Overwhelming family.

[julia738]

I just joined the forum because I feel terrible about the whole situation my husband and I are in at the moment. I've got no one else to talk to.

My husband is very close to his brothers and sisters and now that we all live in the same city, I can’t keep them out of my house! They show up unexpected at any time of the day, any day of the week, late at night when I'm in my pyjamas and about to go to bed, on the night of our wedding anniversary... they literally invade the house and help themselves into the fridge, bath their kids and “borrow” your stuff (and by borrow I mean you’re lucky if you see that item ever again in your lifetime…) “Privacy” is not part of their vocabulary and they don’t even respect your private life when you’re in bed sleeping.

We’ve been married for 3 years and my husband and I are finally able to afford our own place. For me, it’s the most beautiful thing ever, I couldn’t wait to get rid of all our flatmates, to leave the “student’s share house” behind and start a proper married life with the man I love. I was just craving that intimacy, which is even more important now that we’re thinking of starting a family soon and we’re aware that there won’t be much private moments or sleep-ins during the next whatever years to come…

Only 4 weeks after moving into our new “us only” house, my husband’s sister moved in with us. I didn’t mind it because it was only for 3 weeks but when my husband asked me if she could stay for 6 months, I exploded. No matter how many times I told him I want to have my own PRIVACY, he doesn’t understand it. If it wasn’t for the partners, I’m sure all the brothers and sisters would all live under one same big roof.

I can’t help but feel horrible and mean because they are actually lovely people, very generous, harmless and very helpful. But I come from a background where intimacy is something highly respected. As much as I appreciate their company once in a while, I just can’t deal with these people hanging around at my place for no specific reasons all the time. My husband is not doing anything about this because he loves having his family around and he wouldn't know how to approach the subject and explain them how I feel. No matter what I say, the family is always right. I even sometimes feel like he ignores me and prefer the company of his sibblings than mine. He thinks I should just relax and stop worrying about this and be more positive. I wish it was that simple but my heart sinks every time I hear a car driving pass our house. I can’t control my feelings no matter how hard I try, and having to be the “mean one” make me feel horrible. I’ve just been through a depression and I need to feel better about myself, now I just feel like a disgusting monster for asking my husband to put the breaks on his overwhelming family.

Am I overreacting?

[Debra]

I'm so sorry that you're feeling so bad right now. First and foremost, don't feel bad about sharing your true feelings with your husband. You've formed an intimate bond with the man you'll be with for the rest of your life (or so I definately hope) and he should respect those feelings 100%.

It sounds like the both of you grew up in complete opposite childhood lifestyles. His family is comfortable with not having privacy while you and your family shared the same privacy standards.

The first thing I would do is establish a conversation with your husband. You need to specify why you feel the need for privacy and why it hurts you when his family 'barges' in unexpectadly, AND why he sides up with them on the issue. Do this in a collective manner. Don't be argumentative and don't be too harsh with your word choices. You will have to explain everything in explicit detail. Remember, you are dealing with someone who grew up without privacy boundaries. Something that may appear in 'black-and-white' to you, may appear more like 'gray' to him.

The second thing I would do during your conversation is specify an exact time that would be allowed for visits. Can you have company one week out of the month? One week every other month? Only for holidays? He is used to having his family around all the time and he needs to know that he will see them again. I know that sounds crazy to you, but people who are used to having family around need an exact time that they know they will see them again. I will be upfront in telling you that only allowing company over for holidays will be close to impossible for him and his family to abide by. Perhaps certain days or week(s) out of each month they could stop by would be a more realistic expectation.

Then, I would establish a conversation with the family. Have food and drinks out in order to make them feel comfortable being there. I know you stated that they pretty much already feel comfortable, but the accomodations are really to put them at ease about the future conversation that will take place.

Talk about how you love to have them over, but you need private time with your hubby. You are alone in your own house for the first time and you wouldn't want them coming in during a bad time, thus possibly embarassing you and themselves. Then state the time you and your hubby agreed upon. Have an open conversation and hear their proposals.

I'm not garunteeing smoothe sailing, but those are just possible suggestions.

I have a similar experience to share that has something to do with your situation. My parent-inlaws did the same exact thing. They kept coming over unannounced and it truly bothered both my hubby and I.

One day, we put our child down for a nap and decided for a nooner. It was great timing, the baby was down, and it was our perfect chance to make love. The parents decided to stop by and obviously knew what was going on, because they did not announce their arrival and we only heard the door shut when they left.

Later, they called hubby and mentioned how embarassed they were and all he said was 'It's my house, I have my own children now, and you should have called first.' From that point on they always pre-arranged their visits.

Good luck with talking it out with your husband. It must be hard for him to not share the same privacy view with you. I hope my advice helped.

[WildChild]

You could try becoming a nudist. They would either be put off or join you - in which case you'd have another problem, since then they would not only be a around all the time but naked to boot!

