Growing apart from 17 yr old daughter :(

[caligirl71]

My daughter and I have been close for along time, but over the past few months she has began to make some bad decisions, hanging out with wrong people, making bad choices with partying, lying about her whereabouts, stealing our car in the middle of the night, ditching school etc... This is very hard for me. She has also just started her first real relationship where the I love you's are being said and sex is of conversation. With all this going on my husband was laid off in Jan and couldnt find a job locally so had to take a job in another state. She graduates in May and hubby is staying there working while the kids finish school out here, hopefully in the mean time finding something local and coming home once a month. If we end of having to move this summer she says she isnt coming with. She turns 18 in Sept. Im devastated. I dont think she is ready to be on her own, but I have no choice. She is in love with this boy and lately he is the only thing that matters.
I have invested all my energy into being a good mother and putting my children first. We always talked about being close our whole lives and now she is just ready to throw it all away and stay here for this boy. She wants me to leave her here as a minor and go on with out her.
Im so sad and really Im having a hard time with accepting the fact of her not being in my life.
I know that all kids grow up and leave the nest and it must be so hard for every parent, I did it to my mom and she has resented me since I left and we havent had a relationship since and thats been over 17 years.
I wont resent my daughter for wanting to live her own life Im just so sad that she can so easily see me not in her life and she seems so okay with it.

Any advice, I need it.. thanks

[Kez]

Hi
I think the best place to start is with your relationship with your own mother. Is it possible to go to your mother, sit down, and tell her you are sorry for the pain you caused her 17 years ago? Ask her what it was like for her and listen closely to her. Don't expect to tell her your story first. Really work on getting to understand her and the effect your actions have had on her.
Only after you have established a good relationship with her, and you are laughing and hugging, can you ask to come back another time and tell her what has led you to be more compassionate to her.
Ask her permission. Make it a different day.
Celebrate your mom. She'll not be there forever. And, in doing that, your daughter just might get interested, especially if it's not about her. hehe
Love
Kez

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Have to say I agree with Kez, in as much as it appears that you have given up on ever getting close again to your own Mother.. That is an issue in itself, took me 10 years, but I broke through but understanding why she did what she did and in fact she didn't do anything wrong, it just wasn't the way I saw things, as kids go.

Therefore, that's the same as your relationship, off course at her age she is going to want to be with friends, and the new boy is well, her love, her life, at this stage ,you are a Mum.

You have to be a "mate" kind of like a "sister" and start communicating in that fashion I think.

Tonight, my Mother rang me, she is 70, she had a Doctor's appointment today, Cancer and fortunately, a cut here, a cut there, a paste there and a bit of this and that and she will be fine, but she used the f work my Mother? lol and so therefore, so did I and therefore, she said don't swear and therefore, we laughed.

The thing I am pointing out is at some stage, we fly from the nest, it's life.

At no point, do we stop becoming family.

She is a little adult and as such, you have to go from being a Mum, in someways to being a mate, she will always stay in touch with a "cool mum" or "dad", because you can relate to them now, not the 10 year old you helped with a bandaid but a little mature girl who can talk to mum about sex, everything.

It's hard to swap over.

I actually can talk to my Mum about anything and that's what she wants,but once upon a time, I could not.. and that was for a long time...

Sometimes, what I am saying is you have to still be a parent and offer advice, but change to being a friend... her best friend.

That works for kids that are working out all the mistakes they are about to make in their life and will continue to do until they probably reach 30's maybe even 40's... they then see a wise soul, what they need when younger, is a young soul.

CW