I am a mistress in love

[tucorazoncita]

I am 21 years old and mistress to a man who is 16 years my senior. He has 3 kids with his wife and is also an illegal immigrant leaving in the U.S. I have been seeing him for 7 months. Long story short: I LOVE HIM and I have told him before and he always tells me: "my life is made, there is nothing I can do to change it. I can't love you but it's very close to love that I feel for you. You need to move on with your life, meet someone your age, your so beautiful you have so much life ahead of you bla bla bla." He also always tells me that if I am having sex with someone else I need to tell him because he is scared of passing anything on to his wife. Anyway. This guy is latino and I thought maybe I had a latino fetish or something so I made an online dating account and met someone from it, who is also latino. We have been exchanging texts... kind of inappropriate ones if you catch my drift. anyway. The reason I even started talking to this guy in the first place was because I am trying to get over the man I am a mistress to. I NEED to get over him and move on I know. anyway.... I saw him a few days ago and we were in his car talking. and he takes my phone from me and starts looking at it. I told him to give it back. he never has taken my phone like this before. he starts going through all my texts ... I cant get it back because he is a lot stronger than me and was holding me back and threatened me: if you dont let me see you are hiding something then and we wont see eachother for 3 months. so it was such a jerkish thing of him to do.... but I was like whatever look at my phone. obviously he saw all these texts to this guy. i knew he was going to flip. So I went through this whole speech about how I love him and this was my way of trying to get over him and meet new people (like he told me to do) and when I was done he just asked me if i was done speed off and drove me back to my apartment. I was bawling and he didnt even kiss me goodbye. or hug or no emotion whatsoever. he just through a birthday present he had gotten for me and told me to get out of his car, to not call him ever again and that it was over. well so the next day I call him and he actually picks up. I told him thanks for the nice gift and he actually talked to me. He was more mad at the fact that I lied to him and didnt tell him about this other guy and that "my story keeps changing" which I dont know what he meant by that. anyway. i told him to tell me if it was really over and he said he didnt know. and eventually he had to hang up on me cuz he had to go and I kept crying. I cant believe I wrote this much to say this.... but what is your take on this: did he take my phone to try and find an excuse to leave me? to switch the blame to me? he is gonna call me every again you think? It cant be over. I know its not healthy for me. but I love him and cherish every second that I can spend with him.

[Little]

Your story is, unfortunately, not unique. It's very common for people in foreign countries for extended amounts of time to have mistresses while staying "faithful" mentally to their wives.
But that doesn't mean he doesn't feel anything for you and isn't frustrated by you talking to someone else. He wants to have his cake and eat it too.
For a long story short, rent Gone with the Wind and pay close attention to the character Ashley. He's the epitome of the situation you're describing here.
Your situation is very hard and I sympathize with you, but you need to allow it to be over. If you take him away from his wife and children, there's a strong possibility they are going to starve. For him to take the risk of illegally entering the US, there must have been a dire situation at home. If you can handle having the well-being of 4 helpless strangers on your conscience, then keep trying to win him. However, letting him go will be the best for everyone involved, even if it hurts now.

[WildChild]

I'd say you had a narrow escape. Don't you see how hopeless this situation was? You set yourself up with at least a double negagtive; he's married with kids and he's illegal! Think about this...do you really want a man who can commit? Because with type of situation, he's married and so can't commit and he's illegal so even if he was single and wanted to commit you'd never know if he really loved you or just wanted a green card. Don't do this to yourself. you deserve better.

Thonk carefully about guy number 2. Are you really interested in him? Or is part of the attraction about replacing the first or proving (to yourself?) you can have a man from that culture? What is it about men of this background that attracts you? Why are you wanting someone unobtainable?

This man is playing double standard. It's OK for him, who is married, to be with you but not Ok for you to even chat with someone else? You need to move on, block his number, drop the other guy and give yourself time to get over this. I know it's not easy but this wasn't a healthy attachment and the second one is just an echo of the first. Get completely free of this before you even think of another relationship. It really will be for the best and if you are considering involvement with someone from another country, especially if they are here illegally, have a chat with the INS and learn what they see and what the process is like.

