joint custody issue

[robbin]

ok this is long but i need advice
my boyfriends ex gilrfriend had a son with him. when i met him, they had been split for 7 months. she was engaged 3 months after the split and their son was 1 and a half. they had just agreed that my guy would get his son every week for 2 days. shortly after she found out that he had a girlfriend, she filed custody papers for chidl support and an outline of agreed custody. he agreed to allow her to have the kid through out the week cuz she was breast feeding and such.
he lives in a house that he has been renting for 2 and a half years now. the boy is 2 and a half. i have lived with my guy for about 8 months. she had been living with her parents up untill about 5 months ago i would say, when she and the boy finally moved in with her fiance.
she has an unstable past. before she met my guy, she had attempted suicide via drug overdose, twice to my knowledge. and she had 2 abortions prior to my guy. they were broken up when she found out she was pregnant. my guy is not really for abortion, but he doesn't really feel it is in majority his decision to make. because she had had 2 abortions already she was afraid if she did it again she would not be able to have kids in the future.
my guy on the other hand, before her had only been in one other serious relationship. he has had a stable life style, maintained a home and lived on his own for i would say 6 years before he met her. (he was 29 when they met).


here is my problem. her fiance is a drill sargent for the army, and he brings it home with him. he has verbally attacked my guy and myself 3 times and she has verbally attacted me once for being too affectionate with her child. my guy has just started calling his son during the week. 2 nights ago, he called. while he was talking to his son, the fiance asked the child who he was talking to, and the boy said his father's name...not daddy. a little while later, the boy was riding his "motorcycle' (a pillow) and making the sound over the phone for his dad. the fiance came over and took the motorcycle away. we could hear it over the phone. there was no conversation between the fiance and the 2 year old boy, he just took it away. the boy said "hey give it back". the fiance said "don't you dare talk to me like that!" and said" hey be quiet" the boy siad "no you be quiet" and then continued to talk to his dad. the boy frantically started to say goodbye to his dad and it sounded like the phone was taken away from him. he started screaming i want to say goodbye i want to say goobye. so he got back on the phone and frantically started saying goodbye again. then the mother got on the phone and we could hear the fiance say "ok now you are going in a time out!" and the mom said "oh looks like he's in trouble"
i don't consider that healthy discipline, and we are worried about how the boy is being raised at his mom's house. from what we see, the environment is not at all what his father and i would like the boy to live in. it seems like there is alot of violence, yelling and, cussing in that house.
but my main concern is that the boy has been increasingly calling his father by his name instead of calling him daddy. the boy is also becoming increasingly negative toward me. he screams at me and says "no bobby!" and hits me and spits at me. i warn him and put him in timeout. he is not always this way, but i think his mom and the fiance are encouraging the boy to not associate the father and i as a parenting team. im not so concerned about me, but about his relationgship with his dad. also i had been talking to the boy on a few occasions, (i have him talk to me alot to encourage growth in is language skills) and a few times he has been telling me something about daddy riding a dirtbike or something, and i say daddy doesnt ride a dirt bike, and he says no (fiance's name) dad not (fathers name) dad mommy's dad (referring to the fiance)
my fear is that they are having the boy call the fiance, dad and encouraging the boy to call his dad by his first name. i can imagine her saying ok it's time to go see (dad's name) instead of ok its time to go see daddy.
the boy also likes to talk about how dad bobby mommy and fiance can go ride quads together, and i always say yeah all of us. but i can see his mom saying no, not (fathers name) and bobby only mommy and (fiance) daddy. and saying something like bobby is not part of the family, when i ehcourage him that all 5 of us are a family including his grandparents on both sides.
what can we do about this? we want to switch the situatuion so that the mom has the boy weekend s and we have him full time, because he is no longer breast feeding, and we believe we have a healthier and more stable home and lifestyle. but at the least we would like to boy to undoubtidly know that the dad is his dad and the fiance is not, and that bobby (me) is not a bad guy.

we are terrified that she is trying to get full custody of the boy cuz she and the fiance repeatedly call the father a weekend and disneyland father. they say he is a child and is irresponsible and doesn't care for his child enough and that he just obvioulsy doesnt care about the buy. but he is doing everything the courts allow him to do in cluding, providing child support ($465 a month), heathcare, vision and dental,calling the boy, picking him up on time, administering meds when needed, disciplining, potty training (he only uses the potty at our house and not his moms), physical, cognitive, emotional, and language activities, providing a healthy diet and a good amount of exercise. and paying for half of the daycare costs.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Torn families with children sucks when they all can't get along together.

