My boyfriend doesn't want sex as much as i do

[kjax016]

My boyfriend and I have been going out for four years. He is 23, and I am 20. The sex life was great up until about a year ago, and even worse after we moved in together three months ago. He has stopped wanting to have sex and now I am the one always initiating and I definitely want it more than he does. He thinks I am nuts for wanting to have sex more than once every other week but I looked online and found that the average couple has sex 2-4 times a week so I know I can't be that crazy. It has even gotten to the point where he turns down my offers to give him oral sex, which is something I actually enjoy doing. I feel rejected when he doesn't want to be intimate with me and even more so when he doesn't want to talk about it.

I have also discovered that he watches porn every time that I leave the house, so this may or may not have something to do with it. I don't leave him home alone that often so maybe he doesn't like that he can't watch as much porn as he used to when we didn't live together. I have told him that i consider porn inappropriate and don't like him looking at it but he still watches it. He says it's a "normal guy thing" but I don't think it's normal if it interferes with your sex life.

I need advice ladies! Has anyone else been through this?

[rcoreyus]

People vary a lot in their desire for sex. Some would like it every day or more, some only a few times a year. There is nothing wrong with either, but a relationship between people with different levels of desire is likely to be unhappy.

On the porn issue - while a lot of men do look a porn, most use it as a substitute for sex when their partner is not available (or they don't have one). It sounds like he wants porn instead of sex, and I think that is a problem. (I'm a guy)

[Steph33]

you can find lots of threads with a search for opinions, solutions, and thoughts on porn.

It's a problem for many women, and sounds like you guy may have a problem with it.

At the stage you're in, you shouldn't be able to bend over without getting nailed (just my opinion).

[Hopeless Dork]

Hi Kjax,

Its totally understable why you would be frustrated, having high sex needs that he isn't helping you to meet. How is he with affection outside of sex? Does he still hold you close, etc?

He might be having some issues with his drive for whatever reason (medical issues or medications, stress, exhaustion, etc) and is trying to use the variety of porn to help get him excited.

Sometimes guys also use porn and masturbate when they don't want to go through the trouble of having sex. If you are demanding in the bedroom, or he feels insecure like he's not satisfying you - he might be preferring it occasionally to fill his needs alone that way he doesn't have to feel inadequate.

Telling him you don't approve of porn, in my opinion, isn't going to help much at all. No one likes to be told what to do or what not to do, you could tell him how you feel about it sure, tell him WHY it bothers you (because he isn't interested in sex with you, so you are feeling like its a replacement for you) that way it gives him an opportunity to help you understand what it does for him personally.

Yep, most guys DO look at porn, some just a little here and there and some make a full time hobby of it. Most guys have been indulging in occasional porno use since puberty and its not something they are going to stop just because you don't like it. They will just lie about it and hide it, if he cares about your feelings he will listen to how it affects you and try to help calm your insecurities or fears about it.

I agree with steph that 4 years into a relationship you guys should still be all over each other, but at the same time, it might be time to spice things up a little, share some fantasies and try to bring in some new excitement... be it new clothes or positions, times of day, location, props, or just different attitudes while doing it - roleplaying etc.

I think badgering or pressuring a guy about his not pleasing enough makes them feel worthless to you. That has the potential to become a vicious circle of him not feeling virile and sexual , not giving sex - then you not getting sex, complaining and making him feel less virile and sexual etc.

If this has been going on for a year, its time to try a new approach to adding a spark to your sex life because whatever you have been trying this past year isn't working out for you. If he is loving and affectionate and caring and respectful in all other areas besides sex - this is something worth working on!

If he is withdrawing in all aspects, sex may not be the only thing you need to try to work out with him.

[skipper]

If this has been going on for over a year, I have to wonder if its an issue unrelated to sex. Generally when a relationship sours, not having sex is one of the first toublesome symptoms.

He seems to be into sex as manifested by his enjoyment of porn. He just doesn't seem to want you as his sexual outlet. As Hopeless sez, sex is probably not the only issue you two need to work on.

