Desperate - not enough Sex Help!

**trendywendy** · 06-18-2009 08:22 AM

Hi Everyone,
I am new to this, and Desperate!
I am in a wonderfull marriage of 8 years, my husband is fantastic in every way apart from sex. I am lucky if it is once a month, and I feel so desperate for sex that I am considering having sex with someone else, just simply for the sex, which I know isnt a good idea.
Love is not a problem, we really do love each other, but I feel so neglected, frustrated and cry a lot because of it. I am now at the point of stopping to instigate sex myself because I am so scared of being rejected. He is not an affectionate man (doesnt hold hands, touch me etc) i think because of his upbringing, but I love him so much, but feel this might be the beginin of the end for us. I cant talk to him about it because he just gets annoyed, and I have tried asking him to go to the docs because his libido is so low, have tried getting him to take ginseng (they are still in the drawer) have even suggested a sex therapist, but his male pride would be hurt. He says he is going to try harder, but it never happens. Can anyone help? I would be so gratefull, Many thanks X

**rcoreyus** · 06-18-2009 11:24 AM

Sadly this is a very common problem. I have the same situation (genders reversed). I don't know of any way to fix it.

**malcatraz** · 06-18-2009 11:54 AM

Usually when a man is not interested in sex it usually means a. They suffer from erectile dysfunction, b. They suffer from depression, c. They are cheating, or d. they are gay. It doesn't sound like he is cheating. And I would assume you know whether or not he suffers from erectile dysfunction. Was your sex life great before you were married? Sex is the most important way for a husband and wife to express there love for each other. If your problem isn't fixed soon and you don't look elsewhere for the affection you aren't getting from him you are going to explode. Who could blame a women for having an affair when there husband won't have sex with them?

**rcoreyus** · 06-18-2009 03:25 PM

If you look around at the posts here I think you will find that there are a lot of women whose men don't want sex - probably as many as there are women who don't want sex.

It could be due to the problems malcatrz mentions, but it seems that some people just aren't interested.

**blondie80** · 06-18-2009 06:14 PM

Unfortunatly if he wont see a doc or get a check up or anything there isn't much you can do to beat the stubborness out of him. How is his work and things at the moment? Is anything stressing him out at all, sometimes people just get stressed from day to day life and lose their sex drive. Other people just dont have a high sex drive at all or nearly no sex drive which is really a problem.
Some men when they have felt rejected and things like that they stop and lose interest in sex all together, it all depends on your life as such at the moment, before this problem how often were you guys having sex? Obviously more than once a month but how often was it? How do you approach this with him? Sometimes women have a bad habit of blaming their partner and putting the blame on them for things just with the way they word things, that will also push him away as well, its a very delicate subject to bring up and really has to be braught up the right way as well or wont work.
Sometimes sadly when men dont have sex as often they lose their drive and forget how important it can be for them as well, the less they get it the less they want it if you can get him to initiate at least a little bit more or do things that will get him to feel like he has initiated it more it may actually fix it a litle. The more he has it the more open he will be and probably want more its just getting that part of the whole process to start!

**Hopeless Dork** · 06-18-2009 11:26 PM

If he is not affectionate as you say, he doesn't hold hands, snuggle etc and isn't sexual either, that must be a pretty lonely situation for you. If he did one or the other ONLY it would be difficult enough but not doing either is pretty selfish. You have needs for intimacy, including but not limited to sex.

Hugging and cuddling is so good for the soul, human touch is crucial for humans to be healthy both physically and emotionally. He is is denying you the basic human contact you'd give to a pet, because they, like humans need closeness and affection too. Everyone does.

Of course a lot of men say they don't like cuddling but doors closed, most really do. Its hard for me to imagine someone not getting pleasure out of having their body pressed up against the one they love.

He needs to give in, in one of those ways. If he has no drive he could still satisfy you in other ways or hold you close and kiss on you while you satisfy yourself. Or provide you with oral/manual/toy sex and hold you afterwards. There is so much he can do with or without a drive to satisfy your emotional/physical and sexual needs for intimacy.

