Loooong, but could use opinions

[Hopeless Dork]

Nah, You can be the grown up and just leave him on there. I am sure he pays attention to the fact you havn't yet blocked or deleted him and maybe it does make him feel like you are there at his beck and call. But just because you leave yourself open to communication like a normal person doesn't mean you have to be readily available the moment he feels the need to talk.

If, however, his appearance on your contact list is causing you to think about him too much I'd suggest deleting him from the list but not blocking necessarily.

[SeducingMrRight]

Human nature is such that we always want what we can't have. Look how well it's working on you!

So that's what you give him if you want him. Give him the gift of missing you. He had those same 3 years with you and those same memories that you talk about. There is no doubt he will be back at some point.

No. Don't block him. Even that is a form of communication. Give him enough room to come back and he will. Remember the fun you used to have together. That is what attracted him to you. That is the girl he was in to! Once things become "work", guys lose interest.

They need attraction to maintain emotional attachment. Emotional attachment is what changes a man from single to serious. But first, it's that attraction.

I had the same communication problem via technology that you described. In fact, I even think phones can be danger arenas of misunderstandings. Part of it is the instant access. You are responding without a chance to cool down and think it through. I can be totally pissed about something one afternoon and the next day have zero emotion about it, maybe think it's even funny. But with instant messaging, texting, even phones, we all have the opportunity to respond emotionally...and even worse, without the face to face diffuser. In person, there is inflection and subtlety that is completely lost in instant technological communication.

So wait. I agree with the above advice to fill your life. Use this time that you have single to do things you won't have the freedom to do later, once in a relationship. You have control of the remote, you can eat whatever you want without the one eyebrow up, the entire bed is yours to cuddle in, take that dance class, or learn to cook something amazing.

Sometimes you just have to walk through th fire to get to the other side.

Wishing you better,
Dawn

[sm0kx]

Thanks. Yes I've left him unblocked, because it does seem silly overthinking it like I have been. It's not like I want this stand off, so blocking him seems detrimental.

Thank you SMR, you make good points. I have been thinking about that attraction thing, the girl he fell for definitely isn't how I have been acting; emotional and everything, I'm usually much more crazy and carefree but he got under my skin. First I seemed "tame" because I was afraid of making arguments worse, and I suppose I became demanding in the sense of... well, like the email I sent him detailing my frustrations back near Valentines day. Maybe that's what he meant by "too serious too soon" in a way. It's been a difficult time with the time difference alone, let alone distance and miscommunications.

Communications thing is true. He said once on MSN how he thinks I'm "too quick to react" a bit before our December fallout. (He was angry I reacted to his bad mood, and said I have no tolerance of his issues/moods while he has to tolerate mine, like when I'm too angry to speak to him). We've even had an MSN fight once about his real (chinese) name, and something he said made me think he was saying I'm not chinese so I can't ever say his name. He made me feel like I wasn't fit to say his name (his saying "I only respond to certain people calling me it") ... I even used the word "xenophobe" and I have no idea why. *is an idiot* ¬_¬

So I'm trying to recognise and deal with my own apparent issues: abandonment stuff, clinginess, insecurity, knee-jerk reactions, moods... etc. I thought I had more control, but apparently I still fall hard when it comes to this stuff.

Anyway. I was really upset last night, sometimes it hits me and I get so scared of the possibility that this really is it. I wonder if he's met another girl, or if he hates me, his words in that email play on my mind, and I go over my own issues while wishing I understood his. I hate things being so bad because we were so happy before this.

Gonna be shopping and trying to do some things to keep my mind occupied. I'm meeting an old friend this weekend and trying to distract myself too.

[sm0kx]

No edit feature here? :S

Also, his display pictures are a bit odd (not of him) but I'm a bit too paranoid to describe them in case someone he knows might happen to stumble on here.

[sm0kx]

Sorry to bump this.

