I just need advice.

[Tama]

OK, so I know that there are probably other threads dedicated to this problem. But, I believe each relationship is different, therefore, each relationship problem is different.

My husband and I have been married for almost 2 yrs. We met in highschool, and dated for 2yrs after highschool, before we got engaged and then married. We are (or were) pretty happy together. We work together at a good, secure job and we just bought a new house. We have fun together and until recently we had a pretty amazing sexlife.

Something changed all that. We lost 2 employees at once and ended up having to pull double 3 days a week. this means that Monday morning through Thursday evening, we were trading off day and night shifts.
Of course this causes stress, because we are stuck only seeing eachother in passing. And obviously our sexlife the past month has suffered from this.
But, it's part of our jobs as managers to cover the shifts until new clerks can be hired.
And I though that the both of us understood that this was just a temporary thing. That this was just part of work and it would be over soon and we could ge back to normal.

Now, just to be clear, I do take some responsibility for this. I don't want to be one of those women that comes on here and posts a thread about how awful their husband treats them and how they are perfect saints in return. Working the way we had been for the past month was stressfull. And I know that there were times when my husband and I got into stupid fights over small things. But, when it was all said and done, apologies were exchanged and we were ok.

OK, so down to the problems. I'll list chronologically.

About 3-4 months ago I got upset because I found out my husband was IMing some 17 yr old in the UK.
We are both pretty big online gamers, so when he said it was someone he met on a gamesite, and was helping with her homework, I beilieved him. As weird as it sounds, this isn't the first time either of us has done this to help someone out. I believed him but I did tell hm that it bothered me, and I wasn't comfortable with it.
He said that he thought I was being silly but said he would stop if it really did make me that uncomfortable.

At the end of May, I found out he had been role playing with that 17 yr old again. This time he had given her his cell phone number, and they were texting back and forth. I found out because while he was in the shower, his phone went off and I picked up the phone to see who was calling becasue his phone is the one we use mainly for work related things.
It turns out herecieved a text message from Tim? but it was odd because it was role playing with some one who kept calling him master.
Two things wrong with this. 1) Tim? is the name of my husbands best guy friend who isnt into RPGs. 2) The number displayed was not Tims.
Of course this upset me very much, and I confronted my husband right then and there about it. There was nothing sexual in the texts, but the fact that he had given out his cell phone number to some girl online infuriated me. I told him it needed to stop. He promised that he would and said he didnt think I would get so upset and he deleted the number from his phone right then and there.

Last Tuesday night, I was going to wake my husband up with sex, it was like 2 in the morning, but I was in the mood. I was just about to start messing with him, when his phone went off. I checked it to make sure it wasn't our night clerk, but of course it was another text. This one sent from my little brothers name. The text said something about being "lonely stuck at my dads house for the week" I have custody of my little brother, and he was staying at a friends house that night. The number displayed was not my little brothers but the one that belonged to that girl.

I lost it. I admit that. I went through everything of his. I checked all of his email accounts that I knew of, I checked his Instant Messengers, I checked all of his gaming profiles.
He met this girl on (EDITED). It is a gaming site. He started talking to her and at first it was things like, "Help me out wuth this quest" and "can you helpme with my home work?". Normal stuff. But it changed into the two of them IMing constantly or texting, there was even a cam2cam chat at one point.
But the fact that he was hiding all of this didn't bother me nearly as much as what I read in those messages.
He would complain about how lazy and mean I am. He would tell her how much he loved her.
There was even one email about how much he loved her smile, and spent every moment of everyday waiting to get a text or email from her.
In one message she said that she despised me, this girl I had never met or talked to. And he told her he felt the same way too.
He told her he was saving up money to move up there sao that he could be near her.
And always he was saying how he hoped I would divorce him soon, and he couldn't way to be free.
And all the while he was sending these things to her, he was sending me texts saying he loved me, like he always did. And when we were home together, even if we were to tired to have sex, we slept wrapped around each other. And as far as I knew, every thing was ok. But the whole time, he was telling some other girl how much he loved here and her ed smile, and how much he couldn't stand me.

It hurt so bad. And it still does. I confronted him about all of it. I've never been one to just roll over and take it.
We spent a whole day talking. Me asking him what I had done to make him feel that he needed to turn to another person for affection. Him telling me that we haven't been able to spend enough time together, he was lonely, and that my behavior towards him had changed and I was becoming mean towards him.

Again, we both had been stressed because of work lately, and I know I snapped at him, but when I caught myself doing it I immediately apologized. If there were other times I snapped and didn't notice, I wish he would've said something, you know?
I want my marriage to work. When I said my vows, I meant them, and I believe we can work through this. He sadi he wants to work through it too.
He deleted all online accounts except for email account that doesnt have an IM feature. and to be fair I did the same.
I know the password to his email and he knows the pasword to mine.

He said he didnt have any problem putting all of this behind him and starting fresh. That's great and all but I do have a problem with it.

I can't stop wondering what this girl looked like. I can't stop myself from having a panick attack every time he gets a txt message. And every day this week I have checked his email.
I want to trust him, I really do. But I can't stop myself from being suspicious about everything he does, and I'm afraid that this behavior from me is going to cause even more problems. I hate feeling this way. I love him and I dont want to not trust him. I can't seem to start moving past all of this. I dont want to push him further away.
Does any body have any advice? I just hate the way I am right now and I don't see myself moving on anytime soon.

