationship and in their bed with you, "Both" then don't feel in-secure, know your own self worth...

CW

[JLockhart]

Here is a guy's perspecive. I am currently in a happy relationship. I love my girlfriend, and we have great sex. And I do enjoy looking at porn on a fairly regular basis. I really can't emphasize this enough: It is not in any way shape or form related to lack of love or attraction to my girlfriend, it's just something guys do. And yes, it can become an addiction or problem. I'm not sure if I'd call your B/Fs problem an addiction, although it sounds like it is a bit excessive. He should recognize that toning it down would be a good thing. It might be unrealistic to think he will stop.

This is something that starts with guys when they are young. By age 14 we have a sex drive that is going FULL TILT. What's the solution? Supress it or ignore it? Yeah, right. Go out and have sex with anyone that we can just to get relief? Bad idea. So guys start masturbating. That involves some kind of fantasy. And looking at porn is just an extension of that. I can't remember having sexual fantasies about love, it's just about raw meaningless sex, at least for me anyway. Yeah, I know, aren't we disgusting?

It wouldn't matter if I was married to supermodel, I'd probably still look at porn. And I wouldn't love her any less.

Spicing things up in the bedroom is a helpful, within what both of you are comfortable with. I don't think that will stop him from wanting to look at porn though.

Anyway, whatever issues you need to address in that area, please don't take it personally.

[confusedincali]

i have to say that i thought my bf and i had a problem in this area. he told me early on that he was "addicted" to porn. i thought he was kidding, and went on with life. we moved in together and i realized that he really likes porn...he has quite an extensive collection, and at first i felt like maybe he wasn't happy with me, the way i look, maybe i wasn't fulfillin fantasies in the bedroom...you know...you have been there...but soon i realized that it is just a guy thing...seriously, i mean we had the "are you happy" talk and i know that i know that i know that he loves me and doesn't want to be with anyone else...so i opened up and started offering to watch with him...we watch, try new things, and if you ask me or him, i think we improve on what they do in those flicks...so now it works out for everyone!!! he still downloads pics of porn stars and such, but they are only pictures...so i realize it is nothing to worry about...but i do not ever make him feel like it is wrong to look at porn...we are all sexual creatures, men more than women but we need to find a middle ground so we can all be happy i love my man!!!

[ChelseaRenee]

I'm glad you're starting to feel better about it all, really, but honestly? You know the minute you step away from here, and start realizing that he's still looking at porn a lot, it's going to hurt you just as much as before. I won't say it's right and I won't say it's wrong, but I've been exactly where you are and I know how it feels.

I have a totally unpopular opinion about this on here, but that's fine. I understand men want to look at porn- I understand that it's a normal and healthy desire to wanna see hot girls naked, I'm not stupid. But when there's something in a relationship that one party is doing that harms the other, and there are NO negative repercussions for the other party if they stop doing it...It just seems SO selfish to me not to stop, no matter what it is. I mean, it's either one person feels insecure, unloved, ugly, fat, unworthy, etc. orrrrr one party has to start using their imagination to j*rk off? Yeah, I can see where some people would have a hard time making a choice...

That being said, I am totally 100% completely PRO PORN when both parties are happy and secure with it being a part of their relationship. But when it's making one party feel *that* bad about themselves, should it really even be a question? Compromise has it's place in a marriage-Whose parents to visit on Christmas morning, what to eat for dinner, what movie to see...But when it comes to deep, genuine, important feelings like self-esteem and self-worth, I don't think there's room for compromise.

I'm not preaching, far from it, I'm just here to let you know that you CAN not just accept it because it's the popular way to go, and the one with less conflict. You have a choice in the matter, and more importantly, so does he.

[tasha_correa]

At first I was thinking the same thing as Unkeelyme (that he was doing it to rebel), but when you said that you had a talk with him and he was open to discussion that thought left my mind. It sounds like there is more of an underlying problem with this issue. Maybe a counsler would help. Keep up the good work with trying not to get worked up. I could only imagine how hard that would be. We are here for you. Keep us posted.