my husband says he doesn't remember ... someone help me

[tashac]

I feel like I just woke up in a bad movie, really need some advice...

My husband has had troubles in the past when drinking. Usually we have a wonderful life with little to no problems, however, it has all just spiraled out of control.

It all stared at my three year olds Birthday party. My brother and sister in-law had come over, my mom and some close friends. My brother and sister in law are incredibly heavy drinkers, however, we have asked them not to bring hard alcohol into our home. Without my knowledge they brought a few bottles along. Needless to say while I was busy with the children and the birthday I returned to discover my husband was falling down drunk, upset of course I was angry. I didn't say too much cause he was already at the crazy arguing point.

Everything seemed alright everyone went home, I asked my brother and sister-in-law to leave, but it didn't end there. My husband became crazily angry at me and really just argued with himself about things that made no sense, we all know one can't reason with somebody that drunk.

He left in his truck, I tried to stop him but it angered him to the point that I was scared, I decided that I couldn't stop him and prayed he would be alright. By rights I should have called the cops, but I was scared cause I am a stay at home mom and he is a truck driver and our only source of income.

I was relieved when he arrived back an hour and a half later. Upset that he could drive hoped that he didn't kill anyone and worried about what he did to me and what our daughter.

It didn't end there two days later the mother of the children who were at the Birthday party called me to tell me my husband came to her house and tried to have sex with her. She said she pushed him away and he left. He did kiss her, although she said he was rubbing her back and she took him to the bedroom where he apparently tried to have sex with her and kissed her. She told me he said not to tell me.

I confronted him immediately and he swears he wasn't there, although he also tells me he didn't go anywhere. Is it possible he doesn't remember. I can't get past how he wronged me and that even in that state that he would want to have sex with another woman.

We were planning to start trying to have a third baby I was planning to go of Birth control, actually today my pills run out. He is excited and thinks we are going to start trying, I am so so so hurt I don't know what to feel.

We have talked about it now for an entire week, he has cried cried and tried to re assure me, but now he wants everything normal and I am having such a hard time living my life. Even getting dressed I am finding hard.

On top of it all the friend promised not to tell, however, I received another phone call from my sister, who heard from her friend (who works with my friend) that she is telling everyone at her job and using my name. I am so hurt I have asked her to just leave me alone for awhile. I am not angry at her over him going there, but I am so hurt by her telling and so upset that he went there in the first place. I do know he also went to my sister and brother in laws house as well, but I truly believe he went to my friends house too.

Any advice anyone????????

He has promised me not to drink, but he has promised me this before, although it has never been this bad.

So scary cause I quit my job based on trusting him, combined my life savings and had children. I just don't know what to do or feel. Until now I wanted a third baby more than anything I was truly happy, now I feel unloved and scared.

[Debra]

It disgusts me to think that your flesh and blood brother and his wife would break a very important rule in your house. I can only imagine your emphasis on that rule given your husband's history with alcohol. Were you upset with them as well??

An alcoholic lives day to day resisting that temptation. I'm not saying that your husband has no power in this situation, he certainly does! What I'm stating is that alcohol to him is like a child in a candystore. Sure, you can tell them to look but don't touch....but how many of us ever followed that rule growing up??

What your husband did is WRONG. He may very well not remember the whole sex ordeal. Alcoholics do tend to black out and not remember anything while being drunk. That is not an excuse! He did what he did, and he has apparently apologized for it over and over again. Now, I think the right thing for him to do is to show you he's sorry by truly avoiding alcohol. Remember, you have children involved in this, so keep in mind what YOUR breaking point is. When is enough enough?

You can beat a dead horse, but what good will it do? I'm not saying what he did is right, I'm merely suggesting that we view options to address the issues now, which are: loss of trust, depression, and a sense of chaos.

Loss of trust is something that should be rebuilt given enough time. Give him a chance to prove himself. Let's face it, your trust wasn't built over night, nor in a matter of minutes.

I would also address an anger you should have with your brother and his wife. How dare they bring alchohol in your house when it was clearly a rule that they shouldn't do so in the first place!

