Loooong, but could use opinions

[sm0kx]

Hi. I'm Tonya, 23, Uni student.

This is looong. So I guess only read Part 1 if you don't like long reads. ALSO can I specify that telling me to "move on" is a bit redundent. I'm aware I have to get on with my life, but respect that I'm really looking for hope or at least ideas on salvaging whatever I can. This means a lot to me so I'll appreciate it a lot. So if you read, you're a true angel.

PART 1 [short-ish and sweet err sour]: Basically, guy friend [23] liked me [23] for over two years, I start liking him back after a couple of years, we decided to give a relationship a go but before that can happen he got deported to china and needs a job/money to get back into the UK (lives ten minute from me). Things went well in the relationship for the first few months, we gamed together, talked lots about more intimate stuff and I was even interested in learning mandarin. He seemed more irritable since being there though, increasingly so. Then lots of drama happened, somewhat my insecurity/expectations but also his stubbornness and lack of communication skills as well as his general superiority/hypocrisy traits. I'm not kidding, he is the embodiment of stubborn. He's soft on the outside, hard on the inside, I'm apparently hard on the outside with a soft centre. x_X

Note: This was always long distance, but we talked a LOT and over a long time, as well as on Skype/etc lots. He was always all over me, we really got close [more than friends] since September shortly before he was deported. Guess he got under my skin, and I was already well under his. He was almost obsessed with me. But... I was so casual in the early days, and more so during friendship years.


To cut a long story short, from December when he got stressed from my nitpicking/overreactions he basically needed space so I respected that, despite not understanding. He said I should make myself vulnerable, not be guarded, yet at the same time he said I was "too serious too soon" despite that I don't think I said/did anything he didn't. o.O

We did better in January, gaming together and talking/etc, but another little fight ruined that, and he became distant again, despite a couple of days a week later where we Skype/cam'd and he was all over me some more. Then another little argument, more him being distant. Feeling ignored one day before Valentines, I emailed him, pouring my heart out about my frustrations, didn't go down well since he claimed those messages only repel people, and how he's already said about distance and how I can't expect him to want to "jump into" something like what we were before space ordeal. We were still talking, albeit casual. -_- Mid-February we argued more [silly little fights he initiated] he started giving me the silent treatment (well, neither spoke)... for a month, with my MSN showing that he's deleted me (I asked about it, he was like "*confused emote* So what now?"). So yes. I messaged him yesterday, sick of not knowing what's up, and he replied...

He said that it wasn't one huge pull, it was a massive list of little things. He compared it all to a rubber band, saying how with no time to recover from the little fights and general problems [explained in later part of this message, if you could at least glimpse through] that elastic band snapped. Said that he knows he tried hard because I put him back on his headache medication (December), (yeah, like taking up smoking again and change in diet can't possibly be the reason. -_- He ALSO said that no matter what he does it won't help, and that he doesn't know what he can do, or what can be done.


So all in all: he's deleted me on MSN [not blocked] and after above message, he deleted me on Skype. -__- However he's not [yet] deleted me anywhere else, FB, MS, YT, etc. So I guess what I'm asking is, well I'm not entirely sure. I miss him. After over two years of not caring much for him except as a casual friend, he became a lot more and I feel so stupid for letting myself feel that way again after the last heartbreak. Am I wrong to hope that when he gets back home that things might get better? Is space really make or break? He's really hurt me, though. I must be mad for not hating him. -_-

I'm guessing... I just give him space, or at least don't contact him at all. Which I don't plan on doing again. Guess that's his place. Plus what could I say to how he's been acting since February. -__-

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PART 2: Extended version... [if you can stomach confusing reads!]
I've known this guy for two years, he always liked me, always been flirty and let me know he likes me but I never felt the same. So we were casual gaming buddies although he helped me through a tough times with an "ex", who perpetually let me down, ran off and hurt me. Anyway I guess I really did get over my ex because I started liking this guy, so we started dating, but it was long distance because he was to be deported to HK before we got to make anything happen. He needs money before he can get back. Sooo, late October and November we were good, we even sent each other stuff. December went bad...

