Numerous One Night Stands

[ren_07]

lol maybe my wording is off WildChild.

Objectively, I see YOU expending the majority of the energy to help him deal with HIS issues. If he doesn't change, or, you miss out on someone great along the way, where will this all leave you?

I don't feel myself doing any work towards this. We have a wonderful time together in each other's company, he's the first person to make me laugh in so long and our personalities click to a creepy point. I am DEFINITELY not closing off my options. I am strong and have learned from past mistakes to stand your guard. I've gone out on dates with other men over the course of the last two and a half months and have just not found anyone who's quite like my current man. I personally feel if I had a guy who isn't as "in control" of the situation as he is, I'd take advantage of him and become what most women become to their husbands and long-term boyfriends: they wear the pants. My past relationships have failed because I had that control and got agitated with the man not doing as I pleased sometimes. I don't have that power here because he has the control. If anything, this relationship is showing me the perspective from the opposite side and will correct me for the future.

People tend to forget that we're not really gonna post topics about the happy times or the good qualities of your man, but the stuff we have issues with and need advice on. Because obviously I wouldn't stick around if it was as shitty as it seems lol I have a backbone.

[WildChild]

Baja, one answer to this is that sometimes we women reach the point where we feel there just aren't any men without serious issues. Very few men seem to see any reason to deal with them unless there is a woman they care for in the picture. Although that doesn't often do it either, since most men seem to figure if you're around they must be just fine, generally the worse they are the more they seem to think it.

Really in over 50 years of living, I can think of only one man I dated who didn't have some major emotional issues and that one had an issue with the fact that I was divorced. Some of them's problems take longer to show up, by the time they do, the emotional attachment is strong enough to make it hard to just walk. I don't know if it's intensional or not but people (I'm assuming many women do it to ) will manage to hide all sorts of things until there is an attachment, perhaps it's a comfort level thing, but then it all starts to come to light. You may think you've talked it out, explored it, dealt with it and it either keeps coming back or something else comes up.

And some women may look at men kind of like remodeling projects too. You know, "just widen that doorway, move the window, repaint and it will be perfect!"

[ren_07]

That really is an excellent remark WildChild.

No one is going to show their true self until a comfort level is reached. If my man had been acting this way from the start, I would have bailed. But right off the bat he was intelligent, could match my wit and made me laugh, had a good time, was my perfect mate on intimacy and physical levels as that progressed, AND he treated me like a lady. He took me out on dates and did old fashioned courting for awhile. Unfortunately, as WildChild says, once a certain level of comfort is reached, you really start to see some people's true character come through. And at that point, the connection has been built and it's all too hard to walk away.

I agree that there aren't many men without emotional issues. It's not "settling" for less by staying with these men, but accepting that we are all flawed. It's all about finding who's you want to deal with the most I suppose.

[WildChild]

"It's not "settling" for less by staying with these men, but accepting that we are all flawed."

But you know Ren, I find few men seem to see it that way. They seem to either figure if you are willing to settle for being with them, then you must not have very high standards and it doesn't really matter how they treat you. My recent ex said essentially that to me on more than one occasion. On the flip side of that are the men who have such big egos that they condesend to associate with you and let you know just how lucky you are.

[Livelaughlove]

I do have half a brain. Fortunately it has the power of 15 SUPER COMPUTERS!!!

Ok let me play devils advocate here.

People are not flawed! They are unique. Change your mindset!

The problem with men and women is there lack of understanding and empathizing with other species. Because people tend to deal with others how they want to be dealt with. They communicate in ways that make sense to themselves! WHICH IS THE BIG REASON WHY MEN AND WOMEN DONT UNDERSTAND EACH OTHER!!! Unless you put an EXTREME amount of effort in doing so.

^READ THAT AGAIN!

People dont Live there life thinking and saying to themselves I wonder if he is seeing the same color I see or does this smell the same for him. WE ASSUME IT DOES!

Thats the problem!

The reason why the men in your life are emotional basket cases were because you WANTED THAT EMOTIONAL STIMULATION!!!!!

People tend to associate with others that closely resemble there own character or emotional maturity. "Birds of a feather flock together" or "Misery loves company" are all idioms that represent this thought!

