suffering from a nervous breakdown

[Isabellacat]

I just need to vent. Nothing's going right and seems like people in general don't really care what I have to say...I've been through alot the past 5 years. I was homeless and was sexually assaulted ,I slept outside in a park,then had to live in a women's shelter ,had a place after that with a friend who was a heavy alcoholic and was verbally abusive towards me....during that time I've been in several relationships,one of them was also very abusive and I was raped. I had to stay in the hospital just to get away from that person. It was very awful and during that time I was very suicidal.

All of a sudden my friend whom I was staying with passed away in front of me a few months later. I am very traumatized by that and feel I don't have many people to talk about it. I loved my friend and it was a nightmare seeing what happened.5 months later after my friend passed, my ex girlfriend also passed from an overdose. I never had a chance to talk to her again and we had also made plans to hangout.

I've had a falling out with my therapist also...She's not very punctual returning my calls which has left me with alot of apathy. At this point I'm luckily in a safe place to live and finally have a good income but because of my experiences my agoraphobia has increased. I have'nt dated in 2 years after my friends passed and lately I have'nt been social. I am also traumatized from several incidents being sexually harrassed in public over the years. I peppersrayed a man a year ago just 2 blocks away from me....I never was in a situation like that and I am very sensitive to how people talk to me now and I avoid certain places.

I'm also going through some really bad low self esteem. I'm not very happy with my looks compared to other women. I feel totally ugly and what defines that is that I feel I don't get much attention and don't feel appreciated. I look at other girls and they're so normal and outgoing compared to me....I hate myself.

I don't know what to do.....I need some advice but don't know where to turn. I feel very frustrated and very alone.

So this morning I had a huge panic attack which i feel is still going on right now. Just have to vent this. I'm normally an easygoer but I've been so depressed. I don't know what to do.

[dr.mansview]

glad you feel comfortable enough to vent here..i'm sure there are women here who have felt your pain..hang in there isabellacat..

[Isabellacat]

thanks for the kind words...I don't know where else to vent this. I've tried other message boards but all I got was criticism because most message boards are predominantly male. I can't stand those kind of message boards and have been treated like on those sites.So I have to say I do feel relief finding this place tho.

I also wrote another thread here...I have a fear of flying which is also stressing me out alot. I had my biggest panic attack this morning. Whenever I go through that I get very short of breathe and my heart starts beating really fast and I start to panic and can't sleep. I have a good roommate now which is good because I don't think I can be alone right now. I'm having such a hard time coping with what I'm going through. I cry so much it's hard to breathe and concentrate. I'm very shy and really have alot of anxiety when it comes to dating and being social. People always talk about how that's a good thing but all I've experienced were bad and faulty relationships. I've been made fun of alot too...people saying I'm ugly because my breasts are'nt that big and other girls look better than me. Yea guys talk to me but usually not the ones who are my type and all they care about is sex and big breasts. I hate that...... I'm not perfect and seems like 'perfect' people don't go through that.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Hi Isabellacat,

Happy Ending wrote back to you on that thread, she also understands you, panic attacks, I am sure she will read this thread as well and talk further to you on that note, share experiences.

It's great when you find a Forum, that you feel comfortable with and can express, I'm glad you have stayed with us.

I looked at your photo and I don't see "ugly" at all, your very pretty and beautiful hair. There is no such thing as "perfect people".. The guys that want big breasts and sex only, aren't "real men" that's all, they are players.

I am sorry that your therapist isn't there for you when you need her ( i assume ) but rest assure we are here.

You mention a new job? Is it in the fields you expressed you love? You have a lot of hidden talents I think very arty, and alot of love, well that being evident for your love of cats.

Also because of the effect death has had on you from close friends, it just means that you have a lot of love to give.

Being shy is very difficult and talking on these sort of places can help over come that somewhat, as I said to you a while back, you've been here a while, start making friends, it's nice for us to say hello and share your day...

There are some really good positive things happening in your life now, a new flat mate your happy with and a new job...

How about sharing all of that with us here?

We can't change the past but we can work on the present and certainly the future.

CW

[Joy]

isabella you sound like a very strong person to have survived living homeless and in a womens' shelter and losing a friend right in front of you. You do have good coping skills but you've also experienced an overload of trauma.

you survived all of that and now in a safe place. Your whole being is probably trying to put it all in perspective and that would be a mental overload. There are lots of great people to talk to on this site.

