Should I hate my mother?

[willow88]

So first off I am 20 years old and I live at home. It is currently summer so college term is over and doesn't start until next fall.

For the most part I have a happy life, as I am smart, outgoing and and sociable. But my relationship with my mother (if i said mom it may imply I somewhat love her) is borderline non-existant. I know this is wrong, and totally unnatural and it upsets me when I see how much closer my friends are with their moms.Basically I have never had any kind of relationship with her. She has no interest in my life or friends, I have no recollection of her ever telling me she loves me or hugging me, and the majority of our conversations revolve around how inadequete and selfish I am.

I feel like she has abandoned me and now resents me because I have a life and she does not. While I think i hate her, I almost feel its impossible because she has no real friends or life, and must indeed be sad and lonely and all I feel is saddness for her. I want her to be happy, but I can;t sacrifice myself to make her so.

But at the same time, I am not capable of forgetting all the nasty things she says to me (calls me fat (which i amn't), not pretty, , , pokes fun at my pale skin, selfish, awful person.) She is incapable of a compliment, and seems to love any mishap on my part. I do very well academically, and she waits for me to slip up to salt my wounds. She thinks I am a lazy, horrible, spoilt, selfish person, inconsiderate person, and it really breaks my heart. For the most part my life is quite happy, and our relationship passes mostly by in silence. If I manage to annoy her, it could be weeks before she even acknowledges my presence again. Mostly, we spend our time in total silence.

If it was anyone else treating me like this I would not care. But I feel because it is my mother, I think I have missed out on so many crucial bonding moments and memories. I dont have a support system to help me when I am down. I didn't have the help from her when I was going through my early teens, and everytime she shouts at me and knocks me down I feel what little confidence I gained die. I now have low self-esteem that I mask with false confidence. How can I even love myself when every day I am reminded of the fact that my own mother couldn't even love me. This makes me feel very sad and alone.

I don't think there is any relationship to salvage. I cannot escape her. If i remain silent, somehow a conversation I am not involved will be spun around to critisize me. I cannot stand her readiness to scream and shout me down, and somehow convince herself she is the victim. I know she is not rational. She has distorted her own reality to make herself the victim always. I do not think she understands that she does is wrong, but I still suffer from her cruel ways.

Am I wrong to want to forget her?

Because I am still stuck here with her, I am reminded everyday of the pain I endured as a child. I can;t move out and I have 2 more years of college. What can I do to help me forget and lose this sorrow?

[WildChild]

Why can't you get a job, get a roommate and move out?
What happened in her life that she is this way? It must have been something terrible. Does she have any siblings you could talk with, ask about their lives growing up? I'll be she grew up belittled and abused in some manner, else how did she turn out this way?

The college should have a counseling center that you can access for free. Do it. Get counseling, you don't want to carry this and end up repeating the cycle. It can really help to have someone who is not in the middle of the situation to talk to. You may have to visit with more than one counselor to find one you are comfortable with but do it, you have the rest of your life to live, get some tools to do a better job of it than she has done.

What about your father? Where is he in all this? Do you have any siblings? How does she treat them? At some point in time you need to sit her down and tell how you feel and to knock it off. But you have to be prepared for her to react badly so make sure you have a fall back plan - some place to go. You may want to postpone this until you graduate. Perhaps you could start with one point at a time? When she starts in, ie: you are fat, just state calmly," no, I'm not, why would you say that?"

Have you ever called her on her behavior?

[Tina Lee]

That's a tough spot to be in.

You need to get out of that situation. What about getting a room-mate, and moving out? As long as you are there, under her roof, I don't think things will change for you.

Your story with your mother sounds alot like my own. The best advice I can give you is 1. Like WildChild said -- to get some counselling, and 2. You need to get out of that environment.

Sorry I wasn't much help..

[willow88]

she isn't great to my older brothers, but I do tend to get the hard end of the stick.

I don't know what changed her and made her this way. She has poor health and takes alot of medication. But i genuinely think she is this way because she isn't happy with the way her life went. In truth, she was the lazy person that didn't really fight for what she wanted. I wont make that mistake. In two years i will graduate as an engineer. As for moving out, it doesnt really make sense. I have a time consuming course, and i live already 10mins from my university. My grades would most definately suffer for it. The good thing about the college term is I am hardly home anyways.

I have called her out on what she does, and it will always backfire on me (reversal of the victim thing.) She doesn't see what she does as wrong. As for her siblings, i thought about it, and never really felt I could acheive anything, as long as I live at home. Maybe in the future I'll be able to help her from a distance. But I can't as long as I live with her.

