MY Daughter doesn't want me

[Kez]

It's interesting to read a daughter's experience of an abusive mother. Maybe my daughter sees me in that light. I don't know. She doesn't like me. She doesn't want me around. She doesn't want me having loving relationships with her children. I can't understand and I want to.
She thinks I'm a bad mother. Her father left when she was six and I've raised her myself. She idolises her father. He avoided paying maintenance for as long as he could and stopped it the minute she turned 16. She got pregnant at 17 and he advised her to have an abortion. She had an abusive relationship with her partner and, after receiving a black eye and a kick to the stomach, came home to me. She had her baby at home with us (her brother and me). I took a course to find out how to establish her relationship with her father. It was huge and I managed it. They are now talking again.
I adore her children (my grand children) . I adore her. But her relationship with me has never been easy. She wants her dad, not me. Her feelings are for him.
When she got married, he gave them $250 as a present. He didn't pay for the wedding. I thought he had. He told me not to talk to him at the wedding. I assured him I'd be gracious. He said he didn't trust me.
My daughter didn't talk to me or her brother at her wedding. It hurt a lot.
She was really grateful when she saw the wedding present I gave her. She's enjoyed receiving it. But the very day after it was finished, she told me she didn't want me around her family. Friends tell me she is happy and a good mother. So what is it? Any observations? I want a good relationship with her. I want to show her my love...so far, she receives money happily and lovingly. But nothing else.

[Hopeless Dork]

Hi Kez, I am really sorry for what you are having to go through. It doesn't sound like you deserve this treatment.

Sometimes when one parent is missing during a childs life - they grow to hate that missing parent for not being there for them and sometimes instead of hating them, they build them up in their heads to larger than life characters that they adore.

Either way, its just the child trying to find a way to deal with the absense of someone in their life, that should be there. If they choose to worship that missing parent, they might villify the present parent, blame them (even just in their own mind) for being the cause of why this other wonderful parent isn't there.

Sounds like you drew the short stick. You love your daughter, you put in all the hard work to give her the best life you could and now she is rewarding you with distance and selfishness. She is obviously still hurting inside and even though you are not to blame it seems that she is making you the scapegoat for why her life didn't turn out the way she hoped.

As she grows older and realizes her life is what she makes it and living in the past and laying blame to the ones that love and support you the most benefits no one... she will come around. While you are hurting, take comfort in the fact that you have done and continue to do the best that you can for her. Love her and let her know she is loved despite her behavior and she will grow to understand the sacrafices you've made for her. Especially as she begins to make them for her own children.. as all mothers do.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

I would be questioning just what her Father is saying to her, to turn her off of you and her brother...

It seems to me, that she has done a bit of a turn around.

You also dont state why you feel that she may believe that you are / have been abusive, rather, all the good things you have done, do..

CW

[WildChild]

Read through this earlier and wasn't sure what to say, how to express it. THen I sat down to read a bit before going back to work and there it was. I don't have time right now to copy a full excerpt but in our male dominated culture when a women seeks to differentiate from her mother who is her gender role model she often negates and even demonizes her mother - justified or not. If you can a copy of The Heroine's Journey but Maureen Murdock, the section entitled, The Journey Begins: Separation From the Mother, explains it very well.

[Kez]

Thanks for your time, your thoughtfulness and your advice. I'll find a copy of the book. If I can get myself thinking positively about this, and stop the sobbing, I can turn it around. I know I can.... Mothering...the Goddess's revenge for the fun sex. Bless you all.

[Kez]

Hi again
I contacted my daughter after six weeks of not hearing from her and asked her why she wasn't talking with me. (See initial post.) Six weeks ago, she'd asked me not to interfere with her family. That upset me and I left.

As I left, we had words. She accused me of buying her love with my wedding present and loans. I told her that, at times, it feels a bit like prostitution as it's the only time she shows me respect and love. I told her she has to work on the relationship now.

I know she is going through a stressful time.

Her husband has cancer, the neighbours are taking them to court over a tree whose roots have invaded my daughter's sewage pipes, and the neighbours have accused my son in law (the one with the cancer) of spying on them and jumping the fence and taking underwear etc. Crazy stuff!

On top of that, her first child's father, with whom she had a violent relationship, has asked for access rights after two years without access after he lost in court.

She's stressed. I want to be a helpful mother.

So I have waited six weeks for her to contact me. She rang a few days after our encounter on 28 Feb to repay the money I gave her as a Christmas present (to pay for a course she wanted to do so she could set up a business.) She said she didn't want to take money from me. I told her it was my Christmas present to her. I asked how everyone was and she said they were all fine and that she loved me too.

I rang her today and asked her why she wasn't talking to me.

She told me she finds my presence in her life stressful and she can't handle it at the moment.

