Marriage trouble vent... maybe some advice?

[ladybug37]

Hello all. I'm new here. I've been reading a lot of the posts and this seems like a really great site for advice and maybe just a place to vent my feelings and concerns. So here's my story:

I've been with my husband for 14 years (married almost 7). Over the last few years we've had our share of ups and downs (more downs). We are struggling financially with kids in daycare and two homes. There's light at the end of the tunnel, but still another tough 12 months ahead. That being said, I feel like I'm under a tremendous amount of stress and I know that is one of the biggest reasons for my lack of interest in sex, but I can't seem to make my husband understand. I know that this is normal (at least I really believe it) in that I associate my mental happiness with wanting to be with him sexually. We argue quite a bit, we are completely different personalities and this also affects my "non-sexual" feelings for him. Sometimes I imagine that I would happier without him and when he begins to pressure me for sex or make sarcastic comments on how long it's been, I feel even more reluctant to give in. On average, we have sex 1-2 per week, but most of the time I feel like it's an obligation and I do it to avoid any arguments. I do still get aroused and actually it's about 50/50 that I enjoy it when it does happen, but even getting to that point is tough. I know that I may be unrealistic, but I still wish for the "knight in shining armour" to take care of me and treat me like the most cherished woman in the world. Don't get me wrong, I know my husband loves me and says he would do anything for me, but I'm just not feeling it like I want to. I know part of it is my fault because I can be a real b#*h to him, but I can't stop myself. I just feel so resentful sometimes and that's how it comes out. That obviously doesn't help, then he becomes more of a jerk and we start all over again. Yes, we do need better communication--that's partly my fault too. I have a tendency to close up and not want to talk about sensitive issues and I end up crying a lot because I feel so overwhelmed which makes me less interested in talking about things. I just don't know what to do and I feel better at least getting this off my chest and seeing if any of you have advice (other than that I need professional counseling, which I know is true! lol). Thanks for listening.

[blondie80]

Ok so what I see is that your missing the romance basically in the whole sex department right? This does tend to happen after a while it seems to be a whole normal thing to happen. But it doesn't mean that you dont need it! lol
I am going to recommend a book until you get counselling its men are from mars by john gray he also wrote another one called men are from mars in the bedroom, these are great books it helps with how to handle and talk to the opposite sex and what they need and want to feel good too as well as yourself.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Why do you have two houses? So that's two Mortgages to pay?

And, finances for kids in day care so you both work?

I think your overloading yourself personally, so can you tell us your usual week personally, including cooking and cleaning haha and what part your husband contributes?

I am feeling a little recentment of not coping and a need for a helping hand here.

CW

[Tina Lee]

CW has a good point. If you're feeling overwhelmed, then maybe your hubby could help clean the house, or cook supper..

The snide remarks cause alot of anger, and hurt. This really needs to stop..

You've already said it yourself, but the key is communication. This works in all areas of your relationships.. You said that you are sometimes hard to talk to, just don't give up. You may not have great communication right on the first try, just don't give up..

If you're really having problems communicating, then you could try having you and your husband each write a letter to each other. Sit down, and you read outloud the letter to him, and have him read out loud the letter that he wrote to you. Or do your own variation on this. But make sure these letters aren't out to attack each other. That may help get the ball rolling.

I've been married for 15 years, and sometimes the day to day worries can bog us down. People can get in a rut, after that amount of time. But it's also possible to renew your relationship..

Good Luck!

[ladybug37]

Thank you all for your replies...

blondie80 - I've heard of the books, but never read them. I will look into it.

CW - We both work full-time (40+ hours a week), we own a rental property in addition to our home, but it's in a pretty significant negative rent situation so we have a mortgage and a half basically. Day to day is probably typical for as most families although I would say it's split about 60(me)/40(him) especially when it comes to the kids it more like 70/30. I am also taking college courses one night per week which I know doesn't help. I completely agree that we're overloaded and we do talk about how we can try to relieve some of the burden, but it's hard. With a bad housing economy, we can't sell the house and daycare is a necessity.

Tina Lee - Great suggestions. I actually spoke to my husband tonight and we had a pretty good conversation on some of the things that are bothering us. I will keep working on it.

I appreciate all of your input. I definitely needed to vent and just to feel that I'm not crazy!

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Venting can sometimes put things into perspective....

I have a feeling you will now look further and deeper.

It's perfectly smart to both work your butts off, own additional property if you can, but with kids as well and cleaning and food and studying, geez woman, off course your burn't out.

Try to compromise on a few things "together" to relieve some of the workload therefore, relieving some of that stress.

CW

[rcoreyus]

Sex is called "making love" for a good reason -it can make people feel closer together. When things get tough it may be time have more intimacy not less. If he feels rejected he is more likely to be unhappy. Since you've said you enjoy sex half the time - try to show him what to do to make you enjoy it all the time.

Its too easy for sex to start to be used as a weapon when there is other stress on a relationship.