My thoughts arent normal...

[snowangels2]

Long story short, I got out of a 4 year on and off relationship nearly a year ago. I have honestly never loved anyone more in my life... Unfortunately, he was bipolar... a total sociopath. he could basically be a cult leader. Basically, I think I was in love with the idea of him... ANYHOW. After an amazing vacation together, we got home and that was it. zip. nada. nothing. I saw him a month later down town, but thats it. I havent spoken with him at all. He completely ignored me and I have no idea why... Now I'm at this point where I feel like I dont have any closure. I ended up seeing a therapist (who didnt help at all) because of the thoughts I have about it all. I have crazy crazy thoughts. Hurting myself, hurting him...badly... just AWFUL things. I feel like I will be ok for a while, then all of the studden something comes up and I cant get it off of my brain. I will dwell on it all day.. cry... I become completely useless. I feel anxious. I dont quite know what is wrong with me and why I cant just let this (EDITED) go. Tonight I was laying in bed with my current boyfriend (who is incredible in every possible way), and I couldnt stop thinking about my ex. I started crying so finally I just snuck out of bed and got onto here (thus the reason for the rambling... sorry). I just feel like the only way i'd ever get over him is if I wasnt alive. and then theres the stupid feeling that maybe he'd actually feel something if he knew it happened because of him. And I know thats the most ridiculous thing ever. When I'm thinking rationally I know its stupid. But when these feelings come over me, I just dont know how to handle them. How is it possible for me to keep hanging on after this long? I feel like he broke me. Any words of encouragement at this point would be nice ha... if you feel like reading into the story at all - check out my blogs on myspace. my email is snow_angels at hotmail if you want to find me on there.

[sourpuss]

I know that nagging 'closure' feeling. It really stinks. I think it would be a good idea to find a different therapist, keep shopping around until you find one you click with.
Just talking to someone who is completely neutral on the situation can do wonders.

When I have gone through things like that in the past I try to take my focus off of trying to get closure from someone who I will never get it from and focus more myself.
What purpose does this experience have for you? What are you supposed to learn from this? Try to be grateful that you've been handed a situation that will make you grow as a person and make you stronger for the next challenge life hands you.

[snowangels2]

I am thinking about it... the thing is - she constantly wanted to talk about my past. (yes, i had a (EDITED) up childhood), but thats not what I was there for. I pretty much settled that stuff years ago. I dont think it would be a bad idea to give it another go.

i've definitely tried to see the positive in this situation... but for some reason, i really cant. basically the only thing i've gotten is 'dont ever be vulnerable'. I used to be pretty tough emotionally... I never let anyone really get to me. And he came along and broke down my barriers... and for the first time i felt really...really weak. and I hate that. And in a sense I try to think of that as the positive (i used to get nagged at for being too 'boy like' in my emotions)... however, I hate feeling what I'm feeling. and if gaining vulnerability is the only positive.... I dont think its worth it.

I just wish I could figure out what happened. On the other hand, does it really matter? Even if I did know, I dont think I could turn around and go... oh. ok. i feel much much better now I would probably just dwell on what a silly reason it is ha. Theres just so much crappy history. On one hand, I've never had anyone make me laugh as much as he did, make me as happy as he did, make me as vulnerable, as interested in every department etc.. but he did awful things. he slept with my friends, he lied constantly... and somehow, he always managed to convince me that it didnt happen or something was my fault etc. and i never questioned it (even though i knew he was lying)... but i was so afraid of losing him that i didnt bother pushing the issue because i knew he'd run. I just want to slap myself for being so ridiculous. Everything in my head tells me hes a complete jerk. and i have NO clue why... but I cant let him go. BAH.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

He controlled you, manipulated you, he was never yours, he went with others, and then blamed you, you kept trying therefore to "win", and then he walked, never to let you know why, continuation of control and manipulation.

If he was to come back today, you'd probably ditch this guy your with who i imagine is "not" controlling, manipulative, and is yours, for him...

Because you always want what you can't have, you didn't succeed... achieve... and so you want to...

How does that sound?

Ahh... in addition when someone doesn't tell you why, you continually wonder.

Sourpuss is right however, you need to grow from it, and see where you are now with this guy and where you "could" have been, down the road with the other guy, married whilst he constantly cheated, gave you a disease, blamed you and accused you of cheating, left you with a child, never helped pay for bills... etc, etc... he was BAD NEWS.

You need to only see one thing " that your are LUCKY" that you are out of it.

