Virgin; avoiding sex, but does it hurt him?

[88eyeballs]

Hello;

I have somewhat of a complicated problem. I'm 19 and dating a guy who has gender issues. He wants to be female yet he is very masculine. This conflict does not bother me at all right now, but my own limits seem to be making things difficult.

I am a virgin, he is not, and we are very attracted to each other but I do not want to give up my virginity at this point in my life. He understands and is very respectful, but sometimes our urges take over, especially him. We have not had sex because I have been very clear about my limits. He says one of the reasons he wants to be female is because his sexual urges make him feel physically terrible, even to the point of crying (this is before he met me, so this part is not my fault). I have had to cut him off a number of times so we don't go too far, and he has had to restrain himself as well. He has told me that if the male body does not get what it wants, it will 'get angry' in a manner of speaking and cause him/men in general to feel horrible. Does it really hurt them? I know he is not doing this to pressure me into sex. I feel terrible about putting him through this kind of suffering, but I do not want to compromise my virginity. Is there anything at all I can do that can help him feel better??

This is especially hard for me because I have never been in a relationship before (yes, I know I'm a bit old to not have had a relationship; but I've been too busy for one and I am extremely picky).

[WildChild]

Sounds a bit confusing and like something of a mess but, Sorry I've never understood this. What is so great about virginity?

[88eyeballs]

I agree - I personally think keeping virginity is a disadvantage, sexist, and primitive. However, I was raised to think otherwise. I was also raised, however, to fear regret. Though my opinions about virginity go against how I was raised, my fear of regret remains a huge part of my life. Right now virginity doesn't matter to me, but I don't want to regret it later in life if that should change for whatever reason. I'm also a 'pack rat' and hang on to everything I own--so in that sense, since I have 'virginity,' I'm not really keen on giving it up right now, simply because it's something I 'have'--even if that's materialistic. But otherwise I totally agree about not understanding the value of it. I just don't want to have regrets later on.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

He wants to be female yet he is very masculine

It sounds to me that he distastes, the thought and look and feeling of an erection and wants that gone and one way to do so off course is via sexual intercourse, the after math, gone.

Yet in the same breathe, very masculine thoughts, urges and desire for you.

His issues are going to remain, through this total confusion and he will get angrier I think.

Maybe you should take steps back way back, and not have intimacy because I can see him getting very depressed, whilst you seem to be handling staying a Virgin well.

He is already expressing that he gets angry and what you need to consider is how angry he gets, just that once, when you say no and he ignores.

Just my thoughts.

CW

[88eyeballs]

It sounds to me that he distastes, the thought and look and feeling of an erection and wants that gone and one way to do so off course is via sexual intercourse, the after math, gone.

That is a very liable point you have made--and that helps me to understand quite a bit better. But as far as 'angry' goes, I didn't mean that he gets angry--rather, I meant that from what he tells me, not satisfying the urges he has in his words "makes his body angry at him," I'm guessing meaning that it causes him great discomfort (he also mentions getting headaches from it too). He is not aggressive; he gets rather pathetic when he is going through this actually and it makes me feel terrible for him. I know he is not using this manipulatively.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

The difficulty you have is he is basically stating he is a female trapped in a man's body.. however, being a man, he gets urges and still would be more than happy to release those urges correct... His body isn't "angry" at him, he is angry because his body is male and has male urges... ALL men can relieve themselves when this urge arises can they not and as such, feel relief he is getting angry that he has this urge and this anger makes him cry...

Okay, so you feel that he is passive, pathetic, girly, whimpish, etc, etc,...

Are you sure you are not personally feeling "safe" to be with this person because he really is feminine?

This is the point I am making because he does have desires you have stated you both go too far, almost, in short of it all.

His body is acting like a mans, in short.

Where will this relationship take you do you think?

Or is it that really you two should be best friends?

Just another thought, as I do.. no offense to be taken, rather things for you to think about.

When you do deside that the essense of yourself should be expressed with love, is this the person you would?

Or, would it be with someone you fall madly in-love with and can see family, children?

Or is it just when you feel it to be right, regardless of who the person has and their future 20 years down the track, as a female, finally.

I think all things should be thought out.

As, for are you hurting him?

It is his choice to be with you.. It is his choice to fool around with you.. It is his choice...

So no you are not, rather this is something that he is trying to find within himself, and that you are a Virgin, there are many boys that would be pleased to hang about but usually, it is because they want future, marriage, with that lady, whom no one has touched, as to their logical reason of waiting.

CW

[Hopeless Dork]

Could he not "passify" his own urges after the two of you fool around? Or are you comfortable with doing other acts to help him accomplish this goal that don't involve penetrating your vagina? There are dozens of ways he can achieve orgasm even if he has to do it alone, but if you guys are in love and the thought doesn't bother you.. have you considered satisfying each other in other manual , oral or self pleasuring in close proximity ways?

[88eyeballs]

Chandlers Wish - Thanks so much for your wisdom--I think you are definitely right about things here.

Perhaps it is something I will never fully understand with this case in particular, but he is not girly or passive or anything one would generally think a 'female trapped in a male body' would be. He just seems to become a bit victimized by his male urges, and victimized to the point of wishing he was female. Other than that he does not give any impressions that he is unhappy being male--there are so many typical male things about him: loves video games, guns, martial arts/fighting etc.--all those typical male things (not that girls can't like that stuff either). It's all very confusing; but the more I think about what you mentioned, CW, the more I think you're right.

===

Hopeless - I thought the same thing about 'passifying', and he seemed to either not think of it or not seem to see that as a desirable activity (which further suggests what CW said about him not liking the look/feel/thought of an erection). I'm happy to try anything that does not involve penetrating my vagina except oral and anal--I don't feel comfortable with either of those personally. Probably just teenage insecurity. To tell the truth, due to my inexperience I actually don't know any of the dozens of ways he can achieve orgasm without actual intercourse. There's probably an easy way to find out about it though--what might that be? I've considered manual and I may try that next time if I don't decide to take steps back.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

I am worried about your statement " In this case in particular" ... It's almost like a story line, to ascertain information for self.

Never mind.. He can masterbate there are not a dozen ways, rather one... Masterbation to relieve...

Again, using your hand will help but again, you are needing to see, whom you are with and a future or not.

Leaving it at that...

At this stage.

CW

[88eyeballs]

I am worried about your statement " In this case in particular" ... It's almost like a story line, to ascertain information for self.

I'm sorry, but I'm not exactly sure what you mean by this - are you saying that I shouldn't be so concerned with his personal confusion? I feel obligated to help him though, as a friend, and I'm usually good at understanding people; and the fact that I don't fully understand him makes me frustrated and feel like I can't help him, thus failing at being a good friend. If that's not what you meant, I guess I don't know what you meant by that.

On the other hand, I suppose my difficulty thinking ahead in this case is some kind of displaced result of my own urges, and I should try to clear my head and use reason--such as thinking about the future more than the moment. I'm usually good at this, too, which is extra frustrating to realize that my reason is being clouded. This has never happened before. Also, I've never been in even a casual relationship before so if it isn't too much of a cop-out, I place some blame on that unfortunate fact.