How does he express his love to you?
What are the things he does that make you feel loved?
Or DO you even feel loved?

What are the things about him that make you happy? If you walked out today, what would you miss the most?

You mention that he loves you and him you, but also mention he doesn't touch you, give affection or have sex with you so I am just really curious in what ways you get to express that love and have it expressed to you.

You guys really need to sit down and have a heart to heart or write him a letter. Letting him know how you feel, how you miss the closeness you once had (I am assuming it must have been there at some point)

As an aside a low libido could be an indicator of other and way more serious health problems, if he doesn't want to go to a dr to fix his drive, he should still go to make sure he is okay. If the blood isn't flowing right to his sex organ, chances are its not flowing right to other organs.

**trendywendy** · 06-25-2009 06:46 AM

Originally Posted by blondie80

Unfortunatly if he wont see a doc or get a check up or anything there isn't much you can do to beat the stubborness out of him. How is his work and things at the moment? Is anything stressing him out at all, sometimes people just get stressed from day to day life and lose their sex drive. Other people just dont have a high sex drive at all or nearly no sex drive which is really a problem.
Some men when they have felt rejected and things like that they stop and lose interest in sex all together, it all depends on your life as such at the moment, before this problem how often were you guys having sex? Obviously more than once a month but how often was it? How do you approach this with him? Sometimes women have a bad habit of blaming their partner and putting the blame on them for things just with the way they word things, that will also push him away as well, its a very delicate subject to bring up and really has to be braught up the right way as well or wont work.
Sometimes sadly when men dont have sex as often they lose their drive and forget how important it can be for them as well, the less they get it the less they want it if you can get him to initiate at least a little bit more or do things that will get him to feel like he has initiated it more it may actually fix it a litle. The more he has it the more open he will be and probably want more its just getting that part of the whole process to start!

Hi, thanks for this, I think my hubby does get stressed, we have our own business to run, but I work just as hard as he does, but I suffer from PCOS which I think puts my testosterone levels quite high. He is not gay, depressed, and doesnt usually have a problem with his erection, its just persuading him in the first place to have it, he enjoys sex when we do have it, but we have had a long talk last week, and I said he must compromise with me, as neither of us want to split. Ive given him a week to come up with a compromise, but as usual he hasnt, so I am going to give him a compromise tonight, but if that doesnt work, I will be at the end of my tether. Im going to suggest a love-in night, once a week on a certain night. Surely, he cant begrudge me that?

Thanks so much for all the replies, I appreciate every word, thanks guys. X

**trendywendy** · 06-25-2009 06:48 AM

Originally Posted by rcoreyus

Sadly this is a very common problem. I have the same situation (genders reversed). I don't know of any way to fix it.

Hi, do you find it difficult to instigate sex due to being rejected? Thats my main problem, apart from the lack of sex of course!

I truly sympathize with you X

**Theresa** · 06-25-2009 10:00 AM

I have the same problem. My husband is not at all a loving person. I started giving him BJ's and that helped a little. He has not helped me out yet but I know that will come in time.

**M&Ms** · 06-25-2009 03:36 PM

As everyone else says...there's not much you can do to 'make' him have sex with you again. My friend also dealt with this, but came out of the situation very happy because she discovered she had to change her beliefs on the matter. Why do you feel like you have to have sex with him? Because you believe it will make you happy. You believe it will make your relationship stronger. Yet, these are only beliefs. You say you love him...enough to overcome the lack of sex? Many problems occur in a relationship because one person wants the other to change. But you can't make someone change. If you do, they'll likely resent you for it (even in this situation he could--what he dislikes sex? Would you feel comfortable knowing that he is forcing himself to have sex with you despite his ill feelings toward the act?). The best you can do is change your belief and attitude toward sex. If loving him is more important than having physical intimacy, you need to convince yourself that.