It sounds as if you're depressed. Certainly this situation could add to this depression. If it just came on as soon as this whole ordeal happened, then I would suggest trying to resolve the emotional issues surrounding your husband. I have a feeling that when you resolve that then the depression may start fading. If not, then please see a professional!!!

Do NOT try to bring another baby into this right now. You are right by not wanting to. You need to resolve the issues at hand and then you can move on from there.

Lastly, if you choose to leave your husband, you are not LOCKED in. You can find a job (seems as though the economy is turning around.) Never feel like you don't have any other option than to stay in an unhappy marriage. I'm a big advocate for staying married, but if you're truly unhappy and he hasn't changed, then by all means get out of it.

My advice is just an opinion on what I would do if I were in your situation. I wish you the best and hope that you come to some understanding as to what you should do. Best of luck!

[Debra]

Sorry for the random response, it's a tough situation and complex! I wanted to address some of the issues involved...and did it randomly, sorry about that!

[tashac]

Thank you for your reply.

To clarify, it was my sister and her husband, I might not have worked that correctly. I am disgusted with both of them, although I know that he is the one who is responsible for his own actions.

I truly wonder if he does remember or doesn't. But I can't help feeling that if he does or doesn't it is truly still a huge huge wrong against me. I used to always believe marriage wise I could get through anything as long as I knew my husband loved me. Now of course I know he loves me, but in my eyes any type of sexual advances or acts with another woman was always a deal breaker. Good thing they didn't have sex but needless to say can't quite get over the fact that he drove there and initiated it.

Do you think I acted correctly towards my friend in the situation?

My husband has promised me that I will never ever see that drinking side of him again. I am scared cause part of me feels like I am waiting for it to happen again. I feel like the relationship is broken. I am trying to trust and I loved my life, it just doesn't feel real anymore.

I have never suffered depression before, just started since all this, I am strong enough to pull out of it, it just is extremely a hard one to face for me.

Job wise just scary cause I went from being an independent woman who could pay her own bills to completely dependant and I did it for our children because I trusted him.

I just can't see how someone could drive do things and not remember and how one could do something so wrong unless it was already a though that was just acted on because of being drunk ... if that makes sense.

Thank you for your advice.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

although she said he was rubbing her back and she took him to the bedroom where he apparently tried to have sex with her and kissed her.

needless to say can't quite get over the fact that he drove there and initiated it.

Firstly, the people to blame in my opinion is your sister and brother-in-law.. They knew the rules, broke them as they are alcoholics, assisted your husband in their scheme because lets face it, alcoholics like someone else to get drunk with them, so they can all laugh and have fun.

Secondly, you say he intiated it? Um.. Okay, he drove to their house, then to hers, maybe that was based on something said at "their house?"... After all, you kicked them out and thirdly, "she took him into her bedroom and let him kiss her"... WHY?

You don't seem to see that part of it?

He could have simply rubbed her shoulders, as he would have done you, he was peeved at you, she obviously had some words to say like " don't worry about it, it will all be okay tomorrow". But, WHY, did SHE take HIM into the bedroom? Then has the nerve to ring you and tell you?

Something doesn't add up here in my books.

CW

[Hopeless Dork]

If you try to get pregnant right now, you will be putting yourself in an even more vulnerable position to deal with his increasingly troublesome behavior. I think you would be served well to wait , at least 6 months to a year to see if he can get a handle on his drinking.

I don't think what he did was in any way unforgivable. It was hurtful and it all could have ended even worse. When he takes off drunk in a huff that way all of your lives and/or the lives of some strangers driving down the road opposite of him could change forever in an instant.

My father was an alcoholic for many years and he didn't give it up until he had damaged his body so much it was his life or the bottle, thankfully he made the right choice and managed to quit drinking and has touched booze for over 25 years.

People quit all the time, sometimes it takes something that almost ruins their life to get them to see how badly it needs to stop. This night with your husband is one of those incidents that might be catalyst for a much needed change.

I believe that its okay to forgive a person for what they have done when they were so very drunk they can't remember what happened - but if they know drinking could lead to them doing such terrible things and not remember and then CONTINUE to drink anyway -- well then they are just using alcohol as a "get out of responsability" card.

