Anybody else out there?

[Steph2249]

I'm 26 years old and am in a constant state of anxiety about my relationship and life and its getting ever more painful going thu everyday like this. I've gotten to the point that i just obsess over trying to find clues that my bf's cheating on me because i'm not pretty enough, happy enough, successful enough, and because i suffer from serious social anxiety. i just dont feel like i'm good enough. i look at other women when we're out and on tv and constantly compare myself and am always coming up short. i actually get physically upset and eventually end up having anxiety attacks because of it. my boyfriend is a loving person who is usually patient with me through this but theres times when he cant handle it and tells me toshut up or something and that brings on a whole other set of isses. I dont know if its because i lost my mother when i was 5 and my father went on a dating/marrying binge after that, leaving me feeling much abandoned and put to the side. also, last may (yes i've been holding onto this for that long and if anyone can suggest something to help i'd really appreciate it) i woke up to my bf getting a text saying "baby, i miss you". supposedly it was from some crazy girl who's number he got when she held up a paper with it in her car while they were driving and he thought he hit her or something but at that time he decided to lie and say it must have been a mistext. a month later, 11:30pm she texts again, "Can you talk?" he came up with this girl in the car story while i was locked in the bathroom trying to not pass out while having a severe anxiety attack. i've been mistrusting my guy since then even though he says he was just trying to protect me from the situation of the girl being "crazy" and "stalking him". my previous experiences with men leave me doubting my instincts and wondering if i'm going to end up with a serial womanizer like my father. i'm just all messed up about this and could use some womanly advice. i dont have many females in my life and none that i really trust. please help. i think i'm losing my mind, my anxiety has reached the point that when we get magazines (cosmo, maxim,etc) each month it makes me want to go hide somewhere so i cant be compared to the girls in there or see my guy looking at the magazines so i dont make a nasty comment or just burst into tears. is this normal???

[ThexMrs]

First of all, I'm very sorry to hear all of this. I also compare myself constantly to other women that I find absolutely stunning whether on tv or walking by in the store. Everytime I see a beautiful woman it makes me want to break up with my boyfriend because I think that he would rather be with someone like her than me though he's never done anything but be loving. It's not that I'm ugly, I'm not. I'm actually pretty and I get hit on a lot but that doesn't make me feel any better. I always feel that I'm not good enough for him. It's obviously just our insecurities. That takes a lot to fix. You just have to love you for you.

As for the text... I'm sorry to have to say this but that sounds like complete bull... "Can you talk?" Seems like she's asking if he can talk because they have been talking. Also, "I miss you, baby." That just doesn't seem like a "crazy" girl. Something seems to be up there. Maybe she is just a crazy girl but it really doesn't seem that way from what you've written ESPECIALLY because he lied about it to begin with.

You need to have a serious talk with him. If you can't trust him then there is no relationship. You'll live this way... Forever. You have to be able to trust him and I honestly wouldn't. Not if I was in that situation.

I'm sorry.

[vics68]

I'm really sorry but it does sound like he's up to something and you need to know the truth now rather than later. I was also very insecure and i was like that he put up with me for 2 yrs and left me for another grl.
I would definalty watch out for those texts and harden your heart a little x

[jss2000]

Hi Steph,
Sounds like there may be some shady things happening in your relationship--I'm sorry to hear that.
It's also tough to be wound up so tight so much of the time. Anxiety attacks are extremely uncomfortable and it's no wonder if you begin to dread the attacks just as much as the abandonment! Just remember when you are having an attack that it will subside. Your body can't sustain a fear response for long, so plan to wait it out and watch it pass by.

You asked whether your father's leaving when you were 5 is causing your feelings now. The answer is, yes and no. Yes it may impact what you believe about men who are close to you. At the same time, you are reacting to what you *think* they're doing. So your reaction at any given moment is about beliefs about what's happening right now. The good news is that you can question those beliefs about what exactly it is that's going on--which makes things seem less catastrophic, which makes you feel calm.

That's a basic primer on anxiety management--if all you need to solve your problem is to deal with this relationship issue, then you probably don't need to learn more about this. Is worrying and panicking something you've done a lot of before now, though?

