You may judge, but I came here because I don't know where else to turn

[lost and seeking]

The story might surprise you, but then again in this day of age it might not. I am a 23 year old female batterer – yes that means I hit my husband. I carried straight A’s through high school, excelled at three sports, and was selected as the most representative senior female by class and faculty vote. I started dating Tyler second semester of my senior year. He cheated on my in the first month of our relationship and 7th months into the relationship. He told me about this approximately 1 year after the second incident happened. I slapped him across the face. How many times have you seen that in movies? He told me he deserved it, begged me to beat him to a bloody pulp. I hugged him after that, told him I still loved him, and that I’d try with Christ’s strength to forgive him. He started going to church with me, was baptized and became a member.
In college I was an all conference athlete, 3.98 GPA student, leader of two campus organizations, and involved in campus ministries. I probably beat him 15 times in our four years of college together. I’d cry, I’d pray, I’d forgive him again, I’d talk to friends about it, my parents. My best friend laughed when I told her about the first two times I hit him, said it sounds like he deserved it. We were engaged our senior year. Everyone thought we were the perfect couple, campus sweethearts. He was still lying to me when we were engaged, still battling a pornography addiction. I turned my ‘righteous anger’ on that too, tried to beat his pornography addiction out of him, as if I were his mother and knew better than him.
My English professor was a self acclaimed feminist, told me my teaching degree was beneath my ability level, told me getting married would rob me of the chance to go to graduate school, said buying a house would be the death of my academic ambitions. She might have been right on all the levels. I might have been persuaded by her call to feminine power. I came to agree through doctrine and experience that men were fallen, and in part that it was my calling to save my husband from the sins that haunt men. In doing so I gave myself a sin that haunts very few women.
I’ve never met another female batterer. I don’t know anyone else who can hit their husband and cause harm. I know girls that have slapped guys, but that gets laughed off. I’ve punched my husband, elbowed him in the back, and just recently kneed him in the face. There was a time where I didn’t physically hurt him when I hit him, but I’ve progressed beyond that. I now see myself as dangerous, wonder about my mental stability, want to get on medication.
I pray to God, I go to church; I even tried expelling the demons of my anger to Christ’s throne. Is it possible that my soul is saved but my brain is just messed up? I think the anger synapses got wired wrong when I started buying into anger, wanting retribution, trying to beat him out of his bad habits. And now that I want to buy out of anger… well I can’t. My memory is hazy about when I’m angry. I feel like I float above my body as my fist comes down across his chest. I cry about it, and then I go stoic. I read my Bible today and felt it very uplifting. But that was over an hour ago, and right now I don’t feel a thing, no emotion, just the need to write.
I seem to be a very calm person, level headed. And I’ve never really been angry at anyone else, never hit anyone else. I’ve been angry at God once. After my brother passed away. I prayed, then cried, then prayed again. After that I threw everything I could in my room, angry at God for taking away the most beautiful thing in my life. I have a wonderful reputation in town, at school, at church. But my soul is darkened by my secret sin. I abuse my husband. I am a white, Caucasian, Christian, employed, generally happy, female batterer. In that I feel alone.
I took a walk before I wrote this, and reminded myself I never walk alone, that God is always with me, that my brother watches over me, that I have many friends, and a very loving husband who wants to walk me back to recovery. It’s tragic that I can’t make it work for the hand that broke my heart to heal it. I called a domestic abuse recovery line, told a stranger my story. She told me cheating is domestic abuse, and that I shouldn’t be afraid to leave a relationship where I’ve been cheated on. Told me at least a separation might help me find space to work on my anger issues. What would God say to that? Whose hand am I meant to hold? Is Tyler meant to heal the wound he inflicted?
I pray, I write goals, I talk to Tyler about it, I talk to my best friend about it, I read marriage books, I read books about being a Christian woman, I ask people to pray for me, I leave the situation and come back, I eat a good diet, I take no drugs except birth control, and I hit. Where is the formula for success? Am I still broken from my brother’s passing? Do I need to be on medication to set things straight? Do I need to confess to my pastor? God bless those who hope, because I will always need someone to believe in me.

[WildChild]

Not being of your faith or belief system it is difficult for me to make a response that relates to that portion of your problem.

I find unclear is your statement that in college you beat him and forgave him. What did you forgive him for? What was he lying about? How did a pornography "addiction" manifest - just looking at it occasionally it Is Not an addiction.

Any time you do harm to another, there is a problem. Add in the "righteous", there is a serious problem - this the kind of justification that leads to witch hunts and lethal harm. That feeling out of body while lashing out is very concerning, you need to talk with a psychiatrist. Get help and deal with this. Your husband needs to get help too, to understand why he is tollerating this treatment.

[rcoreyus]

Women battering men isn't as unusual as many people think. Men are very reluctant to report this sort of thing and don't have the support groups available that women do. I knew one woman who often hit her boyfriend.

OK clearly hitting someone is wrong - and you know that and are trying to change. I assume it is a case of poor anger management - the cases you list you had good reason to be angry - just no reason to turn the anger into physical violence.

I agree with wildchild - you should seek professional help. I don't know how effective it is but it seems worth a try - you don't want to go around hurting people you love.

If you can't get professional help, look up techniques for anger management. I think the issue is not the anger itself, but keeping control of yourself when you are angry.

