Mothers of Teen Boys

[Tama]

Hello all, I recently posted a thread in the relationships section. I got alot of good advice and support there and thought I'd come back for more.

First, a little background. I am 21 yrs old, married, and I currently have custody of my little brother, who is actually 16.
We came from parents who, for as long as I could remember, cheated on each other and ran out on us.

My problem is that my brother is having trouble in school. He's not stupid, or even a little slow. At the contrary he qaulifies for advance classes, and is amazingly quick to pick up on new things.
My problem is that when he is in school, this past school year for example, he just wont turn in his work.
When his grades first started slipping, I suggested that we move him back to normal classes. I didn't like the idea, because he has so much potential to excel in those classes, but I thought maybe if he had a lighter work load he would actually turn in his home work and boost his grades back up.
When that didn't work, I tried forcing him to go to tutoring, so that if he had any questions he could get help. I tightened the reins as far as his priviledges at home, and even went as far as coming home early from work to sit with him while he did his home work.
Well, that didn't do me any good because somewhere between my house and his classroom the assignments he had finished, would disappear and he wasn't turning them in.
Towards the end ofthe year I had to endup walking with him in the mornings to make sure he turned the assignments in. Not only that but I had every teachers number and email address, and kept up with every asignment, and followed up with an email, to be sure it got turned in if I couldn't go with him.

I don't want to do this again this year. He came so close to failing 2 classes last year and I just don't understand why, as smart as he is, he won't just do the work. Or why, when he's put the time and effort into doing the work, he won't just turn it in.
I got a promotion at work, that is actually going to make things better as far as my homelife is considered, and I'll be able to put more money into his college fund. But I'm not going to be able to follow him around and make sure he does his work. I will porbably still do follow ups with his teachers, but he is going to be turning 17 soon and he needs to start taking responsibility for himself and his future.

I've talked, I've yelled, I've punished, I don't know what else to do.
Does any one have any advice?
It makes this especially hard, because I know I'm not his mother, but I am his sister and I love him very much. I just want him to be able to succeed, because he is so amazing, and if he just tried a little, he could go so far inlife. Idon't want him to hold himself back.

[WildChild]

I have two teens, one son who is still in HS and a daughter who is starting college. Both are honors/AP students. You really can't force him, you are going to have be a bit cleverer than that.
He may not see much purpose in the homework - really a lot of it is just busy work and smart kids often don't have much patience with that sort of time waster.
What are his interests?
Does he want to go to college?
Are there any teachers he seems to like or to have a connection with? Even one from previous years? You could talk with them and get their input. Perhaps they would be willing to encourage him.

If he has an area he is interested in, start visiting colleges. You can start in your state. Texas has some excellent universities. Let him see what the environment is like and the differences between the OK colleges and the really good ones. Contact the school's counseling office and find out when and where the top universities will be visiting your area. Where I live they typically come to one of two HS and do recruitung presentations for students in this part of the state. We learned about Harvard, MIT, Yale and several others, met their reps, set up interviews for my daughter for some of them. She chose a highly respected local private university which offered her an excellent academic awards package. My son, who has 3 years of HS to go got really excited about MIT and has been gearing his studies to their admission requirements.

Help your brother understand that these top school work differently. For example at MIT they retain 98% of their freshmen, there are no grades the first term and the second term grades aren't on the permanent record. Students can't declare a major until the end of their freshman year-the faculty works with them to determine what will be their best fit. They are highly selective but work hard at helping their students succeed. This is completely different from most state universities which have all the 'weed out' courses the first year- designed to fail a fairly high percent of the students. The question is what does he want to study? In what kind of environment?

Or does he think he'd prefer to learn a trade? What he has to understand is that he is laying the ground work for his future. Education can really count if you use the system to your best advantage. School sucks as a rule. I mean really, it's often a warehouse for kids. The smart ones are mixed in with those who have serious problem, are disruptive or can't learn. I've known some wonderful teachers whom the system crushed and some awful ones who will never be fired. If you (and your brother) are proactive, do your research, speak up, look for resources and insist on options and answers - you'll find there are options and opportunities that a lot students don't utilize. It really is true that the squeeky wheel gets the grease. I used to joke that my kids middle school probably had me programmed in the caller ID as "trouble". I got them out of bad teacher's classes (not just because they didn't like them but because there was a problem with the teaching). You only get one shot this time period, it's a time of huge growth and development.

