Mother of sexual teen

[caligirl71]

My daughter has always been one of those kids that didnt get caught up in the boyfriend girlfriend thing. When she was in Junior high and even in the first three years of high school she was all about being a kid and hanging out with her friends. This year she is a senior and has been dating this boy for about 3-4 months. Because of her lies this past year I have gotten into reading her texts and emails etc.. to keep a eye on her. Well she has been messing around with her boyfriend, they even went together to buy condoms which I know is very responsbile and thats great and all. But when she comes home late from work and we get into a huge fight because he is at her work the whole shift every day. I read her text and find out the reason she was late wasnt because she was busy it was because they were fooling around at her work the text read "that felt so good what you were doing to me etc...explosive..." I grounded her for lying to me and then oh did the hit the fan. I read a aim and she told this boy that she wanted to kick my and he replied "I could hit a , you should tell your mother she is a and a horrible mother!" etc... Now after several texts from this boy about how sorry he is he was just upset she was upset!! Again late from work and same thing messing around at her work after closing up!!

Now Im no dummy, I will admitt I am having a hard time with her being such a sexual being at such a young age, I never did the things she has been doing so young! It is so nerve wracking. I know they will have sex if they want to but I dont think it should be at work or in a car etc.. she needs to wait for the right time and place. Why is she so eager to get it over with? We have been so close since she was young but since this boy has been in her life its all over...I dont have any respect for this boy anymore, he tells her if she gets a tattoo on her ankle when she turns 18 that he wont look at her the same she wont be perfect to him anymore etc.. she had a friend spend the night on a school night and he got pissed and told her she wouldnt get a good nights sleep, but he keeps her on the phone until 2-3 am every night!! He doesnt seem like the right boy I guess, very controlling.

I have rambled enough I guess, I could take some great advice... if you have any out there!!!

[WildChild]

Speaking as the mother of a senior to another, I may be a little blunt but here's my take; she is a senior, close to, if not 18, why are you monitoring her so heavily? If you are in CA, 18 is the age of consent. If you have or haven't done your job well, at this point, you're done. All you are doing now is antagonizing, pushing her away, creating distrust (you are invading her privacy) and building walls.

The bf hanging around at her work is innappropriate but that up to her boss to deal with, not you. It does sound like both she and the bf are kind of immature. As parents our job is to raise our children to be functional, responsible adults and that means gradually giving them more priviliges and responsibities. She isn't you, she is her own person or trying to become her own person, the fact that you weren't sexually active until you were older has nothing to do with her. I went through some of the opposite - I started way younger, that was me, not her.

Your daughter is graduating, probably in the next few weeks, then what what will you do? You have to chose your battles, wisely. If you jump on every little thing, you will have less impact on the important ones because you've put so much weight on the smaller ones. Most of the parents I know dealt with this type of power struggle in much earlier teen years, dealing with it this late is probably tougher but kids mature at different rates. Can you sit down calmly and rationally, maybe with a cup of tea and a slice of cake and have a chat? No blaming, no accusing, just talk? She should be on birth control if she is moving toward being sexually active. This is a first bf and she hasn't yet dealt with breaking up with various boys for what ever reason, this one doesn't sound like a keeper but as long as you push, question and antagonize, she is likely to hold on just to maintain some sense of self. If you can talk woman to woman I think you will get further at this point in her life. You don't want her so much at odds with you that she feels unable to talk to you if something serious does happen. It can be hard to suspend your need to be right, to be in control or to judge but if you can you need to.

Good luck with this!

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Wildchild
All you are doing now is antagonizing, pushing her away, creating distrust (you are invading her privacy) and building walls.

I have to say that I agree.

The problem with reading someone's emails and text messages is that you get aggitated from what you read, you can't ground someone for something you would have otherwise, un-known had you not snooped?

That to a teenager is invasion, and "non-trusting" and it would cause a huge rift if your were my Mum.

You know that teenagers "will' give "white lies"..

How can she tell her own Mother she has fallen in love, be it that you think he's the wrong person, and he does sound controlling but on the same accord isn't life a lesson? Aren't mistakes meant to be made to learn? That she has purchased condoms, that she is having sex.

Sure, work, car is not the best, but hey it's exciting.... You state you didn't do those things, not many parents did....

I would still do that today, trust me...

It's exciting.

But where is she to go? Your house, in her bed? No way... See the problem?

Understand she's a teenager, she is having sex, she is almost 18, it's her life now and all you can do is to be there for her when she does make mistakes, or needs a shoulder to cry on. You are definately "controlling" her life yourself otherwise, if you think about it, checking up, reading everything, knowing her inner most thoughts, without her knowledge or concent, possessive because your a Mother and this is not what "you" wanted.

It's her life sweet and if you remain on this trail you will lose her.

She was close because there was a bond, and because there was trust..

She's a little Adult now and you need to respect that and "let her go", that being let her be her own individual self, she isn't meant to grow up to be a "mini me" rather a person of her own right.

Hard I know but it's true.

CW

[happy ending]

i have to say i agree with chandlers wish and wild child you are creating problems. sure your daughter is young and probably immature, but that is when you need to be the adult. dont drive her away. love who she is now and let her be that person. good luck.