Good luck

[blondie80]

I hope to a big degree that you are proud of yourself for admiting you have a problem, we all make mistakes and none of us are perfect no matter how hard we try, we are only human.
I think in reading this that you have some anger managment problems but that doesn't mean that you cant be helped, im sure there are many people out there to help you, you had every right to be angry when your partner cheated on you it is only normal to feel angry he done the wrong thing and that hurts, but at the same time its no excuse to hit someone. You need an outlet when you feel hurt and or angry even if its just writing down all your emotions and then coming back to them later but seriously I would seek more proffesional help, they know how to deal with these sorts of things.
If you don't learn how to help yourself with your anger issues then you cant make it better, life is meant to be a journey, its always going to be a challange, we are always learning new things and new ways to help us deal with our personal issues, there is nothing wrong with getting help when you know you need it.

[WildChild]

Forgiving means you let go. Not keep revisiting it and reinflicting "punishment". This level of anger is unhealthy in the extreme. The therapist who said cheating was domestic abuse may have been right but nothing warrents this type of behavior on your part. Nothing. Ever.

[Chantalemma]

I think you are your husband needs help. You have a lot of anger and he is lying all the time... I am not sure abotu what and all but you guys need proefessional help for both of you. I do not think you aere crazy or anythign it that matter. I just think you need to learn different ways to cope and to get rid of your anger then to hit on your husband... but this is my opinion.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

I am glad that you came to the Forum and welcome.

The first part of healing is to "tell the truth" and you've done that.

The second is to acknowledge that there is something "wrong" with you and you've done that.

You say that you have never hit anyone before but you are young.

You say that the only person you have hit is your husband and I suspect he was your first boyfriend, first love and the one that has been around you the most throughout your teens and 20's.

You say that he "told you to hit him" after you slapped him..

He told me he deserved it, begged me to beat him to a bloody pulp. I hugged him after that

Let me ask you, when he has done something he feels has been wrong since, porn etc, has he again asked you to beat him?

I came to agree through doctrine and experience that men were fallen, and in part that it was my calling to save my husband from the sins that haunt men. In doing so I gave myself a sin that haunts very few women.

You have alot of anger built up inside..

You point out all the things you are "good at" the success you could be and obvious intelligence. You know this is wrong, it is "black" yet you know there is so much "good" about you.

If one was to believe in your religion then one could say that your being played off..

But, I wonder how much anger is inside you for the things you could be, "can you still be that successful person, now that you are married?"

How much anger you have inside of your brother passing, you turn to God but you still are in effect angry at him...

Are there other things that you are supressing that you are "angry" about in life too, childhood things?

You need to work through all the things that trigger that emotion.

You need to go to Anger Management classes.

You need to realise all that you wrote above about the good things about yourself and concentrate only on that when you get angry, breathe and say I am good I don't and won't do this.

Thank you for sharing with us.

CW

[Paulette_B]

Just for the record, I am not a therapist. I recently completed a class called Surrendered Hearts for Women through my church. What you describe is a very serious case of performance orientation. I'll quote the handout:

Performance orientation is a lie accepted and built into one's nature that tells a person than one must earn love by what one does. This term does not refer to the work that is done or what is accomplished, but rather MOTIVES which drive you.

Galatians 3:1-3 "...After beginning with the Spirit, are you now trying to attain your goal by human effort."

A. Characteristics or Fruit of Performance Orientation
1. Constant fear, anxiety and striving in relationships
2. Feeling rejection when you're not asked to perform
3. Finding security in control
4. Require constant affirmation
5. Handles criticism poorly (seen as rejection). Becomes defensive when corrected.
6. Finds security in what people think rather than God. Also, often consumed with the question: Who am I?
7. Fear of failure and trying new things.
8. Difficulty in being spontaneous.
9. Self-control seen as the ultimate virtue (always poised and correct in public).
10.May rebel or sabotage success in order to fail, testing to see if they'll still be loved.
11.Self-righteousness - so good and perfect all the time that no one can stand to be around them (not genuine).
12.Can minister to others, but can't be ministered to.
13.Have difficulty being truly intimate with others, especially Father God and as a result, struggles with loneliness.
14.Anxiety and tension.
15. a. Depression mood cycle ("I can earn the right to be loved. The more you perform the less appreciative people are. You stop trying so you get depressed and fall into a black dungeon. Then you believe if you start performing well again you can earn the right to be loved. It's an endless circle.)
b. Abusiveness: When someone suppresses their emotions (especially anger) over a long period of time, they will find expression somehow. Normally, these supressed emotions will come out in a sinful, destructive way toward ourselves and others.



Get angry at God. He can take it. Yell at him. If you can't control your temper God certainly does not want you to take it out on your husband. Buy a punching bag for goodness sake! Your husband is seriously co-dependent and unless you get counseling there is no hope for your future. Good luck to you and God bless.

[HALFNOTHING]

agree to above posters

I think you and your husband must cooperate and go to psychiatrist together..
you hit your husband because there is a serious reason. I hit 3 person in my life. 1 of them is my x bf. not means that i am a war freak but these persons lead me to do so. I am not saying that hitting is good but hitting is normal when it has valid reason to heat others. but, hitting someone more often is not normal. It maybe the behavior must be controlled. the anger i mean. so, if you hit your husband even in a small things, you really must know how to control that anger..

get an appointment to the experts!

[andromeda]

What do we tell men that batter their wives? We tell the wives to get restraining orders, place charges, get victim's therapy... etc., etc. and in some cases, the batterer is charged and jailed. The reason why I am pointing this out, is not to be mean and judgemental, it is because eventually you will be in this position.
You cannot continue down this distruction path. You are a person with firm beliefs, however your actions are contradicting all that which you believe in. Forget about your husband at this point. You need to understand what is going on within yourself.

Do you love yourself? Are you using him as a punching bag to get the frustration and lack of self- love out of your system?

You need to STOP what you are doing. Now. Go get the professional help you need and the spiritual help you need. STOP making excuses for yourself and DO SOMETHING... before it is too late for the both of you.

Good luck.