Neglected and undesired by boyf of 3 years....

[Alyssaaaa]

Im 19 and my boyfriend is 21. We have been together for 3 years now. We just moved in together about a year ago. Everything had been great! I mean we used to have some fights, but every couple does. For the most part we were pretty solid.

Over the weekend we moved into our new apartment and around this whole period.. we just started getting really mean to each other. He would be snappy with me, so it would put me down.. He didnt want to bring me along to his band practices, didnt want to hang out much, and didnt want to have sex. Seems his desire in me has wilted and i feel alone. He never kisses me, hugs me, or gives any initiative to be intimate. I am a very sexual person, and we used to have great sex maybe a few times a week, but if we have sex now its always me starting it and he acts like he could care less if we did it.

Also ive noticed that if he does actually want to have sex, he has already smoked weed. not really sure what that means, but every time i bring it up, he acts like thats not the only time he wants to have sex with me.

I looked at his computer, and he has been looking at porn everyday i am at work. sometimes twice in a day. But has no desire to have sex with me.. :/

I lost my virginity to him and love him with all my heart, but i feel so neglected. i cant take it anymore..

[Fatin]

wow omg how could a guy do that!!! i can't believe it .. well hun did try to talk to him!! i mean ask him and be honest with him tell him that the way u treat me is making me down ..

[CHANDLERS WISH]

he has already smoked weed.

he has been looking at porn everyday i am at work.

I would say he has no desire for "anything" other than hanging out with the lads, getting stoned, playing in the band.

He doesn't work, he is probably often (more often than you realise) stonned, has no life and so no respect for "himself"...

Shake him up and tell him he needs to get a life, get a job, quit smoking, he's "drifting" and that's all in life.

He has gone probably from a kid leaving school with some aspirations to having none excepting being a vagabond, living day by day.

You are living together, you work, so you are paying most of the way and then cooking, cleaning no doubt as well.

You gave up something important for someone important whom is becoming a nobody in life, and will continue to go down that path of no return.

Shake him up and try to get him back to whom the person he was when you met, speak to him, speak to his family even, do what ever you can.

If he ignores you and continues to then I don't think there is anything you can do sweet.

He needs to see his life in 10 years from now......

A bum on the street, remembering his dream of being successful in a band with a loving wife, money and kids, instead of actually making that happen.

CW

[dr.mansview]

sounds like weed and porn have replaced you..3 years is a long time together but seems to me it has run it's course..i think it's time to find a new bf who is focused on YOU..

[SimplyChaotic]

It's understandable that you are very attached to him...you lost your virginity to him and I'm gonna assume he was your first real love, but sweetie no girl deserves what you're going through. You are still young and can do waaaaayyyyyyyyy better than a pothead. I agree with the last comment, the relationship has run it's course BUT i think for now you should fly solo, take some time on your own to first of all get over him, second of all work on yourself and figure out what it is that you want in life then start dating again.

I was dating non-stop from age 16 to 20, then I stopped after my major heartbreak and took some time to get over it and figure out my priorities, and a year later met the man of my dreams. Now I'm more happy than I ever thought I could be. And you'll find a great guy too...someone who values you for who you are.

[Hopeless Dork]

Yeah, he can take or leave the sex because he is meeting his own needs with masturbation. Yippie for his needs, but he's neglecting yours... He isn't think about the intimacy that you desire - whats the point of having him as a boyfriend when he behaves like a distant buddy.

Someone once told me that men that don't have the testicles to break-up with a woman, will simply distance themselves til she does it for him. They will quit intimacy (unless they are super horny and their needs are, again, coming first), quit affection, quit spending time or doing things to make the other person happy. They know if they behave that way long enough she will be out the door and he won't have had to be the bad guy.

If you let him know how much you miss being close to him, and he doesn't take steps to rectify the situation , it is high time you quit wasting the energy. You have invested a lot of time in this man. But don't look at that as a loss, you've enjoyed a lot of that time, probably learned a lot and grew as a person. Everything we experience helps makes us the person we are so never look at it like 'oh but I don't want to have wasted my time, I better stick it out'. You are young and have everything ahead of you but guess what, if you were old, the advise would be the same.

We should be striving for as much happiness and being content as we can fit in a day if someone in your life is taking away from that, its time to let them go.

[SecondGuess]

I definitely agree with the last few comments. You're still so young and you have your whole life ahead of you. I totally understand the first love & first guy thing. But don't mistake love for comfort. There is a difference with someone loving you wanting to be with you and feeling comfortable with a relationship. I felt the same way in my last relationship, we were together for 2 years and I stopped feeling attracted to him after the 1st year, but I stayed with him because we were comfortable with having one another around and I was too concern about how everyone else would feel rather than myself.

I think that you definitely need to find time for yourself and really do some soul searching. If your bf knows that you're lacking things like the bond that you need with him and he could care less, then honey, it is time to move on and find someone that will respect you and how you feel rather than himself. A relationship requires 2 people to make it work, if you're carrying all the weight, then it's not fair to you. He needs to somehow meet you 1/2 way and if he doesn't care to put that effort in, then maybe you should realize it's time to find someone else.

[crzyredhead21]

I agree. I too went through this with my b/f a couple years ago. He was very distant, never wanted sex, and addicted to porn. I finally had my computer locked so he couldnt do that anymore as it was mine and the one and only rule I had about being on my comp. Anyways, he finally admiktted to me that he wasnt sure if the relationship was what he wanted or not. We were at a crossroads of sorts because he and I both knew that the relationship had gotten to the serious forever sort of thing and he wasnt sure if it was what he wanted for he rest of his life. We decided to split for a month and see how we felt after that. With that break he and I both realized how much we loved each other. Dont know if it would work in your situation but I'm still with my b/f and havent had to deal with that again.