Jealous Sister in law

[buggedbysil]

hey gurls! one more to the club!
ive been married for 2 yrs now and i feel the same as u girls. My SIL is so very insecure n jealous. I stay with my in-laws in India and she is with her husband in the UK.My SIL is 10 yrs elder to me and has a kid.

My MIL and FIL are very sweet people. I have no complaints. My MIL has gone through her share of MIL torture from her MIL and so she keeps telling me tat she does not want to hurt me in any way. I respect her a lot for this.

The problem is with my SIL. She gets upset if anybody in the family talks something nice about me. She ignores me when i talk. I can see it that she is not happy if her younger brother (my husband) talks about me or praises me. She is not in good terms with her in-laws. she is a kind of person who wants all the attention to herself and cannot tolerate if anybody praises me or gives me some attention. She has hurt me a lot by passing negative comments abt me and also by talking rudely.

For intance, once my husband had just told her that she is fat n i am thin. and so she had vented out her anger on him by asking him nt to compare her with me.

She has also mentioned it to my husband that she is jealous of me being with her brother. Initially after my wedding, my husband would be a little scared about telling his sister that he is spending some time with his wife. He would be worried that his sister would think that he is spending more time with his wife, not giving much importance to her.

Ive been very nice to her for 2 years inspite of all the torture and recenly i lost my patience and had to tell my feelings to my husband. My husband understood what i was going through and has supported me. The matter has also reached my In-laws who keep telling me tat how nice they are to me and hence i have to tolerate their daughter. My MIL has a habbit of screening off all the mistakes her daughter does. She doesnt say anything to her daughter even if she knows that her daughter is wrong. I am very grateful to my In-laws but at the same time tortured by my SIL. Life seems tough now.

My SIL is behaving as though i have changed her brother who would love her so much before marriage.

What would you girls suggest i do?

[CHANDLERS WISH]

You posted on an old thread, therefore, i moved it to a new one.

But I have to ask pertaining to this part:-

For intance, once my husband had just told her that she is fat n i am thin. and so she had vented out her anger on him by asking him nt to compare her with me.

Why would your husband say that? Is that respectful to anyone? I would vent my anger as well and ask him to to compare...

I think your sister-in-law simply has had a hard time comprehending her brother is married and there is another woman in his life and that she was close to him...

You haven't really said "what your SIL does that is wrong" and I don't understand why you feel your MIL should tell her she is wrong?

That's their daughter... Your their daughter-in-law, you all have to get along.

It's a simple case that your SIL loves your husband and is having difficulties and you see her as a problem instead of extending your arms out and making her feel it's okay.

It's only been 2 years....

It's good that your husband has supported you and it's good you have been nice for two years but what are you feeling she is "tortuing you over"...

Your not telling the whole story.

CW

[xGoodGirlx]

Hey Sister I feel your Pain babe,


however i have been put in the same situation. *kinda

just relaxe and jst keep moving sista

[WildChild]

One thing I'm curious about, if your SIL is in the UK how is she doing all this? Why would she care how much time your husband spends with you?
Try as much as you can to be pleasant to her but don't ler her get to you. If she is around, visiting and starts in, tell her are sorry she having a bad day and offer to make her a cup of tea? But don't accept or respond to her jibes. SHe should come out looking like an unreasonable complainer and you don't have to get ruffled.

[Hopeless Dork]

Your husband is creating an anomoisity from her I think, or if not creating it he is sure as heck not helping things. Being called fat is never fun, being called fat in the way he did it WAS comparing. If he just called her fat that would be rude enough, but he also pointed out that you were thin. Of course that is going to cause some resentment. Instead of being mad at her brother for being so insensitive she probably is blaming you.

He should be helping you two to get a long not making it worse.

[DEEPREASON]

I'm in a similar situation with my intended, and really, it hurts the whole family.

My SIL intended is 28yrs old; married, Daddy bought a beautiful home for her and her husband, and has a 1yr old son. My opinion of my SIL is she is very jealous, a control freak, spoiled, and overly protective of her brother, so much that she has never said more to me but, “Hello”, and that’s when I have greeted her first. This is the only conversation we have ever had even though we have been in her presents for every holiday and many weekends between. Instead of trying to get to know her soon-to-be SL she rather divulge a lot of time and energy into creating tensions at what should be very happy occasions. Some of the family tries to ignore it, and some actually find it entertaining, yet my fiancé' is just very hurt by the behavior which is causing him to choose his happiness over her contentment.

But the thing is, is that your in-laws are probably accustomed to the behavior so they might have a much higher tolerance level then you do. They have know her probably her whole life or all of theirs, and they also know if it is something that will just go away or this is the behavior you will have to deal with for life. I mean who doesn't want to be accepted by their in-laws, all of them, yet we have to understand that that may in fact be the perfect picture which we rarely get to see.