[Hopeless Dork]

He violated your trust. That is going to take some time to repair. If he loves you, he will be understanding and patient while you go through this. He should not be defensive, he should be compassionate. Many women would have walked out discovering what you did, it shows you are gem that you are trying to work it all out.

It's okay to feel the way you feel. I don't think it would make you feel any better to see her face, you will only think of it and compare yourself to it and it just wont do any good at all. I understand your need to see it, to feel the total and complete pain of it all and just be able to hurt and release and let go and go back to being the carefree you that you once were.

It will come in time, he has to regain both your trust AND respect, the wounds are fresh and we all know how time works on them. Give it that.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

It is very difficult to forget... It's worse when there is no closure...

You will more than likely continue checking the computer, mobile and even see if there is a second mobile phone, this is going to eat at you.

It's good that you sat and talked about it for a day and worked through the problem, communication is a great tool in a marriage.

Focusing on negative energy won't get you anywhere.

He has lost your trust, because he has stated he deleted a number but then continued communicating and worse, put you down, mentioned divorce and mentioned moving closer to her.

I can only say that if he does that further down the track, he was going to do it anyway, meaning, focus on the belief that he won't, doesn't want to and work on the laughter and smiles back into your marriage.

It's the only way you are going to win in this...

Know your worth and why he fell in love with you and married you to start with and work back into that sphere....

Maybe as well, you should consider Managing different stores, same hours but different stores, have some "time out" from each other, instead of being in each other's pockets and definately, have a life as well as with him, of your own, hobbies and friends.

CW

[Joy]

I would have flipped too.... Men don't realize its the lies we women we can't stand in the end its the LIES dealing with the same thing at this moment. I feel for ya and I hope you husband goes above and beyond to regain your trust.

[WildChild]

I went through something like this with my first husband - we didn't have pcs or cell phones then - it was letters, poems and such. I found a letter he's written to an old gf telling her he'd only married me because he couldn't have her and how much he still wanted her and would leave me in a heartbeat if she simply said the word. When I confronted him and was going to leave he threatened suicide, very dramatically. I stayed, nothing changed.
My recent ex and his daughter spent a lot of time talking and emailing about how awful I was. I stuck with him through multiple illnesses and repeated, lengthy periods of unemployment. There were years without sex. I dealt with all that, what finally got me was his complete disreguard for me, there was no affection, no caring and he was occasionally agressive toward my son. I talked to him about it several times over three years and nothing changed, if anything it got worse.

I finally left. Financially it's been tough, but not much different from when I was married to him and I'm much, much happier. We did go into counseling, he expected the counselor to "fix" me. After meeting with the man, the counselor asked me why hadn't I left long before?

By all means do what you feel you should, give it another try if that seems appropriate. But be prepared, in case it continues. He has sneaked and lied, he has bad mouthed you and belittled you. Counseling might help.

[yellowpiXi3]

the internet can be a powerful tool. you can look up ANYONE if you know where they are from; first and last name. anything from social network sites, emails, blogs they have will come up.

i know its tough...but if you want to see how she looks like that's your best bet. i am not saying to snoop INTO your husbands stuff. but the internet is public. (keep that in mind) i only say to do this bc it will give you some what of a piece of mind..BUT beware it can bring up stuff. so if you aren't prepared to do deal with those demons i suggest NOT to do it. its tough trying to trust someone. but if you want your marriage to work. you will have to do that.

[HALFNOTHING]

if i were you.. i will let my keyboard broken into his face.. letting him into game is not letting him to do what he wants.. he gone out of limit..

[Dannie Lyn]

Some men can be "oinkers"..If he's willing to let it go and start fresh then you gonna have too also..If that's what you want of course!..If he wasn't serious about it, he will screw up again!

[Tama]

I just wanted to say thank you , for all of yourinput. I know he screwed up, and I've had a couple of friends say I should leave him. But, like I said, I do love him, and I meant when I said, "For better or worse". I guess my biggest problem is that he [U]is[U] willing to work things out.
He is very eager to start over. And for that I am grateful. If he had tried to stop me from deleting his accounts and such I think I would have been even more upset. But, when we talked about all of this we both agreed that the past monthhad taken its toll on us. And he apologized profusely, said there was no excuse for what he did, and he just wanted to start again. Which is great.
But I cant get over it. It was only a week ago that this has all happened, and I think I'm entitled to a little bit of freak out time.
But, he's getting upset at me for not trying to move past it all. And, even though he is truly sorry, I don't think he realizes how deeply this all hurt me, and I'm not sure how to tell him that I'm going to need more than a few days to get past this.
And as far as counseling, any suggestions on where to go? Keep in mind that while we are financially stable, I don't think we could afford to go to a couples therapist. Is there any chance that maybe our church would offer? I'm alittle embarassed to get counseling from my pastor, whom I've known for 5 yrs, and my husband has known his whole life.
I really appreciate all the support you guys have given.

[WildChild]

It will take some time to come to terms with this. Talk to him, tell him how much you love and desire him, how happy you are that he wants to work things out. Work is the operative word. You gave him your love and trust, he wounded it and wounds take time to heal and sometimes they require some therapy and extra work to rebuild the strength.

He feels guilty and wants you to simply forget it all so he won't have to face how much his actions hurt you and the relationship. Help him understand that the innocence of your trust is gone, that can't be restored (it's kind of like virginity). You now have to build trust and that means he will have to take the time and effort to show you that you can trust him and trust his love. You will have be aware of his efforts and show your appreciation for that. You can rebuild this and have something realistically adult and deep and true, but it won't happen overnight, he needs to understand that.