driving him away

[dontwantthistoend]

ok......i was doing some snooping and it seems that my boyfriend is chasing this girl around the internet. i haven't found any evidence of suspicious comments or anything..I don't know. I'm just so threatened by her. Let me explain....

When we started dating he was still actively talking to this girl Donna. They are both 20, adopted, into photography and photo editing, and they also have the same sense of style. They have a lot in common. Well, I guess he had wanted to date her pretty bad but she lead him along. I know they had sex once but she never commited to him. 11 months ago when we had started dating she was sending him text messages like, " i miss you! you were the best sex i've ever had!" and pictures of lovers holding each other..Things like that...I told him it made me uncomfortable and asked him to ask her to stop. He did and she kept doing it..I asked him to stop talking to her. He said he would, and he didn't. After a few months the texts stopped...I'm pretty sure he hasn't seen her since. They had maybe a brief interaction at school one day because she had his portfolio so she gave it back to him..but they haven't hung out or anything.
Anyway, I HAVE checked his phone messages which I KNOW I shouldn't do....And I haven't seen anything from/to her....but I get the feeling it is because he deletes them.

He seems to still have a fascination with her. I've seen a few comments on various networking sites from him to her like, " post more art! I miss you!"

I don't know- she is younger than me, I think she is more pretty and interesting. I'm so worried that he wants her....

My head feelings unlogical and I feel like there is really nothing more I can say to explain this. Am I just worrying too much? Or is he wishing for something with this girl?

We ARE moving in together in a month, we spend quite a bit of time together, he says he loves me a lot...Oh I don't know...

[yellowpiXi3]

trust your instincts. im dead serious. the same thing happened to me with an ex. but he GAVE me all his acct and pw. i had an incling that he was being flirty to girls but i found out some stuff that hurt me. to top it off. i believed him when he said they were harmless. we moved in and after that it went to . i basically became a piece of furniture. and he ended up cheating on me.


I say be careful. how long have you guys been together? how old are you?

[Hopeless Dork]

Right now you don't have anything to go on but fear... fear that he created by not nipping her re-entry into his life in the bud. Not asking her to stop the goo goo ga ga love pictures himself and instead waiting for you to ask him to have her stop. That created an insecurity in you that now.. even though he may have cut off all contact you still have to worry and wonder.

I'd say to stop with the snooping, if you can't trust him, leave. If you think he deserves your trust work on finding a way to give it back to him. Talk to him about your feelings, tell him how you still worry he thinks of her, tell him why you still worry if he thinks you are just being jealous. Explain his letting her carry on the way she did made you feel he still holds interest for her.

Listen to his response to all that, let him attempt to make you feel better. Let him explain why he himself didn't break the contact when she was being out of line, or at least ask her to chill more.

If he refuses to comfort you, or ends up telling you things that lead you to believe he isn't over her, then decide if you can deal going forward with this relationship or not. But don't drive yourself crazy wondering and living in worry. No matter what happens, if he's going to go back to her -- he inevitably will, life just doesn't give us guarentees on things like love. You don't want to waste time you could be enjoying your life and him with snopping and playing detective and working yourself into a tizzy.

[starjoy08]

Treat yourself! Your are special! Be yourself. Poor self-esteem is hard to change but it will happen slowly. I struggle sometimes with thoughts or fears that my husband will wake up and decide that i am worthless. But I tell him that and he is so loving and caring, then it all goes away!! Everyday is a new day and a new gift! Good Luck

[MandyBee23]

First I'd like to just say this is a great thread and everyone has given wonderful advice to you, these comments actually help me because I am having these same issues.

He might be talking to her and he might not. I try to not think about things like that. I tell myself "he is coming home to me every night. If he cheats I'll just leave it's as simple as that (and it is just that simple, you will find someone better if it comes down to it). I don't need him I want him. I am not going to snoop because if he wants to cheat he will. He is the one that has to sleep at night knowing what he did." It took me a very long time to be able to say those things and I still have to say them often when I start to be unsure. But you start telling yourself things enough you will believe them, just like if you tell yourself "he is cheating etc" you will believe it even if it isn't true!

Things can be pretty crazy emotionally when you are in this kind of situation, I take a deep breath, tell my self the number one thing you need to tell yourself "I don't NEED him, I WANT him!" you start thinking like that and all this won't bother you anymore. Good luck girl! I know it's hard to deal and hard work ahead!

[caterpillar79]

This is a toughie. I also find myself WANTING to snoop...always am tempted! It's hard to fight it. I am scared of the known so, once this feeling comes, I remind myself that "ignorance is bliss".

But since you've done your snooping, you are in a more difficult situation. It's hard to deal with it, especially alone. This is the moment that you need his reassurance, but he won't be able to reassure you if he's unaware of it. Yet, telling him your feelings about it will open a can of worms: YOU SNOOPED!

Unless you are brave enough to admit your snooping activity and tell him how you feel about what you discovered, apologize for what you did and ask him to reassure you & compromise...there is nothing much you can do, but deal with it on your own.

MandyBee has a point. Fake it till you make it...tell yourself that you don't need him...tell yourself that you are strong. Take care.