[Hopeless Dork]

Mistress, do yourself a favor and write down (even here if you like) all of the reasons that you love this man. Can be the little or big things.

What specific things about his character, the way he treats you - make you feel loved and cherished?

In your mind what would be best case scenerio, what is your biggest happiest fantasy of how this all turns out? For EVERYONE involved, including him, you and his wife and children?

From one outsiders perspective:

He's already shown he has little respect for rules. It is a good sign of his character however that he is a hard worker and wants to provide for his family even putting himself in danger to do so.

He's shown that he cannot remain faithful. That is a bad sign of his character that he would be willing to break his vows to wife that he DOES love, and will say he loves , and carried his children, and he is willing to do all these things to provide for them - yet still can hurt her (even without her knowing) in this way, shows a lack of a concsious and guilt. Very bad things to look for in a guy if you ask me.

He has told you that he does not love you. Believe him. He doesn't. You are convenient, you are making him feel sexually satisfied and giving him the affection he misses being away from the one he does "love." That hurts to hear, I am sure. But flights of fantasy thinking maybe does love you are not going to do you any good at this point. Be happy that he at least has the decency not to lie and tell you that he does love you.

You are going to have your heartbroken. He is not going to leave his wife. You can either wait for the day he tells you he will never see you again, or you can save yourself from that moment everything comes crushing down on you by moving on FIRST. Distancing yourself from him, and opening yourself up to new adventures. You are likely closed off to meeting potential princes because your heart is all wrapped up in what can never be. Let it go. Much easier said than done but really there is no alternative, not anything that will any way serve you positively.

[mewhenim]

Doesn't sound like someone you want to be with at all. 1: He's an illegal immigrant, I have no problem with immigrants (I am one, but I did it legally), but living as or with an illegal poses a LOT of problems. 2: He should never use his physical strength to overpower you. 3: He has no business going through your stuff. 4: he has no room to talk, he has a wife, 5: he just generally sounds like a controlling, manipulative, lying hole. Don't bother. You are making someone a priority who is only making you an option. Don't bother.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

I can't love you but it's very close to love that I feel for you. You need to move on with your life, meet someone your age, your so beautiful you have so much life ahead of you bla bla bla." He also always tells me that if I am having sex with someone else I need to tell him because he is scared of passing anything on to his wife.

He's telling you the truth, he CAN'T love you... Because, he loves his "FAMILY" maybe more so his children than his wife, she may not be sexual, fallen into a once a week, fortnight routine, he may still love her though... But HE CAN'T LOVE you... He can't lose what he has......

This particular line, is to ensure " I told you so" , he does not have to hold any guilt, he for warned you....

You are Beautiful... Didn't you feel "special, loved" when he stated that? Exactly the purpose of the statement..... Because, prior to that, he suggests you move on, but follows through with something that will stop you from doing so.

Let me know though if you sleep with someone, I don't want to give anything to my wife............


Not concerned himself about catching anything is he... Rather, he establishing that he is cheating, covering up for himself, making himself safe, after all he would surely at the worse love his kids and not want to lose them, seeing them.....

You don't need to get on line and replace him by talking dirty to another Latino, whom will just use you , seriously do you?

Is that how you really feel because you are a Mistress? Not worth anything more?

I think that this is exactly how your feeling and that you are finding your way as you know full well what you are doing is not what you want, should do and so your replacement, is "not in the real world" rather, internet world.. (Which can be real but not if it commences sexually first)....

Get a grip on yourself and use your intuition - "read into those words" he is telling you the truth, I am sleeping with you cause i think your attractive, I don't want to get caught, I don't love you, but you are my possession for now, until the day I lose you... So I will try to avoid that by pretending to push you away so you stay.

Like a fishing line a little isn't it......

CW