Sidenote: He's managed to break down a lot of barriers I'd put up since the last guy. But I've got issues.
1. I tend to get paranoid, read into things and all that stuff.
2. I apparently give off mixed messages. Getting back from December surgery I said to him "I may have missed you", and he was like "You either did or you didn't" in an amused way, but eventually he was irked: "ugh you can't expect me to get your mixed messages if you think we're something" then came massive revealing of his frustration and the fact he was put on old headache meds that coincide with my spazzes. [He put that on me and my drama]
3. For some reason I fail at starting conversations, it's like I'm guarded or something. I didn't prompt him to get on Skype, or seem capable of approaching issues the right way.
4. A couple of his comments: "You know if you're going to be someone's gf/bf then you're supposed to make yourself vulnerable so that person can see who you really are." and "Sometimes you say things like I'm gonna take the out of you." [no idea wtf that all meant]

Background
? In December I was getting stressed/issue-y. I get aggravated over nothing, and we had a few arguments/misunderstandings. He's usually such a sweet and friendly guy but it's like I bring out an irritable defensive jerk sometimes.

? Night before my minor surgery [mid Dec], I ran off without saying bye or anything because I thought he was ignoring me to talk to his friends [stupid, I know, he was helping a friend with his business]. It must have effected him because when I got back on the 17th said I'd helped put him back on his old headache meds. I think I got paranoid because he kinda stopped calling me "babe", or when I think he's ignoring me [which he's pointed out a few times, frustrates him] which all stemmed from more miscommunication [thanks MSN -_-]. I just get so possessive, ahead of myself. He already said in early relationship that he was hesitant about me because virgins usually get clingy or something so he usually runs off from them. Saying that, I did nothing he didn't do! So chasing seems detrimental.


? He said he "needed space" so I gave it, albeit with hiccups at first. This happened at Christmas, we did talk but it was brief every so many days and he initiated conversation. He did the whole happy Christmas thing and we chatted. His FB statuses were odd, like "wonder if it will happen again this year" [previously he gets ditched on NewYear]. On New Years he mentioned the ring I gave him [he gave me one, too, non-marriage btw] He said that his friend's psychic mother [wtf] said "That's really nice, the girl who gave you that must really like you." and went on to describe me physically, and said that I was in pain. Not sure if he was using her as a cover for himself.


? So we were talking more, gaming, back to normal-ish, though with his irritability still mildly there. To try to help matters, I sent him a letter in mid Jan with some things, nice, non-whiny sort of "I understand and I'm sorry" thing. He seemed to like it but he really didn't respond to points I hoped he would. Silly of me to expect anything, I know.

? We got really friendly again in January and spent more and more time together like before, but I seemed to become demanding again and he pulled away at the end of January after a fight. See, I was stressed about Uni and he wanted me to download some online private server game so we could play together. Anyway I it came to this: "I know. I'm not stupid" -me, to something he kept pestering about... He replied, "If you're going to take your stress out on me, watch for the backlash" even though HE always took stress out on me. x_X So past issues were brought up, and finally he said, "If I were to be whoever I am instead of a nicer person as to who you'd like me to be with your 'feedbacks', I don't think anything will go far." and he went offline. -_- The irony here is he's the one saying I should be less opinionated, and basically to not try helping. We didn't talk for 6 days until I spoke to him first.

? A week later we got back on track again and we were Skyping as normal, then ANOTHER little argument on MSN [as always]. This time ending a bit like "I didn't mean it like that, but ok" - me. "ok" -him.

? So! Next day his Facebook status reads "afk for a few days, back soon". When he got back, he didn't say anything to me, just poked me back [we perpetually do that] and was posting YouTube links on there. I get upset over things like that... admitedly I'm really clingy or rather I take it as a personal snub. -_-
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

PART 3 [End bit - feel free to skip gruelling above details]
Know what there's just so much stuff. Him and I are admittedly quite extreme "characters", me somewhat fiery and him more subtly so but with a kind of superiority thing going on.