You can keep reliving the nights events and making yourself sick with the what ifs, and this lady spreading it about town is certainly not making it any easier for you. But in the end.. he didn't do it.

Yes she told him no, but you don't know, won't know , can't know if he would have gone through with it himself. If she had said yes, maybe at some point he would have said "i can't do this" and left. You'll never know. But it doesn't do you any good to keep thinking about it. You can't re-write that night, neither can he.

Just like how he made it safely home that night, lots of bad things could have happened. They didn't. Perhaps this all won't be for nothing and that he has learned what his drinking in excess could lead to and decide he doesn't want to have to pick up the peices of what he shattered when he can't even remember what he broke.

Keep your chin up, don't worry about the busy bodies and their gossip... they are obviously unhappy and probably don't get cable if they need to feed on someone elses pain in this way. And please don't think a baby will change him at this point, the others didn't... let him show you in days and weeks and even months sober that he is not going to do something like this again before you go through with trying to get pregnant - just my 2 cents!

[Debra]

Tashac,

Both CW and HD have some valid points. In the end, only you know what you need to get done and only you can do it. Mainly, I just wanted to bring up some points that maybe you didn't see or just wanted to shed some more light on those points.

I know that working is a scary option especially after being a stay at home mom. It's a hard road to take when you have little ones to take care of and I just wanted to let you know that it is do-able. There are many women out there who are single parents and their kids grow up to be functional, healthy individuals! Never feel trapped in a relationship. Just remember that you are STILL that independant woman and that the only thing that's changed is you having had kids.

A lot of hurt has happened. True, your husband did not sleep with your so-called friend, but nevertheless, I would have been hurt if my husband did the same thing. I don't think it's fair of anyone to tell you to get over it, or it's no big deal. The implication is there and there needs to be time in order for you to forgive and move on. Allow yourself, and your husband time to heal your relationship. Be patient, and ask the same of him. Time, time, time....it will eventually heal if he truly wants to make a change.

Chin up, think of your kids, go day by day, and allow yourself to slowly but surely forgive.

[tashac]

Thank you for all the advice and you have helped me so much I can't even express how happy I am to have found this site, I feel so much better just hearing others perspectives, it is so hard to look at things rationally when in the situation.

I think I can forgive my husband. In time hopefully he proves he will not drink again.

I don't think I can forgive my friend, sharing it with her co-workers and my family finding out because of her makes me think she never was my friend. Also makes me doubt her story and why she took him to the bedroom. Not that I blame her cause he went there but I am just unsure.

My sister and brother-in-law I am incredibly hurt by, I may never trust her the same, I feel my sister should be more respectful and worried about myself and the children. They are continuing to invite my husband out for drinks and wanting him to get drunk on my brother-in-laws birthday which I am quite angered about. Happy to say my husband has said no and today joined a baseball team for the summer inorder to do more productive things with his time so I am very happy with his efforts so far.

Love this site, it is so amazing, to find such amazing people helping each other!!!!

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Sounds to me a little jealousy going around... Your Sister, if an alcoholic, is going to be depressed with her hangovers, and life.. And, yet sees you with a good life, and so maybe wants to ruin that, after all she really started all of this by bringing the alcohol that night and continuing the "party" afterwards.

Your friend is "definately" not a friend and again I am going with jealous as well... Seems that she is doing everything out of her power really, to break the relationship up, taking him into the bedroom and then telling the world and you.

It's time to view your true friends I think and disregard those whom just want to bring you down to their level.

Your husband I suspect simply got caught up in it all and at least he is moving in all the right directions.

The only revenge here in my books ( and I don't believe in revenge) but, in as much as keeping the colours white, not grey, is to continue being happy with your life, youdr husband and both work towards each other and diss those in your life that are trying to bring it crashing down.

CW

[WildChild]

You know it's not enough for him to promise not to drink. He needs help. He needs to be in an alcoholic recovery program. And as for the friend, think about it, if Her drunk husband showed up at your house would you take him into your bedroom? Something wrong with that story?!