Wife has PMDD. Destroying our marriage???

[floundering]

could pmdd be an underlying cause for the destruction of a marriage? my wife told me about 3 weeks ago that she does not think she loves me anymore, that we are not compatible. out of the blue for me. i know that i am a guy and we can be oblivious to these sort of things. we have, through counseling and reading began to understand together some real problems in our marriage i.e. communication, wants and needs , and so-on. correctable things. my wife has been diagnosed with pmdd for about a year now. she is unable to take bc or hormone therapy due to a blood clotting disorder. She also does not want anything to do w/ anti-depressants.
i recently started researching pmdd to try and better understand the disorder. I wish I would of had a better understanding from the onset. I called her at work after hours of reading about PMDD and told her how sorry I was that she had to go through this feeling alone. I told her I just wanted to hold her. I felt terrible for her.
i have read over and over the constant destruction of relationships. i need advice on what i can do to try to help her. we still have a great loving reltionship despite her feeling out of love. she is going to talk w/ our counselor this week re; pmdd and see her ob/gyn. all advice is appreciated. I need to try and understand what the feelings and cognitions are of a girl going through this disorder when it has it's grasp on them. Are women aware of their thoughts and actions during this time? Or is this a brief period of psychosis? My wife is not violent or overly mean towards me, I believe she turns it inwards. She has mentioned her concerns of "am I going crazy" and the like. I just need help to better understand.
I hope a guy posting on this site is okay... believe it or not I don't think I will get the answers I search for from men.

Stop laughing...

[Ladii]

Hi Floundering, First of all, I think you're one step ahead of the game. The fact that you went out of your way to research and confront her with empathy about her PMDD, is exactly what you needed to do. If you hadn't, I would have recommended it so good for you for playing it smart. Secondly, I'm glad she's taking the appropriate steps in talking with a counsellor and gyn because I was just recommended to do just that (tonight). I also think it would be a good idea if you attended some of these sessions so you can better understand the disorder as well.

"Psychosis" .. ya, that pretty much sums it up. I (may) have PMDD. As I've said in a different thread, people generally know me as that calm, patient and kind person. When I'm "PMSing" (particularly the few days before my period) I feel like I'm crazy. I get angry over the smallest things. I'm irritable to sound. I feel like I'm being controlling because I can't seem to control myself at times. Then, once I get my period, I'm back to my calm self.

If you're looking for advice, continue on as you have been. Sort this issue out first. Hopefully your wife will get the relief she needs. When life balances out, then discuss your marriage issues. She may very well feel like you're not supportive to her needs and/or care about what she's going through. She may have developed resentment towards you because of that alone. You're never going to know though until you sort this issue out first. I'm not going to sum up all your problems due to her PMDD. There could be a whole lot of other issues between you .. just take it one day at a time.

Good luck!

[floundering]

thanks for the reply. i have learned that my wife does not intend on working at this relationship. while we were at counseling she fessed up that she was just going so i would eventually give up and throw in the towel. All so that she did not have to feel so guilty about her decision to end the marriage. sad. if you do have pmdd look into the natural supplement 5HPT. it has shown to have better results than things like YAZ or ssri's in a lot of cases. Good Luck!!

[WildChild]

Another thing that can help is diet changes. The Women's Advantage Diet came out years ago and didn't get the attention it should have. Women's bodies go through a lot of hormonal changes every month (so do mens but they usually aren't as pronouced). Diet can be huge in this. PMDD can be a mess. I have a sister who has suffered with it all her life, more accurately the family has suffered and her kids have suffered along with her.

If she isn't willing to work on that or the marriage there isn't much you can do. Try to stay supportive, she may change her mind yet. I find my sis can dump all over someone, cut them off and be back in a day or two as if nothing happened - it's maddening. I ignore it, refuse to feed it and just leave her alone when she gets into it. Another of our sisters worries and tries to placate her - it doesn't seem to help.