Well, he finally got in touch, mid-September, on a site I use regularly which he only signed up to last year because I use it. Not sure why he chose it. He'd actually logged in a few months before that but said nothing.
His first line was a link to something we're both fans of.
Second said how I should have known he would talk to me again hence not deleting me on friend lists. The last was a simple explanation for the silence, saying how he had needed a lot more space than before (xmas) and couldn't see things working out between us if we kept going as we were, and if I wanted to talk then I knew how to find him, if not then he would disappear if that's what I want.

He'd been talking to me regularly these past couple of weeks, pretty much every day. I thought things looked alright. He was showing me vids of him at work, not even particularly interesting ones. Seems more sadistic somehow...

I did confront him a couple days ago, only after he was so kind as to let me see he was in a new relationship over there through his Facebook picture and relationship status.

Convo...

Me: why did you start talking to me again?
Him: because it was not my intention to completely blank you out forever
Him: was i not supposed to talk to you again? i'll ask you this again like i did when i talked to you again this time... do you want me to disappear?
Me: No I don't, but you showed up saying "talk if you want" instead of saying what you want
Him: eh?
Me: "if you're still good to talk" and "I'll just disappear if that's what you want"
Him: i asked if it's a good time to talk because your msn name says 'god i am so sick of everyone'
Me: put simply without poetic crud, you left things for 6 months and now you return which great, but I find out you're seeing someone through FB
Him: if you're being hostile to me. it's also not my intention to make things worse. so if you want me to go. i'll make it easy
Me: I'm not trying to be hostile
Me: and I've said several times I don't want you to go
Him: so if you dont want me to disappear, please dont be hostile. i find it quite aggressive and i'm also not here to wave the gf card infront of you to rub it in
Him: i just thought you could understand that i want someone close to me physically as well... i've had my fair share of long distances and with me not knowing how long i'd take to get back to england... you'll be waiting indefinately and it wont be fair on you too
Me: sec
Me: it's ironic that the day you stopped talking to me I got my passport application really
Me: but hey. If I weren't such a sucker for feelings. but not much to be done if that's how you feel, and if you felt the same you'd not be with her. I know this
Him: i dont know what you want me to say, you werent up for meeting up all that time. you didnt even have a passport or it expired or whatever... didnt tell me anything about that
Me: I know how I was being at the time. 6 months gives you time to realise crud
Him: so why are you saying if that's how you feel you'd not be with her?
Me: I meant if you felt strong as I did you'd not be with her, but I suppose 6 months of silence should have given me a clue. It's fine if you don't want to talk about it. not your problem
Me: just would have been nice to have been told that. or gotten better closure if you lost interest
Him: sec
Him: well i did feel strong. have been for more than the 6months of us not talking. you should know too but you ended up pushing me away. what was i supposed to do or think?
Him: and those 6months ago, if we spoke of anything related to me and you, it mostly ended up with arguments or some sort of b*****ks
Me: I know how I was acting.
Him: so why do you keep saying if i felt strong or whatever i wont be with her?
Me: What I mean (try without my usual bs since I'm too held back I suppose) is that when you feel strongly for someone, or at least when I do, other people don't come close to that feeling
Me: but hold on a sec. Didn't get what you meant in your "wwell i did feel strong. have been for more than the 6months of us not talking."
Me: and I've apologised before for pushing you away. putting my heart out on my sleeve here, perhaps a bit ghey-ly, I needed to see someone 'cause of past stuff.
Him: i've told you for over a year i liked you and if you dont think that was strong enough without getting **** all
Him: what is?
Me: No I follow that, what I'm asking if the part about six months talking. Are you saying you still feel that way?
Me: and FTR: I know those ranty things I did were retarded as . x_x
Him: no i dont feel like i did before sorry. not something you want to know i can understand but you should also know i'm the type that once i've made my mind up i'm sticking to it
Him: spoken to some of my friends... she told me after all this time i've given myself and you enough chances to work things out but it really didnt to be fair
Me: How could it with the distance? **** we got a bad deal.
Him: and if you're telling me about the whole passport thing now, i dont know if it's a wise idea to take that risk. for both of us... what if we did get together when you came to visit and then broke up after? you'd be in a new world of messed up and what about me? i dont think i'd be in the position to say i feel good about dropping someone in an emotional rollercoaster 5k+ miles away from home
Me: I'd not take that risk purely because you're said you don't feel the same now. I guess it's just tough thinking all that chance we had and the deportation thing made things hard for us, and just all that time for me to fall for you and the opposite happened for you.
Me: oh this wine's too good.
Him: dont drink crazy because of me
Him: look... lets be frank... if you're upset about this i can totally understand but i dont wanna see or hear you drinking yourself crazy. i was helping you through when you got hurt by that other kid and i know you didnt go through a nice experience
Him: i'd like to be able to tell myself i'm a nice guy, but i'm not sure if that's the case from your perspective anymore. although if you can accept things didnt work out between us and stay friends i will really appreciate it and i'd also respect your decision if you choose not to because you feel so strong you want me as somebody more than just a friend
Him: afk again
Me: *frank too for a sec* I just often think think nice guys would let someone sit for 6 months like that, then not even talk things out once they decided to get back in touch, or even remotely apologise. I accept things didn't work out, and it's not like I'm keen for you to disappear like that. I don't want you out of my life but those 6 months didn't seem to bother you. Now I'm just dealing with all that stupid feeling and stupid hope and this stupid wine
Him: look if you gave me the time and the chance to say it i would have. just because i didnt bring it up it doesnt mean i didnt think of apologising for disappearing. i really needed that space to go away and relax and cool off. we argued way too often back then... even if i did come back and apologise and tell you everything
Him: how does hi, sorry for not talking for 6months and i'm back now
Him: by the way i have a gf now and i think she's amazing?
Him: how does that sound? i dont wanna rub it in and this is the second time i mentioned her since we spoke
Him: first time was earlier tonight
Him: or this afternoon for you
Me: I'm sorry. I really did fall for you, and we really did get a rough hand deals. I'll say it now since I'm about to do what it's felt like you wanted to do for 6 months or so leaving me in the dark like, because loving someone and watching them love someone else is enough to make people go crazy. Think I already have done hoping on you and exvcusing you for ripping me apart like that. So that's it said. I do love you, as much possible in circumstances, but I don't think you really "get" what you did and how you didn't handle things well yourself. So hearing you make out that you care about me when you treated me that way... and how you think this girl is amazing when you spat on me like that for being in as much difficulty as you with the deportation. Just... I can't handle it. again. Love you, wish things were as they were but I'm not quite able to switch off like that. Maybe I need time. -_-