1) Because he was acting so distant after the "ok" shrug-off, I emailed him. It was a drunk email but it did make sense, apparently not to him though. I pointed out how I didn't like the fact that if we're not "proper gf/bf" yet [his words] until he gets back to the UK, why is it he keeps wanting phone sex, and WHY does he act so hot and cold. =/

2) Didn't go down well either. I yet again initiated talk [stupid, I know]. He said messages like that only repel people, because what can anyone do to messages like that where he doesn't understand what I'm trying to say. [I suspect think in late January he may have seen rant on a site we both use, but they weren't harsh ones, more like "wtf is going ON"] I'm stupid for doing that stuff, I know. Maybe it really does throw people off?

3) Mid February: MSN Plus says I'm not on his MSN, I ask what's up [panicked when he was offline and typed "=/"] and he was like "*confused emote*" so I showed him a screenshot of it and he said "So what now?" and I replied "Nothing. Was looking to see if someone still had me on their list and noticed it said you don't." and he didn't reply. Then month of silence. Nasty much. =(

4) Him deleting my old MSN deletions did it. Yesterday I emailed him asking what was going on, saying how unlike him this was, etc. ... He replied saying it wasn't one giant thing, it was little things over all this time that finally nudged him to this, and he doesn't know what he can do or what can be done, that "that rubber band snapped". -_- So I noticed then he'd deleted me from Skype after. Guess he really hates me to be that vindictive. Seems vindictive anyway. Certainly wouldn't be so he didn't have to see my name, I know him.

This is messing me up, I feel like it's gonna explode or that he'll run off like the last guy or something.
I really like him, we click so well but seem to have such different communication styles and issues. [Me Libra, he Scorpio, if you're into starsigns] In short... I do want him back, but more than that I want him to want me back. I just, want the guy I've known these years back, not this person who's crept in somewhere along the time of us being "together" and yet "apart".

Anyone have opinion on this? Experience with it? Ideas for if/when he gets back to the UK? And just... is it hopeless?

[kellylee]

i read every part of this, and to be honest... I have no words. (but I'll try to come up with some anyways.)

It sounds like the distance is really tough for the both of you. Personally, I've never believed in LD relationships. I haven't seen one work out for the better, yet.

But through-out all of this, I noticed you would mention... "I just want him to like me back." Of course, we all do. But I think you need to remember that you can't force anyone to like you.

I'm not so sure time would work in your favor, as it seems that you have arguments somewhat frequently. Because take it to a scene where you're living together... What happens when your communication fails there? He moves out and leaves you stranded for a month?

You said you didn't want anyone to tell you to move on, but you can't really deny that it's an option, because well, it is. There are plenty of fish in the sea and I'm sure even local ones. =] Maybe you should try going out with someone else for a while, and see if you still feel the same.

[kms]

Hmm... all I can say is that a long distance relationship, especially one done mostly via msn, with someone from a different culture can be VERY challenging. My bf and I were apart for a year, studying at universities an hour apart. Even though we saw each other most weekends, our communication during the week was via msn. We had SO MANY miscommunications and misunderstandings and fights stemming mostly from the fact that what either of us actually meant just didn't translate well online. He might say something that would come off harsh, but since he's not a native English speaker he never meant it that way - and yet since his English is so good I usually forgot that he wasn't native and took offense when it wasn't warranted - and vice versa. So essentially, having a relationship online is very difficult, especially in light of the fact that nonverbal communication is the MOST important and meaningful form of communication - second to that is our tone of voice, and LAST are the words we actually say. Online all we get is the words. So you can see how much the messages can be mixed up and distorted!

My advice would be to cool off and step back, take a break from him until he comes back. Things sound like they're a mess, and they're not likely to get any better with only online communication. I'd say just to press pause and wait for him to come back to see if you can get back on the same page then, with real face to face communication and interaction.

[sm0kx]

Thank you both for reading and replying.

Kelly - He is local, he lives ten minutes away but was deported right before we got serious. He needs a job to get money to return to the UK. Not sure when that will happen, apparently the economy is making it all difficult. Since he was deported, well, very soon after, is when he seemed far more irritable. We never had an argument before that, he never "snapped" at me, either.

kms - Thank you. What you say makes a lot of sense. Online communication between couples really does seem to make things more difficult. We did use Skype too, but never argued on there, it was always msn.

