I can't help what I'm feeling.

[Neaky]

I am sitting here balling my eyes out because i don't know what to do anymore.

Last night i realized just how sad, ridiculous and pathetic I've become over a boy. Please, don't get me wrong. I love Mark with all my heart, i really do.. He is my best friend and the greatest thing that has ever happened to me but i love him too much and it's killing me.

This isn't just about how horribly attached i am to my boyfriend, it's about me. I'm not one bit happy anywhere in my life. I'm not happy with my home life, i'm not happy with my relationship because of how i am, i'm not happy with my job, my alienation from my friends and family, i'm not one bit happy with my life and i don't know what to do anymore.

Last night i went out with Mark to Austin's house. It was me, Mark, Austin, his girlfriend Nuriye, her sister Taliye and her now boyfriend Quick [yes the same Quick from before]. Everything was fine and dandy and we smoked. Every single time i smoke, i get in this mode where i'll start thinking about everything and i mean everything and this is what i discovered.

Discovering how pathetic you are because of how you've devoted your entire life to your boyfriend, ignoring your friends, your family, not wanting a life outside of him, it's just not right. I don't know what to do with myself anymore. And here i am, crying because he dropped me off to go hangout with Austin. Why? I DON'T EVEN KNOW. I hate myself so much right now and i just don't know what to do anymore. I love this boy with all my heart but i really do not know what to do with myself anymore.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Aweee Neaky.

Well smoking does make you think but it also makes you paranoid.

I know you love Mark, but he's still a "lad" likes to hang out with the boys, but on the plus side, he takes you with him first, and often.

But, it is in-deed a case of you re-connecting with all old friends, family, by what ever means you can for now and GET OUT THE HOUSE and find new friends, a hobby, the gym, something that YOU OWN... It's all yours.

Usually, when we get ourselves into such a rut it's because we need desperately to find ourselves, we got lost along the way.

You already know that, have a think about what you want to do and 1 step at a time, start to get out there and GET IT...

And, smile, your young it's a stepping stone, nothing else.

CW

[Neaky]

And that's usually why i don't smoke because i cannot handle it. I freak, get paranoid, my mind starts racing, "Ohmigod i'm gonna have an asthma attack; my hearts racing, am i gonna die?," stupid stuff like that. I can't handle it.

I hardly have friends, like i said before. Theres my best friend Kiki who has her boyfriend of 5 years and lives 30 minutes away, always having something to do, Brittany who is working or wanting to party and that's something i am easily uncomfortable with and then Breeze who has my 1 year old niece and a schedule based on her mom aside from her job. I have no car, no transportation aside from Mark and my parents, no money on hand to take a bus anywhere and really nothing around my area to do.

As for finding new friends, i try, i really do, as unsocial as i am but the only place that i've met new people is at work and lemme tell you, they are stuck up and snobby [no offense to any of my fellow Panerians but that's how it is at my work] and i've never been a fan of those people; people who think they are better than you because they have money or wear the latest fashions and hair styles, ya know? It infuriates me.

I'm talking to Kiki and i told her how i'm feeling and she told me it seems like because this is my first serious relationship, i've jumped into things, ready to make a life with Mark, wanting to get married, wake up next to him everyday, skipping the beginning stages. Also that he is the closest thing i have because she's so far away. She wants to start hanging out every week because she feels like it has a lot to do with her too since we hardly see each other anymore.

[Joy]

No worries discovery is the first step in recovery You've discovered you have no life outside this BF and now if you mean it you will find an outlet for your emotions and a hobbie that helps you to a new level of self development.

Volunteer somewhere put some of that unused energy into your community at the hospial, a nursing home, a food bank, these are just suggestions but it will help you meet people who are stuck on themselves i bet ya.