Should I stay or move on?

[starbright]

My boyfriend and I have been in a serious relationship for over 5 years and have been living together for 2 years. We've talked about getting married for the past few years, but I have yet to see a ring or a proposal. We've looked for rings together and he's said he has been planning something, but he's been saying that for the past 6 months. He knows that I want to get married to him, but I feel that maybe he's giving me a lot of lip service. I am independent and don't rely on him financially. I have told him that if he's not wanting the same things out of our relationship that I do then he needs to let me know. He tells me all of the time how much he loves me, doesn't want to live without me, wants to spend the rest of his life with me, etc. He's even asked my parents for my hand... 2 years ago. Maybe it's the thought of making it official that is making him drag his feet. I need some advice because I am seriously considering breaking it off with him and moving on. My family and friends keep telling me to leave him because he's not going to do it. In my heart I believe he will, eventually. Howeverm I'm not willing to wait another 5 years to see it happen. I love him very much, but I am not willing to compromise on what I want, especially since we've talked about wanting the same things for so long and after putting up with other things most women wouldn't. He's a great man, but how long should a woman continue to wait for her boyfriend to propose?
Should I give him more time and space or start packing my bags?

[caterpillar79]

Give him the time and space that he needs and START PACKING your bag. It might sound contradictory, but you can leave and live alone again, but not necessarily break it off. Just simmer down, take it easy, talk to him about some sort of a "cool off" to think things through. Reiterate the things that you want out of the relationship and what you are willing to give to make it work. Let your expectations be known to him, and leave it that way. The time that you will be spending away from each other should be used to contemplate for this (especially on his end). If nothing else works, it will be easier for you to move on. You can say in the end, that you've done your very best. It will be tough, but be with the man that you deserve.

[KISH]

Hi star bright. I think the same way that caterpillar does. Leaving is the best option for the moment. The more you stay, the more complacent he will become in the situation. I myself have dated a guy on and off for about 5 years. He has the potential for being great partner, but I’ve come to the conclusion that he is scared of commitment. He’s old enough to know what he wants in life. On one hand, he wants me, and on the other, he wants to live the way he wants to. Eventually, one gets depressed with the whole situation. and so...though it was hard, i left. The space that you give him will give him enough time to think about what he wants to do with his life. It will also help him to realize that he misses you more than the thought he would. now and again, he sends me text messages letting me know that he misses me but i have made up my mind not to go back until he knows for sure what he wants, and how to deal with his commitment issues. Good luck.

[Hopeless Dork]

You have been together 5 years. Has he been faithful? Has he been making you feel loved? Does he make you happy? I am guessing yes because you still want to marry him.

If the relationship is great and you are happy, don't listen to family and friends saying to dump him without the ring... why go and settle for less from some guy you don't love just because he's willing to put a ring on your finger.

This guy obviously loves you or he wouldnt still be with you telling you so after 5 years. Do you really think the peice of paper is going to drastically change how you two feel for each other? I am guessing its not regligious reasons since you two already live together.

While I can understand some womens desire to have that ring to plan that wedding to be the bride with the title of wife for all to see... I don't understand why they'd even consider giving up on someone that makes them so happy for a title change.. I just don't.

If you knew he'd spend the rest of his life with you, grew old with you and care for every minute and would do so without the marriage license, would that not be enough for you?

People get divorced every day so for those that say oh marriage makes it offical and yada yada yada, well sure it does... but there is a divorce laywer on every corner downtown, and people use them as often and easily as they do a mcdonalds.

I don't know , to each their own, but you found love... and to throw it away, to even consider doing so to maybe be able to say "my husband" instead of "my boyfriend" seems so unecessary... imo.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Sometimes actually, we stay through "love" but not that we are "in love" rather, a love.

Then there is pressure of family, everyone loves that person and so, you feel obligated to remain.

It takes a strong person to say I love you but I am no longer in love with you, I wonder if that is the case with him.

On the same accord, men live in fear, marriage is a commitment over and above living together, and usually involves joint finances, another fear, perhaps he is like quiet a few young men, fearing of losing what ever he has worked for, if it doesn't work out.

Marriage is a piece of paper, in my eyes, because divorce and seperation is so common these days, people don't seem to put the effort in, they originally do, then they slacken off and they lose as a result... If only they put the effort, amazingly they would see sparks fly more..

He probably feels that he is married, your living together.

He is in a comfort zone.

What you have to ask yourself seriously is how much love he shows you, attention and you him, since you moved in together, and ask yourself how much you talk, communicate over anything, things in common and how often do you laugh together.

If you have all the above, then go buy a cheap ring and place it on your wedding finger and look at him and laugh and say, bugger, this needs replacing....

If you answer not really, to the above, we don't do all that at all, since moving in together, sit him down and communicate how you feel.

Communication is the key to success, not walking, nor ignoring... what you hear may hurt and you may walk, but what you hear may make you smile and realise what's missing to make that spark alive and progress to that ring on your finger.

CW

[happy ending]

do you really think a relationship can be defined by a piece of paper - if it was only just that easy.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

do you really think a relationship can be defined by a piece of paper - if it was only just that easy.

So true...

[OhThereYouAre]

Listen to what you are saying:

You are going to break off a perfectly successful relationship just because he hasn't bought you a ring?

Silly and childish.

In a significant other, you should be looking for, amongst other things, prudence.....seems as though your guy is practicing this.

Furthermore - If you are familiar with laws these days, you'd see that there is little to no incentive for a man to legally married.

Just because our culture preaches it, marriage is not something that you rush into. Kudos to your man for not doing so.

[starbright]

Thanks to everyone who replied to my post. I have some new perspectives on how to look at this situation.


Update since I posted: I'm still with him and he has let me know that things will change in our relationship as far as getting married is concerned. I have agreed to give him space and let him do what he feels when the time is right for him. Obviously talking to him about marriage doesn't scare him, as he says he wants the same things as I do. He just wants to make sure everything is stable financially. I won't give up on him. I love him way too much.

[yellowpiXi3]

if it works... don't fix it!

so what if you don't have a ring on your finger and a title to go with it? it's not like this is the 1950's. people live together as one and have kids together without being married. IMO marriage comes with obligation. Some people are "stuck" in their marriages because they think since they're married they have the obligation to "make it work" I just look at goldie hawn and kurt russell. they aren't LEGALLY married but they live together and act as if they do. ( they also have a kid) and it's working for them.
It seems like you and your bf are working out. why add on more stress?