My dad is great. He no doubt loves me. But he could never replace a absent mother. There isn;t really any way to make someone think better of another person. Feelings are feelings, and its a measure of someones charactor to break certain cycles. I cannot see myself carrying on her behaviour in my future. I am too well aware of it, and apprehensive.

I don't think there is a fix for every problem, but every now and then, venting the issue can and pain is as good a therapy as any. But, years from now, when I am moved out, and I still feel the same way, perhaps then it's time to consider professional help.

For the most part, I don't believe what she says about me, but it hurts that someone thinks it true of me.

[petunia16]

google "narcissistic mother" or "children of the self absorbed".

If you can manage it, you need to move out... you are in a toxic situation. At least you are doing well in school... that's great

Only when you reach out for help, will you get it... you have to want to change the situation or it will never change. Counseling would definitely help, if you have insurance you should see if it would cover that.

Good luck!

[Little]

Or google "The Abusive Woman." Your mother sounds exactly like my mother. I don't call her "Mom" either ... for the same reason.
You are doing yourself no favor in staying at home; moving into the dorms was the best thing that ever happened to me. Certainly, it costs money, but you have to weigh out how much you value your daily sanity. Are you really staying home because it's the best thing for your education? Or is that just what your mother says? She'll have nobody to take out her frustrations on if you leave home. So even if her words lead you to believe you are the bane of her existence, really you're the backbone. She's channeling all the hate she has for herself into you.
There is no arguing or reasoning with a person like you've described your mother. Unless she herself gets into therapy AND gets a therapist who she CANNOT manipulate, things will not get better.
Think long and hard about distancing yourself from this situation and about moving onto campus. There are plenty of ways to finance it, and you may find that living there actually enhances your studies instead of hurts them. Think about what YOU want, what YOU feel the effects of getting out would be, not what your mother thinks or has told you.

[Joy]

Just because someone calls you lazy doesn't make it so. All the love you need is already inside of you. You don't need the nurturing of your biological mother to help you become an amazing Woman.

I know it hurts alot and she is jealous of you and your accomplishments. She wasted her youth on anger and self pitty. You are already aware of this you are already wise to her pathetic behavior.

You can't fix your mom and can't make your mom love herself and she won't be giving out much love till the day she does.

Join a women in business network in your area or a womens group and surround yourself with helping powerful women. You will learn more from them then some abusive woman in your life.

again just because someone puts you down doesn't make it so unless that is what you want to believe about yourself. Don't buy into the BS look within to know yourself don't let your abusive mother define who you are.

This is not your burden to carry it is hers and hers alone. She needs help with her anger and she spews it all over anyone who comes in contact with her which is really sad and pathetic.

Love yourself everyday and shine bright in spite of it all. One day when you are a complete success in your field of engineer study you can look at all the obstacles you have over come in life and be proud of yourself that you didn't let the OPINION of someone who is suppose to love you stop you. You are already a strong woman so don't stop now.

[Joy]

and no you should not hate your mother she already hates herself enough... hating her will only tempt you in crawling down the same path she has in life. You already know that is not the path you want to walk.

good luck in everything you do in life

[KaleenaC]

I would move out if I was you. A person misses you more if ur gone. Save up some money from a job than buy a really cheap apartment. Than save up more money so u can buy a nicer apartment. Than, invite ur mom over and say"U raise me so well even tho u didn't appreciate me.......Than help her out by sitting her down and talking to her. I always wanted to tie my dad to a chair. Tie her to a chair a talk to her, if she makes a nasty remark to u.....walk away.

[Kez]

Hi
I don't know. Do you enrol people in your story of your mother a lot? Do your dad and you agree on this story? And your brothers?
What if you were to invent a whole new way to thinking about your mother?
At 20 you are confident and yet have all your life ahead of you. Have you considered writing up your mum's story? From her perspective?
If you are studying engineering, then you are intelligent and can write.
Start with a flowchart of her life.
Parents - Birth - place - economic context - political context - social context - type of child.
Friends of family - early years.
Early schooling - friends - games she played - subjects she studied.
Later schooling - music she listened to (plus above) - boyfriends - best friends.
Courting period - boys she knew - how she and they got together and parted.
Work - bosses - colleagues - work processes - workplaces
Early parenting -
Do it as an exercise that can help you break the cycle. Take it on as a game. Do 15 minutes each day on the project, which includes finding out information from your mom and writing it up. Don't tell her what you are doing.
Write it up in a scrap book and add photos.
It will be therapeutic for you and won't harm your mom. And you can stay at home and continue your studies.
Don't do more than 15 minutes a day. It's an exercise, not an assignment. It's just about building your muscle to enjoy your mom.
best of luck.