I asked her to tell me some more about that. She said I keep changing my mind and she can't handle the anxiety I produce by my manipulation.

Apparently, she thought when I said I'd pay the extra above the amount I promised for my wedding present (I offered to pay $10000 for a new bathroom for them. She wanted to spend $18000 and asked if I'd pay the extra. I agreed, as long as it went onto the loan I've given them to help with the mortgage. Apparently, she didn't expect to pay it back. Her husband emailed me and offered to pay back all the loan as they wanted to take responsibility for their mortgage. When I sent them the amount, it appears she was upset at the extra $7000 odd figure.)

She told me doesn't want me in her life at the moment. I agreed with her stand for good relationships, that I want her to have a loving and accepting relationship with her mother (me). I too am not committed to a stressful relationship. (Our relationship has been very stressful for me. For example, she did not talk to me or her brother at her wedding.)

She told me we have a toxic relationship and that's not what she wants for her life. I told her I am committed to her having healthy and loving relationships

I have ordered the book you recommended. It hasn't yet arrived.

I haven't seen my grandchildren for over six weeks. I'm feeling distressed and I understand she's also dealing with a lot.

Is the only option I have to withdraw and lose my ongoing relationship with her and my grandchildren and her husband?

With love
Kez

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Kez

You are a beautiful mum with heart and soul.

I can tell.

That's all she needs, a phone call for no reason from time to time, just saying hi love, how are you.

Not financial, helping with bathrooms, mortgages, courses..

She/they seem confused at what has been a gift and what has to be paid back, or else feel obligated to and try to find a way and it's more stress.

It's your heart and soul she is searching for she does love you, she said so and you don't say it if deep down you don't mean it.

I feel there is confusion going on there, and that she feels you are "BUYING" her love when it's only your ear she wants, someone to listen only.

It may sound harsh but it's not meant to be at all.

Sometimes it is the people outside, that see...

Remember, she does love you...

Work slowly only on being that ear for her, not anything else for a while.

Take care... it will work out..

CW

[WildChild]

In couple days it will be the 30th anniversary of my mother's death. I wish I could convey to others how important it is to mend the fences, heals the wounds and find a way to show your love. You never know how much time you have. My mother was a health nut, did yoga years before it was popular, ran, ate natural foods, never smoked, rarely drank, could still fit into her wedding dress 22 years and 4 kids after she wore it down the aisle - yet she got cancer and died before she was 44. I was 21 and while I was never estranged from her so I don't have that sort of regret, I still miss her and wish I had the opportunity to know her as an adult.

Mom has now been gone quite a few more years than she was in my life. I have a wonderful stepmother, no one could ask for one better but much as I love her, she isn't my mother. I know you can only work on one side of the relationship but don't close any doors. Give her time but keep assuring her of your love - that doesn't have to mean giving her money or expensive gifts. How about things like putting together photo albums for both your kids of pictures from their childhoods? Sending your grandkids books, maybe accompanied by cds of you reading the stories?

In the meantime work on yourself, we are all works in progress. The time will come that your daughter will come realize that you did the best you could. That's all any of us can do. It can be hard for young people (and some older) to recognize that their parents came from a different generation and may have themselves been raised with different expectations. This is a time of social change and many of us are feeling our ways towards a new way if seeing things.

I do think you will find The Heroine's Journey offers some good perspectives. The therapist who wrote it has worked extensively with women and writes from her own journey. I hope you find a way to heal this breach.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

I just wanted to add...

I had a "toxic" relationship with my Mother...

That ended when I was 25... I wrote what I did above Kez, because sometimes, Mum's think that they are doing everything right, but it comes about when they grow with their grandchildren and those grandchildren become teenagers, that they clearly see the difference and understand, that what they thought was right ( often based on how they were bought up) was "different" maybe even old fashioned? As to how they were with their child...

My mum is lovely and she realises some of the things she did and regrets, there are no regrets, I have told her that, we do what we do based on what we know.

So, don't beat yourself up your daughter as I said loves you, she just doesn't understand and in time she will.

My comment about "buying" was not saying you do, but really, it's a way is it not of saying you love her? Giving?

I am saying, if we feel wronged, often, money makes us feel like we are being bought, when all we really want is that "best friend" who listens...

She would be at a point where that is really what she needs at the moment based on what is going on in her life.

You may be suprised if that is all you do... And don't call saying why aren't you talking to me, don't offer any comfort in finances, just an ear and only an ear that you may change that thought pattern.

You obviously have a lot of love in there...

Use it in a different way, is all I am suggesting, ...

CW

[Kez]

Thank you everyone
And bless whoever set up this website. It's such a joy to be heard, and to actually see what it is that is happening.
I will do exactly as you say - listen - because I can see the wisdom in it.
Bless you all.
Kez