All women say they want a nice caring guy that treats them right and has a good job. BUT WHAT WOMEN RESPOND TOO, is variety, excitement, challenge, not knowing what happens next.

To say that all man have atleast one emotional issue is a ridiculous claim. Wild child in your 50 years of meeting and dating men you probably generously met 1000 men. Even with that number you have met less then .000001 percent of men out there.

It took me roughly 3 years of constant work, dedication, will, and courage to get to the point where I am. That is one of complete love and personal fulfillment. I agree there is room for growth but that only to build on an existing structure I no longer have any emotional issues or character flaws at least in my eyes.

Some people think Im too confident, but there just jealous. haha Im really the most humble person on in the world.

-------------------------------

Now,

Onto ren.

There are a few things that are causing you to stay with this man.

1. Attraction is natures way of taking over our minds and bodies long enough to create an emotional bond.
2. You believe that if he cares about you then it will eventually show. Which I believe was a comment from a previous poster. IT IS WRONG. It will never happen.
3. Its almost every womens fantasy to take the bad boy and tame them into a nice caring husband. It empower your femininity.

Its only at the brink that a person will change. He has to WANT to change with all his heart and soul!

All those emotions that you are experiencing with this boy you will experience with another. You can trust me on that!

Hope this helps

Live laugh and love

[Livelaughlove]

EDIT:

2. You believe that if he cares about you then HE will eventually CHANGE. Which I believe was a comment from a previous poster. IT IS WRONG. It will never happen.

[WildChild]

LLL ,Mr Devil’s Advocate. I agree with much of what you are saying, within certain limits. However, there are a lot of wounded people in the world. Many of them instead of learning, growing and moving on, just move in and dwell there. With some the wounds are visible - you know right off what you are dealing with. But others have hidden scars and things can seem fine for months, even years, until something triggers their old pain and everything changes.

Sometimes, when you have children with a troubled ex, for example, you are forced to keep dealing with the past. Some people handle it with equinimity, others fall into anger, resentment and fear. It's like the replay button has been pushed. Because you are there, in their life, you get caught in their emotional backlash. I'm dealing with that right now. This isn't the first time I've dealt with this kind of stuff. I didn’t want this. When we met, we spent hours and hours talking about relationships, how people interact, what we could/would to avoid the negativity we saw others dealing with and had experienced in the past. It was amazing, great, for a few months and then a couple things happened - he ran into an old gf who had screwed around on him, had some hassles with his ex, my ex popped up with some paperwork and in a matter of a day - the relationship changed. He quit being affectionate and just about closed off emotionally. This is a man who talks about living consciously. Who like yourself, thinks he's dealt with his issues. He hasn't.

The more time people spend on the planet, the more baggage they accumulate. Some lug it all around all the time, others keep it hidden in the closet and pull it out and dust it off now and then. Very few actually let go of it. It's an on going process. Maybe you are one of the fortunate, who grew up with lots of love and care, with no abuse, in the world of Leave it to Beaver. A world where any fears you had were irrational because you were never beaten, raped, or threatened. You may be right in that we have to speak the same language to really connect. It isn't just that birds of a feather flock together. Some of us speak a much tougher language because we've had much rougher lives. That isn't just a matter of male and female communication.

Growing up, some got a nice shiny set of life tools with someone there to help them out and get them more tools when they would be useful. Others got a bent screwdriver, a few sockets, and a ratchet that works sometimes and if they had some challenges dealing with life, got a hand - back handed. They can handle adversity that the first bunch can’t even fathom, but can react quite differently to situations. I have found they may also have trouble with a lack of adversity.

Our true growth occurs not in avoiding people with "issues" but in how we interact and support each other, help each other overcome and move past our stumbling blocks. There are a lot of hurting people in the world, we have to take them as they come. We don't have to marry them or live with them, but sometimes we figure out too far into it that theirs is the stuff of a Dr Seuss mess – so big and so deep and so tall, there is no way we can clean it up. We can't always just say tough luck, call me when you've figured it out. Not until we’ve given every chance we feel we can.

[ThexMrs]

This is not just something that men do, sweets. I myself was in a serious relationship for one year and when it ended I was devastated. I had two one night stands, large amounts of alcohol, fooled around with a few guys (not all the way) and then realized I was making a huge mistake. I did this because I was trying to cover the pain but in the end it only caused me more pain.