Depression causing loss of love? Please help

[catkins]

I've been with my boyfriend for 3 years, we own a house together, 2 lovely cats. He is my everything and we were supposed to be together forever.

He's suffered from depression for a number of years, and once attempted to take his own life (before he knew me). It was a close thing, but thankfully he didn't manage it but I'm always worried when he's depressed that he'll try again. He's promised me he never will but I still worry.

He's been under a lot of pressure from work, money issues etc recently and has been quite down. I've been away too, which means he'd been over-thinking things, feeling lonely etc.

The other day, completely out of the blue he told me that he doesn't love me anymore. I can't work it out and nor can he, there's no reason why he shouldn't, nothing has changed, he still fancies me and can see all the reasons why he should love me but he says he feels nothing inside. Not just for me but for anyone. I just don't know what to do, I can't give up on him, he means too much to me and if there is a glimmer of hope that this is something we can fix then I'm not going to take a risk.

The problem is it just hurts so much, I want to tell him all the time I love him, and we have a nice time together, and we feel so close, but then I just get upset because I know inside he doesn't feel love for me anymore, and can't tell me if he ever will again.

How do I go about this? He's said he will talk to someone professional about it but says it never helped in the past, and he's tried pills and they just make him feel numb. Mind you, talking must have helped in the past, cos he hasn't tried to top himself again....

I don't want to give up on him, but he says it's unfair on me to stay with him because he can't say whether this love thing is cause or effect- I'm just hoping and praying it's an effect of the depression. Surely if it was the cause he wouldn't still want to be around me? But he doesn't want to break up, and says the idea of losing me hurts.

I have never had to deal with depression like this before.. Not with someone I care about more than anything.. Does anyone have any advice?? Please!!

[WildChild]

Is he on meds? They can cause a feeling of disconnection. Depression can certainly cause all sorts of responses. And It just might be that he isn't "the" one. Whether he likes it our not, it sounds like he needs help. Encourage him to get into counseling.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Pills make him "numb", obviously he can't handle taking medication, as he feels spaced out a bit on them, maybe they are too high?

Professional help, has "never" helped but your right, they have helped a little or else he would have gone through with it.

If you were to walk, he would spiral even further I think..

He's at his lowest at present, work, stress, finances, you away, and he's not coping at all.

He thinks "you" would be better of without him, and also " the world would", this is a bit scary to be honest, when they get to this level, it's very low.

Talk to him firstly and say " get a grip, things are tough but we will work together and make them better" and start thinking of a plan to relieve some of the stress/anxiety/finances.

Book him into see someone and just "tell" him, the date and time.

He may need to quit this job, if it's too stressful, or ask for a reduction in hours or workload, I know that's tough because of finances, but if it's going to affect him dramatically, you may not have any choice.

Can you ask him what stresses him most about work? See if you can get to the cause of it there?

Talk "confidentially" to his family if you can, get friends over regularily and family so that he's around people constantly and has no option but to talk.

If from their constantly being around doesn't seem to change his depression, and he is falling further, get him into somewhere straight away, because he may go further into depression and try again, to commit suicide.

You can only do so much love... You can't save people but only try and you can't take it all on your own shoulders, you need to raly and pull in his friends and family to help him, but also to help you....

Good luck.

CW

[catkins]

Sorry it my post was misleading! He isn't on meds at the moment. He's tried them before and they made him feel numb. But that's sort of how he feels at the moment anyway I think.

He's said he's going to call the doctor and make an appointment with a counsellor, I will tell him I will go with him if he wants me to. Since this all happened, the moment we connected the most was when I said that no matter what, I would be there for him- whatever happened.

I think I need to put all my fears aside about whether he loves me or not and just show him that he has no need to feel insecure about me, and that I will be sticking by him no matter what. I can't help but get the feeling that he is pushing me away because he thinks that I'd be better off without him, like you say. But I need to help him through this, if he'll let me. He's had low times before but never as bad as this that I have seen, everything has just gotten on top of him.

The doctor will probably give him a sick note if he wants it, to take some time off work but I know what he's like and he won't take it. It'd be the best thing, to get some time off. But he has a very responsible job and he would just feel like he was getting more and more behind and therefore more stressed!!

Thanks for your replies anyway, just unloading helps me think things through

[CHANDLERS WISH]

You know when someone is stressed, and depressed it is difficult for them to feel love, let alone show love.

I think re-assuring him and the knowledge that your standing by him will help him immensely.

It would be good even if he took (24hrs) off, and went fishing, something outside the house, something he used to love doing, and see if you can go with him as well...

Sometimes, "what a difference" a day makes.

CW

[Hope for me?]

Hi,

I was wondering if your boyfriend got through this? I know you posted this a long time ago, but I am hopeful you will somehow get this. I am currently in the same situation, however I'm the boyfriend in this case. I have the same feelings towards my girlfriend and even family members. I just want to know if its possible to beat these lack of feelings?

Thanks

[BabyGirl]

Hope for me,

You might want to start your own Thread, as this one is almost 3 years old. This way we won't get posts mixed up with the other Poster.. And confuse issues, Treatment and other things.
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