Desperate - not enough Sex Help!

**elise** · 07-01-2009 07:45 PM

Wow, i know exactly what you are going through. I have been married 17 years and in the last 7 have been experiencing the same thing. We love each other have a great family but when it comes to sex it sucks!!! No initiating from him, no sex etc. Do you have small children?? YOu mentioned seeking sex outside your marriage, have u spoken to him about this?? What was his response? I have a lover on the side who i see 2times a month and spend about 5-6 hours with him each time. And, yes we are having sex all that time. My husband is aware of it and although he doesn't care for it he does not tell me not to go. I have become attached to my lover in a physical way, as he is very affectionate, loving, touchy feeling sort of guy. That is not good. It causes me to feel like im not in love with my hubby and to be honest i do not really want to have sex with my husband as i think the sex will not be the same. I know the sex is not the same. However, i do love my husband and our life so im staying. If you do decidee to get alover be sure you are just getting sex and nothing else, no emailing, texting, cuddling etc. that is not a good thing. It complicates things somewhat. However, ido believe that sex is VERY important to a womans self-esteem and if your husband agrees then go for wtih your eyes WIDE open. I never imagines id meet a man who knows how to satisfy me over and over again. IT can cause you to doubt your marriage and feelings, be sure to be very clear with your self before doing this. Hope this is helpful, good luck.

**trendywendy** · 07-02-2009 06:39 AM

Hi Elise

Thanks for that reply, very helpful.

I have two grown up children, who have left the nest. My hubby is my second hubby, my first died when the kids were 4 and 6, (he was their father) so I know what good and loving sex is. My first hubby was very sexually active, but back then when the kids were younger, I didnt feel the need so much. But now, im in my fourtys, and god, do I need it. I have not got a lover, but have thought about this having a booty friend. Have even asked my hubby about it, but he said he wouldnt like it, but never got any further than that. He is hard work sometimes!
After putting this message on, things came to ahead, 2 weeks ago, I started sleeping in the other bedroom, first night he never noticed, second night he came in annoyed. I said there was no point in me being in the same bed, and he stormed off. Next night, we sat and talked, and he realised I was upset and serious. The last two weeks have improved, I doubt it will last, but for the moment he is making an effort, and I LOVE it!

**WildChild** · 07-02-2009 08:34 AM

Keep up the positive reinforcement! It could be a lasting change.

**WFO** · 10-06-2010 03:16 PM

Originally Posted by trendywendy

Hi Everyone,
I am new to this, and Desperate!
I am in a wonderfull marriage of 8 years, my husband is fantastic in every way apart from sex. I am lucky if it is once a month, and I feel so desperate for sex that I am considering having sex with someone else, just simply for the sex, which I know isnt a good idea.
Love is not a problem, we really do love each other, but I feel so neglected, frustrated and cry a lot because of it. I am now at the point of stopping to instigate sex myself because I am so scared of being rejected. He is not an affectionate man (doesnt hold hands, touch me etc) i think because of his upbringing, but I love him so much, but feel this might be the beginin of the end for us. I cant talk to him about it because he just gets annoyed, and I have tried asking him to go to the docs because his libido is so low, have tried getting him to take ginseng (they are still in the drawer) have even suggested a sex therapist, but his male pride would be hurt. He says he is going to try harder, but it never happens. Can anyone help? I would be so gratefull, Many thanks X

TW, Have you done anything overtly, other than talk and discuss, to attract or seduce your hubby? It can make a big difference. Many times when wifey wants to "talk", it comes across as criticism or nagging, with associated pressure to perform. Sex shouldn't be that way. Try giving him "honey" instead of vinegar. He needs an appetizer, if you get my drift. But be patient with it. Just as you probably didn't "put out" for him instantly, it will also take him some time to get in the mood I suspect.

**WFO** · 10-06-2010 03:26 PM

TW, I see my earlier post is after you made some inroads. My wife seems to want more than I have been giving her now. It wasn't always that way. A few years ago she kind of started giving me the "coy, hard to get" treatment, so with her being overweight I decided it was too much trouble for too little satisfaction. Now she has lost weight (~40 pounds) and decided I am not giving her enough (????) so I am in the doghouse now. BUT, she has never told me how often or how much would make her happy. So I have no idea what the target is. I could do it every night, if we could get kids in bed early enough. But I'm not going to do so if she is going to go back to her old coy hard to get game. As well, I have always needed her to be a little less modest in the privacy of our bedroom. She doesn't seem to get that our bedroom is the place for her to let go and do all those things she has been faithfully taught and drilled as a good Baptist girl not to ever do. But I am the one in the doghouse...