[caterpillar79]

Above threads are all true, and very reasonable. I would push on the subject of safe sex though. Since there is nothing you can do to stop her, then at least have her consider practicing safe sex (which I believe she's at, as you've stated her buying condoms with her bf), but I was also thinking about having her get a vaccine to prevent contracting hpv (human papilloma virus). This can be passed on undetected, so you might want to sit her down and ask her if she's willing to have this shot. Having a doctor to explain to her about this matter would be helpful, too.

[Joy]

i understand you are worried that this boy is controlling her taking up way too much of her time and him getting upset cause she had a friend spend the night is over the top.

i have a friend in this power stuggle with her daughter but it started when she hit 15. If your daughter is 18 she has to learn how to control her own life.

If he is a control freak and just wearing her down she actually needs a friend more than a mother. So maybe stop fighting with her and figure out a way to educate her on different types of men.

[caterpillar79]

When I started dating, my mom became paranoid. She basically lectured me all the time, kept me in my room, lied to suitors who come and visit me at home (telling them I am asleep, or don't want to see them, etc.). I felt like she just controlled me as a person, I didn't have the freedom to exercise or do what I think is right for me. Then was the time I needed a friend in a mother. So when I went to college, I was let loose a little bit because I have to go to another city and live away from home... I was not able to manage well all my myself. I was used to being told what to do which is not at all good. Then mom, came to the limelight again, the more I rebelled.

What I am trying to say here is that, you need to be more open to her, and be her friend. Let her share to you her deepst thoughts or feelings, without fretting and freaking out. Just keep your calm, give her advice if she asks for it. Had my mom became more of a friend to me, I would have not thought about running away from home.

[Allipet]

The boyfriend sounds awful but we all had to date a lot of crappy boys/men to figure out that we deserved more. He is her first love and hopefully it fizzles out when she goes off to college (I am just assuming that part about going to college). I think gentle conversations on topics about controlling behavior when the comments present themselves will at least plant some seeds of doubt about this guy. Hang in there they won't be teenagers forever. I had a very vivid realization in my early twenties about what a brat I had been to my mother and promptly called and told her so.

[Ahryin]

Ok once again it must just be me because I agree with you and my family would NEVER have that. Do I think you should be reading her text messages...only if you pay her bill..lol
Here is the skinny you have obviously had some type of discussion with your daughter about safe sex, however you might want to have it again. I will tell you that she is going to have sex with this guy. Kids are growing up faster now a days. My advice would be to find your nearest A.I.D.S clinic and take her to a meeting, also you might want to gather some information about Herpes because condoms do NOT prevent all S.T.D's and she needs to be reminded of that, lastly I would take her to a domestic violence center where she can attend a meeting and speak to other women. From the way you are describing this boy he is on the verge of a control freak. Most guys know better than to hang out at someones job. The best defense is a good offense. Lastly you have had 18 yrs to teach your daughter right from wrong and instill good moral values so loosen the reigns and trust in yourself. Our children are mirror images of ourselves I know its hard and this is your little girl and the last thing you ever want to think about is her having sex but the more she TRUST you the more she will talk to you.
Have you spoken to this guys parents? If he is dating your daughter you have EVERY right to let them know what he is up to, that he has disrespected you and is putting your daughters job in danger. Be careful because the more you dislike him, the more she will like him....sorry thats just the phase she is in right now. However you can surely be happy that in a couple of years she will look back at this and apologize.

[SinisterUrge]

Some advice

*If you've never had "the talk" or when you did it didn't cover latex dental dams and IUDs its time to have that talk now. Yes, it will be the most uncomfortable half hour of talking to your child in their life, but she will survive. Sex will be the greatest threat to your child's health (after smoking and drunk driving) they are likely to encounter. Help her protect herself. Take her to the clinic (Planned Parenthood or whatever its called in your area) and get an STI screen (usually just a urine test or cotton swab). Drill into her that she needs to get it done again before and after every partner she has.

*Condoms are only effective against STIs during vaginal/anal penetration. You can still get every STI from oral sex (that includes both fellatio and cunnilingus). They make flavored condoms and dental dams (a square of latex placed over your genitals or anus).

*HERPES is spread via skin-to-skin contact. You do not need to have sex to catch herpes, most people get oral herpes (HSV-1, coldsores) from kissing. But it also transfers on hands and clothing. Get her tested and make sure she knows to get her partners tested before they become intimate.

*Pregnancy: Continual advancement in birth control, along with the "morning after" pill. May have caused unplanned pregnancy to lose much of its 'scare' value, but it is obviously very much an overlying concern.

*So while sex is great fun (and if it isn't you're doing it wrong), You must stress that things can go bad very quickly. It only takes 5 minutes to catch HIV. (And HIV patients can look/feel perfectly healthy for months and not even know they're infected). The bullet-points are; 1. get tested regularly 2. make your partner get tested regularly (infidelity is rife among teens) 3. Take standard pregnancy precautions.

Non-sexual advice:
*The BF is a control freak. Explain your reason to dislike the guy and understand your daughter will need to date the occasional chump before she gets good at "reading" people.

*As long as she lives at your house (if she's 17 now it won't be much longer before she moves out) you are perfectly in the right to enforce a curfew. This includes phone and internet use. There is no valid excuse to be on the phone at 3am or emailing people till dawn. (Unless she works a night shift).