Why does my mother hate me?

[Endure_7734]

My mother never loved me I know because ever since I was little she would tell me things like why didn't I die when I was born or why didn't I tell the Doctor to abort you when she had the chance and I was you know 5 listening to this I Loved my mom I did and like any kid I would do things for her to make her happy but nothing was ever good for her, she would beat me to the point that flinch when she would reach over me to grab something she would verbally abuse me every day she would scare me you know telling me things like the devil is going to kill you if you wake up in the dark from that I would become so sacred to get out of bed that I would end up peeing on myself and from that a late night beating it got so bad that one night I didn't even know that I peed my bed and I was awoken by the beating that my mother was giving me from then on I would sleep with my hands over my face I remember thinking that maybe she would be off without me that with out me she would finally be happy this was at age 6 and was already thinking about ending my life so as I sit on some railroad tracks I didn't have a childhood My father was a drunk and she took her anger out on me I was the middle child my older brother was the best she would buy him everything and my baby brother was gold in her eyes me I was nothing but a waste of space but I made a promise to myself that no matter what it took I would try to make her happy I would clean up the house sweep wash dishes take care of my baby brother do good in school just so she can be happy then at age 8 I was raped by 4 guys and the sad thing about that is that my brothers knew what had happened but they didnt do anything I didn't tell her because I know that if I did then she would never want to look at me again I wanted know what is was like to have a mother to hold you and tell you that she loves you I wanted to hold her hand and never let go I wanted her to kiss me on my forehead I wanted a mother and she denied me all of that and to this day it kills me because I don't know what a mother is.......growing up I contemplated suicide 9 times but every time I failed and why I don't know............now I'm 23 and I have a little girl of my own and she is the world to me but because I never knew what is was to have a mother I'm afraid that I will turn out like her I have so much sadness and build up rage in me I know there is allot of more people out there that have worse problems than but I don't know what to do.....Sometimes I just think that maybe I was wrong that maybe I would be better off dead.....but then I look into my little girls eyes shes so beautiful sorry but I like to think of my little girl as a gift from god as a way of saying I'm sorry for the life you had.....I'm going to do everything for her no matter what but the pain and memories make it hard for me but no matter what My mom did to me I wont do that to my little girl shes all I got in this world and shes all I need......I just want to know why did she hate me the most?

[sourpuss]

She hated herself the most. Not you.
I'm sorry. My ex had the same situation with his mom and his dad. It's awful. My dad was treated the same by his father and still is to this day and my dad is in his 60s!

You just need to find a place where you can feel sorry for her rather than blaming yourself. You didn't do anything wrong, she's in a bad place and very messed up.

Just love your daughter as much as you can and be thankful that you aren't like your mother and that you do have the ability to love someone and yourself and allow your daughter to love you.

Have you had any counseling? Sometimes it helps to just get it all out in the open.

[WildChild]

I wish I could give you a hug! Sourpuss is right that counseling is a good idea for several reasons; you need to be able talk about it, you to learn some positive coping skills for parenting since you didn't have a good example (no matter how much you love your child -they can drive you nuts sometimes) and you need help learning to love and nurture yourself.

Your mother had a huge problem but knowing that intellectually and knowing emotionally are two different things. Even though you know in your mind that she was/is a sick person it doesn't make the negative impact go away. Somehow you learned that it wasn't right or true. Somehow you have the desire to raise your daughter differently, so there was something right or good in your life. That alone makes you a special person. Hold on to that. Get some help, you need a caring support network. Many abused people grow up defending the abusive behavior and then repeat it, you are working to break the cycle. There is far too much of this negative behavior in the world. You will have to stay strong and focused and positive. Talking to us here is a good safety valve too.