Your man needs to ask for mediation between him and his ex-girlfriend, you and the ex's fiance to try to sort this out..

I can't see her giving up her child, to your man, or a Court, mostly unless there is evidence of abuse, the Mother wins, in my opinion.. And, it seems that the fiance actually likes being a dad, or else he wouldn't be asking the child to call him Daddy now. That may not be the way you guys want it but he sees a future, marrying the lady and she has a son and so he becomes, his son.

It is wrong to not allow the child to acknowledge he has "two daddys" and a Mummy and Daddy's girlfriend but that's the way it is and only through discussion calmly can this be resolved but, it doesn't sound like that can be.

The child seems though to have "attitude" and maybe it wasn't because he was talking of the phone, maybe it was a misunderstanding that being that they are trying to ween him off the pillow? Maybe not, unless your there or ask why, we can assume anything even if you are correct with your interpretation.


I can only see this as getting worse unless you can all work together for the sake of the child instead of who is right or wrong in up-bringing and who is right and wrong with positions, titles....

Perhaps your man needs to use the above saying and see where it gets him.

CW

[robbin]

this woman has been engaged twice before this guy. and the fiance is not his daddy! and the pillow is a toy there is no need to ween him off of it. i believe the fiance can be his step dad... not his dad. the ex verbally attacked me because she felt like i was taking over the mommy role. later on i wrote her a very polite letter explianing that the father and i have no intention of me ever being this boy's mommy, step mom yes, the buy gets confused sometimes and goes mommy momm... bobby when he is talking to me. he knows im not his mommy and i don't respond when he calls me mommy cuz he KNOWS i am bobby. i don't let him call me mom or mommy. i think the mom and fiance should respect the boys father just as we respect them in all aspects concerning the boy and they should make sure the boy knows that the fiance is NOT his dad.
as far as the boys attitude, the only aggression or attitude he could get is from his mom and the faince. the father and i are very easy going and he knows when he's with us we don't put up with his , but we are not mean about it.

i don't understand why the mother always wins? so she carried him in her womb... she has no income (according to her), she has attempted suicide more than once, and admits that if she could have, at the time she would have had an abortion, she has an unstable lifestyle, and is only now beginning to show signs that she may have a stable house for the boy to live in. but who knows for how long?

when she was with my guy, she would leave with the baby while he was at work, and would not tell him she left or where she went.

i have grown very foond of this boy and knowing what kind of she pulls, and knowing what the mother's house is like (her relationship with the fiance) and the tone, it makes me want to vomit knowing that he lives in this kind of environment, and there's nothing we can do about it.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Well as I said, if you can prove that she left the child alone, that she tried to commit suicide that she has no security, employment, had abortions, doesn't love this child there is always a big chance your man can gain custody.. I am simply saying, it soooo hard to prove these things and "unfortunately" the Mother usually wins.. I'm not saying it's right, it's just the way it mostly goes.

I was also trying to put other pictures in your head to see if any of it is feasible but obviously, not, it therefore sounds more of a "controlling" issue on this fiance's behalf, he has the control, pillow/phone/name for him/what the boy can / can't do and she seems "jealous" which is silly but again possible control on her behalf, listening to him, and agreeing and therefore she feels she can make the rules as well.

I wish there was a simple solution for you truly I do.. But only if everyone gets along and can agree will there ever be one.

If you believe this little boy needs better up-bringing and you both love and want him then again, all I can say is "fight for it", dig the evidence and fight but the problem there is, if you lose, then it will only be worse where access is involved and the boy will probably cop more, just to get back at you two, like not being able to speak at all to your boyfriend.