You guys need to have a talk about where your relationship is headed.

Oh, and try not to badger him about the porn. If you continue, he'll just try to hide it from you and/or lie about it and that will just make things worse.

[nelly37]

Well I definitely wouldn't be happy with your circumstances either. I am 37 and my husband is 38 and we have sex at least twice a week. You guys are in your early 20s and should be at it like rabbits. Obviously things do slow down in that department when you are living together, but - yeah, you should be doing it more than what you are. Was he happy about the two of you moving in together? Is he loving and affectionate to you? I think you really need to sit down together and have a serious talk about where your relationship is headed - tell him that you are not happy with the current circumstances (I agree with the others about not badgering him about the porn), and ask him if there is anything troubling him. Have you been fighting a lot in the past year? Usually guys don't like feeling pressured into things or about things. I had a problem about a year ago with my husband where I was wanting sex more than he was and I went about it the wrong way and put pressure on him and was demanding about it and the situation just got worse. When I approached him about it in a more loving and caring manner (and somewhat seductive) the situation quickly resolved itself. Good luck with it and let us know how things go.

[logic_XY]

Let's trade. Seriously lets do it. Because me and my boyfriend have the same problem except it's the other way around. If I don't have sex with my boyfriend at least twice a day he throughs a fit. I'd be happy with sex twice a week.

[Steph33]

Compatable is not just how and what you do but how often.

My BF talked about our possible sex life long before we did it to avoid some of the problems many have, like how often is good (or not enough).

If someone doesn't want the whole act as often, at least have the courtesy to get your more driven half off orally or some other way.

Nothing worse, and in a way cruel, than wanting and the person who is supposed to handle that doesn't help. If masturbating was all I wanted I'd be living alone. He's not here just for sex, but it is a job requirement (for us both).

Being constantly sexually stressed or frustrated is a potential disaster in the making. And a good way for affairs or cheating to start.

[Hopeless Dork]

Agreed Steph. I think that you everyone has to be willing to meet at the very least in the middle - those with a crazy high drive : be fair, masturbate 1/2 the time. Those with a crazy low drive: be fair, provide assistance with your partners pleasure 1/2 the time.

It's a give and take and like steph said - cheating odds go up increddibly when one partner refuses to at least make some kind of consession - either to quit asking so doggone much, or to quit saying no so doggone much either one is a relationship stresser.

[kjax016]

I really appreciate all of the positive responses that you have given me. I couldn't agree with you more that the issue(s) in our relationship need to be talked about. Unfortunately, when this topic of sex comes up he hates talking about it and I have never actually been successful in getting him to open up about it. I look at it from his perspective and understand that sex drive to a man is very important and talking about the lack thereof might be damaging to his ego, so I understand his unwillingness to talk to me about it.

However, I read a few replies that mentioned spicing things up in the bedroom. I will be the first to admit that I love getting creative in bed. I LOVE dressing up, role playing, toys, spontaneity, etc. After being in a relationship for four years, of course you need to get creative and try new things. He has never really enjoyed me dressing up as much as I wished he did (personalty, I think I get more aroused by me dressing up in lingerie than he does).

To be completely honest, I think that he has unrealistic ideals about how sex should be from him looking at so much porn. And a part of it might be him just being lazy. Why go through all the work of sex when you can just go on the internet, right? I love the intimacy part of sex, along with the sex itself. Every woman wants to feel desired and wanted and I just haven't felt that from him for about a year or so besides the occasional /breast grab.

Does anyone think that it is something I am doing? The only thing I can think of, sorry for sounding extremely conceded, is that I have done a lot to my appearance and body lately to make myself look much more attractive (this is largely due to me feeling like I have to compete with the porn stars he is looking at online). I started working out and went from 140lbs to 125 and I personally think I look amazing right now. Do you think this change could make him intimidated? And therefore not want to have sex with me? I know this sounds crazy but it is the only change that I can think of that might have an effect on our sex life.

Thanks for the advice.