My Sister in law & His ex's

[Family-101]

Long story short without leaving too much out. I recently emailed my sister in law (my husband’s sister) and his ex-wife to tell them how I felt. I didn't care that the both of them could see each other’s emails because...after all, they talk to each other so much anyways. My now sister in law and I were pretty good friends before I married her brother and so naturally I thought we were only going to get closer. Before we were married I found out that my sister in law was talking to my husband’s ex-wife and after we got married I found out that my sister in law reunites my husband with his ex-girlfriend who she found on MySpace. I thought nothing of it at first but I began to notice that I wasn't seeing my once good friend now family anymore and now the only time I hear from her is when she send me her chain mail texts or emails (which I can't stand). In the past I've mentioned that we all take the kids camping-it's never happened, I've mentioned that we go fishing-it's never happened, I've mentioned that we have a girls night out and that I would fly and I would buy-that's never happened. So, I began asking myself why keep trying. When my husband and I bought our house she didn't help us move except maybe moving a few plants out and she told me that she was jealous that were moving (we still only live about 20min from her) our kids go to the same school.

Back to the email-Not being able to keep my mouth shut any longer (in my opinion) I emailed the ex and the sis. I told my husband what I had done and he told that he wasn't mad at me because he knew that it was something that was bothering me but he felt that I could have handled it differently. Here come the alligator tears. His sister called him crying and she told him that if she had emailed me back with what she wanted to say it would have caused my husband and I to get a divorce and that I was not allowed at her house anymore. My email to her was not an invitation to get her brother involved like she so badly wants to...this was between her and I. So crying to mu husband like she's the victim and acting like attacked her for no reason does not overrule the way I feel.

The next day I emailed my sister in law and asked her that...when she is ready to please let me know when we can talk. I apologized to her for emailing her the way that I did and that I should have at least called to talk. She emailed me back and told me that there were so many things wrong for what I did and that my husband’s ex-wife didn't deserve it (which only tells me that her feelings are more important) and that talking to me would not fix anything.

I am sending this without prejudice and asking people who I don't know what are your thoughts about my situation? Please tell me the pro's, cons, rights and wrongs. Am I wrong for having these feelings? I did apologies to her of how I addressed my emotions and I didn't tell her who she can and can't talk to. I just wanted to let her know that I am missing someone who I thought was my friend but I'm beginning to find out that now that we are family everything will change and I'm just going to have to deal with it.

Many Thanks
Family-101

[Joy]

The good thing is that your husband backed you on this. I really think the sister in law is over reacting it isn't something that involves crying and calling every being the victim unless you've done something wrong and need support to spin the story.

Again you left it open to talk when she was ready to calm down and act like an adult but you were diplomatic about it. You took responsiblity for your emotions.

You are a writer of feelings you that may be your way of expression. If she is mature enough to see it that way.

I don't know how close you are to the ex but i wonder why you included her?

I don't know how mature your sister in law is but maybe in time she can see that you do a better job at writing your emoitions. A phone call or a coffee might have worked better in her opinion. She might be hurt over the fact that you chose to write it out. that she was not worth the time to sit down and talk it out. Once the drama settles i hope you work it out.

[WildChild]

Joy makes a good point here.
I've found it helpful when I'm dealing with something that is emotionally charged that it's a good idea to write it, save it or set it aside (if it's an email in drafts don't put on an address so it doesn't go by the slip of a finger). Then in 24 hours or so, reread it, 90 times out of 100 I'm glad I waited. You can revise then and see how feel about that in a couple more hours. The less said, usually the better and a delay to be certain you really want to send it can save you a lot of back tracking later.

Even if you decide to sent it as originally written you will be past the heat the pushed you to write and can feel more confident that you aren't acting rashly. More than once I've poored out a flood of emotion in writing only to have the person I was so worked up about contact me with a perfectly rational reason for whatever it was. If it's negative, always avoid acting in the heat of the moment. Writing can help you better organize your thoughts so when you talk you are clear.

[Family-101]

Thanks for the replies, please keep-em coming. It’s always helpful to hear someone else’s thoughts other than my family who is always supporting me. Wanted to give everyone an update...I did hear back from my sis in-law. She emailed me back and chopped up the original email that I had sent her giving me her own thoughts about where she stands and a lot of F.U's were added as well. She tells me that I need to get my facts straight b/c the information I'm getting is coming from her brother and she also says (for the sake of her brother) she has no problem putting on a fake smile…that she had to do it with his last wives and will do the same with me. She says my email SCREAMS jealousy and insecurity and just like my husband’s previous wives they too were selfish, jealous, insecure women. She also said that if my email was to get her and the ex to stop talking that it's not going to work and it would only be my fault if my husband and I get a divorce.

The email I sent to the ex was a just a bonus I should have kept it between myself and my sis in-law and at the time I simply didn't care what they thought and frankly I still don't (this only tells me that again that the ex's feelings/friendship are more important).

My husband and I just celebrated our wedding anniversary and doing amazingly and wonderfully great and together we're stronger than any metal, stone, or his sister in-law. I didn't bother replying to her back b/c she obviously still needs more time and I hope she get's over it soon and if she does I hope that we can stand in the same room knowing that she is not wearing a fake smile.

[Joy]

well maybe instead of ignoring her response you can come up with a very very very diplomatic answer to take more heat out of the situation. Your ending comment about standing in the same room without a fake smile is good. I would guess she is the type of person who loves compliments and praise by the sounds of it. So over the next few months anything you can praise her about sincerely would probably go far.