CW

[snowangels2]

CW - youre completely right. and right now... in the morning...im thinking rationally and i know that 100% im MUCH better off. i dont think i could have ever handled living with his manipulating mannerisms. it just drove me crazy. its just wierd though... because sometimes i do go into these mini panic attacks and drive myself absolutely nuts. (and no, i wasnt drinking last night). the strangest things tend to set it off.

but again - i do know that he is the WORST possible choice for me. I am actually lucky that he broke it off because i know i never wouldve, and I wouldve been very unhappy for a long time. Its just interesting.... all of my friends (girls and guys) LOVE him. and he gets people to do things for him that they would never normally do (even guys). people practically beg him to be friends with them. afterward theyre like holy ... why did i do that? he just has this strange power over people. its almost scary hah..

I guess I just need more time. I just hate getting myself all worked up. my thought process freaks me out. I'm in forensics, so everything I think of is ridiculously detailed. its not just like... i want to punch him in the face. i wont go into it, but I'm sure you know what i mean. and I know i'd never do it. ever. but that doesnt stop it from freaking me out.

AND - youre right. the current boy is completely amazing. super truthful, genuine, supportive etc. Its just different. I think what I'm lacking is those super highs and lows (which arent in my life now THANK GOODNESS)... but my brain is just registering dullness. sorry... im a strange girl.

[WildChild]

I'm a big fan of journaling. Start writing, get some of this out of your system. Having done that so your thoughts are a little more organized, sit down and write as if to him about how you feel, get it out and on to paper. Then write as if it is coming from him - what you want to hear from him.

Take all that and burn it. Let it go with the smoke.

Write your forgiveness. You forgive and you move on. You don't have to send it, unless you really want to. This is about letting go and reclaiming yourself not about drawing him into a dialog.

Start writing regularly. What is good about this new guy? What is good about you and your life, what happened today and how did you feel about it? This will give you an outlet for your feelings, a chance to examine them without dumping them all over someone else. Often we get hyper emotional under stress and say things that would have been better left alone because almost as soon as they leave our lips we release them and they lose their importance, except having put them on someone else, we still have to deal with it. Writing it gives you time to think a bit and clarify to yourself. I think you'll find it a big help.

[snowangels2]

Wildchild - I agree... I love to write, and often when I do write, its a HUGE stress release. I think lately I just havent had the time... (im finishing up my masters). But maybe I need to MAKE the time. I actually did write him a letter about two years ago.. it was a good-bye type letter. Oddly, we ended up playing games for 2 more years ha. I usually dont vent to my friends about these sorts of things because i'm afraid theyll think I'm nuts ha. (again, most people see me as fairly emotionless when it comes to love). I used to be a major cutter and that was my release... but I've quit drugs/cutting etc etc and I think thats why i suddenly just get super overwhelmed with my thoughts.

I've actually never tried writing a letter 'from him'. I think it is a really interesting idea though. I just might have to try it! Thank you so much for your reply.

This is just if you feel bored... its the letter I wrote him a few years back. Granted, after this is when we actually got really close/were together every day etc, plus the whole road trip/meeting family/ ignoring episode. but oddly enough, the same sort of feelings apply.

I've never been any good at expressing my feelings, and I'm not exactly sure how to start my primarily incoherent ramblings which are about to take place... so i'll just start from the beginning.

I remember the first time I ever saw you. (Creepy? haha hopefully not too much). Two and a half years ago, I was with my friend Tyler at liquid planet, sipping away on my chai tea as I spotted this beautiful boy from across the room. I mentioned this finding to him, and he nodded in agreement. A few giggles later, I realized I had seen you before online. I later took the opportunity to message you, not knowing the ride I had in store for me.

Before I knew it, I was exchanging emails with this multi faceted individual with a love for puppies and lucky charms, and an intense dislike for GAK and Jennifer Lopez On this end, there was an immediate connection, and I knew I had to meet you.

Our first meeting was at the spot I first laid eyes on you. You showed up and I tried to impress you with my curiosity for rare genetic diseases... (I am a dork). The conversation flowed for hours, spilling outside as they kicked us out. It was freezing outside, but I didn't want the night to end. From that moment on, I was hooked.

I had never met anyone like you. Someone who could make me giggle and smile til my cheeks were sore. Someone who had such a passion for life, and the friends and family within it. Someone who made me want to barf rainbows and butterflies. I thought it would turn into something special. I thought we would be something special.

These emotions continued as I grew to know you. I remember feeling so safe when you held me... it's something I have missed for such a long time. The nights when we layed in bed giggling all night long is something I will always cherish. As I sit here writing this, my head is flooded with memories of the beginning of 'us'. "Mexico"...Mango body butter... lucky charms... the Power Puff toothbrush you bought to keep at my place.. all things I'm sure you've forgotten, yet all things I'll never forget.

I didn't want to sleep with you right away. I wanted you to respect me. I wanted you to think I was worth more than that. I am worth more than that.