[Isabellacat]

In reply to the last 2 posts.... CW:I currently don't have a job. I'm on social security. I feel very lucky I was accepted to get that because after my friend passed away I was very scared I was going back to the shelter again. I was even prepared to go back, as difficult as it is living in there I did have friends tho. Fortunately I got on disability insurance because my doctor wrote a letter and a very close friend of mine who met me when I was homeless with my friend who passed accepted me to live with her too. So far it's been over a year and it's been working out. She's alot older than me(63) but so far we've been getting along really great. Little arguments here and there but we always find a way to resolve things and compared to the other people I've lived with, she's the most peaceful and understanding one. So yes,as far as having a place to stay and money I feel blessed. It happened at the right time also because the women's shelter closed down last August because the city of SF does'nt want to fund it anymore,which is a real shame. I wish had a job but I can't now because I get as much as if I had a job anyways. It's been 2 years since I had a job tho,guess that's kind of recent. As far as my therapist goes....we had a falling out partly because I missed a bunch of my appointments during my time of great turmoil,but I feel that does'nt excuse her for not calling me back promptly. I'm offended by that. She's good with beaurocratic matters but emotionally she's not there for me really. I am planning to write her an email tomorrow and see if I can start seeing her again.


I'm an artist and have been drawing my own characters for many years now. I even went to the Art Institute even during when I was living at the shelter. The homeless shelter was hard but it was'nt bad either. Because I got accepted in school ,the shelter placed me in their housing program but I made a few mistakes while I was there. I accidently left the shelter because my friend had movced down the street and one night I stayed at her place and did'nt go back. I could'nt stay in school because of the relationships,drugs and alcohol I got into. I admit looking back that was a huge mistake but I hated the curfew the shelter gave me. I felt like I was living in a convent and had certain addictions that affected my stay there, but looking back I always wonder what would have happened had I stayed there.

I've always been into art. I also love music and play guitar and I sort of have my own band at the moment. I play with a drummer and funny he also used to be my boyfriend....really frustrating. I met him on a music website but that site is mostly immature rocker guys and they put me down and made fun of me because they think a woman can't play hard rock.Only if she does death metal growl vocals and looks like a playboy model but I don't like death metal and I don't look 'perfect' to the heavy metal crowd.I really want to fire my drummer but at the moment I don't have much of a choice cos he's the only drummer I know now,but he does'nt seem very committed to my music,just does it whenever he feels like it. He does'nt like girl singers either(only if they do that dumb death metal growl)and criticized my singing saying I sound like a little girl. So lately I've been having this huge artistic block....I'd love to meet new people I can make art and play music with. I don't feel my music is going anywhere. Yea I always thought this for a longtime too and I quote you .."The guys that want big breasts and sex only, aren't "real men" that's all, they are players"... yeah I totally agree for a longtime but seems like there's more player boys then real men out here. I'm just so sick of that...I don't live in a bad neighborhood but it's not all that good either. So many of the whistler player types around here and it's so annoying. I feel PTSD whenever I hear a car horn or a loud whistle and just today I heard a guy call a girl the B word just right in front of my house. I don't feel safe around here to be honest an these boys drive around blasting their awful gangsta rap music which is such a turnoff. Anyways besides that...yes I do love cats and have two cats living with us and they're very sweet.

Anyways to Joy...yeah people have said the same thing 'Oh you're strong.." lol but I don't feel I am alot of times but that's a nice thing to say. I feel blessed to have made it through not being homeless again. I just really miss my friends. My friend who passed was 58 and she had some health problems...What really bothers me is that I tried giving CPR to her but she did'nt make it.She was very close to me...I don't know if I'll ever overcome that which is why I don't feel strong emotionally. I'd be out somewhere and all of a sudden I'll start crying in the middle of the store or wherever.The memory of my friend in front of me just paralyzes me.Also thinking about the relationships I've been in and why they did'nt work. I was verbally and physically abused and I feel messed up because these were people I gave my time to and cared about.I look back and wonder why I did'nt escape their abuse when I could have.I just feel I need to meet new people but don;t know where to look. I tried dating last December but it just totally fell apart...he was an old acquaintance but I just could'nt feel anything so I broke it up. Been alone since and that's one of the reasons why I am so depressed.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

My bad, but you do have a job and it is in the field that you love, be it that you make money or don't, that's wicked that your in a band. I'm an ex singer, I loved singing but same, I got critizied because I only liked blues music or Barbara S style music, soulful, that was me.. But, I kept going and just said pfttt... People liked my singing it was the bosses that wanted me to try different songs why? So they could make more money, took me years to work that out, I could sing... just wasn't making them the money they could have.

I think your being hard on yourself regarding CPR on your friend and she didn't make it, you did all you could, she would know that... It is however, so hard losing someone you love and for that I am sorry.

