Am I wrong?

[YOUNGWIFE]

My husband and I have been together for over 10 years and married 6. We have never broken up or separated. We have 1 toddler and I am currently pregnant. We only have one problem in our marriage and that is that my husband wants to go clubbing once a week with his friends. Since I am very pregnant he is does not like to take me with him. When I am not pregnant we go together but occasionally he would say only the guys are going. The past couple months have been hard. A few months ago he told me I just need 2 nights a month to go out from 10pm to 4am. I said that would be fine. Then we would be spending time alone on a Saturday and he would either sleep or not talk to me. I then found out it was cause he didn't want to be home he wanted to be at the clubs or with his friends. I started keeping track of all the nights he was going out. Normally everytime he wants to go out we get into a huge fight and he says I ruin his night. So I started keeping track of whether or not we argued or not. So 3 weeks ago I tell him hey go out whenever you want it will bother me but you go. Your grown you work and you say you need that time alone. He was so happy. Then this weekend came and it was our 6 year anniversary and he was going out with his single friends again. I packed up my suitcase and my son and I were going to stay with my family. We argued all day friday and came to a conclusion that we would celebrate friday night and he would go out saturday. everything was great until last night we got into another argument he realized he was wrong he apologized and he ended up getting to the club at 11:15. My issue is he calls and acts sad and depressed while he is out saying how he wishes I was there and that he misses me. He knows i'm terrified of being home alone and he strolls in at 6:50 in the morning. So I start another agruement and for the 1st time in our marriage he came home and went to sleep in another room. I dont see why a married man needs to be out so late. I am very hurt with him and have been crying for weeks and he says he needs this time. As of yesterday he said on saturday nights we have to do something together or he has to go to the clubs but no matter what he is going clubbing alone once or twice a month. He is 29 I am 28. Am I wrong?

[sourpuss]

I wouldn't say that you're wrong. But I wouldn't say the he is either. Sounds like he needs to grow up. It's one thing going out all the time when you're married, it's another when you're a father.

I take it that you are a stay at home mom and he works? He probably is pretty stressed and probably does want to see his friends. Can you work out a compromise? Once a week and home by 2am? What's he doing out til 6 am? Nothing is even open at that hour. Isn't your toddler getting up at that time? Is he just sleeping through the weekend morning that he should be spending time with his kid?

[YOUNGWIFE]

We live in vegas and the clubs close at 4:30 then so drunk they go sit somewhere and eat or walk around until someone is sober enough to drive. then the driver drops everyone off. Him and all his friends are doctors so they are extra careful on the whole drinking and driving things since they could lose their license. My son sleeps in my bed with me when my husband goes out so I don't have to keep getting up thru out the night. And Yes my husband walked in at 10 mins to 7:00 which means he will be missing my sons soccer this morning. I wont even ask him to come cause he will just keep quiet all day. We come to a compromise before twice a month from 10-4 but his loser friends call and say they want to pick him up at 9 and then they never get home until 5 or 6. The other issue is that I'm completely embarrassed because his friends and him think I'm a crazy and psycho cause I am ticked that he comes home at 7 or that he even goes out. Him and his friends think that since he works, supports me and he is with me all the time he should be able to do whatever he wants. I am just so hurt why call and say your not having fun without me and then you turn around and come home at 7. I have even offered to put the baby in the car to go pick him up when he is done, he could take a cab but he doesn't.

[YOUNGWIFE]

I just tried went to speak with my husband to ask "Why do you come home so late? Where have you been? If the clubs close at 4:30 or 5 why do you come home so late? Why can't you text me and tell me "we are a little buzzed going to sober up then come"?" He just shook his head yes. I started crying once again because I am so hurt with him and he didn't even look at me. I told him "Everyone thinks your wrong except for you and your two single friends" He didn't care. I can't get up and leave we never let our family know of out problems cause it would just get worse. So I just stay and cry. It hurts to know your husband doesn't enjoy being with you. His excuse is that I'm asleep anyway why do I care that he goes out at night. I just never thought my husband would enjoy being out as much as he does. This is issue has taken a major toll on our marriage and he won't change. He insists that I need to accept this and I just can't

[WildChild]

A guy's night out is one thing, strolling in at 6 or 7 am is something else altogether. Going out clubbing is different than from going out for a drink. He's married, approaching 30, has a child and another on the way. Time to grow up. What is it you think he's doing in clubs? Its too noisy to actually be talking with his buddies.

