contact with my father?

[Zira]

Hello,

The reason why I came to this forum is because I have lost contact with my father since 2001. Basically this was my own choice. When I was about 1 year old my parents got divorced. I grew up with my mother as an only child. I did see my father every two weeks for a weekend and later I lived two weeks with my mother and went one week to him. I liked it back then, we had a lot of fun together. He wasn't a father to me, more a kind of entertainer. He never paid anything for me. I even had to bring my own suitcase with clothes every time I visited him. My mother was (and is) a stay-home mum, with a lot of psychological problems due to her very hard youth. She was in no condition to work and couldn't really raise me. But I think she did the best she could. And I have forgiven her for all her mistakes as I know (and always knew) her terrible and tragic story.

My father knew how troubled my mother was, but he never did anything about that. He let her be, he let me be. It wasn't his concern. He didn't work either. But he was just lazy. As far as I know he had a very normal childhood, with loving parents and loving siblings. Somehow, though, he stared using hashes and marihuana (I live in the Netherlands) and that went from bad to worse. He even dealt when I was around. About 10 people a day came by to buy some stuff. He took me with him when he went to the coffees shops to buy heaps of hash (much more than is allowed here). I knew the smell, colour and taste of them when I was 6 years old! Maroc for instance looks kind of yellow, Afghan is very dark and I used to play with it as you can knead it! The weettops hung in my room to dry. I slept under them... I now wonder what that did to me. It can't be good for a child that young. I know in school they called me dreamy... (guess why). Still I liked it there at that time. I loved my father for who he was.

When I was about 15 I couldn't stand it any longer. My father had a girlfriend and they both thought they were the best people in the world. I don't know whether this had to do with the drugs or it was just them. At that time they were growing mushrooms as well. My father started to criticize everything about me. He thought I was dumb as I couldn't do the maths. I stressed and panicked as soon as I saw numbers... (I later learned it is dyscalculia, the calculate variant of dyslexia, but I had never heard of that until 2 years ago). In his opinion that all had to do with the school my mother send me to. He criticized everything about my mother, her choices and the schools she picked, but never attended any parent night or whatever. So my mother had to do that all by herself. I know that that was really tough for her. Dealing with her own problems and (when sober) trying to take care best she could. I then decided I didn't want to go to my father at set times anymore. So I just went when I felt like it, which was pretty often back then. I also slept there from time to time.

When I was 17 my father and his girlfriend got a baby, a boy. When she was still pregnant they married without telling me. I found the weddingbook one day. I then felt like everything would change as soon as the baby was born. My father later told me they married because they didn't want the child to have the name of the mother and that was the only reason. It didn't mean anything to them. They even wanted me as a witness, but as I was still 17 that wasn't possible. Still I think they should've told me. When the baby was born I had the feeling as if they didn't really like it when I was around. I let it go on for 3 more years, and then I had had more than enough.

I lived alone for a few years now, but it didn't go as well as it should. I had problems paying the rent and finally I had to leave that room. My father wanted me to come living with him, so he could 'train' me well. In return I had to quit every contacts I had with friends and the woman who had become my second mother over the years. In his opinion she was no good for me as she was narrow-minded and that wouldn't do me any good. For the same reason he wanted me to quit contact with my best friend. I wasn't allowed to dance anymore as I would see my friends there and I would never become a prima ballerina so why did I bother at all? I couldn't live by his rules so I went to my mother. I lived with her for another year. I didn't intend to, but I lost contact with my father then. I just didn't want to see him for a little while for all the things he had said to me. Before I knew it I received a postcard saying he had some diaries of me and he wanted me to pick them up before a certain date. If I wouldn't come he would consider them as his own and use them when he would write is memoirs about 'the heavy mutilation from mother to daughter and where that could lead to'. And that did it for me. I went by with a friend, no-one was home (god was I glad), but the backdoor was open. So we sneaked in and got everything that was mine and went away as quickly as we could. Of course it pissed him off.

About half a year later he suddenly was waiting for me in his car in the street where my mother lives. He said he had this 'document' for me and he wanted me to read it. But he didn't have it with him at the time so he asked me when and where he could drop it by. I set an appointment as I naively thought he meant well. He gave me the 'document'. It was a letter of 78 typed papers filled with reproaches against me and my mother. Really horrible stories of what my mother did to him. I don't know, knowing my mother I guess they might be true, but why did he tell me? What did I have to do with it? He even said he could have gone to the police because I stole my belongings. I read the document once and then threw it away. I didn't want my mother to read it, nor did I want to read it ever again myself.