After a while, you seemed to fade away. I really had no idea at the time what happened, and tortured myself over it. Things were so unbelievably hot and cold... I never knew what to expect.

I left for summer and we maintained very little contact, but you were still on my mind. As the school year approached, I began thinking more and more about you. When I returned to Missoula, you were one of the first to be contacted. You came to visit me, and those old feelings hit harder than I ever could have imagined. We ended up sleeping together for the first time in August, and just feeling you close to me again made my heart skip a beat.

Two days later I was raped. I no longer felt you on me. I felt disgusting, used, and broken. All I could imagine was him all over me. Inside of me. I had lost you.

You disappeared again until November, when we had another interlude. My hopes were up... However, this feeling wouldn't last long. I didn't hear from you much after that, and I pretended to move on. Unfortunately, make believe doesn't change reality.

I began seeing someone else, and I'm sure you did the same. As things between he and I drew to a close, you began creeping back into my head. Nearly a year after we first slept together, we were back in the same position - and have stayed fairly constant in that since.

In October, I finally got up the courage to tell you how I feel... partially. To avoid being vulnerable - to protect myself - I put everything in past tense. "I used to be head over heels for you" - "I used to...". I said I was over you, but I lied. I never asked why you don't love me - I don't think love or lack thereof can be explained. However, I do recall asking what happened. What made you change your mind about me?

You've noted you thought that because I was not being physical with you, I must have been with someone else, and this is why you backed away. You thought I was a player. Truth be told, I am horrible at commitment - That is, until I find someone worth being with. I wanted to be with you.

Since that night, I have never felt quite comfortable around you. I let you in. I let myself be vulnerable, and, as expected, I got hurt. My mom has always told me not to let myself show that sort of weakness, and I normally don't. I often get blamed for being too insensitive, having walls up, and being unable to communicate. But I took that chance, because I know youre worth it.

I hate not being able to be myself around you anymore. I miss being that fun, spunky girl you first met. I miss "us". I swear that girl is still there, but the akwardness that surrounds that part of me seems to be far more apparent, and I don't know how to change that.

Since then, I think I've overcompensated by being nearly emotionless. We have sex, and that's pretty much all I let on that I'm interested in. I'm too afraid to be lovey with you. Spending the night with you terrifies me (though deep down, all I really want is for you to just hold me afterwards... to show me that I'm more to you than just a convenience). I don't want you to see me as one of those needy girls... I don't want to overstay my welcome... I don't want to show you how weak you make me.

This seems to be getting much longer than expected, so I'll do my best to wrap it up as quickly as possible.

The other night was the first time I was completely honest with you. I'm just upset it had to be in a drunken stupor... but that seems to be the only way I had enough courage to tell you how I've been feeling for the past 2 1/2 years.

You have been my constant. That one person who no matter how many times lets me down, I still keep hanging on. I don't know why I can't seem to shake it - theres just something about you. I'm butt crazy, head over heels in love with you, and I have been since I met you. However, I don't have any false hopes. As I said before, 'make believe doesn't change reality'. I know you'll never feel the same way about me, and I don't tell myself that you do. Wish? Of course - but that won't make it so.

I think one of the most difficult things in this whole process is the fact that I feel like I could give you so much more than anyone ever could - that I could love you so much more than anyone else ever could - and it doesn't change a thing. I know you're seeing someone else right now, and I'd never try to sabatoge that relationship. I want you to be happy. I guess I just would have liked to be the one to make you that way. I just always wonder... why was I not good enough? Why isn't love enough?

I don't expect you to read this and have some sort of epiphany... I actually think I'm writing it more for me than for you. I just figure if I never tell you how I feel exactly, I'll never be able to say "I gave it my all". So that's what I'm doing. I'm giving you my all.

[snowangels2]

Again, another blog (from around the same time as that letter)... if youre really bored, feel free to read it haha. if not - no worries.

It's been quite some time since I posted my last blog, so I apologize in advance for the primarily incoherent sentences im about to string together. A friend inspired me to write this, and I'm sure most of you can relate.

Scenario:

I have this friend...we all have "that friend" (I'm sure I've even BEEN "her")... the one who continuously replays the same destructive story, but from time to time changes the names of the characters. Anyhow, as soon as he messaged me today I knew we would be having "that" conversation. He began by telling me, yet again, about the girl of his dreams (which he broke up with three months ago). Every time we talk, he talks of how it was, then asks me how to get her back...and if he can't get her back, how he can hurt her. "She won't give me the time of day", "How can I get her to love me again?", "I've been working out really hard - I just want to see her so I can show her im better than her". "I just want to hurt her as much as she hurt me". "Maybe if I give it time..."

I could go on, but I'll spare you the pathetic details.

