I don't want to lose my baby

[Purple&Black]

Well you'll get a basic history of my problem if you read my other thread (Sex when I didn't want it... and now a baby)

Basically... today I only just found out I'm being taken to court in about 5 days. It's the weekend the day after tomorrow and I haven't got a solicitor.
Of course, my ex boyfriend (the person taking me to court) has accused me of things which aren't true - for example, he's accusing me of not telling him before-hand that I was planning to move (even though we suspect he got me pregnant to prevent me from going)
He's also saying that he's worried about my daughter financially and about her healthcare in this country (which is nonsense because this country has a reciprical aggrement with the UK - so it has the same healthcare, I don't know the full details but I'm pretty sure I'm entitled to NHS health care)

He's also made out that it's unreasonable that he only sees his daughter every Sunday... and he claims it's only for a few hours (which is again untrue, he comes after his dinner which is at mid day on Sunday, and stays for as long as he wants)
I chose Sunday because of his early dinner, and because he said he would get a full-time job in January. I also said we needed an agreed time because he just came to my house on a random day and I once wasn't expecting him and was out with a friend. My dad told him I was out and didn't know when I would be back so he just waited outside my door...

He says he fears I will just 'up-and-leave' without telling him. He's making out I'm being 'secretive' about the moving - I'm not being secretive, I actually don't know when I'm moving and I have told him this. He should also know this because he was going to be going with me at one point.


I'm worried I wont be able to get any legal advice or help - being Thursday (I can't sleep it's 10 past 5 am... I am so tired)
I hardly think I'll be able to find my own solicitor - and the whole situation makes me feel sick, because he's been asking me questions like 'what's been her worst injury?' and stuff - I got a copy of the form he filled in which had a question asking if he thought she was in danger of domestic violence!

In his care, she has fallen off the bed (I told him to make sure she doesn't because she doesn't just lie there anymore, she's quite mobile) he ignored me, and another time he let her fall when she was sitting on the floor, and she head-butted a char and then the floor. When I went to put a cold towell on her head (to prevent swelling. I hear babies as young as her could get brain damage from just a small swelling) he said 'no she's fine she was hitting her head with toys earlier'.


I don't understand why he would do this - he gave me permission to leave the country with her, and this isn't even in the best interest of her, it's to get back at me - he said he wanted to tear my life apart, but he 'stupidly' stopped himself.


I don't know what I'm asking of everyone... maybe just a little advice on how to handle this - how to stay calm and stuff.
I'm so scared of losing my daughter - he lives with a very agressive family - his dad kicked his mum in the stomach when he found out she was pregnant, he used to beat up his 6 year old children and he throws stuff at the mum... my ex's sister is also agressive and almost dropped my daughter so many times.


I'm so scared, I don't want my daughter going there but I can't stop it happening if that's what the court decides!

How likely is it that I get to keep her? What can I do to help me?
My mum suspected he'd do this... he kept telling me that I had to be reasonable even when I didn't want to see him (I think he almost kidnapped my daughter, and later found out he wrote the thing about stupidly stopping himself)

I'm sorry I rambled on a bit... my sisters don't seem to understand how serious this is and it's kinda hard NOT to talk about this... I dunno, it's making me feel worse that they don't seem to be panicing I guess.

[Beautiful Disaster]

First, I don't know how old you are but I can assume you're quite young. Not sure how it is where you live, but in the U.S., the courts are required to appoint you counsel if you cannot appoint your own. One way to find that out, don't be afraid to pick up the phone. Also, in the U.S., mothers have a huge advantage over fathers in custody. Most consider it in the best interest of a child, to have their mother. As long as you are living a clean life, and can prove that you are capable and willing to provide the best life possible for this little girl, you have no worry of losing her.

You have been through a lot in the past year or so of your life. It is NOT uncommon for a women before she comes in to her own, to be easily manipulated as she truly doesn't know herself. Don't beat yourself up for your mistakes, because mistakes are what make us LEARN and change. From what I can tell, you are a very natural mother. You'd do anything to keep her safe as it is your job. Right? You are her protector, like a mother lion protecting her young. The mother lion will stop ANY predator posing potential harm to her young. And so will you...right? Point being, you CANNOT sit there like a hamster on a wheel and allow yourself to be physically sick from this. If you do, you will weaken your ability to protect. Instead, step up, flex your muscles and dare anyone to try and take your child away. Simply, don't let them. With confidence in yourself, in your mothering abilities, and your love for your baby girl, you can safely say you WILL NOT allow that to happen.