Well my fiancé and I haven’t been to many more family get-togethers because of the uncomfortable “What? I didn’t say anything to her” try to pin point exactly what I did to your girlfriend, behavior. We all know what I’m talking about, right? It’s the, “I can’t say she actually said anything or actually did anything behavior that usually transpires between woman that seem to be oblivious to males intentionally for that purpose behavior that steams up the room so smoky yet it seems as just the females are aware of it. Yea, someone must have advised her to use this tactic so as for him (my fiancé) to not be able to pin point the actual occurrence of the negative behavior towards someone he loves and has chosen to be his wife for life.

Nevertheless this behavior has cause us, and them to miss out on getting to know each other further (which is also probably part of her tactic) at family events. And this is only because most of the events have been hosted in her home. Yet I have been trying to get to know his family via telephone etc. Not good huh? I mean she is winning right? Or is she? Or is it even all about that? My thing is this, “Love and Let Love, and Live and let Live, yet some people i.e., in-laws feel like what is theirs is suppose to remain theirs and they are not really interested in acknowledging that they have some problems that they must look into. “They just plum don’t care!!”

What do you do? 1. Don’t allow anyone to disrespect you and your relationship. (Period) 2. Do not let this become a problem for you and your DH. 3. Maintain your lady status,” It’s not what you say it’s how you say it.” 4. Keep visits to a minimum on both sides until issues are dealt with and a compromise is came too.

[buggedbysil]

CHANDLERS WISH
Apologize for not having explained clearly earlier.I mentioned the fat and thin comparison coz my husband would call her fat even before we knew each other. He would compare her wit his other cousins. She didnt have any problems then.
This is another comparison my husband made. He told her -"my wife misses her parents just like u do". She went wild again. She talks bad things about her MIL in front of me and my husband. But when my husband mentioned tat his MIL is good to him, she got wild.

She is not happy if I am with her brother. For ex, my husband had to drop some cousins to the bus stand. she could not come as she had some work. All the other family members insisted tat i go wit my husband. She was the only one without talking and making weird faces showing her jealousy on her face.

she doesnt appreciate if her brother or anybody in the family talks about me. she changes the topic or just turns her face away. she ignores me when she is with her cousins. she makes me feel left out.

I have done everything to make her feel happy and secure when she is here. ive given her importance all the time. ive included her in everything i do. But its not the case with her. She wants to be given all the importance. She cant stand if i am around. whenever i talk in public, she purposely changes the topic or brings something else in between so that the attention is shifted to her.

She expects us to call her once in 2 days (evenings, after we are back from office) and talk for hours together on the phone/internet. And the only thing she does when we talk to her is "talk and never listen". she expects everyone to listen to her story about what time she got up in the morning, wat she cooked, what she is wearing.. everything... but she never listens.. if i start talking about myself, she cuts it then and there and starts off her own bull .

Whenever we are all going out, she purposely puts me in another car and she gets in with my husband. or if we are in a restaurant, she makes sure that im never with my husband. There are so many instances like this.

When i spoke to her about how i feel, she said - "you have taken my cupboard, you use my car, u stay in my house, have i ever told u anything about this?" Bull S**t!!. if she doesnt have all these in her mind, why would she mention it now?

Now tell me what you feel.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

The problem that I can see, is that you have "tried" to talk to her but she won't listen, not to you or anyone, she's self absorbed.

But, there is a reason behind that, maybe she felt growing up, she was the loser of the family, maybe constantly being called fat by her brother really did play a part after all but she kept it to herself, maybe she is so needy that you can't enter his life, or her Mums, no ones, because she is the one seeking/wanting attention and maybe your a threat for some reason.

All I can think of is "not" to play her game, to not show your upset when she does things but instead, in front of her, hold converstations with laughter with the person she put you next too instead of your husband.

And, with her, to start making comments, "that colour really suits you, it looks great" and smile and walk off..

Start to change her "pattern" by befriending her in a way that she has no knowledge that you are doing so, whilst also showing her no matter what she does, it won't, doesn't affect you, even when it does.

That's the only way I can see her slackening off and maybe initally it will eat at her worse, ( laughing with whom she sat you next too), but if she sees she can't break you anymore, she has to give up.

She has in-security issues from the sounds of it, to the hilt....

Thanks for the added information, helps to get a broader picture.

CW

[SilentPeace]

I am trying to figure out the issues as well. I would say since you are in India and she is in UK there shouldn't be much issues? But, who knows.

As far as your husband comparing her to you. That is just wrong. Don't you think that was wrong?

[ssda]

First of all comparing one person to another in a negative way is not at all fun no matter who says it.....
If I am being negatively compared to someone I would just end up resenting that someone so much no matter how hard I try. So it's not fair that your husband does that to her sister. Also, same things that were innocent in childhood becomes serious matters when you are an adult.
I wish I could tell you that it gets better and your SIL is going to love you one day.

But, with the profile you described it isn't going to change that fast based on my experience. Like someone in earlier post said try to your best not to be affected by her tactics. That's what she wants to see - see you suffer.
Spend your energy and thoughts on something else you like..any activities or hobbies which will clear your mind..when things get tough focus on that.

Atleast be relieved that your FIL and MIL acknowledge her behavior even though they are not willing to confront her. That's asking too much from them. Just put yourself in their position and think if you are willing to do that to your own daughter..
Maybe they have tried it in the past and just failed and they don't want to go through it again.