I still don't understand why he wrote all the stuff. I mean, he should've known that that wasn't the way to get me back. Far from that even. I was so angry at that point I didn't want to see him at all. I really felt hate after reading that and that is something I hope never to feel again.

Well, the hate is gone now. But the postcard and the 'document' are in the way. He has approached me lately over the email. He says they were the only people who really loved me and that everything bad that had happened, was cause of my mother. He says if ever I want to feel that love again, I just have to be brave and come back to him.

I have thought about it very often, but as I said, the postcard and the 'document' keep getting in my head. How can I go back to someone like that? How can I go back to someone who thinks I'm crazy? To someone who doesn't respect me for who I am? And to someone who blames everyone but himself? But still, he is my father, right? And we never really talked about it. He now says it is all based on misunderstandings. But the things he wrote were for real. And they still hurt. It’s been years… He’s almost 50 now, I am almost 30. God, where did the time go?

After reading this long story, what do you think?
What would you do?
I really hope to hear from you, because I don't know at this time.

Thank you so much for your time and interest!

Best regards,
Zira

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Wow...

For what ever reason he was bent on destroying your Mother in your eyes, and then destroying your confidence, controlling you and bringing you down, and continuing to do so even as you grew older, always wanting to win.

I know that drugs do effect people over time and if they were doing it daily hashis, mushrooms, he may have lived in a dream world, and hate was something he had in him.

He still at 50 is shoving the "it's your Mother's fault" down your throat and his comment of "if you ever want to feel that love again, you just have to be brave and go back? Your 30... what love? I can only see a continuation of control.

I can't see " I am sorry for all the things I said when you were young, and for the letters, documents, i always loved you stay in touch.

He is demanding still, torchering still, making you edgy still.

Do you have someone in your life now that is there for you and shows you what love really is?

I would say to your Dad, "in my opinion" it was no one's fault you are what you are, including you Father, and as for feeling that love? I have felt some amazing love from people throughout my life, it's fine, take care, keep in touch from time to time...

I just feel that he has constantly reeled you in, then let you go, reeled you in, then let you go.

There comes a time when you have to stand up for you and believe in you, your such a strong woman, understanding of alot that has happened in your life, concentrate on you now that is what I would and am suggesting.

It's time to smell the roses and live for you, they can't live through you anymore...

CW

[WildChild]

CW makes some really good points. This is really manipulative behavior. You can be pleasant and freindly to him, limit your contact and be your own person. If he starts in about your mom, just tell him you rather not discuss her and change the subject?


How is your life now? Do you have a career, a special man in your life, a family? Make the good things your focus.

[Zira]

Hi,

Thanks so much for your replies. It is good to feel this support as I started to doubt about myself.

Chandlers Wish, you're right when you say you can only see a continuation of control. That is what I see too. And no, he never ever appologized, although he did say once the postcard was meant to break through my 'build up walls'. And with the 'document' he wanted to tell me who I really was as I didn't know.... But the truth is I always knew myself very well. I poses the ability to look to myself from a distance. I practically brought up myself and my mother, so I had to know who I was. My mother lately said I am very stable. The things I liked as a child I still like now. Okay, my interests are broader now, but she was right.

No, I don't have a boyfriend. Somehow I feel like I have to solve my personal problems first. He doesn't deserve me with all the struggle and pain. But I do have a lot of love to give when I have dealt with all of this.

I have loving friends around me and my mother really loves me.

At this moment I am studying speech therapy. A very interesting study. However I notice when things like this come up I find it very hard to study and go to school. I really have to learn to let that go and go to school, as that is what's important and I like it very much too.

Thanks so much!

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Remember...

You are your own person... Your own Woman and people can and will always try to destroy it... They have their own motives, reasons....

You have loving friends and for goodness sake what you study is beautiful... with heart you have heart, you have soul, you are your own person...

Your own personal problems are then what your Dad is trying to make you...

Your Mother loves you and you her.

Let him go he has stopped you from realising your self worth it's hard but your 30 and doing way good and have so much to give to people in this life.

Give a little love to yourself as well sweet... And, know that you are alright.

You can only feel sorry for those whom destroy in life....

You can only feel love for those whom want in life but don't succeed but try.

Your light is shining I think, you have a lot to give... Keep giving.... and anything negative? Don't accept.

Take care.

CW