[000111]

Hey, it's been a while since you posted this, and I'm wondering "what happened then?".
I suffer horribly from PMDD and I'm destroying my relationship with my boyfriend (and I might be worse that your wife because I get really mean to him), and I think he's thinking about breaking up with me.
Did you guys find anything that helped her? How are you doing?
I must say, you're a wonderful husband to look all that up for her, and try to be understanding. I can see how it can be really hard to understand how a normal person can go "insane" because of something as natural as her period, but for some reason, it happens. I can assure you that whatever she does or says when she's in crisis is NOT what she really means, and it's just a product of a hormone imbalance that makes her brain work in a wrong way. (obviously, there might be something else about your story, but) I told my boyfriend not too long ago that I wanted to break up and that I didn't love him anymore - I might even have said that I never did love him - and although I was feeling that at the moment, it's not the truth at all. I can't imagine life without him, and I love him more than I've ever loved anything or anyone else. Nevertheless, I told him that we should break up, that I didnt love him, and that we were incompatible. But it is, as you said, a brief period of psychosis. Because I know I have this, I try really hard to acknowledge it and try to be better, but the emotions are bigger than be, and I end up doing things I greatly regret later.
So, if she still hasn't figured out how to get better, please be really understanding with the situation, and know that she doesn't mean it (even if she assures you she does half of the month...unless it's all the time, then maybe it's true).
And if you had figured something out, and are happy, please let me know because I'm ruining everything!
Thanks

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Did you tell your boyfriend 00011 that you didn't mean it? That it was PMDD talking?

It's hard to understand a Woman's emotions at the best of times, let alone through PMDD or Menapause...

All we can do as women is find ways to beat it.

I have IBS and I walk... Even with periods and pain, I WALK... And it is hard, it hurts but by the time I get home,with my dog, it's different, it's eased and I believe therefore, it's a sort of cure... We must not look at what we have to go through as gospil rather, find ways to decrease it.

CW

[curious200]

000111, I think you should show your boyfriend this thread. Knowing what another man is going through and hearing everything you just wrote would probably help him understand how you really feel and that you don't mean what you say before your period. I know that being on these forums and listening to other people going through the same thing that I've been going through (for decades) puts things in a lot better perspective and makes it easier to cope!

[kellied]

i have found this thread extremely helpful, especially to hear it from a man's point of view. i am so petrified during my bad times i am going to say something so hurtful to my husband that there will be no going back. how can i say to him that its just the PMDD talking, he doesn't understand. and the honest truth is when i am having my good times i do not mean anything i say to him but i do not expect him to believe me, i mean would i?!!

[000111]

Thanks for the words, Chandlers Wish, I did tell him, but he apparently just doesn't understand and thinks it's "all me" just being mean. I never mean it though, but he just can't handle it (we're on a break now until Dec 3rd when we have couples therapy). I hope I find a way to manage it like you manage your IBS. best wishes!
Thanks too Curious200, I thought about showing this to him, but he's so stubborn to believe that I get irritated because that's the way I am and not my pmdd, that he'd probably think I'm not being sincere. I might give it a shot though, I'm almost at the point where I have nothing to lose. Thanks!

[Sean]

My wife and (mid-thirties) have been together for going on 3 years. Since we first met (over 7 years ago) my wife has struggled with PMDD. She was diagnosed in 2005. #1 the symptoms that you describe are exactly what I experience almost every month. She tells me "she does not think we are compatible and she is not in love with me anymore." She also tells me that "she loves me but she is not in love with me." My wife alsobecomes extremely agitated at times and becomes detached (emotionally and physically) from the relationship. I know this sounds strange but I can actually predict the onset of symptoms as her facial expression, affect, and (believe this) her pupils dilate and eye color darkens. It is very painful to both watch and experience her "wrath" for two weeks out of every month. I used (and sometimes still do) react to it by calling her a and storming out of the room which I know is counterproductive.

We have had our share of issues over the years including an infidelity (mine) as at one point I was so distraugt, depressed and lonely (due to her acute detachment and lack of affection, sex, irritability, agitation that has been going on for years) that I had a very brief encounter. My wife had a bad experience with SSRI's and hormone therapy.
Unfortunately my wife does not believe in therapists as she thinks that: a. I would control the session b. She has had a bad experience in the past from her ex-husband c. She would be just going for me

At this point I feel powerless to what I should do. I love her dearly. Any advice?