I had some of this with my first husband, his sister would make herself at home. She would break in if she couldn't just walk in. She'd get a bunch of bags and do her 'grocery shopping' from my cupboards. I got nowhere with it, he refused to do anything about it. Talking to your hubby or his family is about all you can do.

[Hopeless Dork]

Part of me thinks how fantastic it must be, coming from a small not so close family myself, to be embrased by a close caring family like this. Part of me thinks I would go nuts if I had to put a pair of pants on before walking out to the bathroom first thing in the morning because I wasn't sure of who I might find out there, each and every single day.

I think the way to approach the subject with both your husband and his family is to keep out all negetives in the way they are behaving. They don't see anything wrong with being so close - you are not going to convince them otherwise so to say "this is wierd, this is crazy... they don't respect our privacy" any of that sort of talk is going to put everyone on the defensive.

You say you are going to be working on starting a family that would be a good icebreaker to stating how you guys are going to start needing some "alone time". I'd avoid 'i'm putting my foot down right here on this ' type statements. The challange ahead that would make everyone happy is to try to make it seem like they are partaking in the decision to back off, and not being told to do so.

I think you should start out with some realistic expectations - you won't be able to go from having them over constantly to 'only at holidays' it sounds like you are going to have wean them off the every day stuff. Pick a day of the week that you have the most extra time, where having them over isn't a total inconvienence and make that day extra special.

Make them something to eat, talk be friendly get involved with their lives and make X night, the night they have your attention. The rest of the days don't go out of your way to make small talk, do behave busy and uninvolved, and when they mention anything explain that its a pretty stressful week for you, but don't worry you will play ping pong with them on X day, X day's are better for you.

I think that if you not only tolerate them, but embrace them on that one special day a week, and ask your husband to do the same they might notice hey its more fun coming over on X day, the rest of the time it feels like they don't want us here.

[julia738]

Thanks so much! It's so hard to get to a compromise where everyone find what they want but that's what we have to work on right now. They are such an "unusual" family though, I know for sure that neither the nudist trick or the "busted-while-having-sex" trick would work: they would love it, laugh, tell everyone about it and tease us until the day we die. I wish it was that easy, then I would quickly jump in bed with my husband the second I hear a car pulling up in our driveway! But they would probably sit on the sofa and drink a beer while waiting for us to finish... Or worst, take pictures...

Also they kind of expect us to show up at their place anytime, so they don't see no harm in doing so. I try and make sure my husband rings them before showing up there but I know he doesn't do so when I'm not with him. So how can I condemn them for doing to us something my husband also does to them?

It felt good just to talk about it though, and I appreciate your suggestions. I was starting to wonder if there was something wrong with me, as my husband suggests... But the more people I talk to, the more I realise my feelings are just normal.

[Debra]

Wow, your situation is worse than I originally thought! I sympathize with you. I don't know what I would do if the sex DIDN'T detour them away from our house!!

Cross your fingers and hope that your or your hubby's job makes you move??? I have no idea what advice to give you. I just sympathize and hope somehow the family will realize that barging in is NOT condusive to your newly marrried relationship!

When life gives you lemons, make lemonade? lol

[CHANDLERS WISH]

With extended family around, comes love...

But, "quality time" is also important..........

Your Husband has always lived this way, you haven't and so it's a hard adjustment to come to terms with.

As such, you feel frustrated, hurt, want to cry, it's understandable, but that's the marriage you entered into.

You have to stand your own ground and "ask" for your stuff back that has been borrowed that you want back, so that they know that they can borrow but must return.

You do need to speak with your husband and explain to him that you understand family and his love and theirs and the love that is radiated as "family" however, you also need "us" time... Tell him that you would like for the two of you to have a day together, be it that you go for a drive on a Sunday and then stop for dinner somewhere, then home alone, or a Saturday night dinner and then home alone.... Ask him to tell them... "We're having some us time Sunday, we won't be home, so that they know and therefore, don't show....

People are human, they understand, when told "us" time... and will let that day pass...

If you are clingy and want him to yourself every day or 6 days of the week, it's not going to happen because as i stated, he has always lived this way and it's his life...

You may also want to say to him that you prefer, that after 9pm ie) that you can walk around the house as you please and therefore, can he just purely advise his family that they are welcome anytime but after 9pm, you like to be you and if you want to walk around naked, so be it, .... Again, if they are nice people as you state, they will understand... Your not taking them out of the situation, simply asking for a tad of respect as well of "me" time...

As for 6 months living with you, that may get extended and i have no answer for that, other than this is the way your husband understands his life, you help your family and family is welcome, family is family... It may not be so bad if you do compromise and have a day to yourself every week, at least and so, you need to ask him to ask her maybe to stay somewhere on Sunday's or Saturday nights, so you can have "us" time... Or,go out and be with her friends, family and come home late and go to her room and watch TV, or read ...

People are human as I said, they do understand...

But, what's not said, people don't understand... as it's not said.

CW