We can all ask " what if" but we choose what we do for a reason at that time, you probably felt safe in that environment at that time, it's fine.

I think sending an email is a good idea.. but remember, Doctors can't be emotional, they are tought not to be, imagine their heart breaking over every one whom passed themselves, or for every one whom they couldn't help succeed in what they needed to, they would be a mess themselves.

Personally? I would love to see some of your art, not sure if you have posted any on your page but why not share it with us?

I have been on a few sites, and i agree some are so stupid in the way in which they interact, and as for what you quoted from me? Well, all single women are SICK AND TIRED of those guys, they really are everywhere..

But, I have also learnt and seen and met, alot that aren't... Never be anyone but yourself, you will attract the right ones to you, but you have to let go of alot of the past first and see the beauty in yourself.

I am saying what I say to everyone there, not you specifically. I have been down roads myself, we all have.

So you don't mention family? No one there your close with?

Nephews? Nieces?

You do seem to know what has happened in life and what you want out of it, that's a damd sight more than alot of people in life. You should congratulate yourself...

It's nice talking with you thanks for replying and not leaving us.

Let me ask you?

What makes you laugh?

What makes you happy?

I think you have alot of SOUL......

CW

[happy ending]

ok sweetie, this is just my experience, my life was in no way as bad as yours, but certainly wasnt much fun. when i was married to an abusive drunk, working for an nasty boss, i survived by somehow making myself as numb as possible. when i finally quit and left and was safe in my own happy little place as are you now, i was overwhelmed by negative feelings, i didnt go out, didnt sleep well, cried everyday, was just a mess. but then got through it. i think when things where bad, you closed part of yourself off - as a survival technique, now things are better you are feeling more secure, all this has floated to the surface, for you to deal with so you can move on, maybe you are a strong person, but you have just had to much to cope with.

have you ever seen those refugee camps on the news, the people in them have lost so much and they just have that shocked empty look, i bet thats how you feel. i hope things continue to improve for you. that one day all this sadness and suffering will have taught you lessons you can draw on.

i hope i am making some sort of sense to you.
take care.

[Isabellacat]

ohh my life is'nt all that bad.i'm aware of some of my blessings like having a place to live,having an income,and freedom to pursue my interests...i relate to alot what you say tho. Wow sounds like me now...i hardly go out,i sleep irregular hours,yes i feel like a mess.i just never had anyone dying in front of me before and i'm sure not alot of people experience that. i used to be really naive and think people were really nice....i'm still hurting from the abuse.

I have this heavy yearning to get out of the state I'm in.I'd like to be outgoing,have a nice boyfriend who would take me out..friends to come over and hangout...after my last date it just really left me jaded. For awhile I've been totally hating guys,not trusting people much....with i had a female friend i can hangout with.After my last friend passed away,it left a void because she was supposed to hangout with me. I have a friend who moved to New York also and we had an argument last time she came over to visit. She made me very upset by commenting I need to work out cos she thinks I'm getting fat but the next day she wanted to go to the beach. I felt soo hurt by what she said, I felt so self conscious about my body I could'nt hangout with her after that.Especially not at a beach after the comment she made. I feel like people want to criticize more than actually help and they get a kick out of it which is really mean.

I feel a little better tonite tho....still really depressed but physically feeling a little better.


I have a tendency to share too much about myself on a board of strangers and I guess some people reading this think what I'm saying is too much and avoid the thread all together. I feel a little embarrassed but at the same time okay that I've vented what I've been going though.Oh well.... Yeah one main reason i don't look at alot of message boards is because of how they interact like CW said.It's so lame....thank gawd there is'nt a thread here talking about football lol or posting gross pics.

None of my family is living close to me now. My mom lives in Las Vegas now and last time i saw her she came by for my birthday...i called her up yesterday. My sister lives in Orlando with my grandparents and they raised me.

[Isabellacat]

What makes you laugh?

Gosh...let me think..... making funny faces and acting goofy. Singing old songs with an exaggerated British accent. Aww those were the things my friend used to do to cheer me up,but now that she's gone it's not the same.Think last time I really busted up laughing was a month or two back when I saw this show on youtube about this cute nerdy guy who plays videogames and curses at the games. But then I got depressed cos I developed a crush on him and learned that he's married and made me feel like a total dork.



What makes you happy?

.....Having hot guys hitting on me and appreciating me. When people say I'm sexy.....going out with some girl friends and feeling wanted and not left out. Feeling popular and having some purpose.

Personally listening to music makes me happy too but I miss being social.