My Response:

GET OVER IT. She broke up with you for a reason, and just because she's had time (probably to realize that it was the best choice shes ever made), doesn't mean shes going to forget the reason she broke it off in the first place. If she's not returning your calls, she obviously doesn't want to talk to you. If you just think she's busy, you're lying to yourself.

YOU CAN'T MAKE SOMEONE LOVE YOU. Forcing someone to love you (or even like you, for that matter) is impossible. You just can't do it. Love is supposed to come naturally, and if it doesn't - it's not real. My whole question is - why would you want to be with someone who doesn't truly want to be with you?

MOMENTS OF WEAKNESS. Even if you were able to coax her back into your life, that doesn't mean she'll stay there. There's a slight chance she might come home with you one night, maybe even for a week, but that isn't going to make the past go away. After the "I missed you" stage is over, you'll go back to the way it was and again, she'll remember why she left in the first place. Sorry to sound harsh - but its true. I'm a firm believer in "once it's done it's done". It didn't work out - move on. I know you might have loved her, and she might have loved you back, but that was before everything went sour. It's like spilling salt in your dinner...you may be able to dust away most of the visible grains, but you'll always be able to taste it. Ok, bad analogy - but you get the idea.

INTENTIONALLY HURTING SOMEONE??? Go play in traffic.


Ok...I've realized that this blog is basically a rant at this point....So I'll get where I'm going...quickly.



My Hypocracy.

As I was sitting there typing, not holding back on how truly pathetic I thought he was, I realized I was a complete and total hypocrite.

For nearly two years I had been playing a similar game (on and off) with a certain someone. I know, deep down inside, he will never love me. I don't even know if he'll ever really LIKE me. But every time he'd call or text, or randomly stop by just to say hello, I'd get all giddy inside and think that maybe there was hope. Hope that maybe, just maybe, if I was pretty enough...funny enough...good enough... he'd give me a chance. When he said he'd stop by, I'd wait up for hours only to find myself disappointed when he never showed. I was pathetic.

When he got a toothbrush to keep at my place, I figured it was because he was actually into me...now I'm starting to think he just *really* likes brushing his teeth. The mixed messages made my head spin.

So I asked myself the same question: Why do you want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you?

Because I liked the way he made me feel? No I didn't. I don't like feeling used and forgotten. I don't like not having an ounce of control over a situation. I dont like being desperate.


I liked how he made me feel when I was with him....but those moments seemed to be so few and far between that it completely negated the feeling. He was so unbelievably hot and cold, I never knew what to expect. For weeks things would be wonderful...perfect...then he would drop off the face of the earth...and soon the cycle would start again.

The title of this blog came from a friend of mine... "Miss Convenient"...that's what he calls me. And hes completely right. For those lonely nights, I was extremely convenient...I was a sure thing. I was there whenever he wanted me, but he never did the same for me. If you asked most of my friends, they'd more likely title me "Miss Impossible to Get Ahold Of"...which normally would be far more fitting. But despite my schedule - I MADE time for him because thats how much he meant to me. Knowing he would never actively change his schedule for a moment or two with me is what made me realize that I really am just that... a convenience.

I'm sure most of you are reading this thinking "he just wanted you for sex, you dummy"...but considering that was never really an aspect of our relationship, you might be able to see why I was confused.

Even after contemplating it I still can't give you a valid reason why he captured my heart. I could go on about this topic for days, but don't worry, I won't haha. Anyway... I guess this is just my little way of saying sorry to a friend for being so inconsiderate. (I still think you're being pathetic haha, but as you now know - we've all been there).

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Quite the writer aren't you....

And, in that there is alot of truth... Alot of emotions, your obviously like a little mystic in your life, an air of difference, and the need to feel like a little girl, to be held.

I won't ask you about your childhood, your father, .... I will say that there is often a reason for this "need".

He made you giddy, he made you giggly, he made you feel safe.

But, you can't totally be you, she's inside there dying to totally come out, but she hides.. What is she hiding from?

You say you used to cut, and drugs, but you don't anymore, for that I am glad...

You say your Mother has told you "not to show weakness", but what is weak? And, what is being yourself?

You say this guy had "charisma" people flocked to him, and felt like they were in a spell, after wondering why.... Well if I believed in God and the Devil i think i would have an answer for you.

This guy your with is great to you, treats you well, but there is nothing but sweet, you are missing something from this relationship, what is it? Can this man give that?

Ultimately, you need to find that little girl that is still inside you and bring her out to the open to totally be free once and for all..

She needs to be a total person and in that, you will not feel the need to be drawn to the "wrong" type of man whom controls and manipulates and makes you feel like a little girl that needs comfort, rather, a woman whom can stand on her own two feet and be....

CW