driving him away

[dontwantthistoend]

please help me!

my boyfriend says that everything is fine that he will always be there but my low self esteem, controlling/mothering behavior, and clinginess must be wearing thin.


I'm seeing a counselor and trying to work on my problems. I want to be a better person and girlfriend. HELP ME LADIES!

[rcoreyus]

Well I'm a guy, but my advice is: Think about making him enjoy the time he spends with you. (And I hope he will do the same for you).

[caterpillar79]

Once I was very much like you (even be more than that): (very) clingy, tend to be controlling, low self-esteem, dependent and has separation anxiety.

Much of this I see is due to childhood issues I failed to outgrow. I am still dealing with it. I found this forum when I was desperately needy and was overbearing to my BF - we had cooled it off for almost a week. We each spent our ME time pondering what went wrong what each did wrong, and realized it was our failure to be self-reliant, to be independent and to be happy when alone.

I realized this and started being more focused on myself, had more time to chat and PM friends that I found here. and voiced out my opinion in various issues, even aired my secrets in my blog - vented pent-up emotions. It was a relief! I also started going to the gym on my own, which used to be spent together with BF, just hit the bookstore and spend 2 hours browsing, being with other people who I am platonic with, etc. This helped me appreciate more of him when we get back together, and so did he. I found out that the more fruitful you spend you alone time, your time together will also be.

Try to do things more independently - each of you. Go shopping, have a total wardrobe remake, get a haircut, pamper yourself. Go walk in the park and meet people who share the same interests, or just smile at them. Hit the gym, any club that interests you - I joined the Bonsai club. Just have something to do apart from what you and your BF do together so when you are together, you have a lot to share. you are not boring, you are fun to be with. this will also boost your self confidence. I did (though I have my episodes in the dumps, we manage, right?). You can. We're here to support.

[Hopeless Dork]

Am there. Doing that.

It's a huge step that recognise your self-sabotoging behavior some don't and think they are being completely rational and thats a problem. I know that I am insecure, I know that I need my boyfriend to reassure me every once and a while and I am trying to be more confident and trusting of his feelings.

Its HARD. Especially if life has dealt you blows that leave you feeling like you deserve less than you have... and you don't know how to accept it, and constantly fear losing it. Sometimes I've had the urge just to walk out on the happiest relationship of my life because I am scared that he doesn't feel exactly as I do. I think, I'd be better off alone.. knowing no one cares about me than believing someone might when maybe they don't.

Its stupid. No other word for it. I am glad I can see it too, and am trying to change how I feel about myself , to help change how I allow myself to feel about the way he feels for me. If that makes sense.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

When someone enters your life, they enter for a reason.

When someone stays in your life, they are staying for a reason.

If you can see this, then you won't need to cling because, they wouldn't be there if they didn't have feelings for you.

Instead, feel positive, feel happy and feel free because it's you that they chose and whom they are continuing to be with.

Look in the mirror and smile, place a post it sticker somewhere you will see it every single day, saying I love me and I am loved.

If only we would all live for the moment, instead of being so frightened of the future, because that fear turns to a question, that question, when is it going to end, and so you fight yourself daily for it not to end, which in turn fights the relationship to the inevitable, an ending.

Life for today and love for today, in yourself and whom surrounds you.

LOVE YOU...

First.

CW

[dontwantthistoend]

it is so hard to keep my thoughts from getting out of control- but i am taking everyone's advice. i've made plans with a few of my girlfriends and a girl from work. im determined to do things w/o my boyfriend!

i've also tried positive self talk.

coming here and talking to you ladies has already helped a lot! it is so wonderful to get some feedback/support from women who know what you are going through!!

[Tina Lee]

I guess the biggest realization in all this, is that everyone has that voice inside their head. That voice that says negative that we don't need to hear.

Yes I hear it too, and it is hard to keep a positive perspective on things. Some days you will win, and some days it will be a bit harder.

But it sounds like you're on the way to hearing a more positive voice. Good for you!

[yellowpiXi3]

WoW... ok... reading this thread touched close to home....


YOU have to be happy with yourself. IF you don't start doing things that YOU like... then just like what CW said its basically inevitable (the separation) i would have to agree with everyone else. focus on yourself first. people tend to give off this glow when they are confident, self sufficient, and positive. and it just attracts people. and might even make your bf be madly in love with you. BUT you have to do it for YOURSELF. not to "keep him"

[caterpillar79]

Am there. Doing that.

I know that I am insecure, I know that I need my boyfriend to reassure me every once and a while and I am trying to be more confident and trusting of his feelings.

I'm in the same boat, HD. I am confident enough about myself, but sometimes I doubt if he has the same feelings that I have for him. There are times that I get hyper-sensitive and tend to read through everything he says and does, that I hurt myself. I would be a hypocrite if I say I don't need his reassurance - I DO! Why do I feel jealous? Because once in a while, though I am confident, I'm afraid to lose what I have found and I want to guard it so no one can it take away from me . It is instinctively normal.

But since we are rational beings, we know how to deal with them and balance these emotions that, if unchecked could wreck havoc to the relationship that we cherish, right?

Today, I read an article which said that 90% of good-looking women are more insecure than the average looking ones. I find it interesting, something to start a thread with (don't you think?). LOL!

But what I am trying to say is that, it is normal to feel insecure at times, but to go on and let it take over your whole being? NOT HEALTHY. We feel it when something is brewing, when something out there is threatening...but, we have to keep our peace and be assured that if it's meant to be, it's meant to be. ZEN.

[WildChild]

Well this seems to be a theme for many of us. I don't think I'm controlling or clingy - maybe too much the other way. but have a long history poor relationship choices and rarely if ever getting what I want in a relationship. I tend to get into the trap of thinking that if I give enough, he'll start giving. But the men I've dealt with don't do that, they take but there is little reciprocosity, especially emotionally. It's hard not to think that somehow you just aren't worth it - especially if you've had a lot of it. When you give and give and find yourself just hoping for some kind words, something that shows caring...To look back and see how often it's happened, it's hard.

You have to keep doing nice things for yourself and being good to yourself. Telling yourself you are worth it. Men tend do what they do, usually regardless of how much pain it causes and then either get upset to learn you are hurt or defensive. Guess we are all slow learners?