If this is ok with you then you should get equal time out with the girls. Pregnant or not. Let him stay home with the little one and you get out. He doesn't have to know anymore about where you are going than you know about where he is going. Even if you just hang out at a freinds house, watch a movie and got to sleep (no telling what you did). Dress to the 9s, walk out the door looking great and come home at 6:15am. See how much he likes this plan when it works in reverse. Then you can talk about what it is he has been doing.

Him wanting his night out even though it's your anniversary isn't caring or acceptable. Take it from an older woman who tollerated forgotten anniversaries and bdays and every other kind of holliday - you don't want this to become a habit. Sounds like it's all about him having his fun. When you are married your life changes, you still have freinds and get out and do things with them but clubs are primarily for flirting and hooking up ---that sort of stuff should fade away from your life. You know what you can tollerate, it's your relationship but it sounds like he needs some ground rules and you need equal treatment.

[YOUNGWIFE]

I don't believe he is actually hooking up or exchanging numbers with other girls. Some people think I'm crazy but I do trust him. Sometimes when he goes out some of my girlfriends would be there and he would never want his friends think of him as a cheater. I don't have many friends here and the few I have I don't tell them our problems so it's hard to get away. Plus since I am a stay at home mom I have a hard time leaving my son behind because he is so close to me he crys if he wakes up and i'm not there. I would rather suffer than let my son suffer cause my husband is selfish. My best friend just moved to denver so her and I just talk all the time about our problems. Because no one around us including our family could know when we are arguing I decided to try to get support and advise online. I wish he would grow up. I just don't understand why he has to drink so much he can't drive or why he has to close the clubs down. Because we have a baby and one on the way and none of our friends have kids all of our friends hang out at our house thru out the week so he is always entertained. But I guess them being here and me giving him attention is not good enough. He just keeps saying he has to get out of the house.

[sourpuss]

If you aren't willing to confide in your family....it's like you are hiding it and protecting him. Maybe he needs to have some people mad at him. At first you made it sound like he just goes out a lot with his friends and then you posted three more times and each time you reveled more about what he's doing. How about opening up to your mom about how unhappy you are?

Does he help out at all in the home, other than working and bringing home money? Does he play with your kid? Does he eat dinner with the two of you?

It sounds like you both need to grow up a bit. You are almost 30 with a kid and another on the way and you are with a boy who treats you like the two of you are still in college or something. Take a stand for yourself and for your kids. You need a man and a father. If he can't find a way to balance being a father, a husband and a have some fun with his friends on occasion then he needs a serious wake up call. He's not 19 anymore.

[Hopeless Dork]

Young Wife, sorry you are going through this. I know it must be painful, especially now - pregnant. Surely while you are in this state he can find it in his heart to catch a cab home after the clubs at least til you are out of this more fragile state of mind. Its not good for you to be stressed out like this, he should understand that... you are understanding his need to go to the clubs til 4:30 am several times a month.. he should be able to compromise and come home before the sun comes up.

Its good that you trust him because there is no point to not trusting him, it will only serve to upset you since he is not willing to change. What he really needs is to grow up, to me it sounds like he is clinging to his youth through hanging out with single guys and going to clubs. Maybe now that he is a doctor, has a wife, a child and one on the way he is starting to feel all the pressures of being a grown up (boo hoo, poor him, etc.) and is acting this way as a last ditch effort to be free if only for a night here or there.

While each person in a marriage is entitled to alone time, time develop hobbies and interests away from one another, this particular one (all night boosing it up with a bunch of unnatched guys in club enviorments) is not necessarily the healthiest for a marriage.

You are right to trust him, its good for both you and him but you are right to ask for a compromise, its only fair. Not many wives would tolerate this and would be out the door he should be thanking his lucky stars he has such a relaxed wife and try to cater to the small things you ask, like not leaving you alone all night while you are pregnant.