After that, I blocked him on MSN (not delete), deleted him on all his Facebook accounts because I do not want to see him and her. Jesus.
His headline on there is something like: "keep yourself occupied while you wait. when it comes, it's worth it."

Later on that night his MSN name said "b*****ks to it all". He'd removed me on there again, so I suppose that's that. Didn't wait for a response to my long splurge, doubt it'd be anything I want to hear. He's made his choice when he got with someone else. I got so angry at the last things he said, and the whole mixed messages of "strongly" yet he'd made up his mind and the distance... Duh... he'd not be with someone else if he wanted to invest in us. -_- I'm so confused and lost.

Obviously now I'm in a state but I am so mad at him for coming back if he's already decided he doesn't want to reconcile. I don't know why he spoke to me. I don't know why the guy I knew for so long suddenly turned into this thing. Today his MSN at work says "patience is virtue" * * * .

Feel like such a fool, and still miss him so much but he's obviously done with the idea of us, even if he said he still feels strongly after all these months.
I'm wrecked. Feel sick and angry and hurt and god knows what else. I care about this guy so much, and hoped he'd take the chance to see I've actually dealt with my issues that were causing problems with us before.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

We are all individuals.

6 Months is a long time love... He moved on you didn't that's all.

Closure is important to people, but not always going to be had.

He remembers the good times and wanted to get back connected, didn't know how to say sorry for what happened and also didn't want to give any false hopes, so he just be-friended you probably in hope that you'd moved on as well with your life.

It sounds like your previous relationship was difficult and with fights anyway and that MSN was simular at the end, cutting him off, off course he then deleted... You started that side of it...

You have to get on with your life sweet.

CW