In the words of Jewel "Not to worry cause worry is wasteful and useless in times like these.....I won't be made useless, won't be idle with despair." When you spend your time wrecked with worry, you WASTE a tremendous amount of effort, effort that could be spent on productive measures ensuring the happiness and well being of your child. If you're not happy and healthy, neither is she. Plain and simple. Don't be idle with despair.....get up...stand tall, and KEEP your child.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Wow...

I can't add to that, I think Beautiful Disaster, said, it, beautifully......

CW

[Joy]

The truth comes out eventually so even if this man/boy is being untruthful about you or your behavior it will all come out. I think if you hold your head up high show your love, devotion, and ability to be a good mom the courts will see that.

To stay cool and clam try meditating to releive stress... when in court and you are being accussed of lies and BS remember you will get a chance to defend that and just because some one says its so doesn't make it so.

If you can show that this man is not crediable, reliable, and doesn't have the ability to support this baby (I think you said he didn't have job) You have been there everyday for your daughter taking care of her you are reliable and able to care for her. You have already proven yourself worthy to be her mom.... so be confident in that.

good luck

[Purple&Black]

Thanks, these have been helpful. I think he wont be able to take her, especially because I have emails and msn conversations to use as evidence against him. I don't think he realised that I still had them.
I have to go to court in July or something, and before then, something called 'CAFCASS' is going to be doing a report... which I'm nervous about but I don't see why they would think I'm not a good mum or anything.
I'm deffinately a better parent than my ex. I've also come to realise that he's possibly passive aggressive (if you look on wiki, he matches pretty much all of the symptoms)

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Passive aggresive, purple and black, curious is there a reason for your site name?

It makes a big difference to courts if he has ever hit you.

CW

[Purple&Black]

he hasn't hit me, but I was scared that he would start hitting me. He did force me to have sex with him a few weeks afer giving birth - even thoguh I had so many stitches and was in so much pain but when I said to him 'I think it will hurt' he would keep moaning about how HE was in pain from not having sex.

I felt like a dirty old sex toy. I think having a baby gave me the strength I needed to break up with him.
I do think that if I didn't break up with him, he would start to hit me.
He is just like his dad - his parents had their first baby when they were 18, olny a year older than me. They were the irst to try to push us into a relationship and his mum kept making me feel I was her only chance to have grandchildren - no doubt she was encouraging her son.
His dad is also passive aggressive with his behaviour, and he started hitting his children and wife when his children were as young as 6 (probably younger, but my ex doesn't remember that far)

When his mum threatened to leave his dad, he threatened to burn her house down with ehr and the children in it.

So I do think my ex has it in him - my dad had to ome with me the last time I saw him because he was worried about me.
I have to see him every weekend which I never look forward to... I just want to move on with my life and forget about him


He never hit me, but he started hitting walls and shouting at my daughter - so again, I DEFFINATELY think he has it in him. It just needed time - maybe he was waiting for me to marry him? (he was obssessed with marriage since about 2 months after we started going out with each other)


Oh, and he's also started saying I'll never find anoyone because I'm not a ice person - making out that I was lucky to have him. My mum said he seems to think 'if I can't have her - no one can'

[Purple&Black]

oh - and he called me his dead wife whgen I broke up with him

[CHANDLERS WISH]

He never hit me, but he started hitting walls and shouting at my daughter - so again, I DEFFINATELY think he has it in him. It just needed time - maybe he was waiting for me to marry him? (he was obssessed with marriage since about 2 months after we started going out with each other)

Oh, and he's also started saying I'll never find anoyone because I'm not a ice person - making out that I was lucky to have him.

oh - and he called me his dead wife whgen I broke up with him

I was concerned when I read your thread and then saw "purple and black", I am glad that he hasn't but you know "woman's intuition", we are usually right.

Do you have a lawyer?

It is important to tell all that you have especially what I have highlighted and also the abuse as a child that he claims not to recall, being hit by his Dad.

I also want you to know that my ex-husband said the same thing... " You better think carefully, nobody else will have you", emotional abuse.

I took no notice but it made me google, and establish, abuse.. verbal and emotional abuse, amongst other things he did/said....

It's sad that people have problems, and hold so dearly to abuse in order to get them to stay but strong ones, don't it's the weak they pray and win and that hurts me to see...

You do need to understand all of this and report this when the cases begin....

He can't deny abuse as a child, or things he stated, and if he does? A Judge will doubt...

Be strong and we're here for you...

CW