Maybe seek family court advice over the whole issue and talk to someone to see just how far you can go and the pros and cons and way it up.

I can imagine how you feel and it's endearing that you take on the love that you have but it also cuts like a knife and hurts what you see and hear but also knowing how hurt your other half is over it all.

I don't envy you, seek advice.

CW

[robbin]

no she does love the boy very much... but as i said we are concerned. it seems to me like the fiance is very controlling. a drill sargent at heart. he told my guy that there was "a realy man in (the mothers) life now" but maybe i will go talk to a family lawyer. the father has been playing it her way cuz he is so afraid that he will lose his son for good. he feels like he has no rights... i am helping him to exercise what rights he has that are written in the court papers, but he won't fight it unless he know he will win

[Lakerat]

Robbin this is a very touchy placeto be.While it does sound like the step father is pretty strict and somewhat controlling.....it doesnt sound abusive (to me).
As for not calling his father....dad ....I think sometimes people get in relationships (after divorce) and want ...the perfect family....or so they think and try to put someone else in the outher parents place ...Perfect family..in their eyes.....white picket fence.......The child is young and he is still adjusting to two dads and two moms and as he gets older he will understand better....As hard as it is for you and your man....its ten times harder on the child....
what they see and learn when young affects them for the rest of their lives...
And children understand alot more than ya think earlier than ya think....in time he will understand the diffrence in dad/stepdad....mom/stepmom....
Many times when 1 parent talks bad about the outher it can make things harder for a while......but when the child gets older it can come back and bite them in the azz....Ive seen this several times.....
Sounds like you and your man are doing the right thing....get the child every chance you can..show him love...affection and discipline....

Ex's are like teenagers ......pick your battle....dont start a fight ya cant win.

Good luck....ive been there.....and it usually gets better....

Generally as time goes by both parties can come to somewhat of an understanding of each outher...and it gets easier.....but it does take time.

[robbin]

thanks lakerat. and i think you are spot on about the perfect family thing. i think that's what the ex is going for.

[WildChild]

Your bf needs to talk with a good attorney. The child is being set up for emotional devistation. As a single parent you DO NOT get other people intimately involved in your child's life unless you are committing to a legal and emotional LTR. You aren't married to the child's father and the mother isn't married to her bf - neither you or the bf has any legal voice in the child's life. Period.

Legally neither of you has any standing. Neither of you has any more right to discipline the child than any child care provider. The mother's bf is NOT the child's step parent, they aren't married. It sounds like you are taking a more rational and healthy approach but the boy's father needs to get some balls and start acting more like a concerned parent. He (not you, Him) needs to talk to an attorney and get this straightened out. It might be a good idea for both parents to attend a parenting through divorce class.

It's good of you to be concerned but his father has to step up and do what is best for his child.

[robbin]

you are right. he does need to grow some balls. i get so confused by him. he says that he wants his son more but doesnt think he can afford it. but he is paying way more than he would if he had his son for half the week. the boy is 2 he's not in school yet (just daycare) he could have him for half the week or even every other week! i don't even have a job right now, so at this point we wouldn't even have to put him in day care! my mom says he needs to fight to do that. i don't know how to convince him that it would be best for everyone. and also remind him that this is what he keeps telling me he wants. i should start documenting everything he says to me about this topic, or just carry around a tape recorder and play it back to him!

[CHANDLERS WISH]

I think you need more of a plan than documenting.

You need to understand the "confusion"...

He wants the boy, but can't afford it.

He needs to see and find a way how he can.

You are in such a pickle, you must be stressed to the hilt... Work, phone bills, car payments problems we all go through that, it's not easy and especially in today's climate of jobs...

Both work to a plan to make it happen...

At the moment it's all "wants" but "can't do"...

You need to sit down and say ok, we can't now but how do we make things happen.

I am not talking about taking over custody rather how to be in a more winning position and one of being able to see his son more.

When the chips are down so is the person, you and him and you are fighting for him whilst your own chips are down.

Work on a plan of action and then work to achieve it.

Nothing in this world is impossible if you believe and then aim and then do and then it all fits better into place.

CW