I brood and obsess over little things - need advice.

[happy ending]

Like the title says, i tend to brood and obsess over little things. especially, when i see myself as unfairly treated. for example i was on a committee until recently and there was a member who tended to dominate things, all the others would complain to me behind her back, but it was left to me to stand up to her, and noone would back me up, so i quit. But i just cant leave it alone - i thing about what i should have said etc etc. and this happens all the time. someone is rude or snubs me or whatever and i think it over and over in my mind. i will wake up in the night and stew over it and drive my boyfriend mad by talking about it over and over. i drive myself mad too. anyway i am hoping someone has a book, self help cd or something that can help me. i can lose sleep over the smallest incident and it can feed into my anxiety and panic.

Please help me. i am usually quite a happy easy going person, but for this. so any suggestions gratefully accepted.

thank you

[CHANDLERS WISH]

K...

So you have an urgency to solve, be perfect, get it right, because of the past...

Yet, what they saw as strength they are cowards, and instead of standing next to you they ran.

You are strong, but they are weak.

CW

[happy ending]

i know its very annoying, this woman hates me because she thinks i'm out to get her, but its only because everyone else agrees to her face but complains like mad when she's not around. but i wont to stop obsessing over trifles. its not like it matters a lot in the scheme of things. i put a lot of work into this committee as i was the treasurer, but now instead of thanking me for what i did, they seem made because i'm not doing it anymore - if you know what i mean. but i do this a lot. the obsessing i mean.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

But happy ending, is that not jealousy? You put alot into this and she is a rival? Well i THINK the other rely on you but can't speak as they well can't but rely on you that you can... yes it makes sense but they can't thank you, because if they could have done what they asked you to do, they would have and would not have needed you , make sense?

Leaving is quitting get yourself back in there woman.............

I know what your talking about, but that is cause people believe in you, you just have to do the same.

Get that bit?

CW

[happy ending]

its not that simple, she is rude to me, ignores me at meetings and has shouted at me in front of people, although she is a paid employee and i am her boss. i get no support from the other committee members, now she is trying to get her daughter a job there, even though we have to advertise etc as her daughter lives elsewhere and we have unemployed locals that would be interested. the last committee was so horrible i actually left to throw up. i know she is a super cow, but i am actually more upset with my fellow committee members that know what she is doing but did nothing about it. i find that dispicable - now that i am gone, i figure they will either have to do something or let her walk all over them. it isnt my problem anymore.

[sienna]

Sounds like you have a workplace bully. The only way to stop her is to stand up to her. Conflict resolution wont' help because she will manipulate the situation to suit herself. I know how you feel having been there, done that. I didn't have the personality for confrontation and I ended up leaving. If you are her boss, then you should have the power to take her aside quietly and tell her that she is out of line and it won't be tolerated. If she continues, then start the dismissal process.

The other alternative is to leave and move on.
I was taught a very useful phrase that has helped me heaps. 'Not what if, but what is.' Obsessing will get you nowhere so stop playing the what if? game. Start with what is. and go from there.

[WildChild]

As usual I have a couple books to recommed, Women Don't Ask, by Linda Babcock and Sara Laschever, is excellent and then, Getting to Yes, by Roger Fisher and Willian Ury. Throw in, What to Say When You Talk to Yourself by Shad Helmstetter.

Women are verbal processors, what you are doing isn't unusual at all. It's part of how you are trying to learn from and assimilate what happened. However, men don't do this too much - not generally. So you may be better off talking it through with a female freind, one who isn't in the situation and who's discretion you can trust. My best freind and I do this, one will call the other and say, I need to talk, I have to get this out, can I have your ear for a little while? We let each other talk it out, ask brief questions, get the other to fill in the blanks and we each try not to judge but to help the other find clarity. It works. If you don't have someone you can do that with, try writing it out. Examining differnt ways you could have handled it, different way you could have said things, may help you the next time a situation arises. I've read sales and management training materials that recommend doing this!

I a lot of trouble arises when women try to function from a "masculine" thinking perspective. We've been brought up with the firm belief that men have been and are doing it "right". Yeah, right, that's why everything runs so great!? Really there was a pretty biting article in Forbes not long ago that came right out and said the financial melt down was a result of too much male brain thinking. We need a more balanced, integrated approach, we need women in there! BUT we women have to work as women not male constructs or imitations. This is a challenge and the only thing tougher to deal with than the old boys network, is the psudo boys network of women.

Can you ask this woman out for a drink, tea, lunch? See if you can find some common ground? Get to know her a bit better and then tell her simply you have a job to do, she is there to help get it done. Tell her you appreciate her skills, experience, talent (whatever it is, if it's true). Ask her, phrase it carefully, not for her to tell you what to do but what she sees as the needs or goals, tell her you want to clearly see what her perceptions are. Presumably as the boss, you have info she doesn't, some perspective she doesn't, a broader understanding of the goals and needs. Often employees see only a little slice of what is going on. She needs to understand that you are working on a much broader vision. You may have to gently (or more bluntly) tell her that her approach is creating problems and could result in her needing "retraining" for better communication or people skills. As the boss you need to determine everyone's strengths and weaknesses and facilitate gettting the most of their strengths while ensuring their weaknesses do as little damage as possible.

In the meantime, you should work on your skills with group leadership. The old business models are falling away and women are helping that happen. An oldie but a goodie, is Growing a Business by Hawken. He saw it coming years ago and he and his partner Smith embraced it when they created Smith and Hawken.

Women are communicators and often very good at reading people. That is or can be a huge help for you but you have to use it to your advantage. How can you make this woman your ally? I'm guessing she is older and you may find her somewhat imtimidating? (sorry I'm not remembering how old you are) Remember that can work both ways. She may have had struggles in life and business and fear being cut out and left by the road side so to speak.

Many of us older women have dealt with things that younger women just don't understand and that is as it should be. We fought some battles and helped wrought some change, it still going on and there is a long way to go. I delight that girls in school now are shocked to learn that when women my age were school age there were no real girls athletics programs, that girls couldn't "letter", that I had to fight to take a drafting or shop class! Their surprise and disbelief is evidence of the change that had occured in just a few decades. If you can get this woman on your side, she may be a real asset to you, if you can't you may have to let her go.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

So you are a volunteer? She gets paid? And if you left, then she maybe is then the boss and can bring her daughter over, plan accomplished....

There is only one alternative, higher up...

And, she gets fired and everyone is happy.

But only you know if that can all pan out.

CW

[happy ending]

no she is younger but very very abrasive, the thing i also didnt mention is that she is the head policeman's wife, she totally dominates him. and her husband has been know to target people that upset his darling wife. she is also one of these people who is always reporting people to say child welfare and whatever, she also makes up terrible lies about people. writing all this down, i realise that she is probably mentally ill. thanks for the advice on the books wild child. i cant fix her but can have a good go at changing my attitude!

[happy ending]

just to thank everyone for their advice, i am a bit clueless sometimes and am healing my life about the marriage from !! i sometimes think i would go crazy without this forum - so big hugs to you all!