I have people always telling me how "lucky" I am to have such great kids. Luck had nothing to do with it. I worked my tail off at it, most of the time it was fun, I enjoy them but you are acting as a parent. You can't let anything slip past you. This doesn't mean doing it all for them and making it easy but it does mean not letting them slip through the cracks, not letting t hem get away with being less than can be, not being a drill sargent but teaching them to reason, to look at possibilites, to examine what the rewards and pain could be for their choices. Your goal is to get them into adulthood as caring, responsible, productive, happy people.

You are still very early in adulthood yourself. This is a lot to take on. Talk with your brother, make a partnership if you can. Whatever has gone on with your family, someone must have done something right to help you become such a caring, responsible person. As an older woman, with "good" kids, I'll be happy to talk with you and offer whatever insight I can. Allow me to say that what you are doing is really great and you must be quite a young woman!

[Tama]

Donlt think me awful if I say that my parents did nothing right. They were more of a what not to do guide than anything else, I was just stubborn enough to realize that I didn't want to be anything like them, and didn't want my little brother growing up the way I did.
I fought long and hard to find a judge that would grant me custody, and not over look serious abuse problems, just because I was nineteen at the time.
I have talked to him about college to try and get him motivated, but he just does not want to go.
I asked him what he wanted to do and he told me he wanted to fly planes. Which is obvious if you ever go into his room. Model planes are all over the place, along with posters of fighter jets.
He wants to go into the army and get trained there, and he's heard all the hub-bub about the army paying for your school.
I have 2 older brothers that went into the army and they signed the contract saying they wanted to train and go to school for a specific occupation. But the army sent them all over and back to the point that they just didn't have time to go to school, and ended up getting the job experiance and work training in the areas that the army needed rather than the area they chose. I've asked, and this is not a new thing. They promise to send you to school, and then make sure you're where they want you anyway.

I don't want my lil bro signing a contract that is going to lock him in a high stress occupation, that he hates.
Not to mention the fact that, he doesn't need the army to pay for school. Since my first job in highschool, I've been putting money aside for him. I knew no one else was going to make sure he had the tools he needed to be what he wanted, so as soon as I started saving my money for college I saved for him too.
If he wanted to go to Texas A&M right now, I could walk in and pay cash for his first term. And if he would get his grades up he could also qualify for scholarships and grants.
But he just doesn't see how, working his tail off now is going to benefit him in the future. And I still haven't found out what it is that will push him to try harder.
I appreciate your advice. And I hope you'll keep trying to help me out. I don't really have any other adults to look up to and ask for help.

[WildChild]

How about the air force? No doubt there that he'd have something to do with planes. They are pickier and require more to get in, which could be a motivator for him to study more.

[Tama]

Been there, he was told that unless he got laser eye surgery he'd never see the inside of a jet.

[WildChild]

Maybe that could be a motivator. He wants to fly. How bad does he want it?

[Tama]

He wants it very badly. But it was the airforce recruiter that told himit just wasn't going to happen. Didn't really help out the motivational aspect of it all.
He wants the surgery so he can fly and I want to do that for him, but I'm afraid of puting that much money towards something that may or may not help him reach his goals.
The surgery is proven to help, but about 14% still have to wear glasses or contacts. Our insurance doesn't cover the surgery. And I'm terrified that we'll use his tuition money to do the surgery, and then he still wont be able to fly.

It's just an odd situation.

[Little]

Do you have a Civil Air Patrol (CAP) around you? I wasn't part of it, but some of my friends were. They have a military-like structure, give flight lessons, etc. He doesn't have to be in the military to fly. It's something to look into.
Also, has he tried Navy recruiters? The Air Force and Army aren't the only ones who fly, you know

[WildChild]

Would he be willing to work and save to help pay for this? He needs to want something big enough to really motivate him. Get him a copy of, Think and Grow Rich, it isn't just about getting money. It's about people who wouldn't give up, who had a vision and ethically did what it took to realise it. People like Edison and Ghandhi.

[Tama]

Sounds lieka good idea, he loves to read.
The CAP is a good idea too. We do have something like that in our town, and we did look into starting him with flying lessons next school year.

Had a long talk and he said he would love to do something like that, he's all gung-ho into putting in applications around town tomorrow. He's going to help get the money together for hi surgery.

And, he wants to start those lessons, I told him as long his his grades stay up, he's good to go.

Those were wonderful suggestions. Of course we'll have to wait for the school year to start back up to see if they work but, I will most definitely let you guys know whats going on.