I'm definitely not going to contact him again, it'll be up to him. If he doesn't contact me, I guess he didn't like me as much as he said. That or I didn't realise how much damage came about from our arguing. I miss him so much. :[ Guess starting relationship from such distance really doesn't work well, but I hate how things have gone so bad.

[kms]

Yeah... also just keep in mind that he's likely under a lot of stress from being unable to find employment to raise the money to come back to the UK, and from being deported and uprooted from his home and life in the UK and sent abruptly back to a life he doesn't want there... He's probably pissed, irritated, depressed, stressed, everything imaginable. So I would say to not completely write him off, but just step back and give him space. Be there if he needs it, but don't put your life on hold either by pining away and ruminating over it.

[sm0kx]

Thank you, that makes a lot of sense and I'll bear it in mind.

It's just hard accepting that because his whole shunning me and deleting me from all but websites, that cuts deep. I just can't believe that he'd throw us away. Maybe it's not the end but I have no idea what he'll do. Guess in the meantime I'm stuck trying not to think about our two years together, a lot of good memories that just make me miss him more. -_-

[sm0kx]

Sorry to bump this, I've gotten some great replies here, I'm just frustrated about things today and this stops me feeling that much more helpless... since I can't/won't even try contacting the guy. It helps hearing people's thoughts, experiences or suggestions, and now I have some idea what's happened and my own stupid issues that need zapping (including "clinginess" -.-) but it's tough and missing him along with all that is more bleh.

He seems to be busying himself or something. He's still not removed me anywhere but skype or msn (not blocked). So fb and everywhere else I'm on his list. It just seems so final that he picked those to remove me from, but why not the others. This is so dmned horrible.

[Hopeless Dork]

It is easier to say than do when it comes to backing off when someone is asking for space. The simple request for it or indication of them needing it leads to insecurities and even MORE of a tendency for the one being told to back off to become clingy.

When a guy isn't calling, emailing, texting like he use to it, you can wonder all kinds of things - you can tell him that its upsetting you and ask him to do it more but the truth is if they really wanted to , they'd be doing it. Asking them to is like telling an 8 year old to eat his green beans when he doesn't like green beans, you can threaten and offer rewards and bribes and maybe they will do it, maybe they won't but inside you know that they wouldn't be doing it if you were not making them.

When you are in love, heck... even in like, you want to talk to the other person as much as possible, you don't block them from various communication platforms - especially on a distance where that is all you have. Maybe in a spat, but that would be temporary, silly and fixed right away. I think he is showing all indicators that he wants distance and as much as it hurts you will have to give it to him, or will he will distance himself anyway and have to resort to blocking you to do it.

Try to find some new things to do to busy your mind so that you aren't thinking about him all the time, don't just pretend to have a life outside of him - really trully get one. Some men don't know what to do with being the center of attention in someones life and run from it (even if they actually crave it). Once they are no longer your focus, that's when he will start seeking your attention again. Its such a stupid thing that some guys do, and a gamble - cause when he comes around again wanting all that attention back - you may have already found someone else to give it to - someone that knows how to appreciate it.

[sm0kx]

Thank you lots. You're right about all that, although he hasn't blocked me. Yes it's horrible going from him asking me to go over and visit him (which I said wasn't possible for numerous reasons) and talking into late morning, all the way to this.

Very difficult adjustment, especially with me not understanding. His reply was so odd, because is that it? I know he said he didn't know what he could do, that nothing seems to help. But I can't fix my side of issues if he won't talk about it and it seems he doesn't try.

I have block/deleted him for months once but it was over a year ago, and we were just friends, after he retorted something about me and my ex, which really annoyed/upset me. Don't think it could have hurt him as much as this is hurting me, though.

I can't see how deleting me could be anything other than him losing interest or something like that. But everyone's different I suppose. I don't understand the "space" or repel thing. :/ Wish I'd have just not overthought things, that I'd have gone with the flow, not let past stuff get in the way or cloud my judgement. Now I might have lost him and what we had, and I hate that it's affecting me so much but I miss him.

[sm0kx]

There's no edit feature on these forums? >.>

I just wonder, should I block him on MSN or something? I feel so readily available while he's not even got me on there (should he re-add using his privacy list) and bleh. x.x