If so, find a good therapist--preferably one who practices cognitive-behavior therapy. Self help books are a good place to start as well. If you are generally a worrier, you might find Robert Leahy's "The Worry Cure" and/or David Burns' "Feeling Good" to be helpful. Do the exercises in these books. The authors are expert therapists, so trying out their recommendations is like getting a low-cost therapy visit. If your anxiety is exclusively around abandonment issues, consult with a therapist to find the best information for you. Best wishes!

[kms]

I'd also recommend seeing a good therapist - and CBT sounds like a good way to go, especially for anxiety and deep-rooted beliefs about men and your own self-image. I also feel the same way when I see women on tv, or even women I see outside, or women in porn (especially that!). Ugh it's so impossible. I'm in really good shape, exercise all the time, watch what I eat, try to dress fashionably, but still I feel like it's never good enough. I finally realized recently that no, I'll never be able to be the same as every single attractive woman out there. Because they're all different, with different strengths and weaknesses! I can just try to be the best am who I am, and enjoy the beauty in others, with confidence that I have beauty too; it just might be different from theirs.

Also, you can't force anyone to love you or be attracted to you. We can't control who we feel attracted to - it just happens. IF your bf happens to have something going on with someone else, the best thing to do is try to understand it. Put yourself in his shoes. It doesn't mean that what he might be doing is right, but if you try to understand the situation it will make it less catastrophic and disastrous. Perspective is always a good thing. Further, remind yourself that he is still with you. He's choosing to be with you and declare himself publicly to be in a relationship with you... that must count for something, right?

Regarding the text thing, I don't know if outright confronting him on it will do anything but make him defensive... so I would just observe his behavior (don't stalk him or invade his privacy or anything) and try to pay more attention to where he's going and how he's spending his time. If there are gaps in time in which he fails to mention what he's doing on a regular basis, perhaps something might be up. Also, if it is really bothering you, just openly and honestly tell him that the text thing is honestly bothering you and you are having a hard time believing him. Do it openly and nondefensively; just share your feelings with him. This will create a more open, safe environment for him to be more honest with you. Have a discussion, not an argument.

[yellowpiXi3]

wow. i TOTALLY KNOW how you feel every single part of it. no joke! i am sorry that your bf is doing that. that happened to me too. we ended up splitting up and he got with that chick. but i would question your bf's actions. is he more distant now than he was before? when's the last time you two were intimate. these things may be small but they play a big roll in the overall picture. little things do count.

sometimes knowing that you are having a panic attack helps. because even though your thoughts are intense that might just be the panic. knowing what your body and mind is going through helps. panic isn't easy to deal with. but sometimes telling yourself that your panicking might help you get out of it. and when you feel like a panic attack is coming try using some logic to help. wish you luck!

<3

[The_Average_Man]

Hi,
I am your average man and perhaps I can figure out what's going on in certain situations. But always remember that us men are just human beings too and are very complex when trying to figure out our behavior. I will tell you though that with emotional issues, there is nothing better than a good friend.
I will help you out as much as I can because I have issues of my own and have a heart for people that are hurting.You can always post topics to me about any subject at all and I will give you a man's perspective.Sometimes when guys act a certain way, it may seem complicated to figure out but sometimes it maybe an easy thing to figure out.
I am a moderator in a men's forum where we talk about very sensitive subjects. We have a woman moderator there that gives a girls perspective on our issues. Many times she makes me feel much much better because she is a girl. I hope I can be like that to you. This is why I joined your forum.
My name is Irwin.

Take care,
Irwin

[CHANDLERS WISH]

You need to not look at your parents as how you will live, be in this life.

They certainly had you, and they certainly showed you what "their life" was / is like but it is not YOUR life... You have that all to yourself to be whom you wish to be and what you want to make of it.

The point in seeing all that you saw is to take what parts you like and to ditch what parts you didn't like and mould yourself on the good not the bad.

You also know as all girls do that magazines are airbrushed that these girls really don't look as good as they are painted and that we are all human.

Go buy some nice lipstick and put it on, do your hair, and then look in the mirror and see what you see.

As for your boyfriend, well not all "people" are faithful and can be so in a relationship, if you feel that he is not, then leave, because you need someone who loves you un-conditionally and doesn't make you feel this way...

On the other side of the coin, flirting is harmless and you need to establish the difference of flirting to cheating so that you can be fine with harmless flirting or this will hurt you too.

The problems stem from your childhood and you do need to seek help there and heal, but in the meantime we are here, to talk to.

CW