not turned on

[fallenangel]

Hi everyone,

I feel a sort of passive apathy, not seeking out sex but not actively resisting when a partner initiates sex. Truth is I don't enjoy having sex because I don't feel much anything. I've had different partners and have tried all positions but it's the same - I am not turned on at all. I can sometimes orgasm on my own and over the years this has become the only way for me to get pleasure. I think the problem is that my clitoris doesn't seem to respond to any stimulation, be it oral or rubbing, and intercourse alone is not enough to make me come. When I masturbate I find that pushing somewhere between the vagina and the clitoris works for me. but it's limited how much pleasure i get from that these days. i think i've lost sensitivity in my intimate area altogether. it's boring masturbating on my own for as long as I have been. and sex with another person always proves deeply disappointing. Any thoughts?

[ItsASecret]

Have you always been feeling like this? Low libido is common in women, and of course those who have a high one won't believe how other women are not the same. You probably just have to find a way to get your mind just racing with thoughts. The mental stimulation of a fantasy or picture can get a women into mood but maintaining it is the hard part, at least in my opinion. Find out what does arouse you but have a variety of things just so its not always the same thing cause you could become bored of that. Have you tried using a vibrator to have a new stimulation?

[WildChild]

It sounds like you are disconnected. Like a bad cable between the tv and dvd player. You aren't registering the stimulation? Studies have found that many women are essentially disconnected sexually. Brain activity will indicate arousal and even orgasm but the woman will report having no feeling, no response. I don't know that anyone has figured out a universal way to deal with this, every woman is different.

For myself when I've shut down and become non responsive it's always been because I feel unloved and uncared about. How sensual do you feel? Do you choose clothing because you like the colors, the feel of the fabric, that it feels good to wear? What about your personal space? Is your bedroom your nest, your comfort zone? Have you got good yourself nice, high thread count sheets and pillows you love to sink into? When you bathe or shower do you have thick, absorbent towels in colors you love? Do you buy yourself flowers? Light candles and create a restful, pleasant mood for yourself? Play calming music that you enjoy? When you eat do you take time to make a meal that looks and tastes good? Do you eat sensually, really tasting and enjoying your food? All this comes down to taking pleasure in the world around you and loving yourself enough to give yourself pleasure simply because you are worth it. I have a feeling this may be a good place to start.

[fallenangel]

Yes, it's always been like this. I've had many theories - that I'm damaged, that I keep sleeping with the wrong people, that I'm pushing it, that it's lack of trust and communication... at some point i got so upset i stopped trying

I do have sexual phantasies all the time. It's probably because I feel so sexually frustrated that I cannot live them out with another person. See, in my head it always works ... but only in my head

I bought a vibrator some months ago and experimented. any vibrations on or around my clit hurt. it's either too intense or else i feel nothing. but it did help me reach orgasm with penetration. and i mean for once I felt pleasure, didn't just get the usual pelvic contractions that feel so mechanic.

but really I'm fed up with masturbation. I've just met someone I really like and I want to have sex with that person not with my vibrator. We did, twice, and as usual I didn't feel much anything, let alone come. The fact that I didn't come is a real problem for the other person. For me arousal is the issue.

We are not gonna see each other again until late June and I'm loosing my sleep over how to deal with this. I absolutely don't want to fake it but I feel extremely embarassed admitting my sex life has always been a disaster. I don't want to hurt or scare off that person. I hope we can build a relationship, think there's a real connection.

[ItsASecret]

If the guy is understanding and cares about you then he wont be scared off. Talking about things does help, if the time is taken. Sometimes just talking about sex in general helps because it gets the opinion of both parties and then comparisons and conversation can be sparked, which could result in realizations that certain things may be blocking you from feeling anything. Stress will hurt the situation even more-so, try to avoid getting worked up about it but do not totally ignore it kind of thing. As long as you have someone to talk to about it that understands where you are coming from I don't think there should be a problem finding new ways to experience pleasure.

[fallenangel]

yes, i am very sensual. i do all the things you're talking about. maybe i was disconnected from my lovers.

[fallenangel]

are those drops medically proven? have you tried them yourself? is it safe? there's lots of stuff on the internet...

[ItsASecret]

Fallen don't fall for spam like that, its good that you automatically asked for medical proof. There will be zero, none, nada, zip with this one and any other on a random internet site because only real doctors and only real pharmacies will provide the products. Anyone else is working from their basement trying to make a quick buck. Also note the words "horny and WET vagina", real legit companies do not use words like that to describe their products lol.

[WildChild]

Pelvic contractions are a sign of orgasm. Your clit has 8000 nerve endings, it doesn't get diseased or cancers, it's an amazing part of the female body! The head of a man's penis has only 4000 nerve endings, we are designed to enjoy sex! While men have a multi tool we have a clit with only one purpose - pleasure.

I really encourage you to educate yourself about your body and female pleasure. You might check out the Welcomed Consensus, you can find them on line. They have been dedicated for years to education about female orgasm, a number of their people have written books including, One Hour Orgasm and Extended Massive Orgasm. They also offer dvds on female masterbation and orgasm, these are not porn, they are pretty clinical. Personally I think they could do with a bit less clinical presentation but you may find them really helpful, it's a metter of where you are and what you're comfortable with. I really like the book, The Orgasm Loop, the sex therapist who wrote it has used her techniques to help many women learn not just to orgasm but to do so consistantly. Another good source is, The New Tantra; Simple & Sexy, I think it's more readable and doable than most stuff on tantra.

Everyone is different, just look at the degrees of kink in the world, there are people who get off on stuff that would totally turn me off but what gets me going would leave them cold. You have to find what works for you, but you may have to expand your comfort zone. The mind body link is big stuff, the mind is your biggest sexual organ. You may want to do some erotic reading and looking into some areas outside plain vanilla sex, just to open yourself to other possiblities. Sometimes seeing or thinking about things you would never want to do will still turn you on and that's ok. You may pick up some clues about yourself. For example, were you spanked as a child? Worldwide, studies have found that children who were spanked grow up to associate spanking with loving and it becomes erotically associated in their minds. The mind can form some amazing associations, it can also assililate negative messages very well, so if as a child (probably too young to remember) you were told not to tough 'there', that it's 'dirty' or you were a 'bad girl' for touching your genitalia, you may still hold that completely unaware. Just becoming aware of it is the first step to overcoming it.

[ItsASecret]

You could also start simple by just using search engines to find orgasm techniques. There will be more information on the internet than in a single book, unless of course you buy several.

The common techniques used are:

The Venus Butterfly: A method of oral sex on a woman. Procedure is just licking the clitoris, then the entire vagina, back to the clitoris, g-spot stimulation, and back to clitoral stimulation.

The Orgasm Loop: A method for women to get aroused by an image, like a flower, and not their significant other so that they can attain an orgasm whenever they feel like it. Once the image is found and recognized as arousing there is breathing incorporated to make the 'feel good' tingles end up on the clitoris and as a result making the "loop" that the author speaks of.

Massage: Self explanatory. Many places will say that a woman should be automatically aroused by any touch, even though they also mention that mental stimulation is recommended.

These techniques have worked on countless women so the only way to find out if it will work for you is to try it out!