feeling guilty while my brother suffers

**yellowpiXi3** · 07-07-2009 06:07 PM

so recently my brother called me asking for money. i said no. but now i feel bad bc i just got a car. but as i look back he got everything handed down to him. and i felt like i got nothing. my parents paid off his car, loans, bills, and co-signed on a bike for him. i feel he's using everyone in my family to hit up for money. and i feel like i owe him something bc he's been there emotionally for me. i don't know how to stop myself from feeling guilty i got something for myself when my brother needs something.

half of me feels bad but another half is angry because my parents didn't do half the stuff they did for him for me. i had to pay MY student loans, i sacrificed a shitload to get where i am now. and on xmas i had presents for my him and my nephew and he said he couldn't come by bc they were busy...but then later asked if he could stop by and borrow a camera. wtf?!

my bf took him, my nephew and me out for dinner once...he didn't even say thank you. my bf says "you reep what you sow" and i agree. but its just difficult. like i want to be pissed. but i can't. i also learned that my sister offered him a job at her workplace. he kept giving excuses. and didn't even call back. then last week, he asks me if my work had any openings. wtf?

i don't know how to feel about this.

**WildChild** · 07-07-2009 06:11 PM

It sounds like he has spoiled. You that really means the same thing with people as it does with fruit. I may look ok on the outside but you don't want to partake of it. He needs to deal with some of the realities of life and one of those is that as adults we have to stand on our own two feet. The sooner he learns this the better off he will be. Otherwise he will continue to live a life of dependency.

You have nothing to feel guilty about. It's not like you got everything handed to you and are leaving him living on the street.

**yellowpiXi3** · 07-07-2009 06:30 PM

Did i mention he's 11 years older than me. i am 26. If this were any other person i'd be like tough luck, that's life. But he was there for me emotionally when no one was. My family has always bailed him out on almost everything. My dad even took care of his car repairs! While he had his own job.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 07-07-2009 06:31 PM

Smile, in the knowing that you understand "values" in life because you had to work for them yourself and as a result you will get somewhere in life as you are, have, you worked to get that car.

Parents sometimes give to the elder and then hand down, not realising the pain of that to the sibling, maybe this is what really occured. My brother got everything, and I was the one left out so I get that feeling. Fortunately, though my brother and I work our butts off, we are the same, we work for what we achieve.

We love people for who they are, or should. We are all different people in this world.

The thing that we don't realise is that you don't "give" to expect back... So you didn't "receive" so that you have to give back. You gave because you wanted to, he did the same, he may have been there for you, but because he wanted to, and let's face it, he wouldn't have been there emotionally for you if he didn't want to as there was nothing in it for him.

The best thing you can do is let him learn to stand on his own two feet, he has been offered a job, he declined.

He is selfish, "it's not what I want to do" , so na I'm busy and then later, oh sugar I need a Camera, hey sis?

He is who his is.

If it was life threatening, you'd give him money but he has a means and way to earn it and has rejected it.

You keep going down your path of where you want to go in life, simply say now that you have to repay monthly for the car, you haven't a cent left.

Don't feel guilty.

Be there emotionally as well for him...

But, you have to let him realise that he needs to stand on his own two feet, giving money to him won't allow him to see that.

CW

**Joy** · 07-07-2009 07:32 PM

He is 11 years older.... I wouldn't feel bad at all your parents parenting style changed between his birth and yours. you've worked hard and have been taugh alot of great life skills that he still has trouble with.

You should be really proud of yourself

money doesn't equall love.... it doesn't mean you love him any less not at all.

**yellowpiXi3** · 07-07-2009 07:40 PM

well i always felt that my "parents" always gave more to their own kids. yeah... i'm adopted. explains the whole feeling lonely thing. they treat me like family (sometimes) but they also exclude me or don't tell me things. i guess i also choose to be a part from them. i got tired of hearing "we adopted you...you owe us..." " if we didn't do this for you...you would be blah blah" "if it weren't for us...blah blah" well you get the point.

**WildChild** · 07-07-2009 09:19 PM

Darling they chose you. But you are right sometimes there are differences. They may have realized that they made some mistakes with him or just got caught in a pattern. Saw the opposite happen with some of my cousins. They were hard on their birth son and spoiled their adopted son. People are funny creatures.

**happy ending** · 07-07-2009 09:35 PM

my mother always favoured her sons. they didnt have to do household chores, while the girls where expected, gave my older brother a car that she had promised to sell me, while my brother and i lived at home although he earnt more than me, i had to pay board he didnt. it really didnt do him any good, he didnt work, lazed around etc. all i am saying is dont feel responsible for your brother, it was nice he was there for you emotionally and it sounds like you are there for him. but emotional support doesnt have a dollar value attached to it. let him learn his own lessons, be there but not financially. he sounds a bit manipulative, so stand up for yourself. take care!

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 07-07-2009 10:11 PM

My Mother favoured my brother as well sweetheart and I always told my Mother " I am adopted", because I was so different, still am..

Now at 46, my Mother realises alot of things she did that was wrong and she made me cry on my birthday, just past, with a card which expressed the love in me, that I am and how proud she is to call me her daughter.

It's a sad thing that people make comments that hurt, but eventually, they realise their mistakes.

Keep smiling sweetheart, your a strong girl with a good heart and alot to achieve with your life...

Remember, it is your life.... Go ahead as you want to, in it.

CW

**ThexMrs** · 07-11-2009 04:10 PM

So here is the thread, ha. Be more specific next time honey!

Alright... I'm sorry that you are feeling this way. You should not feel guilty though. When people are handed everything to them they never learn how to get things themselves. They ask everyone and I mean EVERYONE for what they need. If you continue down this path of giving him what he wants just like everyone else think of where he will end up. That's not a good thought. Do not feel guilty. He needs to learn and if it ends up being the hard way then it ends up being the hard way. Sometimes it takes the hard way for people to wake up and see things for what they are.

As for what your "parents" say to you. That's just plain awful. No parent should ever say anything even close to the effect of well... "I adopted you, you owe me, where would you be if I hadn't, etc." That is just cruel and I could see why you stay away from that.

What your boyfriend says is right. Trust him on that.