One day he will look around and realize he has no business there, that he is the 'old guy at the club' and that its sad. He will realize that spending time at home with you and his little ones is much more fun than hooting and hollaring with his buddies at a bunch of drunk college girls that are laughing at them behind their backs, etc.

What he and you both need are some friends that are couples, so that you guys can go out together and enjoy the fun of being out with the ones you love. Doing couple hobbies and dinners, and when he goes out alone with other married men, he will be more likely to come home on time as his peers would be under the same obligation, right now his peers have no ties and probably egg him on to stay out or accuse him of being henpecked.

Try not to let it bother you, you've tried crying, you've tried asking and that has yet to make him care to stop and there is no sense getting yourself worked up over it since when he is out you have no other choice but to trust him or drive yourself crazy - and the latter won't change a thing.

So how about trying the opposite for a while, don't harass him when he goes out. Expect less from him for a while, get help from other friends for things HE should be doing... asking a girlfriend or family member to stay over with you on the nights he goes so that you don't have to be at home alone and afraid. What kind of man can feel good about himself coming home to someone else looking after his wife while he was out partying. Reality should set in eventually.

[YOUNGWIFE]

Thanks for all your advice and support. In response to the last two post. My husband does spend time with us and helps with my son we have a normal relationship but the only problem we have is his clubbing. Thursdays the arguing usually starts. I use to party with him son in a way I felt jealous in the beginning especially when our couple friends are out to. Unfortunately the young college girls are not laughing at him. On Valentine's Day we got a table and 3 times in front of me he was hit on. I don't want it to sound like I'm dating the most handsome guy in the world but he looks good and always gets hit on but always rejects the girl. His friends are older so I'm sure they are getting laughed at. I can't talk to my mom because my family will make the situation worse than it is. My entire family lives in california. His immediate family lives 3 minutes from us but I can't stand being around them. They know about our problems and him going out his parents do not approve and have told him, he just thinks they are old fashion and this is how he wants to live his life. I have also tried the opposite for 1 month I acted happy for him going out and I wouldn't text him, I would let him text me. It didn't work he wanted more time out so i just got hurt even more. About him feeling bad that someone is home with his wife and kids while he is clubbing unfortunately that would just make him feel better. He wants me to have a friend or his family come here but I can't ask someone to come babysit me. I have learned to tough that part out. I guess I am a point that I just need to act like this is not happing and let him keep going out. He is not going to change and I am not going to leave. It's so sad to have such a perfect marriage and be together so long but because my husband wants to go clubbing once a week or a couple times a month it is actually ruining such a great marriage. I just can't get myself to be okay with the fact that my husband wants to go to a club without me. The guys he is with are always at my house we are all so close but they all keep going out and it's really hard for me to accept it. I think today is the first time in more than 10 years I have not spoken with my husband and it's been the 1st time in 10 years we haven't slept in the same bed all because he thinks I'm crazy because I don't want him to go out. But then if he stays home with me he gets depressed. Maybe this perfect marriage is not all that perfect after all

[Hopeless Dork]

The laughing at part, I just meant that hes not going to find some quality interesting person in a club at 3 am. He's not. He's going to find babbling drunk girls that are clamoring for attention that is all. What I mean is he is going to realize that there is nothing for him there. Getting drunk, he could do it at home, hanging with his buddies, he could do that at home, he doesn't need to do it til 7 in the morning once a week with a bunch of random strangers. Most people outgrow this BEFORE they decide to get married and hit the clubs maybe once or twice in a year (IF THAT).. not on a weekly basis.

He is living like a single man, he is having his cake and making everyone around him nauseated with how much of it he's eating. He should be past the point of needing his ego stroked by little girls thinking hes "cute". His friends are SINGLE.. that is why they go out like they do, he wants to be like them, of course he can't find married men to hit the clubs with til 7 am because they just don't really exist for long before becoming single friends again.

You are right its NOT worth ruining your marriage over, you are happy besides this one act, he is happy with you because he gets to do this one act and right now it seems this one act is holding things together. I say that because you say he's depressed if he doesn't go, but you are depressed that he does go. A compromise should be made somewhere, I would definitely start at drawing the line when the clubs close or shortly after. He can take a cab home. He can do that much for you since you can be scared at home, he can eat breakfast at home, seems only fair.