Should I hate my mother?

[sanity47]

Hi
I think the problem may be that she has some control over you and we are all program to love your MOM.. .. I know mine does.but I am older and due to an alcholic husband who left me with a huge huge financial debt, I myself can't afford to move out. On top of it she is in her eighties really needs someone around and I am the only daughter . there is no one else..... even though she is 80 + she drives me freakin nuts.. she does nothing all day. Cook ??? Not. Clean NOt!!. and thinks she is my daughters keeper!!!!!!!!!Not to mention that we have very different ideas how things shoud be done.. Lets just say 2 queens can't live together. or shouldn't and there aren't any Hallmarks that say want I want... LOL !!
She seems to think that I should have no problem with living with her and my teenage daugther.. that way it was back then.. She still trys to mother me no matter what. My therapist ( who I started with my ex sick husband) is helping me work on this. If you can find someone you like and start now. YOu don't want to be 20yrss older and have to keep this up. and I hate the idea that I dont' like her and she is so old that she will die and I will have these feelings.. YOu don't want that.. trust me.
I know when I am away from her( which is every chance I get) I feel better about her. But seeing her everyday. AM PM.. I dont' have any $$ to go out on the weekends so I am stuck in my room. never mind a date!!!!!!!!!!
My suggestion is to find a way. or try to work around your classes. Study somewhere else? Sleep at a friends. just avoid as much as you can. If you set your mind to it YOU
can do it and make it for the next 2 years if you have. too . It does go by quick. then you can really start your life with no burderns..
I know some moms and daughter are close . I am not with mine. So I am trying to break that and have a healthy realtionship with her..... so if she has a daughter it make work.

[mosokolovsky]

Hello ..you know, it only took me until the age of almost 52 yrs. to find out why so many of us girls have had a very rough time from our Mothers..
all i can say after 4 counsellors..after explaining my life long problem of my relationship with my mother..ONLY ONE of them diagnosed my mother as
Borderline Personality Disorder..when i googled what the disorder involved, and the symtoms...my dear Mother may as well have been the posterchild for the Condition..my Gosh..if i would only have known ... !!! how many decades of pain I could have avoided...First and formost Ladies.. folks with this disorder are 9/10 Women /Mothers... Please read just some basic articles on it and save yourself a tonne in Counselling ! ..if your Mom is a ridiculous creature..i will bet She owns this affliction..Your Mother will always be that..but if you still communicate, if you know Their game..life will get better..so much better for you..UNLESS, YOU have also the affliction.

[Little]

I have known my whole life that my mother is mentally ill, but then it becomes "not her fault." I can rationalize my heart out and I don't think it helps. I can know exactly why she acts the way she does, but she will never stop acting that way and will never own up to her actions.
Do you think that having the "why" question answered gave you peace? Maybe since the why was answered from the start, it wasn't enough for me. I'm not sure on that one.

[keiona4ever]

Maybe your mother, thinks nobody loves her even her own daughter. Mothers, love their own children, but maybe she just doesn't know how to show it, or she feel uncomfortable of what she feel, so she want you to hate her? I dont know maybe Im just rambling here. I came from a different country and our tradition is different, we only have one mother on earth, still not to late to have good memories... try some forgiveness, heart to heart talk to her, tell her you love her. It will be nice if your mother sorrounded with good and true friends. Don't give up hope. Give her a big hug. Stay positive.

[nc23]

Hi, I know you've already gotten a lot of advice so I'll try not to be too repetitive.

Your relationship with your mother reminds me a bit of my relationship with my father. I cut off all contact from him because he always made me feel awful. I had never been close with him as a child and even less so when my parents got divorced. After their divorce my brother resented me and treated me a lot like your mother treats you. We get along better now that we don't live together, but whenever I feel self-conscious part of me blames him.

Your relationship with your mother sounds really difficult and I understand the confusion and pain that comes from not loving your own parent. It's good that you're acknowledging the poor treatment though and that you're still setting goals for yourself. Also, it's important to take the bad with the good. You're lucky you have a good father, even if he can't replace your mother.

Someday your relationship could be different. My great aunt is sweet and loving, but she was a terrible mother. Her own daughter once went running after her father's car, begging him not to leave her alone with her mother. Some people aren't meant to have children, I think. Just stay strong and put in your time. In two years you'll graduate and eventually have your own family

[noor]

You should never hate your mother. Ofcourse there are times when we fight with our mothers over different issues and hate her in the heat of the moment. But we should understand that a mother gives birth, looks after the child and raises the child. She does whatever she thinks is best for her child. People are different. Some people criticise their children in the hope that they would feel ashamed and change. Or maybe your mom is frustrated that maybe you are not fulfilling her dreams. Or maybe she had a similiar childhood. Just imagine would you like that your children hate you when they grow up.

Every relationship has its ups and downs. Cherish the good memories you had with her. Try to communicate with her. Prepare a meal for her, take her to movies, play a game with her, buy her gifts, appreciate what she does for you and the family. Just spend time with her. Just give her a hug and watch her melt. She will really appreciate it & will love you for what you are. Remember you are a part of her, a sign of her love which she has for your dad.

[Little]

Should you never hate a mother who is physically, emotionally, or otherwise abusive? One who gives no love, but expects love in return?

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Hate is too strong a word for me.

You should distance yourself, understand we are all different and that it's toxic to remain around her, for your own well being and that of your future child or current children, it's important to be grounded and not allow what we went through as a child to reflect in the up-bringing of our children.

For sanity, it's important to forgive. Not to forget, but at least to forgive so we can move forward as well and not dwell on what we were dished out...

If there is ever a point whereby an apology is given, later in life, then you can work towards healing that rift.

But, in the case of abuse and un-loved... distance and getting on with life, without allowing it to affect us as a person for our own sanity and future to me is justified.

CW

[rmed057]

I think I understand where you are coming from. My mother has hit me so many times and still, I long for her in the most ridiculous ways. You have every right to hate her and also feel the anger. Do you ever tell her your feelings?? I don't and I wish I had the strength too. I may never but you have the same choice to make. Maybe you can tell her, talk to her... You are a smart girl like you said, you know who you are and what you can become. Don't let her bring you down.

[dolphinlefty]

Wow. I am very sorry for your situation. I am in a similar one but I don't even want to start on it. I have to go with someone else's advice from above. Don't hate her because then you'll just be consumed by it. Never get to the point where you feel you can pinpoint all your "problems" mentally, physically, or financially on her. It will just drag you down and make it near impossible to achieve your dreams. My main goal in my situation is to just keep trying to talk to my mom in small intervals. I can't handle her any more than that. I don't want to trust to hope and I will not let her awful words hurt me again, but I can't hate her either. I just don't want to be someone who hates. I've seen enough hating people to know, I never want to be like that. It's hard not to, a daily fight, but it's one I have to win for my siblings, my boyfriend, and my future-children.