[reilu]

im going to suggest some life changing and amazing books that i have read. perhaps you've heard of The Child Called "It" book series?? its a real life story of a man by the name of David Pelzar....his brother also wrote two books called a brothers journey and a teenagers journey....anyway i would read them because im sure you would be able to relate to them. its all about his childhood and his insanely abusive mother......

and while i understand that reading this can be rather unpleasant, im telling you about it because of what David got out of it.......he learned to forgive his mother, because that was the only way for him to heal.....im in no way saying that what your mother did was alright.......because it wasnt........i felt literally sick to my stomach reading what you wrote, because i have strong feelings towards child abuse and neglect......

anyway, i cant put it into as good of words as David Pelzar can, so i suggest reading it.....there are three books in his series, and he also wrote a self help book. now he goes around the country doing like seminars and speeches. he is one of the most amazing people in the world in my opinion, and maybe reading his words can help you.

and the fact that you are worried about doing the same to your daughter.......i dont think you have anything to worry about. the way you talk about her, its obvious she is your world. im happy that you have her. you are very lucky!

good luck dearest! im giving you a big hug right now!!

[Endure_7734]

I took counseling right after middle school thats when it became so hard to focus on school because I was breaking down in classes counseling wasn't good because in the Doctors eyes I was the problem I was so lost I didnt have a place to go to think I thanks you for your inspiration I just feel so weak but I will try to go on...

[Little]

You aren't the problem, but YOU, as the one in counseling, are the one who can be fixed. Your counselor can't reach through you to your mother to change her, but s/he can change your attitudes and behaviors. If s/he was really blaming you, then it was just a bad counselor. I started counseling recently for "mother issues" as I call them, and my counselor said it would get worse before it gets better. Maybe you should take some time to try again, especially since you're still carrying all this anger and hurt around. For me, it has felt so good to have someone "professional" validate my feelings about her, as she's very good at tricking people on the outside of her life into thinking she's an angel, not the monster I grew up with.
I hope you find your peace. It's hard living in a world where you're "supposed to forgive your mother" for everything and anything. Sometimes even if you can forgive, it doesn't mean she needs to be in your life. Good luck.

[mewhenim]

A child called it was heart wrenching.
All of my kindest thoughts go out to you, I hope you find the help you need and deserve.

[reilu]

[QUOTE]

A child called it was heart wrenching.

yes it was..........but the message of hope was even more powerful, but you need to read ALL the books in the series to really see that. i suggest these readings to anyone. they are life changing, but i think for you, Endure, they would mean something more.

[esrap]

Don't worry, there is a way to get them back. If you have the guts to do it, ofcourse. I feel very sorry for you man.. Your life sucks even more then mine does... Bad karma I think. One day man.. One day, she will regret everything sooooooo badd and then she will be knock knock knocking on your door and that's the moment YOU get to decide NOT to OPEN THE DOOR. Let her succumb in her own filthy soul, god will deal with her. She is beyond help man... Just get the out of that house and watch who's laughing in the end. Once you got your own place and a job and a marriage, she will be begging you to let her in your life, that's how mothers are. One day I will be a mother too, I hope, and then I will be a waaaaaaaaay better mother then my mother ever was. Just like you, my mother also has a favourite child, and guess who hates that very special child? ME. I wish she died man, I hate her soooooooo much, you have no idea man. I thought about it, she always yells at me and has been abusive in every possible way to me together with my father. I thought about it and said by myself: You're too much of a coward to commit suicide, so why don't you empty your whole room and put a lettre in the middle of your room that says: By the time you read this I will be in , and YOU did this to me. If it wasn't for YOU I would still be alive, .
But instead of killing myself I would go to a distant place in the jungle and live off berries and other they eat there.. I bet that would straighten her out, how about you? There are also numerous voodoo /black magic and other related things to take revenge, they sometimes work.. not all the time though. I got mad at someone once and did a voodoo spell on him, she got hit by a truck and lies in the hospital to this day :P You should try once, but only for your most special fiends

Don't worry, there are enough people that will make your life suck a LITTLE less.

P.S.: I think that you are depressed, because you're tired all the time and insomnia is one of the signs of depression. Remember: Depression is merely an expression of yourself to let you know that you are not free, that you are
limited by perhaps a person, or yourself. You can't experience that what you want to experience.. A person can be infinitely happy, that doesn't have anything to do with your environment. The way to do this is: to learn how to do this sit quiet in a corner and just close your eyes and choose to be happy, don't coose to mourn anymore.

May the angels be with you <33333333333

[WildChild]

There is a thing called karma. What you do comes back to you. Not necessarily in the form you put it out into the world but it comes back to you. The first rule of your life should always be Do No Harm.